Second guessing my radar for things that seem "off"

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi,
Some of you may have read my other post about my sister and how she doesn't seem to have the capacity for emotional intimacy (or empathy, in many situations). She has legal guardianship of my five oldest kids, and I posted on Family Law about her decision to go ahead and let me see my kids unsupervised since the CPS case has been closed for almost three years and I kind of got stuck in legal limbo regarding visitation. Last night I was able to have my kids come stay with me for the first time in five years. This is something my sister and I agreed on two weeks ago, talked about, and last week I asked her if they still wanted to come. She said how many do you want? I said ? I'll take them all (s6 was not sure about spending the night; he changed his mind and did just fine). So I picked them up from church and all but D5 spent the night (ear infection with fever).

We agreed yesterday I would bring them home in time for them to go see the fireworks display at nine o'clock. I texted her to ask how much time they would need to get ready, and she never answered, so I brought them at a quarter til eight.

When we walked in the door, she asked D12 and D10.5 "Oh, so you decided to come back? You didn't decide to just stay there?" I thought immediately that this was an odd thing to say, especially upon their return. No "did you have fun? what did you do?" etc, anything that normal people might say.

D12 and D10.5 did not know how to respond. This was awkward, and I can't explain it really, because the tone was nonchalant, but I sensed something else there- something just right beneath the surface, like I feel when I think someone is trying to manipulate me or otherwise pulling some PD-type tactics.

D12 finally said she would have stayed another night. D10.5 concurred. My sister said "well, D12, you could, because Redeemed has to work tomorrow night and you're big enough to stay by yourself, but you and D10.5 can't stay home alone together".

I couldn't believe we were walking into this type of conversation straight outta the gate- no hi, no acknowledgement, it almost seemed like she was pi$$ed off that they left and had a good time and were now back. Her tone seemed almost sarcastic and patronizing.

D12 of course looks at me to see if I will say that she can come back home with me. This will mean that she misses the fireworks with my sister, her husband, and the rest of the "family". Also, D10.5 will feel left out. And, I'm not so sure I want D12 staying home alone while I work at night and don't get home until after 10 pm.

This seemed like a no-win situation sprung on me and my kids immediately for no rational reason. I can't explain it other than I just sensed the "offness". Does that make sense to anyone?

I told the girls it wouldn't be fair to let one come and not the other, and I would try to work something out so they could both stay for a week. The girl I trade babysitting with may not mind two extra big kids who help, who are polite, and who love to play with little kids.

My sister chimed in that "well, D10.5 fights with the little ones". Yeah, her brothers and sisters, at home, but she probably would not do that with someone else's kids at their house. Anyway.

My sister then went on to tell D12 and D10.5 that she went to the laundromat and all their clothes were on their beds, and they needed to put them away, and they could just say thank you to her for going to the laundromat and washing them. Then there was a discussion about some Mrs. So-and-so who made her kids do their own laundry.

I don't know what to make of this conversation or my sister's mood. I think my kids felt (because I felt it too) that they were being put on the spot as if they had done something wrong right when they walked through the door, or as if they were being questioned in a manner that could be explained away as "not serious" but really was, and they better come up with the right answer. I felt like I was instantly transported back to childhood, standing there with my kids like I was Redeemed age 11. It was unsettling and I am trying to figure out what the game is, because I am sure there is one. Some type of negative emotion or mood was there, just waiting to come out, and it was being expressed in the form of mild irritation. My sister acted like she was irritated that they were home...or that they went in the first place and had a good time...like she resents that they really still do want to live with me, and she is trying to to force them to confess that and at the same time trying to strategically prove that I am not equipped to have them full-time yet.

Why? I don't know. I'm still chewing on all of this.

D12 texted me on the way home lobbying for a two week stay with me, one of the weeks being with D10.5 as well. I told her we would talk about it (as I was trying to not fully break down crying in front of s3).

Does anyone else see what I see in this conversation? I don't know if I overreact or underreact to dysfunction, but I just keep saying that I sensed something, and I can't ignore it.
Does this seem "off" to anyone else? Just wondering what you guys think, if I even am explaining it well enough.

[GaGrl]

I'll read this ava n in the kind my and respond, but at first read, there is just so much dysfunction and passive-aggressive "stuff" going on! Oh, my...

[Harri]

Hi.

Reading your post I kept thinking she is reacting from fear even though it may not seem that way with her words and actions.  Fear of abandonment and insecurity could account for a lot of what you saw.

I think your gut was right in noticing something was off.

I couldn't believe we were walking into this type of conversation straight outta the gate- no hi, no acknowledgement, it almost seemed like she was pi$$ed off that they left and had a good time and were now back. Her tone seemed almost sarcastic and patronizing...like she resents that they really still do want to live with me, and she is trying to to force them to confess that and at the same time trying to strategically prove that I am not equipped to have them full-time yet.

This sounds about right actually.  Fear has a funny way of showing itself, especially in someone who is not good at handling difficult emotions.

How do you feel about how you responded to her?  

Have you ever read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother?  We have a link to a free audio copy and you might find it helpful for understanding how your sister was when she was raising you and for some of what your kids are going though.  Here is the link on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-Ai6ujUDX0&list=PL94j5ECCzW1frzUVZtYclBrzjOv7OpujU&index=1&spfreload=10  Each chapter has it own file so it is easier to listen to it.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Gagrl.
thanks for confirming that you see some passive-aggression. That's what I was experiencing, but I couldn't think of that term for some reason. It seemed more on the aggressive side than the passive side, but like the aggressive was reeled in just enough to not be overt, if that makes sense. It put us all off-balance, for sure, and I got about a ten-minute glimpse of what my kids' life must be like on a daily basis. Ugh and 

Hi Harri,

I will check out the link and I do think that book might be helpful to me. I have been rejecting the idea that my sister has a PD, especially BPD, because she just seems so high-functioning, and my experience with BPD has been with ex ubpdh, who is at the other extreme end of the spectrum, but the more acquainted I get with the many different presentations of PD's, the more I see that she has more traits than I thought at first glance. Insecurity, rejection, and fear of abandonment makes perfect sense, and I think you are absolutely right.

If I look back, I see my sister taking on the role of primary caregiver to a child in order to boost her self image and soothe her emotional turmoil, starting forty years ago with me when my mother attempted suicide. When I was twenty, she had her one and only bio child, her son who is now 21. That curbed the urge for a while, I guess, but she had a hysterectomy and could not have any more kids, not to mention that she was 41 when she finally became a bio mom (the age I am now, the age my mom was when she had me). Her son was a teen when all this started with my kids, and I think she felt the need to once again "rescue" some children to make herself feel better. It's her form of self-soothing, even though she complains about them. She tried very hard to wipe my name off the board and write hers in there, and if they show loyalty to me and still love me as their "real mom" (which is what they call me) then yes, I think she feels betrayed and abandoned. I don't think she can comprehend that my kids can love her and love me in different ways. It's a black-and-white mindset.

She wants to control her r/s with the kids and my r/s with the kids. She wants to control how they feel about her, and how they feel about me. I think she is only offering visitation to me to make herself look like a good person, so she can feel like a good person.

Sigh. I feel ok about how I responded, because I couldn't come up with any other solution on the spot like that. If it makes me look like I am not fully equipped to have the kids full-time right now, well, so what. The truth is that I am not. Not yet. That will come. I don't have to feel bad about it. I have made lots of progress, and I will continue. My situation is temporary, because I am consistently moving forward. I am better off than I was a year ago, MUCH better off than I was two years ago. Next year I will be even better. It's a process, and she can't stop it. How much I improve my mental and emotional state, my finances, my education and career status, is not up to her, it's up to me. She may feel threatened by it, in fact I am sure she does, because she has actively tried to sabotage my progress before when I was still with ubpdh. She doesn't have the excuse of "she's still with him" anymore, so she will have to be more strategic.

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, the controlling has started. D12 told me today that D10.5 is not going to be allowed to come to my house this week because she was outside in her pajamas and didn't take a shower when she was told. D12 said that D10.5 was crying and upset, and D12 is irritated and upset that my sister did this to D10.5. Also, my kids have vacation Bible school at their church this week, and they have been told they have the choice of going to my house or going to vbs (as if I can't or won't take them? Whatever).

The best solution I can think of is to get a lawyer ASAP and get a court order so my sister cannot use visitation as a dysfunctional tool to control, manipulate, or punish my kids. That will take some time, as I have to get finances in order. In the meantime, I am trying to validate my kids without being pulled into triangulation.