How to handle situations when my wife has conflict with her coworkers

[The Wind]

I'm looking for tips or ideas on how to handle situations that often arise when my wife has conflict with other people, most notably her coworkers.

All through the week, my wife will come home with complaints about her boss, or the way something was done at work, or because something wasn't done the way she thought it should be. I often get text during the week with "I'm done" (meaning that she's quitting work). I know it's normal to complain about work related things, I think most can relate to that, and I believe it's normal to vent those complaints to your spouse. What I'm talking about is the all out circular thinking that leads her to talk about it all night long. She talks to me about it, as if I'm the offender sometimes. There is so much anger in her face and in her tone, and so many threats about quitting or attacking someone, it's just so over the top and negative that it just drags me into this negative head space or makes me want to simply get away from her. The next day or two and it's all forgotten until someone rubs her wrong again.

The thing that's hard for me, is all the negative talk and energy. When she's in these tirades it gives me such anxiety and a desire to just walk away. Want to rage about your work for 30 minutes? Go for it, but for hours? It's such a waste of time to me. In those moments it's also so easy to say the wrong thing and then all that anger gets directed towards me.

I typically try to validate what she says that I believe is also valid, and stay focused on the valid things. Acknowledge how it made her feel and empathize. After that I'm kind of quiet. To do that over and over for hours? it's just to much for me to do.

Any tips or ideas that people have found that help someone come out of this circular thinking that just processes this anger over and over?

It really drags me down, and disconnects me from her, which inevitability makes the relationship worse.

Make sense to anyone?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

if its draining to you, find a place and a way to take a break from it, or change the subject. a good way to change the subject might be to say something like "sounds like a rough day honey! how about i treat you to _____ and we do _____ together!", that sort of thing.

it can be a trick to know what will work best without her feeling cut off, or like shes getting on your nerves, so you need a benign way. it could be as simple as running to the restroom, or "i need to start on dinner, how bout we do it together", that kinda thing.

what do you think?

[The Wind]

I think those are good suggestions, and I have tried some of those, and sometimes they work, but more often than not she'll ruminate on the subject all night, no matter if I manage to break away or not, she'll come back to it.

I think part of the problem is that I'm her outlet, she doesn't really maintain close friends that she could also vent to, I feel like the dumping ground of her negative emotions.

I'll certainly try something like the "sounds like a rough day want to get some_____".

[waverider]

I get this neg raving and the more it goes on the more she distorts it and then starts to believe the distortions, and you are then pressurised into validating the invalid. If you do, it cheapens you to yourself and you feel lessor for it, if you dont then you become the object of anger and it goes off on a tangent with you being the focus.

So first you do have to remove yourself from it, but in a distracting way rather than an obvious "I have had enough and I am out of here" kind of way. The longer you leave it the more likely you are to do the latter.

Then keep reengaging in an attempt to distract, this avoids the abandonment triggers and helps to refocus her energies. After all it is all just a need to release pent up emotional energies. So any distraction has to be something she can get enthused about. Cant expect all this adrenaline to come to a grounding halt.

It is important though to make sure you are not exposed to it endlessly and just put a brave face on, otherwise it will take serious toll on your mental welfare and general anxiety levels

[The Wind]

Thanks waverider.

Ive handled it that way in the past just kind of took it all in and sat and listened. There is defenitely pressure to validate the invalid at times, I think in general she is always looking for validation. That has become harder to do over the years, and your spot on with validating the invalid causing me to feel cheapened or less for it. I myself am a person who strives for peace and compromise, even peace over compromise, and with her it's "validate MY point" and I've often chosen peace/validate, but immediately and later regretted it because I didn't truly agree with it. That's something I've been working on this year in myself. Validate what's valid, but not the other stuff, no matter the pressure.

The day I started this post, she came home ranting about work, it's been 7 days now, and she's still talking about it, or issues that have grown out of that issue, every night, throughout the day, it's consuming her thoughts.

Thanks for the advice, I'll work on ways to separate myself and redirect her energy into hopefully something more positive or constructive without being dismissive.

[The Wind]

So I had an issue with this again last night, and came back here to reread this post to see if there was something I could have done differently to avoid the negative response I got last night.

My wife starts going on a little rant about one of her coworkers, and it was essentially about how he doesn't know what he's doing and how he's going to get someone hurt, because of his lack of experience. He is a person with higher authority than her at her workplace. The issue for me, is that this incident happened several weeks ago, and we've talked about it many times since then, and during those times I tried to be engaging with her, to listen and empathize with her concerns, but last night I think I'd finally hit a wall with the subject. In my head it was kind of "oh no, this again?"

I've been trying to make better eye contact with her as we speak, in order focus on what she's saying, and show her that I'm listening, because she so easily feels unheard. Last night during that conversation, I kept good eye contact with her, and listened, but just responded with "yeah, uh-huh, yeah" that sort of thing, frankly because I was tired of the topic, we'd discussed it several times already, and just didn't see the purpose in hashing it out again. Well I think she could see it on my face (she is perceptive) that I just wasn't interested in the subject, even though I was clearly giving her my attention. She gets up and says something like "I won't bore you with my work anymore, all I ever get out of you is yeah and uh-huh, so I'll just won't talk about work to you anymore" and leaves the room for a little while, comes back and barely speaks to me the rest of the night.

I was tired, didn't want to get into a back and forth, so I picked up a few things around the house and told her goodnight and went to bed.

This morning she's distant but talking, and went to tell me something about her work, and caught herself, and said "Oh, never mind".

Years ago when our marriage was having a really hard time, we'd spoken about her obsession with the negative aspects of her work, and how she ruminates on them and how that in turn affects our relationship, because the evening can revolve around all that negative energy. Back then she openly recognized it and vowed to work on it. I haven't said anything to her about that in a really long time (years) even though it still occurs so regularly, but I'm sure she still remembers the conversation and is thinking about that some now. I've been through this cycle with her before, where she'll not want to talk about work with me for a few days to a week, and then it all comes pouring back in and that's 80% of what she talks about at night with me again.

What in that incident could I have done differently to not generate that kind of response from her?

I don't want her to feel unheard, or feel like she can't vent to me, but I also don't want that to be the majority of what she talks to me about. For me it begins to feel like I'm just the dumping ground of all her anger and resentment of work related issues. Things that she may want to say at work, but can't or won't, get said to me. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it feels like I'm the target, like she's talking to me as if I'm the one who did those things, because there is so much anger and intensity coming from her. She may not see it like that, but that is how it feels to me, and as much as I want to be a safe place for her to say those things that she feels, I can only handle so much of it. The ruminating on a specific incident is also so parallelizing, I think to her, and for me, it's just frustrating. Is that a form of her trying to process it all? What could be going on in her thoughts that keep her ruminating on an incident like that?

What to do?

[once removed]

let her self soothe.

shes feeling self conscious...like a bore. at the same time, part of her also probably gets that what she does is a little much.

dont rescue her from that, or bring it up, let her work it out.

in the meantime, try doing something (unrelated) loving that shows her support and attention.

[BadIdeasCanSwim]

So I had an issue with this again last night, and came back here to reread this post to see if there was something I could have done differently to avoid the negative response I got last night.

My wife starts going on a little rant about one of her coworkers, and it was essentially about how he doesn't know what he's doing and how he's going to get someone hurt, because of his lack of experience. He is a person with higher authority than her at her workplace. The issue for me, is that this incident happened several weeks ago, and we've talked about it many times since then, and during those times I tried to be engaging with her, to listen and empathize with her concerns, but last night I think I'd finally hit a wall with the subject. In my head it was kind of "oh no, this again?"

I've been trying to make better eye contact with her as we speak, in order focus on what she's saying, and show her that I'm listening, because she so easily feels unheard. Last night during that conversation, I kept good eye contact with her, and listened, but just responded with "yeah, uh-huh, yeah" that sort of thing, frankly because I was tired of the topic, we'd discussed it several times already, and just didn't see the purpose in hashing it out again. Well I think she could see it on my face (she is perceptive) that I just wasn't interested in the subject, even though I was clearly giving her my attention. She gets up and says something like "I won't bore you with my work anymore, all I ever get out of you is yeah and uh-huh, so I'll just won't talk about work to you anymore" and leaves the room for a little while, comes back and barely speaks to me the rest of the night.


This morning she's distant but talking, and went to tell me something about her work, and caught herself, and said "Oh, never mind".

I'm relatively new at the validation thing, but I would say something like "yeah, disputes with a coworker/boss are always tough, especially when someone's safety is involved". Point out a fact or aspect of what she is saying that makes her emotion or feeling make sense.  Sometimes I like to validate by asking questions and there I would say "is his lack of regard for other's safety what is bothering you?" Especially if I'm not actually sure what about it is causing the high emotion.

One thing about validating that I was always afraid of is if I validate her feelings on a situation, and I believe that she was likely acting unreasonably or needlessly escalating, that she would use my validation as a stick in her dispute with the person. I have not had that happen yet thankfully.

The second comes up for me when I set or enforce a boundary. She will move the boundary to an unreasonable position to her detriment and point out her compliance. I'm not sure how to best handle this situation, but I usually just validate her frustration with something like "I know it sucks but its just something I need" and then explain the spirit of the boundary vs. the letter of it.

[The Wind]

Thanks for those suggestions, I think those are good ways to validate, and stay engaged in the conversation, without finding yourself agreeing for the sake of agreeing on the point. I have been working on this.

In this particular situation, and many others, I was just past talking about it again. I think for me the hard part becomes the repetition and obsession of the specific topic. Talk about it 2-3 times and lets move on to another subject, or revisit down the road, but in her mind it just crops up, over and over and over, and that's why I wondered if it was a form of her processing the situation and her feelings about it? I'm not sure. She certainly has obsessive thinking on many topics and can get upset if I don't place the same importance on those thoughts as she does. For me, it can be draining, and I loose interest in the subject because we're essentially having the same conversation without new information, it's like we're on repeat! Maybe that's a hang up I have?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi The Wind -

I’ve wondered if the repetition, obsession and droning on ad nauseum on certain topics is a BPD trait. 

I’m sure that my uBPDbf must think I have bladder control issues with the number of times I run off to use the loo when he’s droning on and on about his mother’s marriage (stepfather passed away almost 9 months ago).  This topic is about 3 years old now.  My gawwwd...

I listen and validate the BEST I can but I’m approaching the end of a rapidly fraying rope on this topic.  I’m trying to figure out what’s at the core of this - tho’ I think it’s the enmeshment of uBPDbf and his mom.  Maybe?

Is that it?  Do we need to figure out what lies at the core of the matter?

I don’t know... skip to the loo...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[Red5]

I’ve wondered if the repetition, obsession and droning on ad nauseum on certain topics is a BPD trait.

I can certainly relate to this entire thread… although now years back, my own ubpdw had a career in the college system, she is (was) an accountant…

Same thing, for hours and hours she would drone on and on about this that an the other thing… always how she was being taken advantage of, and how her underlings were out to get her, and how they went behind her back to the direct report VP…

It got so old… but she was NEVER interested in hearing about how a great day I had… nope!

And then, she would call her mum, and repeat the entire monologue… ad nauseum (Gemsforeyes) !

And to concur with 'The Wind'… there was always a fine line at validation, and her perceived notion that "I" was taking the other side of thigs… certainly NOT something you wanted to deal with after a day at work… that engulfed the evening… it was "all about her".

Supper, the 6 o'clock news, and feet up time… NO!… lets go on and on about how "my" work environment is SNAFU… ugh  

This was long before my bpd "epiphany".

She got dx with stage iv cancer several years ago, and swore that the college was trying to get rid of her, so she resigned… long story,

Yeah, no quarter, no rest, no escape… and you better hope that you don't get caught short on attention, and validation… because then you (me) will very quickly become the target of the chaos and simmering rage : (

Red5

[The Wind]

Yeah, no quarter, no rest, no escape … and you better hope that you don't get caught short on attention, and validation … because then you (me) will very quickly become the target of the chaos and simmering rage : (

Red5

No quarter for sure. It's interesting to me how these behaviors are so similar, even across cultures, it's as if we're all living the same life experience with different people who act and react in the same ways. It's easy for me to get caught short on attention sometimes, because I have to tune out in order to maintain my own sanity, but your exactly right, there's a price to pay for that, a price that doesn't equal the crime in my opinion!

I'm getting daily rants about her supervisor now, even though she's already turned in her notice, her supervisor is on vacation right now for the whole week, and yet daily the rants keep coming every evening. It's such a hyper focus on the negative.

She's now quit another job without having a new job to go to. This will be the third job in a row she's done that, and each time it's put us in a bad spot financially. She gave a month's notice this time (although days before the months notice she told me that her supervisor had told her that her current position would be terminated in two weeks, so that's not adding up) which is better than just walking out. They offered her another position that she wouldn't accept, which baffles me, we have a three year old to take care of, work the position until you find something else, even if you don't like it, suck it up for your daughter! According to her, she just can't do it. I feel the real reason is because she feels the job is just to much for her, but wouldn't just come out and say that it's to much and I need to quit, she's to prideful for that, instead she has to demonized her supervisor to the point of no return in order to convince herself that no one can work under this person, and that justifies her decision. Ironically she's trying to go back to work for her former supervisor that she equally demonized and left the former job because of. How does she justify that in her mind I wonder?

She'll be a nurse practitioner soon. I wonder how that will affect her relationships at work? I hope it will help, because she'll answer to less people, but I just don't know. She has trouble answering to anyone that she sees a flaw in, which is everyone!

[Jessica84]

When she said "I won't bore you with work anymore"... that's a win!

Honestly. Sounds heartless but there's a benefit to that.. for BOTH of you...

My bf would complain endlessly about his job too. His clients are demanding, some are half-crazy. I get it. I feel for him. I validated for awhile, tried to give advice (don't do that!), tried changing the subject, tried distraction. After hours of this, my eyes would glaze over. I found myself not listening at all. Then I got the same response as your wife - something along the lines of "you don't care, I don't know why I bother talking to you about this, blah blah." At first, I felt bad, guilty. I knew he needed to vent and felt safest talking to me. But then... something magical happened. Instead of insisting he keep spilling his venom onto me, I took his jabs and silent treatment in stride. Even when he brought up work again (and caught himself, just as your wife did), rudely making a point not to discuss it because of how awful a listener I was, I just shrugged it off, moved on.

The magical part is he started coming up with his own solutions. Started working out to relieve his stress, set boundaries with his clients, changed his perspective in how he looked at, and ultimately dealt with, his issues at work and clients.

That's when I realized it wasn't good for me OR him to let him go on and on the way he did before. He got stuck. I got stuck with him. Sounds like you and your wife are stuck in a pattern. Her "solution" is to complain, yours is to be supportive, but that doesn't change her situation at all, and it's not fair to you. They CAN learn healthier coping skills. We just have to let them. Since my guy is obsessive about work, he still brings it up pretty much daily, but it's much more manageable now.. closer to "normal" venting and doesn't last quite as long. Baby steps!

[Cat Familiar]

Jessica84 mentioned something interesting—her boyfriend started working out.

What you describe in your wife’s daily monologues is what I endured throughout my childhood when my mother returned to work. Word. for. word.

I took care of her in the years before she died and that obsessive pattern was still there. What I discovered that alleviated her distress was physical exercise.

She liked working in the garden and I started taking her to an exercise class that she loved.

If you look at your wife’s response apart from the verbal diarrhea, what’s occurring is that she is profoundly uncomfortable. I believe if you could get her to walk with you while having these conversations, preferably on a route with steep inclines, it will minimize some of her verbiage.

[once removed]

The magical part is he started coming up with his own solutions

this is what happens when a person self soothes. they redirect their energy.

i have a relatively new dog...had him over a year, still training him, challenging breed. hes very clingy. they call them velcro dogs, because they follow you everywhere and stay glued to you. literature will tell you its not an inherently bad trait at all. it means your dog loves you, is loyal to you, and wants to be around you. at the same time, i love my dog, and i want him to have a bit more confidence, a bit more independence. i want him to be able to be in another room by himself.

so i started reading up on this behavior, there are all sorts of ways to encourage some space, to desensitize him to my every move, and there are also ways to stop rewarding the behavior and redirect it.

one of the many things that happens is he will be standing on the back of the couch near me, and lets say im petting him. the minute i stop, he will start pawing at me, demanding my attention, and id always give it. i started ignoring it. id turn away, look away. hed get upset. hed paw at me more, and hed start to whine. at first, when he would stop, thats when i would give him attention. it teaches him that giving space is a better way to get attention. that was a few days ago. now, he will paw at me for a second, and if i ignore him, he starts to entertain himself, turns to a toy. when that happens, i praise him. hes beginning to get it, and adapt.

i realize your wife is not a dog. its a human nature thing. our partners are really sensitive to rejection. theyre really sensitive to us changing our old responses - they perceive that as rejection. theyll get upset and whine. but theyre also resilient. they are very capable of redirecting their energy. they are capable of self soothing, when we let them.

your wife loves you, and trusts you enough to confide in you. this is a great thing you dont want to change. you just want to change the nature of it, move it into a bit healthier trajectory. and to the extent that its healthy, you want to encourage it.

positive reinforcement. give what you can. be able to exit the conversation or change the subject when its a drain. be able to not take it personally when she feels rejected, but follow that up with reassurance in other, more subtle ways. let her find other outlets.

alternatively, you could interrupt her, suggest that the two of you go for a walk. i always find it both easier to focus on what someones saying when i need to, and easy to tune out when i want to. the same will be true for her, and there will be more natural ways to change the subject. walks are romantic, and the two of you might appreciate it no matter the subject. additionally, the conversation will need to end by the time youre done walking. it sets a natural timer.