Need some support, spiraling into self doubt/criticism

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all.

I'm the daughter of an uBPD mother, and I've done quite a bit of work on recovering from inconsistent messaging around love and a mom who withdraws. I've been working my whole adult life (I'm 42) on learning to relate to people in a healthy way, and felt I had turned a significant corner in this area in the past year or two. I've had a serious relationship and subsequent break up with someone who had tendencies like my mom (thus the reason I'm in this group now), took a long dating hiatus (6 years to get over that one), and just in March started putting myself out there again for real.

I met someone and really liked him...I'm pretty jaded in the dating front these days, so this is a big deal that I found him so enjoyable, compatible, and attractive in many ways. After 2 months of weekly dates--nothing serious, he told me he wants to keep seeing me, but feels like we are going in the direction of a relationship, so he wanted to clarify that he isn't ready for a long term relationship. He did this in a way that seemed up front, and he shared some past relationship trauma with me, which seems hard to do with just anyone. I started dating him with no expectations, but open to the idea of a long term relationship or casual dating. However, I'm feeling very upset, as I had started to really have feelings for him. I ended up telling him I thought it was better to cut things off since I like him so much.

It seemed as though he was being clear, up front, and honest about his feelings so as not to lead me on, which I appreciate. However, I tend to second guess honesty and suspect that the person is really just trying to break things to me nicely--and that something is wrong with me. It is from not being able to trust my mom to communicate clearly/honestly about feelings. I'm trying so hard not to believe my habitual thoughts: "He rejected me, and something is wrong with me"--as opposed to "timing is wrong for him and thus us", which my head knows, but my heart won't believe. It's probably worth sharing that I have some commonalities with this man's ex (who traumatized him) in terms of our parenting, our temperament, etc.

I need someone to help me sort this out. I feel sort of embarrassed and ashamed, like I showed myself to someone who didn't want me. I feel like I did something wrong--perhaps moved too quickly, and caused this to happen. I feel rejected, but I'm the one who ended things when he explained his avoidance of relationships. As I write this, I realize that this man was moving things along...I was reciprocating. I tend to let the other person set the pace unless I'm uncomfortable with it. I was ok leaving this conversation, but I find myself angry with him for misleading me even in this short amount of time. He told me to feel free to reach out and we can be friends, but I need boundaries from someone like that who I have feelings for, so I said no.

Thank you for understanding in only the way you all can understand. Any nuggets of wisdom or comfort out there?
Dotner

[Dotner]

Hi all.

I'm the daughter of an uBPD mother, and I've done quite a bit of work on recovering from inconsistent messaging around love and a mom who withdraws. I've been working my whole adult life (I'm 42) on learning to relate to people in a healthy way, and felt I had turned a significant corner in this area in the past year or two. I've had a serious relationship and subsequent break up with someone who had tendencies like my mom (thus the reason I'm in this group now), took a long dating hiatus (6 years to get over that one), and just in March started putting myself out there again for real.

I met someone and really liked him...I'm pretty jaded in the dating front these days, so this is a big deal that I found him so enjoyable, compatible, and attractive in many ways. After 2 months of weekly dates--nothing serious, he told me he wants to keep seeing me, but feels like we are going in the direction of a relationship, so he wanted to clarify that he isn't ready for a long term relationship. He did this in a way that seemed up front, and he shared some past relationship trauma with me, which seems hard to do with just anyone. I started dating him with no expectations, but open to the idea of a long term relationship or casual dating. However, I'm feeling very upset, as I had started to really have feelings for him. I ended up telling him I thought it was better to cut things off since I like him so much.

It seemed as though he was being clear, up front, and honest about his feelings so as not to lead me on, which I appreciate. However, I tend to second guess honesty and suspect that the person is really just trying to break things to me nicely--and that something is wrong with me. It is from not being able to trust my mom to communicate clearly/honestly about feelings. I'm trying so hard not to believe my habitual thoughts: "He rejected me, and something is wrong with me"--as opposed to "timing is wrong for him and thus us", which my head knows, but my heart won't believe. It's probably worth sharing that I have some commonalities with this man's ex (who traumatized him) in terms of our parenting, our temperament, etc.

I need someone to help me sort this out. I feel sort of embarrassed and ashamed, like I showed myself to someone who didn't want me. I feel like I did something wrong--perhaps moved too quickly, and caused this to happen. I feel rejected, but I'm the one who ended things when he explained his avoidance of relationships. As I write this, I realize that this man was moving things along...I was reciprocating. I tend to let the other person set the pace unless I'm uncomfortable with it. I was ok leaving this conversation, but I find myself angry with him for misleading me even in this short amount of time. He told me to feel free to reach out and we can be friends, but I need boundaries from someone like that who I have feelings for, so I said no.

Thank you for understanding in only the way you all can understand. Any nuggets of wisdom or comfort out there?
Dotner

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Dotner-

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, and I truly understand internalizing and taking very personally the things this guy said to you.   That does NOT mean any of this belongs to you.  It could mean that he hasn’t worked through ANY of the mess from his last relationship.  Please use care not to take on his stuff, although I get that your past is telling you to do this.  It’s not really yours.

Did he say when you first met that he wanted only a casual thing or he was looking for a relationship?  Or was nothing said in this regard?  I think for ppl like us, who’ve been through difficult pasts, we need a good amount of clarity and honesty because of the mixed messaging and lies we’ve dealt with.  Trust doesn’t come easy to us...

Can you explain in what context he said you were similar to the ex who “traumatized” him?  That seems kind of out of line to me.  Actually WAY out of line.

What confuses me, and I could be old fashioned here, but doesn’t weekly dates for 2 months actually qualify as a “relationship” of some sort?  For years I noticed in myself (and questioned, still do, whether I have some BPD traits) that relationships had to be all or nothing.  They don’t.  It took me a long, long time to get there.  Not every man I met would be a love for me.  Some would qualify as friends, some as nothing, some as lovers.  Perhaps we look at that together?

I would wager that you give everyone around you the benefit of the doubt, a break, some slack.  It’s time you do that for yourself.  When we spend a large portion of our lives walking in a mine field, our tendency is to respond or react, rather than take the first step.  We enter most scenarios a bit doubtful and afraid.  Maybe realize there’s nothing wrong with YOU stating up front what you want.  And if a man’s wish doesn’t match yours, you know that upfront, but you can make a decent friend sometimes.  Not everything has to be all or nothing, but it can still be gratifying.  This I’ve learned...

Let’s talk.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[JNChell]

Hi, Dotner.  I’m sure that what you’re describing is hard to shoulder after what brought you here. I’m sorry about the confusion that you’re currently dealing with. I imagine that it’s a bit scary putting yourself out there after a dysfunctional relationship.

I’m pretty jaded in the dating front these days.

I am to. Are you ready to move on? Are you completely over your ex?

I’m 42 as well. The dating world for people our age does exist. BTW, let me know when you find it. 

Folks like us do second honesty. How couldn’t we? It sounds like you’re feeling rejection. That’s an awful feeling. You know. this latest guy didn’t sound like a pwBPD. It sounds like you’re intense feelings over it. Are you sure that you’re recovered from one relationship to start another?

[Dotner]

Did he say when you first met that he wanted only a casual thing or he was looking for a relationship?  Or was nothing said in this regard? 

Can you explain in what context he said you were similar to the ex who “traumatized” him?  That seems kind of out of line to me.  Actually WAY out of line.

Hi Gemsforeyes,

Thank you...well, we connected initially online (eeeww, meaning, I'm sick of it and the culture of it all), and he had checked off that he was open to a bunch of dating situations, including long term. I think that part of this is just me feeling rejected and mad that he doesn't return my feelings. But part of this is that I do feel misled. He seemed to be sending me signals (yes, the ones I'm so attuned to) in all different ways that he liked me a lot. This makes me wonder if he was starting to feel uncomfortable because he was enjoying our dating.

I appreciate the encouragement to remember that his issues are his and not mine.

[Dotner]

JNChell,

Thanks for that. I do feel incredibly rejected, even though he explained how it is all him. Yes, I do believe I have fully worked through my past relationship with the pwBPD. Or, at least as much as one can. This latest guy wasn't a pwBPD as far as I could tell, but as I am the daughter of someone with BPD, I have these feelings described in my previous post.

I guess it is the risk we run when we open ourselves up in a genuine way. And I did open myself up in a genuine way (based on cues/behaviors from him--trust me, I've learned from that) after a very long time of keeping that part of myself hidden away.

I don't think that finding a healthy relationship is for me at this point. It is too scary, painful, and heartbreaking.

[JNChell]

I understand completely. Be patient with yourself and allow time for your footing to return to you. You are over your relationship with your pwBPD, and I’m very happy to read that, but there are residual factors with these relationships. The whole trauma thing, ya know?

Whether you’re ready to explore romance again or not is up to you. We’re all here to support each other, but don’t let the opinions of your peers direct you. You know yourself the best. Something I’ve realized about myself lately is that I’ve been putting myself out there more. It’s been subconscious, but I’ve become aware of it. It’s ok to flirt and begin exploring new friendships and the like. It’s really boosted my confidence and I’ve pretty much shed the shell that I was hiding in. Don’t be afraid to meet new people and test your vulnerabilities against what you’ve learned and are still learning. I’ve found that it’s a great way to get to know the new individuality that I’m fostering and transitioning into. You’ve got this.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm feeling very upset, as I had started to really have feelings for him. I ended up telling him I thought it was better to cut things off since I like him so much.

Hey Dotner,  So, he made it clear that he's unready for a r/s at present while you have feelings for him and would like to move things forward, which caused you to break things off with him.  And now you feel rejected?  Just trying to get a handle on your self doubt.

It seems like you ended things in order to protect yourself, because he doesn't reciprocate your feelings.  If so, that seems like a wise decision on your part to disengage from a r/s that is not bringing you joy.  Why do you think you are criticizing yourself?

LuckyJim