Forced validation

[Seoulsister]

My husband and siblings received a bizarre Father’s Day email from his father,  stating that his father hadn’t done enough to recognize his wife’s (their  mom) gifts and that he should have done more to evidence her “God-filled grace” to the children.  99.9% of interactions with the in-laws are about MIL, so it’s no surprise that Father’s Day would be about her too. She ruminates, is very anxious and pushes FIL to send these kinds of messages, it’s almost like a Stockholm Sydrome situation.

The email went on to request that anytime DH’s mother had a letter to the editor published in the newspaper, the children and grandchildren should acknowledge it. She has written two pieces and we have received copies of them at least 6 times. Each time it’s followed up by stern emails from FIL demanding a response.  Another time he said that she was putting together a booklet of responses to her piece, and for everyone to send one. These emails/requests are also sent to the young grandkids.

It’s hard to understand this endless need for validation, even after praise had been given. It’s manipulative and forced and just crazy making. They push and push for praise.

Should we continue to respond with praise and ignore the rest or say something more? It’s great that she has found a creative outlet but they’re blowing it way out of proportion. obviously saying that that wouldn’t go over well. Suggestions?

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[Turkish]

I had a short letter to the editor printed in the San Jose Mercury News. It was kind of cool.  That was it. MIL must think it's really something! The public loves and adores her sagacious turn of phrase.  Why don't you?

The email sounds bizarre.  He's admitting that he didn't do enough for his own wife on Father's Day?  "Good luck with that" sounds appropriate. I'd BIFF it with responses.  FIL is totally enabling it, do you think? Or do you think he wants to be rescued?

[Seoulsister]

Turkish, thank you for the response. Yes, FIL enables. Big time. After reading this email,  I questioned whether or not he’s actually grounded in reality because it is just so out of touch. But, MIL seems to be in a manic phase right now and I think it’s almost easier for him to strong arm everyone else into what she wants than to have to listen to her go over and over it.

Because he enables so much, her illness seems to get worse and worse. And along the way, relationships with her siblings and family members are almost nonexistent at this point. He will say or do anything to appease MIL and he’s too far into it to realize how bad it is. Her never ending need for praise is just exhausting and at this point I have so much resentment that I’m triggered by any email from him/them.

As a follow up, we received from MIL another copy of this same piece in the mail yesterday, along with her famous hocolate chip cookies.