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Author Topic: DIL37 BPD /S30 DPD  (Read 363 times)
bad cycle
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Divorced many years
Posts: 1



« on: July 05, 2019, 12:10:12 AM »

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I suspect my DIL37 has BPD. My son had said no marriage unless therapy before marriage, then, (despite saying she was infertile) she got pregnant and refused all therapy previously agreed to.
Lots of problems even before the marriage.  Then, the day my grandchild was born, she forbade me to the hospital.  (this was after me giving them their baby showers, bringing her meals, etc) First 3 months of baby home a nightmare for everyone.  My son called me frantic numerous times about how crazy everything was.  The baby ended up in Neonatal ICU with dehydration. She finally told him if he had any contact with me, she would divorce him and he would never see his child. I had never had any conflict or event with her to set any of this off. Supportive of them as a couple and parents in every possible way. She also isolated him from any family (unless they would turn against me) and all of his friends.

After 7 years of total estrangement - no phone calls, not allowed to see my son or grandchild I went to see my son at his job, for closure.  To tell him, if this was what he wanted I would stop all attempts to connect. But he didn't want that and said he wanted a relationship. 

We meet with 2 different therapists several times. But each time, DIL stopped him from returning after a few of sessions and would not allow him to do exercises assigned by both therapists with me.  Both confirmed my son was in an abusive relationship.   My son acknowledged to me that was probably true. I continued therapy on my own with second and she diagnosed my son with Dependent Personality Disorder. My grandson is on medication after having been expelled from 4 schools before he finished 1st grade.  It is a really toxic situation. 

My son is totally isolated at this point.  No friends,  not allowed to have any activities anymore (he used to fish, hunt & go to gym). It seems my grandson is isolated as well.DIL wrecked her car 7 months ago & they haven't gotten a new one, even though it was fully insured & money is not an issue. So now he doesn't even have any alone time in his car, which means he can't call me as he occasionally did while commuting from work.  She drives him & picks him up (even though she also works & they also have to drop & pick up grandson.

I have mostly detached at this point.  Have given up trying to contact my grandson other than cards & small gifts on occasions (never acknowledged).
I send my son an occasional text, which he sometimes answers. He never answers my phone calls & never calls.

Tonight, he called me and asked if I was close by & could I give him a ride.   (He lives nearly 3 hours away & had no reason to think I would be in his city.) I was totally caught off guard and told him no, I wasn't close.  And asked if he was ok.  He said fine & hung up.  He did not seem intoxicated in any way. When I texted him after to see if he was ok & got a ride, he never replied.  I called and he never answered.

I have spent tons on therapy for myself. Only conclusion seems to be I need to detach. I have mostly detached, with very little contact.  But it makes me feel I am abandoning my son.  But every interaction is painful.  Now I won't sleep tonight wondering why my son called, why he is not responding and if he is safe. ( I do believe his wife is capable of grave harm).  Am I being co-dependent?  How do I detach when I know my son (& grandson) is suffering and too sick to help himself or his child?  Knowing how unhealthy that whole situation is and getting worse?

This is so hard. 


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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2019, 10:31:24 PM »

That is very sad, and I'm sorry that they cut you off.

I don't think you are being co-dependent at all (co-dependecy involves sacrificing your needs for others to validate your srlf-worth, and my therapist said that a true co-dependent would demonstrate this in all aspects and relationships).

They cut you off from them.  And your grandbaby. They both have exhibited dysfunctional and unhealthy behaviors: your DIL being controlling (did she crash the car on purpose, and even if not, they could buy a beater so your son could commute), your son exhibiting DPD behaviors, and your poor grandchild having behavioral issues the last you heard. 

The good thing here is that at least your son still kind of talks to you though the last contact seems odd. 

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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2019, 06:17:26 AM »

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's sadly a pattern I have seen before, on this board, the relationship board ( where the person is cut off from family and friends) and also with my father who was in a similar situation with my BPD mother ( he is now deceased ).

I think it is good that you have done so much work with detatchment and not being co-dependent.  Personally, I think it is the best thing to do in a difficult situation. When we step into the drama as "rescuers" it can lead to the couple bonding together "against" us. In my own experience, the pwBPD takes "victim " mode and their partner "rescuer". Ironically, the partner is also in an abusive situation too. My father was my mother's rescuer, enabler, and she was abusive to him ( and to her children as well). Sadly, these relationships seem to be very strong.

I think  you did the right thing by not going 3 hours to drive. Your son didn't give you much else to decide on. I know if he was in some sort of trouble, you would have gone, but it is his responsibility to tell you and ask you. He's a grown man. However, even if we decide to not have co-dependent behaviors with grown adults, can we ever truly be detatched from someone so important to us as a parent or a child? The parent - child bond is very strong too. I was completely shocked at my BPD mother's power to interfere with this bond- but she did- separated my father from his parents, his siblings, and eventually from me.

It's not easy to detach and I commend you for your work to not be co-dependent. I did a lot of work on that too. But you are a mother too and I know as a mom, we keep a special place in our hearts for our kids, and for me, my father. If he were here today and I got a call like that, I'd be concerned about his well being too. It's not co-dependent to care, but we need to be mindful of when we are enabling/rescuing.

I hope your son is OK.
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