Feeling lonely after a breakup with a woman wBPD

[avoideggshells]

I actually registered on this forum over 3 years ago before my ex left me but never got around to posting here. I see you need 10 posts to post in "Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship." But admittedly even though it's been 3+ years, I still think about wanting to get my ex back. Even though this is a ship that has probably sailed and I've been going out on a few dates with other women recently after isolating myself for 3+ years. Yeah I know that sounds terrible that I've literally socially isolated myself for 3+ years after the dissolution of our relationship.

When I met my ex in mid-2015, I was at a then all-time low mentally. I had just lost my job and I have been unemployed since aside from some income I earned from gig economy type of work. I made some money off investing and trading crypto-currency. I've been unemployed for 4 years. I have my own mental health issues: autism, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression.

When she came into my life, she was accepting of my mental health issues and life situation. She had mental health issues of her own (BPD comorbid with other things). She told me that she didn't need a guy with money because she had her own. So as long as I paid for my own stuff on dates. I felt like I could be open with her in ways that I couldn't before with romantic interests. We met online and we texted a lot and talked on the phone for 2 hours before we met. This was very unusual compared to how things usually are with online dating. I've never seen a woman take this much of an interest in me before. I've never seen a woman be this forward with me. She was very sexually forward too.

On the first date I was too shy to make a move. After our date we talked on skype and she told me that she wanted to "ride me" but was afraid that I'd think she was a slut if she went to bed with me on the first date. On the second date I literally said "f it" and kissed her and we went to bed. I had trouble getting an erection at first (I have a history of psychological ED problems. Performance anxiety. I get morning wood and masturbate so it's not physiological). While we were naked she told me, "it's okay, let's just cuddle." Then after like 15 minutes of cuddling and kissing I got hard and we had sex. I felt at ease with her in my arms. I'm usually very into my shell and she brought me out of my shell. The sex was amazing and she was very affectionate. We developed co-dependency with one another. She was the one thing going right in my life and giving me comfort.

Her sex drive was very high. We were having sex up to 4 times per day. And we cuddled for long stretches of time in between. I would fall asleep with her because she felt "safe" and took all my anxiety away. She wanted sex and affection all the time. I was addicted to her. After dating for a little over 3 weeks I believe (might have been 4 weeks), I told her that I loved her and she said it back and was smiling a lot and very happy. And texting her best friend about it. My friends (men and women) were chastizing me for saying it too early and that I should be more worried about the fact that she didn't run when I said that. Things got very intense with us very fast though.

Her temper flared at times though. 7 weeks or so into our relationship she instigated an argument with me because I casually mentioned my ex-gf. And after heated arguments, she'd calm down and we'd have makeup sex. She even got into a heated argument with me between the first and second date. So the warning signs were there. I knew she had BPD. When we first dated my friends were telling me to "enjoy the sex but don't fall in love with crazy bro." She is like a succubus so easier said than done. It was like she could see into my soul and knew what I wanted more than I knew. And she knew how to manipulate me.

Eventually her low self-esteem issues got really bad and she would get very paranoid. She was thinking that I was cheating on her because I wasn't texting her every day and wasn't calling her. She did not express this dissatisfaction to me until after she broke up with me many months down the road. And she would snoop my phone, internet history, etc. She found a post a few months into our relationship (after the honeymoon period) I made about her on an anonymous internet forum that she doesn't frequent where I said a not very nice thing about her admittedly. Something that would lead to the termination of most relationships. Admittedly I wasn't always the perfect boyfriend. There were times where I was an asshole. Probably as a byproduct of me spending a lot of time on toxic communities on the internet (redpill, MGTOW, PUA type of communities. I wasn't an incel obviously but I hung out with some incels online as well).

I begged for her forgiveness after my transgression. But she didn't want me to be her bf anymore. She wanted us to be friends with benefits. But when I tried to cuddle her after sex, she felt disgusted with me. I knew she didn't want to cuddle anymore but I just couldn't help feeling emotional with her after sex. She eventually did forgive me and took me back and we'd have amazing makeup sex. But then she'd always go back to playing that past transgression of mine and held it against me. And she'd lose her temper with me and break up with me and I'd lose my temper with her and say nasty things to her out of anger. And then we'd eventually reconcile and have makeup sex. And repeat this cycle a few times.

Until one day (mid-2016) she gave me an ultimatum: that I had to cut my female friend out of my life (my ex thought I was sleeping with her or wanted to) or cut her out of my life. I told her that I wasn't going to let her dictate to me who I can and can't be friends with. So she left me for good after that. She wanted to do a fwb thing with me again but then I tried cuddling her again after sex and she lost her temper. It's like my ex wBPD knows that withdrawing affection (as opposed to withdrawing sex) is the way that would hurt me the most. She'd lose her temper with me, I'd lose my temper with her and we didn't even have a fwb thing after that. She eventually changed her number when I was pleading for her to come back to me. And she went No Contact. She claims to have started dating another guy when she decided to go No Contact with me.

I tried to reconcile with her. I wish I could take back the things I said that upset her. But at the same time her trust issues and emotional stability were out of whack. It was her paranoia and trust issues that was leading her to snoop through my stuff in the first place. So the problems in the relationship were not 100% on me even though she makes it out to be like that. The dissolution of our relationship was due to problems on both sides. I managed to talk to her online on March 2018, nearly 2 years after the dissolution of our relationship. And all I wanted was to make peace with her since she claimed to be in a relationship then. I've worked on my anger management issues and I have been distancing myself from toxic influences and putting effort into becoming a better person. I took a long break from dating because I just didn't feel motivated and ready to get back into dating again. But she was just straight up hostile and nasty towards me. Holding a grudge against me for over 2 years. Saying whatever she could to try to hurt me as much as possible. Telling me that I was ugly and that she only dated me because she felt sorry for me and that I was convenient for her.

I might reach out to her again if we manage to cross paths. But that might not happen. So I've mentally prepared for the possibility that she will always hold a grudge against me. And I have been trying to date other people recently. Without much luck. It's hard to find a woman who is accepting of my autism and anxiety issues. I went on three dates that were absolutely disastrous recently. With every failed date, the more that I miss my ex wBPD. Haha. She was one of the few women who could "get me" but I was walking on egg shells with her constantly after the honeymoon period of our relationship was over. Her temper and drama was exhausting. Admittedly I look back at our relationship with rose tinted glasses a lot. Choosing to remember the things I loved about her.

I took 3+ years off from dating because my self-esteem was at another all-time low after the breakup. I felt like I was unlovable. Given my mental health issues and poor life situation (being unemployed and such). I even went on a date recently with a woman who was unemployed herself, she was on welfare living in subsidized housing, doesn't drive (I was doing the driving on our date since I have a car). And while she replied to my texts after our date, she ghosted me when I texted to her that I liked her. . Story of my life. I feel like unemployed women don't even want unemployed men like me. Or maybe it could just be that I wasn't her type. But I feel like I'm a loser and that no woman would want me. Even if she was in a similar or worse life situation.

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[once removed]

hi avoideggshells, and

But I feel like I'm a loser and that no woman would want me.

i suspect this is more about reading people and reacting (or not reacting) than the idea that you are unloveable or deep down rejectable. ive had a lot of similar unluckiness in love in my life. dating, getting to know someone, these things are kind of like manners, theres a certain etiquette, it can be learned, and the difficulties unlearned.

i can understand as well how this would make you miss your ex even more. its a powerful feeling to feel seen, accepted, comfortable, and so strongly desired, when you have these sorts of long term self defeating beliefs. its also kind of a double whammy to feel rejected by that same person.

I might reach out to her again if we manage to cross paths. But that might not happen. So I've mentally prepared for the possibility that she will always hold a grudge against me. And I have been trying to date other people recently.

she might. its possible, though you wont know without reaching out.

which is your priority right now? reconnecting with your ex, or dating?

[avoideggshells]

hi avoideggshells, and

thank you

i suspect this is more about reading people and reacting (or not reacting) than the idea that you are unloveable or deep down rejectable. ive had a lot of similar unluckiness in love in my life. dating, getting to know someone, these things are kind of like manners, theres a certain etiquette, it can be learned, and the difficulties unlearned.

Yeah dating is very tough for me. Particularly because of my mental disorders (autism, social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder). I literally just angered a woman I talked to on a dating app just now because she felt that I was sharing "TMI". Because she asked me what I was looking for in a relationship and I went into a long thing about why I prefer relationships and why casual sex hasn't worked out for me. Including talking about one example. Autistic people tend to be very literal and honest. And don't know when they are being overbearing. I explained that I had autism to her and apologized but she read and deleted my message. Not caring to engage with me any further. rofl. You make one mistake and a lot of women on these apps write you off completely because plenty of other guys are messaging her. And they are basically looking for any excuse to whittle down their short list. Any sort of redflag off the bat and you're out. I understand now why my response was socially unacceptable. But as an autistic person I don't understand social cues and social norms intuititively. I'm inevitably going to make another different social faux pas in the future. Eventually after making many social faux pas, my default is to just be quiet and then women get bored on dates with me. .

i can understand as well how this would make you miss your ex even more. its a powerful feeling to feel seen, accepted, comfortable, and so strongly desired, when you have these sorts of long term self defeating beliefs. its also kind of a double whammy to feel rejected by that same person.

Yeah I really missed my ex because she was one of the few women that I felt understood me and accepted me. And she knew how to get me out of my shell. And now she is gone from my life. And then when I delve into the world of online dating and see how hard it is, it makes me miss what I had with my ex even more. I just can't seem to gel with any new women.

My ex carried conversation with me, was very aggressive (including sexually aggressive) but also understanding. I have went to bed with other women who were aggressive before. But not all of them are understanding of my mental health issues. This is why I feel out of place with the modern hookup culture. Whereas the women who aren't aggressive, it never goes anywhere with them.

If I'm honest with myself, the foundation of my relationship with my ex wBPD was sex. I've heard that it's common for people wBPD to be very sexual but also emotionally intense and that described my ex. We were both very sexually attracted to one another. But then after she would cuddle with me in bed after sex, I got emotionally attached to her. It was like that too with my previous gf before her. Who may have also had BPD (notice a pattern?) I met the previous gf off Tinder. We talked at a coffee shop for like 30-45 minutes before we went to my car to makeout. And then we went to bed. And then she went to hold hands with me after sex while she was on the phone with her mom. And I didn't let go. Women wBPD can be very intense like that and I found that refreshing. Since it seems like most women on these dating apps play it very cool in the beginning. Probably because they are talking to a bunch of other guys and you are not a priority for them. And she basically sunk her claws and teeth into me after that. She literally gave me hickies the second time we had sex because she wanted to ensure that I didn't cheat on her.

It's not like I only care about sex. But I think I care far more about passion and affection rather than sharing common interests and hobbies. If that makes sense? You know what I'm saying? I am pretty happy with my own company. I am an introvert. And I have friends to hang out with. What's missing in my life is romantic affection and sex. When I do the 21 questions game with women on dates, it never goes anywhere. Whereas with my ex, she seduced me, she gave me affection and I became addicted to her. I don't see myself as a f-boy. The emotional element, affection matters to me. But I think a lot of women see me as a f-boy because I have my own life, I like doing my own thing and don't feel like I need to share common interests and hobbies with my partner or feel the need to constantly be going out on dates hanging out.

I've tried dating girls with common interests/hobbies and honestly there is only so much we can talk about before we run out of things to say anyways. I don't feel like common interests/hobbies are all that important for me in a relationship. I don't mind having my own things and my gf having her own things. Sexual chemistry is important in a romantic relationship. Otherwise you just have friendship at best.

she might. its possible, though you wont know without reaching out.

I literally can't reach out to her at the moment. She disappeared like a ghost from my life. She changed her cellphone number (or so she claims). And she doesn't login to her Skype or Google hangouts anymore. When we first met, she created a disposable gmail address for us to chat on google hangouts because she wasn't comfortable giving out her personal information yet. So she probably never uses that google. Then after chatting for a week she gave me her cell phone number and we texted and chatted on the phone. She isn't on Facebook (she doesn't like having her personal information out there on the internet for privacy reasons). She also isn't active anymore on the forum where we met. She hasn't logged in there for almost 3 months.

The only way I can literally contact her now is if I send her a snail mail, call her home phone or show up at her place. . And she might not live with her parents anymore so that is no guarantee. And these methods of contact seem invasive since she shares that point of contact with her parents. It's literally been like 16 months since we last spoke with each other. And when we did, she was still angry with me and bitter over something I said over 2 years ago.

She is the type to hold grudges for years so I feel like there is no point in reaching out to her any further unless she herself has a change of heart. People can and often do change over time. If she wanted me to reach out to her, I think she would at the very least make herself available for contact to me.

which is your priority right now? reconnecting with your ex, or dating?

My priority right now is to try to date other women. Since I think that the ship has sailed with my ex. At least for now. Women with BPD often tend to have a lot of lovers in their life. Whereas I haven't had a lot of romantic experience in my life. So I probably mean a lot less to her at present than she means to me. She probably never thinks of me anymore despite her intensity while we were in a relationship whereas I think of her often. Dating for me literally feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It's extremely difficult for me to find someone I click with. So it's tempting to want to try to win back my ex. But I feel like it's time to let her go.

I've been on 3 dates within a month of trying online dating and they've all been a disaster. One of the women actually went to bed with me but then I wasn't able to get an erection due to my anxiety (I find that I need to get comfortable with someone new physically before I can relax enough for sex. I'm going to give mindfulness meditation a shot to see if that helps with the anxiety) and she ghosted me when I texted her even though she told me to text her after our date. . Most dates don't go anywhere for me.

I'm at a point right now where I feel like wanting to give up on dating. But the loneliness from going without a girlfriend for years like this is killing me. So I am between a rock and a hard place. Last night I just decided that if it doesn't seem like the girl is too eager, I'm just not even going to bother asking her out on a date. Because my two exes were very eager with me (I suspect both had BPD. But I know for sure that my last ex, the subject of this thread, definitely had BPD) and those ended up being relationships. If a girl doesn't seem very eager with me, chances are it's probably not going to go anywhere and I would be wasting my time to take them out on a date. Every woman I dated or slept with appeared eager to some extent. Even the woman who had a one-night stand with me and ghosted me afterwards was pretty aggressive with me over text. If a girl doesn't appear eager, she is probably talking to a bunch of different guys and I'm probably not a priority for her.