So torn up

[Frankee]

Today I found myself feeling like I was missing something.  I found myself missing my bph.  I have a relapse of being held in his arms, the nights where I wasn't feeling in such disarray, thinking of sleeping in my own bed again and not some institutional set up room, his warmth, thinking of him telling me everything would be okay and I can stop hiding.

It really sucks... Something awful.  Any relationship I have ever left before, I never looked back.  It really sucks, knowing that I would easily fall back into him if I had any sort of real feeling for him.  I use to read other people's post when they finally left for good.  I never knew the pain they felt actually detaching from a relationship like this.  It's a different kind of pain.

The truth is, I only miss him when I feel lonely or am alone with my thoughts and it's quiet. I try very hard to pick apart and look at why I am feeling this way.  I think I just miss the physical contact.  And by that I mean, being held, having him sleep next to me, the times he was normal and would cuddle me close.

I guess this is just another stage of the emotional process of the unraveling of feelings I have been storing.

[Frankee]

I decided to shake this feeling and looked up videos about letting go of someone you love that is toxic.  Stumbled across a woman who is a life coach and survivor.  She put a lot into perspective.  There was a lot that she said that made me say "omg", that sounds like what happened to me.

Needless to say, she slapped me back into reality.  There is a small part of me that still feels that loss, but she struck really home with a lot that she said.  It made me remember why I am doing what I am doing. 

Even though part of me misses that person, there is a much larger part of me that refuses to allow that tug to pull me back.  Now I am doing the push/pull in my head, but I think the fact my heart really has left is what is saving me from returning.

[Longterm]

Many of us can relate to the pain you speak of, it is horrendous and the letting go is traumatic.

I feel like my logic is winning the battle over my heart, the relationsh1t is not what I thought it was. It helps me to look at the bigger picture and the damage caused as a whole, the huge amount of pain and suffering endured by many. What is the point of continuing with it? Is this relationsh1t really worth it when you know deep down that the other person is incapable of feeling the same and is currently unable to stop hurting You?

These questions are helping me right now, and it hurts like hell.

[Frankee]

I feel like my logic is winning the battle over my heart, the relationsh1t is not what I thought it was. It helps me to look at the bigger picture and the damage caused as a whole, the huge amount of pain and suffering endured by many. What is the point of continuing with it? Is this relationsh1t really worth it when you know deep down that the other person is incapable of feeling the same and is currently unable to stop hurting You?

I really understand that part.  I think I had to go on the journey I did in order to fully let go with my heart.  Every time before I went back is because I still felt love for him.  Always felt a little step closer, more intense honeymoon phase when I went back.  It was intoxicating... Just like a drug, high and low love bombs.

Then I remember the lows.  Never in my entire life has anyone ever treated me as horrible as him.  Not even my ex who turned out to be a sex offender.  My reality right there is a hard pill to swallow.  I have been in some serious jacked up relationships and I know now that I have to keep moving forward.

It is hard detaching, he will always be in my life.  My precious little boys who are the reason I still try hard every day.  They are the reason I am working so hard to provide a better life.  They are the reason I don't go back.  I know that I am a better, healthier, and happier mother to them.

[Longterm]

Yes, look at what you wrote.

I can tell you now I still love my ex, the highs are amazing, to be wanted, to feel loved is intoxicating. The brick wall I have faced many times is horrible, the self doubting and the shame is a truly awful experience. It is not worth it and my ex coming back has left me and my kids very low but I did learn an awful lot. This person is never going to be who we want her to be, she has the ability to destroy us in seconds, whether we like it or not, it is FACT.

You are right, you have to keep moving forward and you have to think of your boys, it's not going to change Frankee. I too feel like a better parent without my ex, it's a huge incentive moving forward.

You are hurting because you are human, and that's more than ok.

[I Am Redeemed]

These relationships can be addictive, and that is definitely one reason there is so much pain in letting go. There's also the uncertainty of being alone, of not having a partner, and that can be scary. What helped me was realizing and remembering that I felt alone already, still in the relationship, and I never truly could rely on my ex for emotional support or comfort. I was already doing that by myself. I was missing the idea of the relationship, not the actual reality of the relationship. That's something I am still grieving, though it has gotten easier. I do feel incredibly alone at times, but I find an outlet...talk to a friend, come here and post, journal...it helps to know that others have or are still walking similar paths, and I am not the first or last to go through this.

It takes some time for the up and down emotions to come close to baseline. I found that I didn't really take off with progress towards that until I began seeing a trauma therapist. My healing began to take off after a few regular sessions with her.

[Longterm]

What helped me was realizing and remembering that I felt alone already, still in the relationship, and I never truly could rely on my ex for emotional support or comfort. 

That is very thought provoking.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Frankee, I agree w/Redeemed: what we miss is often an idealized version of the r/s, rather than the reality, which can be a nightmare.  I suggest you balance your thoughts with the negative incidents that you no doubt experienced.  There's a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde quality to a BPD r/s, in the sense that you can't have one side without the other.

I suggest being grateful that it's over and you are moving on in a healthier direction.

LuckyJim

[Frankee]

I saw my bph yesterday.  When I picked up S3.  He talked about the change, the realizations, all the things that I had been trying to tell him this whole time, how he was so sorry that he didn't know I was at this point.  I sat there and listened.  Heard the sincerity in his voice.  Felt how much he wanted another chance.. I just felt.. nothing.  Emptiness towards him.  Well.. maybe an occasional irritation or bubbling of rage, but I remained stone on the outside.

The sadness, the feeling of loss, feeling of wanting his touch.. was all washed away when I saw him.  It was like, seeing him.. not the wondering, is what just reaffirmed my choice to leave.  It's a bittersweet feeling.  The man I use to once give my entire heart to, is now just a hollow feeling.  There is nothing left in me that wants to even give the slightest chance.

When I feel like it's getting too hard.  I remind myself of where I use to be.  The amount of sadness I use to experience, so much that it almost took everything from me.  I have felt such freedom and happiness in the past month, that sometimes I forget how bad things use to be.

[Cat Familiar]

Interesting to watch your own reactions. I bet you were surprised at what you didn’t feel.

[Lucky Jim]

I have felt such freedom and happiness in the past month, that sometimes I forget how bad things use to be.

Nicely said, Frankee.  I've experienced the same kind of amnesia, blocking out the negative experiences.  Then I remind myself how miserable I was in my marriage and take a deep breath of gratitude to be out of it.

LuckyJim