NC... Birthday approaching

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello All,

My UBPD SIL has a birthday coming up. I’m NC with her and my brother, but will need to reestablish LC for practical reasons regarding my elderly mom.

Do I send a card? I know I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I’ve always given her one in the past. They think I’m angry, and not sending a card would confirm that perception. Suggestions, please!

PS: for her birthday gift,  SIL asked my mom for a family photo from many years back- all of us together smiling. She knew I would have to locate the photo and bring it to my mom. My vision is SIL- casting with her fishing pole into the river- with Guilt as the bait on her hook  Not gonna bite!

[podsnapG]

Hello All,

My UBPD SIL has a birthday coming up. I’m NC with her and my brother, but will need to reestablish LC for practical reasons regarding my elderly mom.

Do I send a card? I know I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I’ve always given her one in the past. They think I’m angry, and not sending a card would confirm that perception. Suggestions, please!

PS: for her birthday gift,  SIL asked my mom for a family photo from many years back- all of us together smiling. She knew I would have to locate the photo and bring it to my mom. My vision is SIL- casting with her fishing pole into the river- with Guilt as the bait on her hook  Not gonna bite!

[Harri]

Hi!

Do I send a card? I know I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

In situations like this, I say do what you feel is right for you to do.  Given the fact that you are going to have LC with them because of your mom, I would lean more towards offering a small olive branch (like sending the card) with a fairly neutral birthday wish.  Keeping things calm and neutral, using the tools we talk about here will make the LC much more pleasant and easier to deal with.

What do you think?

[podsnapG]

Thanks for your feedback, Harri.  It feels right for me to send a card- found just the right one which was warm but neutral. Now it’s in the mail and out of my hands, as is her response! Continuing to learn skills here to help with LC 

[Harri]

Glad you found a way that is good for you and a card you were comfortable sending.

What sort of things are you working on?