BPD Wife wants to see "actions" but rejects them once done.

[BlindEcho]

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to handle my current cituation.

My wife was officially diagnosed with BPD, Bi polar and Major Depressive disorder 2 years ago. Shes recently told me I am emotionally abusive and if i don't change my actions immediately she wants a divorce. We have a 3 year old.

So my wife, who never wore makeup and dressed regularly for work has started wearing so much make-up its almost embarassing to be out in public with her (cat-eyes with very ling lines out of the sides and extremely dark lipstick when she has dark hair and is fair complexion). She has started to dress in tighter more revealing clothing (not normal for her since marriage) and she has removed any and all access to herself from me. She will not answer her phone at work anymore, period. for any reason, even if I'm calling because of a medical problem (I am a type 1 Diabetic and took way too much insulin by mistake and was calling to tell her just incase) or if I'm calling to ask/tell her something about our son. She will will wait long periods of time before even reading my texts, despite having a cellular watch and phone and an office job. She will now regularly read my texts and wait long periods of time before answering me (15-30 minutes to send one reply, but already read)

My wife told me I need therapy, I agreed. I started looking for a therapist for myself and a marriage counselor. I found a Marriage counslor before a personal because i called our church and they recommended a place that accepted our insurance. Despite both of us being raised christian and going to church which is mostly her idea, she took issue with it being a christian marriage counselor and told me "I don't want to hear a man tell me some crap about how I have to submit to my husband" I told her that verse doesn't mean what she thinks and it doesn't imply that I am the "ruler" or she is inferior, BUT i agreed we could change to a female if that made her more comfortable. She seemed more agreeable. Since that comment was made she told me she thinks I need therapy and I should go alone for awhile before we start marriage counseling, then backpeddled later and said she would go.I called to make the appointment yesterday and the first thing she wanted was the name of the center and the name of the woman we are doing it with. I gave her both and she immediately refused to go because she isn't an officially licensed marriage counselor, she is "only a therapist". I told her I didn't understand what she wanted and she never told me she had a prerequisite. She ignored my text for 30 minutes, and i replied and told her I felt like i was being ignored and that was a problem we talked about and she agreed she would stop doing. She texts me back an hour later and said "I was at the gym (She was at work, no idea she had a gym membership and we used to talk during our lunches and now she doesn't want to talk anymore) and if I felt ignored after only 30 minutes I have a "serious issue I need to work out" I told her it takes 2 people to solve a problem and that I felt I had met her in the middle and that when shes ready, i'll be here waiting to solve the problems. I told her I'd go to the marriage counseling alone then and if she wants to go she can. She told me, "I think thats a great idea!" and we havn't spoken since.

I don't even know who this person I'm married too is anymore. I've always wondered if she had multiple personalities because its almost as if she has a "guardian" persona, one that comes out in times of stress and THAT "personality" absolutely hates me and its kind of scary. She told me before a long time ago "<her name> isn't here right now, she'll be back later". The biggest clue I've found to these issues is always other people. She almost "absorbs" their personality. Mimics dressing (one woman wear disney leggings and my wife bought hundreds of dollars of them within a week and started wearing them too all the time), she will mimic words and phrases of some of these people and even take on their hobbies. She has also always done this with me as well.

I have a lot going on and my home is currently in chaos. She isn't talking to me, she wants to see "actions" from me to fix our marriage, I've apologized to her several times for things I did to upset her and she says they aren't sincere. She told me I need a therapist and I'm trying to find one and she isn't willing to help me despite having a lot of experience with insurance and therapists herself. She wanted me to find a marriage counselor and told me "I wanted to see if you'd actually do it" and now that I have she keeps finding reasons not to go. She isn't telling me what shes doing anymore, where shes going. She keeps going out shopping and buying make up and clothes, and now apparently a gym membership and she doesn't seem to care at all about budgeting anymore. Nothing I do is working and every step I take is wrong.

My situation currently is that I stay at home with our 3 year old. 2 years ago my job left the states and I got into a programe that paid for me to go back to school and paid a small income. We agreed it was best for all of us so she is the one working, she has the insurance (which she already threatend to take away from me) and I am not able to just leave or go anywhere due to the situation and also due to that fact that I am our sons primary caretaker daily.

I feel like I'm losing my mind and everyday is getting worse. My physical health is becoming a problem as well. I have high BP I take medication for and my BP and my blood sugar has been uncontrollable for weeks now due to stress. I tried telling her the situation was effecting my health and we need to start solving and stop fighting and she got angry that i "was accusing her of effecting my health when I am the abuser"

I'm currently refusing to fight anymore. When she upsets me, I just keep it to myself or pretend like it doesn't bother me. this makes her mad. When she goes out and doesn't tell me where shes going or what shes doing I don't say anything and when she gets home I just say "Hi" or try and pretend I'm ok with it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi BlindEcho,

you sound exhausted.

take her considerations into account, and find a therapist, stick to it. you need a strong support system, and you need tools.

I'm currently refusing to fight anymore. When she upsets me, I just keep it to myself or pretend like it doesn't bother me. this makes her mad.

dont pretend, or use emotional cut off. think of it more in terms of tabling the issues. it doesnt sound like the relationship is in a constructive place, so working to proactively stop the bleeding is good, but emotionally withdrawing wont help.

My wife was officially diagnosed with BPD, Bi polar and Major Depressive disorder 2 years ago.

is this about when the major troubles youre talking about started?

[BlindEcho]

No, our problems have been consistent for years. She was officially diagnosed with these conditions and she was happy there was a "reason" for the problems and the way she felt. But after literally a few weeks of DBT therapy she proclaimed herself cured and said her therapist thought she was the most miraculous case shes ever witnessed and agrees that after a handful of sessions she is almost cured. She did the exact same thing with Seroquel, after being on it for a little over 2 weeks, she proclaimed herself cured, and decided she didn't need it anymore. She also keeps telling me that the DBT therapist agrees I am abusive to her, despite never having spoken with me. We have had several talks/fights about what she is accusing me of and almost all of them have ended with her saying "we seem to just be in a grey area". She says I control her, I say I make suggestions and tell her what I think. She says if I tell her I dont like something, or someone she feels like she has to listen to make me happy. My reply was, I don't like artichoke, but yet you eat them. Is this me trying to be controlling cause when you eat them I say "that's disgusting how do you eat those things?" She said that's comparing apples and oranges and we just go round and round, but both are just me offering how I feel about something. I flat out tell her I don't care what she does as long as its healthy and not destructive like going out on emotional spending sprees or bringing third parties into our arguments or disagreements every chance she gets.

[once removed]

My reply was, I don't like artichoke, but yet you eat them.

dont JADE, BlindEcho.

shes telling you how she feels. you dont have to argue it, or defend against it. listen. take it in. be mindful. be constructive.

people with BPD are hypersensitive to perceived criticism, and judgment. positive reinforcement will go a lot further.

[isilme]

Her feelings = her facts.  her feelings change, and therefore so do her facts.  She can't be wrong, that means she is not perfect and, therefore, you will abandon her.  That's everything in a nutshell.

When she is in dysregulation mode, nothing you say really matters, what she perceives will be colored by her disorder no matter what you say.  I'm in a case of that right now, being accused of not respecting him over minor, little things that he feels have great weight.  Often there is some underlying thing we aren't even aware of, that they aren't even aware of on the surface driving the dysregulation. 

Do you have periods where things are more calm, less dramatic?  H has a birthday coming up, has a lot of things on his mind, and so that all gets spewed onto me with imagined slights to justify how he feels inside.  his feelings can never be internal - he needs them to be from an external source, and he needs to yell at that source to even process them.  guess who that sources is?  I am like a prothetic limb to process emotions he can't. 

[BlindEcho]

isilme,

You just described my entire marriage and its a little unverving. Yes, we have times where its calm and we have huge outbursts that last usually a week or two at most once a year. This is the longest shes ever "hated" me. We are going on 5 weeks and she isn't letting up and shes making major appearance and friendship changes. Going back to friends her old therapist told her were bad for her. She's taken our son and gone to another city to here parents house (who she also has accused of abuse for the last 5 years and hasn't spoken too until two weeks ago and now they are the safest place) and I wasn't allowed to come.

Can an episode or splitting last for 5 weeks? This seems excesive and i've never seen it happen this long before. I imagine some of this isn't just the BPD, its just making it worse. But she literally wants nothing to do with me and is staying away and making the house incredibly awkward to be in.

I read the JADE article and I am guilty of doing it. I'm not sure how to stop, but it will take practice. I'm lost on how to validate how she feels, without saying "Yes, I did all these horrible things". Each time I've tried talking with her I'm met with this stone cold exterior and she just lashes out at me. She told me shes drugging herself to be asleep when I get home and such. Even if this is her condition, the words are damaging.

[Matthew19:26]

Reading your post was difficult.  It sounds like a nightmare.  I know I'm only hearing one side of the story, but this is the impression I'm getting.  She seems to be checked out of the marriage - possibly because she is being unfaithful.  It sounds like she's playing you - giving you tasks (like finding a therapist) to keep you busy and to give you the impression she cares.  When you follow through (to her surprise), she makes excuses to make you find a different therapist.  Then, you're put on the merry-go-round one more time.  This buys her a few more weeks to be unfaithful while you dutifully look for another therapist.  I hope I'm wrong.  In any case, I'm praying for you.

Postscript:  The sudden change in appearance thing is very familiar to me.  My ex wife suddenly dolled herself up when she started cheating.  She changed into a different person and she became inexplicably belligerent, withdrawn and unresponsive.  All attempts to work things out and go to counseling were rebuffed.  Sorry to be the bearer of (potentially) bad news.

[badknees1]

I hear you sir. This is my life too. Get help for yourself and focus on your boy. He's young but this family struggle could ruin his life. Become a wiseminded caretaker who always listens and loves your wife but know her emotions however loud, or outrageous or rude or ultimatum driven...are not reality, which is some bad, some good. Take care of your health, dont neglect your health or life, it's  precious too. Pray. Become physically and mentally rugged and strong, know who you are. You are the humbly strong super hero. You are not a victim, you quietly gain the skills and knowledge you need to cope. Lean hard on your friends, make new friends. Be who you are, but be open to fine tune yourself. Be kind, watch the ego. Dont JADE just be and admit your faults, we all have them, work on solving them, but we all are a work in progress...this is is for you, your wife, but most of all..your boy who needs you.
You will make it my brother
badknees1

[BlindEcho]

badknees1

I really needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm the typical male who feels like he can bear the weight of the world sometimes, but this whole thing has been way to much to handle.

Seriously, thank you.

[isilme]

I'm going to restate some things I shared with matthew19:26:

Women even without BPD are insecure, prone to emotional issues, and we are often sadly more affected by our hormones than we realize.  A disordered woman with BPD whose emotions could be out of whack is likely in a pretty scary place in her own head, and since BPD won't let her accept any responsibility for those feelings, she projects them onto the person closest to her, usually her husband. 

If this split has lasted a very unusual length of time, I'd like to ask if there are any other issues taking place, illness, her age, additional work, home, upcoming event stressors.  Has she complained of new ailments, sleeping less, etc.?  BPD is made worse by physical issues - sometimes taking care of the physical ailment can help lessen the BPD.