BPD Wife discards, but remains extremely angry -- Why?

[It_seemed_fine]

It has been over two months since I was discarded by my wife. As mentioned in a prior post, this was the eighth (and final for me) time to be kicked out of the house.

Although she initially said she kicked me out because she thought I was cheating on her (I didn't, and even what I had actually done, she had done countless times before) she also sent me what amounted to 47 screenshots of text messaging of other reasons, many of which were contradictory.

She had told her "victim" story to all her friends, our mutual friends, and posted subtle, but not-so-veiled slams against me on Facebook. As her job requires advocacy, you can be sure it was a story that would sell. She even reached out to my friends by text to sell the same story of me victimizing her. Even my friends thought it plausible, at least initially.

I have my theories as to why she is so angry, but I would welcome anyone to weigh in on my thoughts, or add their theories.

• She expected me to come crawling back and give up whatever dignity I might have left to "forgive me" for my imaginary transgressions and take me back.
• Alternately, she may have just wanted me to come back again so she could do a "final discard."
• As I may also have been dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), it may have been that one of her alters discarded me, but another alter did not want that to occur. This is possible, as the day after the 47 screenshots of reasons, she texted "Ugh, how did this happen. This is not at all what I want us to be." etc. etc. But then hours later, she went back into explaining how evil I was.
• A mutual friend that she and I both get along with told me "I think she realizes she dug herself into a hole and is not sure she can climb out of it." referring to kicking  me out and the surrounding circumstances.Whether BPD or not, her over-reaction to the perceived situation was unwarranted.

Regardless of the actual reason, over the past two years she had stated that she might want to be single (for a long and highly unreasonable vacation that her work did not approve) so that she didn't "hurt me, if she wanted to do something that would otherwise harm the relationship."

She had constantly stated that she loved me and our relationship, but that "there are no assurances that this relationship would last forever." Also, there was a lot of astrology, moon phases, and just plain bunk that she bought into that also went into her reasoning.

The way I look at it, she discarded me, and stated reasons why we should not be together. In other words, she articulated almost a pleasure that our relationship was over, and that she could move on with her life. She gave no hesitation or indication that our relationship was repairable in even the slightest.

However, she remained angry. I was told by a mutual friend that "she's not going out. She's sitting in that house just stewing. She is getting more upset by the day." Her coworker echoed those sentiments. "She was always happy one week, angry the next. I got used to it. But I have never seen her angry like she is now. This is a new one, and its kinda scary."

Despite knowing the "no contact" rule, I spoke with her and even met with her. Each time, she was more or less calm and carried on a peaceful discussion. These calls and meetings seemed to calm her down. At no point did I offer or discuss repairing the relationship, rather, I just rationalized with her as to how we reached this point. She was angry that the girl (our mutual friend) had posted two pictures with me (and others) on her page. (she posts 100s of pictures a week) and that her and I "were rubbing her face in it."  On the flip side, she accused me of hiding things from her (and rubbing her face in it) by not posting anything but innocuous pictures of vehicles and landmarks --- every post or non-existing post was a malicious attempt to "rub it in her face."
 
I had unfriended her on Facebook about two weeks prior. Her and I have about 300-400 mutual friends on Facebook, and I can guarantee she had full access through one of them. Nothing I posted, and nothing the girl posted had any purpose of hurting her. In fact, the girl had declined posting a number of pictures specifically to avoid drama. I offered to re-friend her, and she said she would have to think about it.

About a month and three weeks, I met her for dinner. (she had said at one time she would never meet me for dinner, so this alone was interesting). Although the initial conversation from her was spiteful and sarcastic, eventually it had calmed down and we walked back toward her house. We stopped in a bar we frequented so she could have "a cleansing beer"(her indication of last drink for the night). Over the entire time she was with me, she had 2 wines and a beer. I drank iced tea.

When we left the bar, we hugged. Then she broke off, and walked off without saying anything. I went home.

When I got home, I sent her a friend request. It was immediately and instantly accepted. 30 minutes after that, I received about 8 screenshots of texts as to how I was evil, that we were over, and a "Good bye, [my name]"

In the period of an hour, she went from calm, understanding, and willing to maintain some level of decorum and even friendship to a very angry and vile person.

In a way, I wonder if the "no contact" might work better than my periodic (but successful) attempts to stamp down the fire. I am still at a loss as to why she is angry at all, save perhaps the potential that I could have still offered her some narcissistic fuel, or borderline equivalent. 

It is my understanding that borderlines forget about you when they discard you. That is not my experience here. Even as recent as last night, a friend told me that she is still very angry at me.

Any light on why she is angry would be welcome.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear it_seemed_fine -

To my way of thinking and my understanding and deep study of borderline traits, behaviors and the reasons for those, it’s no wonder your ex-wife is angry.  She’s probably also very sad and confused.   Here’s my take - over the last 10 years or so you and your wife have separated 7 times, and this is the 8th.  However this time you decided the separation would be final.  Your W obviously didn’t think this would happen.  And with each prior “break-up”, you had always returned and nothing had obviously changed.  So why wouldn’t you return THIS time?  She doesn’t understand what led up to this, so she’s angry and upset. 

And one of the primary BPD traits is the rapid cycling from warmth and loving happiness to uncontrolled rage.  I’m wondering why you find it surprising that she would send you nasty messages within an hour of being nice to you.

From reading your last posts, you previously were married to a BPD woman.  Following the breakdown of that relationship, did you do much studying to gain an understanding of the disorder, its causes or the communication tools?  These tools are not only effective in improving communication with BPD partners, but with ALL people.  Perhaps take a look at these?  It may help if you truly explain with compassion to your wife why you have left for good.  You can consider writing a letter, not blaming, but containing “I” statements.

Finally, the Facebook thing.  I am NOT a Facebook user.  I think it can cause more harm than good, especially in these situations.  Maybe you take yourself off of Facebook for a while and ask those close to you NOT to post photos of you for a while.  You are VERY recently separated and I assume will be moving toward divorce.  Now is probably not the time to splash your social life around.  There are still feelings involved - hers and yours.  Sometimes it’s wise to sit quietly, feel that pain and heal through it.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[It_seemed_fine]

Thank you for your response, Gemsforeyes. I apparently was unclear as to the underlying facts for my question.

Here’s my take - over the last 10 years or so you and your wife have separated 7 times, and this is the 8th.  However this time you decided the separation would be final.

These were not separations of mutual agreement. I was bluntly (and not politely) "kicked out." I don't think "asked to leave" accurately reflects the situation.  I did, however, make the decision that I would not return, even if offered. To date, there has been no offer or suggestion made to get back together. I think the term being used regarding me would be "discarded."

Your W obviously didn’t think this would happen.

Actually, this discarding definitely had all the hallmarks of finality on her part. She made an extreme effort to clean everything having anything to do with me, including gifts given to her over the years, artwork, etc.

  She doesn’t understand what led up to this, so she’s angry and upset. 

She must understand what led up to it, as she made the call without consulting me at all. I would have preferred counseling, as she had agreed to as a condition of me coming back from time #7. Out of all the reasons she gave for discarding me, the one that resonated best was that I was away during the day for a weekend, so that made her feel "lonely and abandoned."

This of course, ignores the fact that she would go on two week camping trips with her girlfriend, and long weekends out of state for "coaching" and similar classes.
 
She originally said she had been treated for dissociation, but no further clarification of what.  Based on her actions and complete personality changes (and about a ream of printed emails and text screenshots), my therapist speculated that DID may be a factor, and may be where one alter is unaware of the other alters. e.g., "Ugh, how did this happen..."

Could some of the alters be glad to discard, while one or more wished it hadn't happened? I'm afraid that DID is a likely possibility and makes for extremely difficult analysis because of so many "moving parts."

And one of the primary BPD traits is the rapid cycling from warmth and loving happiness to uncontrolled rage.  I’m wondering why you find it surprising that she would send you nasty messages within an hour of being nice to you.

That was my precise experience with my prior wife. This one, however, would rarely get upset (excepting minor passive aggressive statements that I generally ignored), and in her own words, she "turned everything inward." There were relatively few (maybe 3 on 9 years) times where there was any outward signs.

From reading your last posts, you previously were married to a BPD woman.  Following the breakdown of that relationship, did you do much studying to gain an understanding of the disorder, its causes or the communication tools?

Absolutely. And in addition to having my therapist meet with both of us a number of times (I definitely feared the potential of jumping from the frying pan into the fire), I continued with the therapist for at least the first 3 years of our relationship so that I didn't rely solely on what I had learned, but also the expertise of the therapist.  And again, I did not even remotely think I was dealing with BPD, because I was used to the raging of the prior wife as an indicator, which was absent here.

These tools are not only effective in improving communication with BPD partners, but with ALL people.  Perhaps take a look at these?  It may help if you truly explain with compassion to your wife why you have left for good.  You can consider writing a letter, not blaming, but containing “I” statements.

Both of us are professionals that have to daily deal with the public and politicians.  And again, I didn't leave her, she discarded me. It's only that if a window of opportunity opened, I made the decision not to return. I drafted a lengthy document of mutual expectations and  boundaries that we both modified and clarified prior to my return from kickout #7.

And to a great degree, if anything, my compassion toward her has been overwhelming. Although she often projected anger on me, I never really was angry at her (except for why she couldn't see her hypocrisy on how she treated me vs. how she felt I should treat her).

Finally, the Facebook thing.  I am NOT a Facebook user.  I think it can cause more harm than good, especially in these situations. 

Unfortunately, Facebook has become so intertwined with some professional service models that to remove yourself from it, could cause a reputation-based service to crumple, especially when a percentage of your clients are derived from Facebook. In some cases, checking out of FB might be feasible. In my situation, it would likely cause financial issues.

Maybe you take yourself off of Facebook for a while and ask those close to you NOT to post photos of you for a while. 

I did about the next best thing, I continued posting my usual inane pictures, albeit at a much less frequent rate. And I really never did post pictures of myself (other than profile picture), it was mainly vehicles and landscapes. My wife was primarily the one tagging me in photos. When she untagged me and deleted her photos, I lost about 90% of photos from the last 9 years. (FB shares photos from the one that originally posted them, and deletes them from all tagged positions when deleted from that location).

Accordingly, there is very little of her to "scrub" from my pages, as most were deleted when she deleted from her page. I have not removed any remaining pictures of her or her and I.

You are VERY recently separated and I assume will be moving toward divorce.  Now is probably not the time to splash your social life around.  There are still feelings involved - hers and yours.  Sometimes it’s wise to sit quietly, feel that pain and heal through it.

To save discussing the finer legal points, W had commitment phobia (despite marriage being her idea), so our marriage was technically and legally a voidable marriage. As a result, other than factors related to the Mag-Lite divorce case, there are no further issues.

Regardless, I did not splash (nor did I ever) my social life around other than what W posted or tagged me in. I have found my fair share of distractions since I was kicked out, but am certainly not sharing them on social media.

So to her claim that I'm "hiding things" by not posting anything, she is correct. However, her claims are either projection or speculation as she has no way to confirm what I do or who I see.

I truly wish I would have phrased my question more clearly - that she discarded me, and then erased me from her life. She essentially got everything she stated she wanted by doing so. If so, why does she continue to express her anger toward me to mutual friends?

[Gemsforeyes]

People have regrets... they do.  And some people can say, “man... I am so sorry I did that; I was wrong, I should NEVER have ... I didn’t think that one through...please come home and work through this with me.”. 

And some people may “think” they want some shiny new object of desire, do something cruel in the moment, in a moment of anger and stupidity, I don’t know... like maybe throw their wife across the room and into a wall... because SHE said if we have to part, let’s not part as enemies.  That 19-year marriage ends that night, the first and only night of violence.  And 4 months later he calls her mother and asks “why is she leaving me?”   Disassociation?  I have no answer.  I paid the price for what he did.

I did not come to this site because of my ex-H (tho’ now I know I should have, but he was way more NPD than BPD, and cruel).  I came here because of my uBPDbf (a really good human being).

Who knows why or when there will be anger or sadness or relief when a relationship ends?  The thing I DO know about anger is that it knows NOTHING about time.  Nothing at all.  My anger over ex-H and early childhood trauma surged to my surface because of uBPDbf.  My beautiful and scared BPDbf forced me to face myself - he unknowingly gave me an amazing gift.

So my friend, don’t worry about your W’s anger.  It could have nothing to do with you.  If this relationship brings about any unresolved feelings of your own, then take care of those.  But if you’re apart, then your feelings are yours and your wife’s are hers.  In fact, they always were.  As couples, we may share a LOT, but I think it’s rare that we generally share the exact same feelings.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes