Separate Maintenance Mediation in a few weeks

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey BPD Friends- I need some counsel!  I have been separated from my husband for over a year and a half.  He has been diagnosed with Dependent PD with some Borderline traits.  For religious reasons, and to not completely lose my married children and grandchildren, I chose to pursue Separate Maintenance instead of divorce for now.  For those not familiar with this- it's basically a financial divorce.  Filing for SM will also enable me to stay on his medical insurance for the meanwhile- until I figure out benefits for myself.  My question is this- Can anyone give me counsel on mediating with someone with a PD?  I wasn't going to be in the same room with him, but I was counseled, given his dependency, that he would most likely be more compliant if he sees me.  If he doesn't see me, he may prolong the process of mediation- which runs $100 an hour. Any counsel is appreciated!
Thank you-

[Jersey G]

Hey BPD Friends- I need some counsel!  I have been separated from my husband for over a year and a half.  He has been diagnosed with Dependent PD with some Borderline traits.  For religious reasons, and to not completely lose my married children and grandchildren, I chose to pursue Separate Maintenance instead of divorce for now.  For those not familiar with this- it's basically a financial divorce.  Filing for SM will also enable me to stay on his medical insurance for the meanwhile- until I figure out benefits for myself.  My question is this- Can anyone give me counsel on mediating with someone with a PD?  I wasn't going to be in the same room with him, but I was counseled, given his dependency, that he would most likely be more compliant if he sees me.  If he doesn't see me, he may prolong the process of mediation- which runs $100 an hour. Any counsel is appreciated!
Thank you-

[GaGrl]

Jersey G, my advice is to listen to your lawyer's counsrl.

That being said, I would ask...

What have you drilled down on re: being in the same room during mediation? How do YOU react when in his presence -- does it upset you, make it difficult to think (much less breathe?).

What is your intuition telling you?

[mart555]

Did you guys even discuss this in the past?  Chances are it will end up like negotiating with a terrorist.. 

[MeandThee29]

Bill Eddy (an authority on high-conflict divorce) says it's possible if it's structured well.

I've heard horror stories though. You have to have the right mediator.

[livednlearned]

Which of the BPD traits does he exhibit? That may determine some of your mediation strategy going forward.

One strategy is to have three categories for: 1) what you ask for (high); 2) what you actually want (medium). And 3) what you won't stand for (low).

What is your best guess for how he will be in mediation?

[Jersey G]

Thank you for your responses!  For some reason, I didn't see them until tonight.  It's actually perfect timing given my Separate Maintenance proceedings are tomorrow morning at 9:30.  My husband will be there with me for the beginning of the proceedings when the mediator will read the rules of SM.  We will then go to different areas of the courthouse.  At this point, the lawyers will communicate to each other, and I shouldn't have to see my husband.  I so appreciate your prayers! 

In answer to some of your questions, the BPD traits my husband exhibits are huge emotional swings.  He draws tremendous attention to himself thru tears and self-hatred.  People tend to pacify him which only fuels his behavior.  His comments are mainly self-deprecating. He will want to absolve himself of any responsibility by simply saying, "I didn't  mean it."  If he didn't mean his behavior or comments, then he will not allow anyone to express how his behavior or comments affected them.  If they do, that's when the anger shows up.  He greatly struggles with attunement...given his emotional maturity is apparently like an infant.  (Says his doctor)  He operates in base emotions...what he needs or believes he needs is his focus. Again, thank you for praying.