Girlfriend of 3 months has blocked me out of her life

[Heartbroken85]

I’ve been in a relationship for 3 months to a girl who’s 23. I’m 34. I’ve had an ex wife with borderline personality disorder so I recognize a lot of the traits, I spoke to my therapist today and they reckon my new girlfriend/now ex is also borderline, of course not diagnosed officially.

Fast forward to the story and we have been in an intense relationship for 3 months, it feels like 30 years. We fell for each other quickly, met each other’s families quickly. I was living a few hours drive so we only saw each other every one/two weeks but we literally messaged each other 100 times a day. We became best friends, passionate lovers and everything was amazing, then I started to sense some drama occurring.

Two weeks into the relationship she posted a picture of a guy at work in her Snapchat story, I asked ah who’s that’s a worker? (This was when I was on a night out with friends). She said ahhh jealousy is not attractive, even though it was a simple who’s that? In a friendly manner, so this was a slight red flag but of course the love was blinding me. She went on to ruin my night by messaging me all night manipulating me into thinking it was my fault. It was like because I was out with friends, she wanted to ruin it.

Anyway she’s always saying she’s so laid back etc, which makes me think the opposite as she said it a lot. Fast forward the weeks on and we saw each other a few times, got even closer, even after the second month we felt madly in love with each other. I didn’t even feel this in love when I was with my ex wife of 6 years... was weird... we really fell for each other and she was saying she has never felt love like this before etc...

Then a few small arguments started to happen, she would bring out the jealousy card again, I think she’s very insecure trying to put her insecurities onto me. She would say things like ah my manager at work always flirt s with me all suited and booted. I said managers shouldn’t really be doing that these days. She said nah it’s ok just banter. Then she said jealousy isn’t attractive. When I blatantly wasn’t saying I was jealous. Like it was a mind game.

Anyway a few weeks ago we decided to book a holiday to Cyprus, she would go through phases of really talking about the holiday a lot and we should book it, to not... eventually we booked it and all was good...
3 weeks ago she sent me a message out of the blue saying June 29th I’m going out make a note. (A weekend we usually spend together). I said ok then, I will go out too and make plans. The next day she said her friend had let her down and we could do something. I said I’ve already made plans now and don’t want to let my friends down. She started saying that we aren’t going to see each other for 3 weeks. Again no compromise as we could have on the Sunday... or during the week on her days off...

She seemed to be going abit crazy that week. She had a maths test for work and maybe the stress of me going out got to her. Her ex from a few years ago cheated on her and got a girl pregnant. All this stress and crying I said be careful and take care as you don’t want to stress to much as you could end up like your mum (her mum is very mentally unwell and is bed ridden a lot).

She also started complaining that we don’t see each other often. I said well you say that you’re busy a lot of the time with your family and friends etc, and one week she said she had maths studying so couldn’t meet, then I saw her in the evenings with her auntie and friend both nights. I didn’t go mad I just said well you say you’re too busy to meet but doing these things with other people. She went crazy saying she can do what she wants with whoever she likes.

She was brought up by grandparents because of it. I know I shouldn’t have said this but it just came out from me in a caring manner and she went crazy with all the other stress in her mind and since that moment she wasn’t as close to me. We spent the following weekend together and had dinner with my parents and all was good. Then during that week she had drinks with one of her friends and some spa, and since that night she hasn’t been the same since. Last Saturday I asked her if she was ok as she wasn’t her usual chatty self, she said she was fine just stomach ache.

On the Sunday morning I get a message saying that she’s hurting from what I said about her mum and because I said that she couldn’t see her friends and family, and sorry she cannot do this anymore. That was it, she blocked me from every form of contact going! Snapchat, instagram, my phone number. I didn’t contact her for a few days to give space but I was going crazy. Then after that I sent a letter and flowers  apologizing deeply for what I said about her mum and I didn’t mean  it in a bad way, and also that she’s the love of my life and I hope she can contact me to meet to make it work but I understand if she doesn’t want to.
This week a week ago and I haven’t heard anything since. I managed to search her on Facebook and she’s put she’s single again.

I just can’t get over her. Even after the argument about her mum everything was fine that following weekend with my family and her family.

Somebody please give advice as I’m going crazy, seriously feel like I’m losing the plot as I was head over heels in love with this girl and I thought she was too but maybe my therapist is right and she is just another toxic partner I’ve met.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heartbroken85]

In addition to what happened with my girlfriend. I don’t know what to do now. We are supposed to be going on holiday on Sunday but I’ve heard nothing at all, I am really regretting sending her an apology letter now for saying everything I said about her mum and was terrible what I said, because maybe that’s validating her reasons for not coming to contact me so that regret is destroying me... maybe I should have said something else? It’s been a week since I’ve sent that and I’m wondering what to say next (if anhtbing)

I have 3 options and any advice from anybody who’s been in a similar situation would be great:

What’s happening about the holiday we’ve paid for on Sunday?

Hey, I know you’re hurting. I hope you’re ok and I’m caring for you from afar and I just want you to know that I’m here for you. I love you, I’m here for you and I hope we can make this work. I’m hurting too and I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk and hopefully we can find ways to be hurt less.

I just want to say thank you for all the great times we spent together. I’ve learned a lot from our relationship and I’m moving on. I hope we can still be friends someday. Anyway, hope all is well with you.

[Heartbroken85]

Has anybody gone through a similar thing?

[once removed]

hi Heartbroken85,

sounds like a hard place, my friend. i can understand your anxiety.

i think that when a person closes doors with a move like blocking, and isnt receptive to our apologies, the ball is largely in their court, and its a sign that they need a great deal of space. i would not, for a while, pursue this any further, it will likely push her further away.

it was a good move to apologize. people generally dont like to be compared to their parents, especially in a negative light. you owned it, you apologized, and that plants a seed of good will. unfortunately, it sounds like shes still hurting over it, and that may take some time to heal. it will show even more good will if you give her that space and respect.

now, when a person closes doors in a dramatic fashion like blocking, eventually, after the ice thaws, they start to feel badly about how things ended, and would prefer to be on good terms, or at least end things on a better note. theres no guarantee, but theres a decent likelihood that eventually, that may happen. it could take some time, though.

theres a great deal you can do with that time. learn the tools here, and develop a very different game plan for a relationship.

what do you think?

[Heartbroken85]

Hi there,

It is a very hard place and I feel like I’m really losing myself. I try to be the best I can and I didn’t mean to say what I said in a bad light just wasn’t thinking when I said it which makes it harder as I don’t have a bad bone in my body. Do you think my letter to her apologizing would confirm to her that she was right to leave me? I felt that I owed her a full apology even though I thought we had discussed it already.

Some people I’ve spoken to say she’s overeating and she should at least have talked to me about separating and the holiday but she’s obviously still angry and just couldn’t face me.

When you say it could take time, are you speaking from experience? And if so, how much time? I am desperate to contact her but really don’t want to push her away more as I genuinely feel that she’s the one I want to spend my life with. Everything was so perfect until this comment. I feel distraught with anger towards myself for it.

[once removed]

Do you think my letter to her apologizing would confirm to her that she was right to leave me?

i dont know.

i do think it was the right thing to do. more than likely, it will go a long way toward thawing the ice. that doesnt necessarily mean it will change her mind about giving the relationship another try, but if shes going to consider that, it can help.

When you say it could take time, are you speaking from experience? And if so, how much time?

well, ive hurt people, and ive been hurt by people; im sure you have as well. i dont know that theres a length of time you can put on what it takes to get past hurt feelings...people just have to work that out, and they have to want to. by not pushing, youre respecting her, and giving her the space to do that.

does that make sense?

[Heartbroken85]

Yes that makes sense thank you. She has a lot of narcissist traits and I’m not sure if she’s borderline or not.

My friend was worried about me so he contacted her friend to ask what happened. She said I was controlling, possessive and not understanding which I don’t understand as I literally let her do what she wants to whenever she wanted... if anything she was the controlling one, not wanting me to go out with friends and going in a mood for it. I felt like sending another letter to explain I’m not controlling? Now I’m confused of what to do

[once removed]

i think that sending a letter arguing with her reasons for the breakup might be perceived as controlling. in any event, it wouldnt change her mind.

let your apology stand, and speak for itself. its graceful. its strong.

sometimes it just takes a while for the ice to thaw, and demonstrating good will can plant a seed for when it does. thats not a guarantee though.

[Heartbroken85]

This is so hard, especially as my friend sent her friend a message behind my back stating that I was in. Abad way and asking her what happened between us. That’s when she said the controlling part, now I’m wishing my friend hadn’t sent that message as she probably thinks I asked him to send it... but I didn’t st all... but like my mum said, if she really loves me then she will be back. I was going to send another letter to say thank you for all the great time we spent together, I hope we can still be friends someday and I’m sorry it can’t to this. Do you think this would go down well and prove to her in not controlling as I’m not chasing her like all her other ex’s do. I’ve given her space, she had very controlling ex’s in the past so I think the first I do out of line she immediately thinks I’m the same which hurts even more.

[once removed]

Do you think this would go down well and prove to her in not controlling as I’m not chasing her like all her other ex’s do.

i dont think that it would send that message, Heartbroken85. shes blocked you on multiple fronts, and when a person does that, they are erecting very high walls.

the best way to send her the message that youre not controlling and not chasing her, is to respect her space, and let the ice thaw at her pace.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Heartbroken85

learn the tools here, and develop a very different game plan for a relationship.

once removed has some solid advice here.

Unfortunately when someone doesn't feel like talking to you you really can't get them to be in a romantic mood; people need to be in a good place themselves for that, and so do you if you want to get back to the love rollercoaster.

Sometimes closure is just to let things go, and I'm not talking about "it's over, find another gf" kind of thing, more like "welp, I messed up, better not do that next time, lets write it down on my 'things not to blurt out' list"

Don't sweat it, either she will come back or she will not, you need to be ready for another shot at romance/love either way 

When you say it could take time, are you speaking from experience? And if so, how much time?

I got ghosted a few months back (october last year, after two years on-off) and still trying to get better at dating (and yes, I am dating a different person now  ) there's a lot to learn. Took me a few months for myself to get over that and when we were still on-off she could take from 3 to 6 months between contacting me; others have mentioned hours, days, weeks, anything, so there's really no guideline to give you.

she had very controlling ex’s in the past

You say you were not as controlling as she claims, I think extending the same "benefit of the doubt" to her other ex's might be something to consider.

Remember intense emotions are a defining trait of bpd, so any slight may be blown out of proportion. So yes, something that seems caring to you like looking out for her not stressing out might get misinterpreted as controlling: I'm telling you not to do this (don't stress) or this bad thing will happen to you (become ill like your mom).

Phrasing might be important here, and one of the better tools for that is the "don't be invalidating" thing, give it a read?

[Heartbroken85]

Some good advice here so thank you for this. Still I can’t believe I was with a girl for 3 months and it’s almost been a month since she’s ghosted me and I’m still hurting just as much with regret. More regret as it was not in my nature to say that about her mum, that’s what hurts even more, that she saw me as the man of her dreams, devoted her whole life and heart to me and she feels as though I’ve hurt her like her ex’s have.

I know I need to stop blaming myself as i did try hard with this girl and opened my heart to her fully, but it’s still so hard looking back and knowing what we had was ruined from one argument and I was just completely deleted out of her life. Very hard to take. Shortly after it happened we even talked about it and both apologized for how the argument went, and I thought that was it, done with, then bang out of the blue, like I was talking to a different person or something.

[once removed]

"welp, I messed up, better not do that next time, lets write it down on my 'things not to blurt out' list"

i think Snap has good advice here.

i know when i went through my breakup, i agonized over particular incidents, if only i had done this, or not done this.

we should learn from those moments, and i dont mean to discourage from that when i say that what you said about her mom may have been a catalyst that led to her blocking, etc, but it was very likely not one single incident that blew this up.

this was a relatively short relationship of three months (most relationships dont survive longer) and in those three months, there was a lot of conflict, arguments, stress, etc.

i mention that because in the event that she does come back, youre going to need the tools to lead the relationship on a very different trajectory.

[Heartbroken85]

Yes I think that’s again very good advice. We had been arguing a lot the last 2 weeks of our relationship, and even she said it’s because of the distance and not seeing each other that’s causing us to argue... and I think her dad said to her that if we are arguing this much already...  but it was all because of the distance and that caused stress for both of us, not knowing when we would see each other next, not communicating properly as it was all over Snapchat texting.
I guess my regret is not spending more time with her when I should have done, but then again, this wasn’t something we really sat down and talked about. At one point she mentioned we need to sit down and talk about how we can be happy again. This was near the end, and we did talk about our argument briefly but I guess I should have taken the lead more with it.

[once removed]

long distance can be a serious strain on a relationship.

if she were to come back, how would you resolve it?

[Heartbroken85]

I would move closer to where she lives and buy a car so I could see her a lot. She was always asking me to buy a car so I could see her more often but I said I was happy getting the train. I wish I could tell her I realise the strain things had on the relationship and what we could do to improve it, but now it’s just a waiting game to see if she reaches out to me, but my gut is telling me she didn’t think I cared too much about her as she once said she always outthe effort into the relationship, (even though I travelled 150 miles to see her evrytimeand she never came down to see me) but from her eyes maybe she thought I should have just moved closer, which looking back I cannot change the clock, but I just wish I had another chance so she could see the real me but judging from her ex boyfriends problems, she doesn’t seem to give second chances easily so it’s a very hard tactic to find if I want her back, as like you said I want her to have space but also I want her to know I still love and want her.

[once removed]

how long has it been since she blocked you?

[Heartbroken85]

It had been a month now and I’ve heard nothing... don’t know what to do, tempted to ask her if we can just be friends, as at least it may open the door for something more in the future. I know she thought the world of me and was disappointed about what I said but when her step dad who’s overprotective and her friend who’s obviously thinking I’m a bad guy but she’s never met me before...

I don’t know what to do, shall I message and ask to be friends? It turns out she blocked my number but has only deleted me from Instagram she didn’t block me there so I could still message her. Part of me is thinking that she is thinking why am I not messaging her as a week before this happened, she was saying all of her ex’s ask for her back and it’s nice to be loved, and constantly trying to make me jealous. Maybe she was craving the attention that I wasn’t giving her and her love language was quality time together.

[once removed]

Part of me is thinking that she is thinking why am I not messaging

i can understand why youd think this.

its a tempting thing to believe in these circumstances, and anxiety tends to suggest to us that we need to act on it.

more than likely, if thats what she were thinking, she would contact you, and she would not have you blocked.

a month in these circumstances is a relatively short amount of time. she probably has not given it a great amount of thought, and that is generally a good thing.

if you are determined to contact her, we can help you craft what you want to say, but i would give it some more time.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Heartbroken,

Any update on your situation?
I've been ghosted too so I know how is it but still waiting.