I suspect my DIL37 has BPD. My son had said no marriage unless therapy before marriage, then, (despite saying she was infertile) she got pregnant and refused all therapy previously agreed to.
Lots of problems even before the marriage. Then, the day my grandchild was born, she forbade me to the hospital. (this was after me giving them their baby showers, bringing her meals, etc) First 3 months of baby home a nightmare for everyone. My son called me frantic numerous times about how crazy everything was. The baby ended up in Neonatal ICU with dehydration. She finally told him if he had any contact with me, she would divorce him and he would never see his child. I had never had any conflict or event with her to set any of this off. Supportive of them as a couple and parents in every possible way. She also isolated him from any family (unless they would turn against me) and all of his friends.
After 7 years of total estrangement - no phone calls, not allowed to see my son or grandchild I went to see my son at his job, for closure. To tell him, if this was what he wanted I would stop all attempts to connect. But he didn't want that and said he wanted a relationship.
We meet with 2 different therapists several times. But each time, DIL stopped him from returning after a few of sessions and would not allow him to do exercises assigned by both therapists with me. Both confirmed my son was in an abusive relationship. My son acknowledged to me that was probably true. I continued therapy on my own with second and she diagnosed my son with Dependent Personality Disorder. My grandson is on medication after having been expelled from 4 schools before he finished 1st grade. It is a really toxic situation.
My son is totally isolated at this point. No friends, not allowed to have any activities anymore (he used to fish, hunt & go to gym). It seems my grandson is isolated as well.DIL wrecked her car 7 months ago & they haven't gotten a new one, even though it was fully insured & money is not an issue. So now he doesn't even have any alone time in his car, which means he can't call me as he occasionally did while commuting from work. She drives him & picks him up (even though she also works & they also have to drop & pick up grandson.
I have mostly detached at this point. Have given up trying to contact my grandson other than cards & small gifts on occasions (never acknowledged).
I send my son an occasional text, which he sometimes answers. He never answers my phone calls & never calls.
Tonight, he called me and asked if I was close by & could I give him a ride. (He lives nearly 3 hours away & had no reason to think I would be in his city.) I was totally caught off guard and told him no, I wasn't close. And asked if he was ok. He said fine & hung up. He did not seem intoxicated in any way. When I texted him after to see if he was ok & got a ride, he never replied. I called and he never answered.
I have spent tons on therapy for myself. Only conclusion seems to be I need to detach. I have mostly detached, with very little contact. But it makes me feel I am abandoning my son. But every interaction is painful. Now I won't sleep tonight wondering why my son called, why he is not responding and if he is safe. ( I do believe his wife is capable of grave harm). Am I being co-dependent? How do I detach when I know my son (& grandson) is suffering and too sick to help himself or his child? Knowing how unhealthy that whole situation is and getting worse?
This is so hard.