My ex bpd in a new ldr

[Carguy]

Hello everyone! I'm new and this is my first post.

Recently my now EX BPD ended it completely with me and is now seeing another man a couple hours away from here. We have been in a three and a half year relationship and the last year and a half has been on and off as the push-pull factor has been going on and on.

 I've been doing a lot of reading on this condition since getting into therapy a few months ago and learning of her condition. I keep running into this site and reading the forums and it looks like this would be a good place for some support and help to get through this.

 Some of the things with this relationship is that even though she ended it with me she told me she still loved me and cared about me and that I am amazing and I've made a huge impact in her life and helped her so much the same day she told me she was going to see this other guy.

Several weeks ago we were supposed to be friends and we started growing closer again like it was more than friendship and then she got upset and pushed me back saying we were supposed to only be friends. She went to a retreat in Oregon a few days later that she went to last year and reconnected with the guy she met there last year. I suspect that she had been lining him up and when it got closer to the time to go to the retreat is when the real devaluation started taking place because she had him lined up.

 With everything I have read I'm sure that it probably won't last. As far as how long it will last that's anyone's guess but with her extreme security issues and trust issues I can't see it working. We only live 20 minutes apart and I would see her on a daily basis and she still suspected me of cheating on her which I could never do. I'm sure that will come into play even worse where there is so much space between them. She would even be upset when I didn't stop by her place when she was having a hard day. There was even a time that she was having a lot of fear and anxiety late one night and have me come over 11:30 at night even though I had my teenage son over for the night. This guy being a couple of hours away and and her times of need on off days which are often because she struggles with co-workers and work as well as her ex I can see it becoming a huge issue.

 She told me when she was ending it completely that she wanted to still stay in contact with my dad if I was okay. I told her that was fine but in my mind I highly doubt my dad will want to remain in contact with her. I'm not even sure if she has his number and he lives in Canada.

My therapist told me that this is her way of being in my life without being a part of my life. I also unexpectedly had a bunch of kittens from some outdoor Mama cats of mine and I'm trying to find good homes for them. The other day after The Break-Up she still wanted me to keep one of them she fell in love with for herself and one for her kids. She can't have pets at her apartment so she wants to keep them here and be able to come see them at times with her kids. Even after she told me about the new guy a few days later she wanted to come see the kittens and then later in the day she told me she was too tired from her trip tha she just got back from the previous day and that we would do it at a different time. I suspect this is also a way to keep me around just in case.

Also when she told me about the new guy she reconnected with I told her that I found out at my high school reunions an old friend of mine was now single so I would just move on and maybe start dating her then. At first she said okay all positive like but later in the conversation she was crying telling me that if things worked out with this other girl she could lose me forever.

 My therapist agreed with me that this is basically her way of keeping me as a security blanket if and when things did not work out with the new guy.

To be honest a huge part of me is still struggling as my heart truly wants her back because I did fall so hard for her because she seemed perfect but everything I have read it sounds like it was just a facade that she made to lure me in on a subconscious level even if it did seem genuine. I do believe that she was honest when she said she loved and cared about me but in her capacity and understanding of love.

She also has an old pickup truck body here that she wanted to build with me that she said she needs to move so it's not weird for my new girlfriend. She also was going to dig up her Grandma's flowers in my flower bed a while back because she's angry with her grandmother who passed on now and angry with her whole family and she told me the other day she would still dig them up so it wasn't a painful reminder for me of her. She says all that yet wants to co-parent kittens?

She also made a bunch of quilts for my family several years ago for Christmas which is still sore spot since my family didn't get her much. She was going to make me one but due to breaking up and being angry and then coming back together it never got done. The other day she told me she wanted to still make it for me or at least pay someone else to make it. But then she was concerned about it being weird for a new girlfriend or painful for me. To me it's like she still wants to hold onto me while she see's where it goes with the new guy because it's a clean slate. I'm struggling because my heart wants her back but my mind knows better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like she will still be in your life peripherally, if not centrally. For that reason, I'm going to move your post to the Bettering board. There you will learn skills which will help you with your communication with her, whether or not you choose to continue to have her in your life.

[Carguy]

Ok thank you!

[once removed]

hi Carguy,

how long have the two of you been broken up for now?

[Carguy]

Just over two weeks today and still struggling with it. A 3 1/2 year relationship where we almost married to now she is with someone else and told me she's moving to his city (2 1/2 hours away) and we can't talk and be friends cause it's to hard because it brings up feelings in her for me she feels guilty about and says it's not right cause she's trying to start a new relationship with this guy.

[once removed]

thats a long time to be together. i can imagine its taking a big toll.

we can't talk and be friends cause it's to hard because it brings up feelings in her for me she feels guilty about and says it's not right cause she's trying to start a new relationship with this guy.

the thing is, if shes in another relationship, it really has to play out. your presence only complicates that...if the two of you are involved, and they break up, shes likely to blame you for that. things need to take a natural course.

does that make sense?

what led to the breakup? did she give any reasoning? 

[Carguy]

It does make sense.

When she told me she wanted to see this other man I ask her if this is what she truly wanted and she said I knew you would ask me that! She sat there for a minute and then finally said yes. I told her I would start dating someone else then. At first she was trying to act like she thought that was great but then later in the conversation she said through tears that if things worked out between this other woman and I she could lose me forever. Then she told me she wanted to look each other in the eyes for a full minute and told me she loves and cares about me.

We have struggles and recycled several times the last few years and I would get frustrated because I didn't understand. It wasn't until a few months ago through a therapist I found out she's BPD. I read and learned a lot and things got better but she doesn't trust me (told me that most of the relationship) and is hurt by the past and do want believe I can be fully open and honest (still don't understand how I wasn't). In the end she said she was seeing where things went with this guy because she doesn't believe I can give myself fully to her.

She has left things at my house and wants me to save these kittens out of a litter I have for her and her kids. Its been pointed out that these are things to keep a connection to me. There are things that lead me to believe if doesn't work out she might contact me again but I'm not completely sure.

[Carguy]

*does not believe I can be fully open and honest