Part 2: step parenting uBPD SD22 with suicidal ideation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337587.0;all

BF is now coming again.

On the positive side, H looked up from texting SD22 and said (as a question), "BF is apparently off on Saturday and can now make it."

He looked so earnest and concerned and a little nervous. So I said, "Help me understand what's going on ... I'm having trouble reading the expression on your face."

Him: "You would like me to ask you, so I want to put it out there before I tell SD22 it's ok."

   

Me: "Thank you. It means a lot to me."

Him: "I'm working late that night and yah, It's definitely better for SD25 if SD22 has BF here. I'll tell them they have to go out for dinner and that SD25 has the whole downstairs and can't be bothered. Are you ok with that?"

I said yes, then said, "It seems like it's hard for you to ask ... Are you worried I will say no?"

Him: "I guess so, yes."

Me: "I understand it's a tough time for SD22 right now and I'm not trying to create obstacles. I want to feel like we both live here, and for SD22 to understand that this is our home, and you and I make decisions together."

He wrote back to SD22, "LnL and I agree it works for BF to stay the night." He added something about how SD25 will be studying, H will be at work, to go out for dinner so the house is quiet.

So, tiny tiny steps.

H didn't consult me about SD22. He did consult me about BF  

I'll take it.

 

[livednlearned]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337587.0;all

BF is now coming again.

On the positive side, H looked up from texting SD22 and said (as a question), "BF is apparently off on Saturday and can now make it."

He looked so earnest and concerned and a little nervous. So I said, "Help me understand what's going on ... I'm having trouble reading the expression on your face."

Him: "You would like me to ask you, so I want to put it out there before I tell SD22 it's ok."

   

Me: "Thank you. It means a lot to me."

Him: "I'm working late that night and yah, It's definitely better for SD25 if SD22 has BF here. I'll tell them they have to go out for dinner and that SD25 has the whole downstairs and can't be bothered. Are you ok with that?"

I said yes, then said, "It seems like it's hard for you to ask ... Are you worried I will say no?"

Him: "I guess so, yes."

Me: "I understand it's a tough time for SD22 right now and I'm not trying to create obstacles. I want to feel like we both live here, and for SD22 to understand that this is our home, and you and I make decisions together."

He wrote back to SD22, "LnL and I agree it works for BF to stay the night." He added something about how SD25 will be studying, H will be at work, to go out for dinner so the house is quiet.

So, tiny tiny steps.

H didn't consult me about SD22. He did consult me about BF  

I'll take it.

 

[wendydarling]

Yay, way to go LnL   LnL and I agree it works   and this is how …. for all the family.

Family collaboration  

[formflier]

Yes..double yes!

I think you need to follow this up with another "hey..that meant a lot to me"...find a time to do it.

Is the "girls weekend away" on?  For studying...

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Family collaboration  

 

I think you need to follow this up with another "hey..that meant a lot to me"...find a time to do it.

Done 

Is the "girls weekend away" on?  For studying...

No ... altho, H is also stepping in more to manage, checking in with SD25 about what she needs, giving SD22 a heads up. So that's not nothing.

As a step parent, I have to tread feather lightly lightly lightly. I build trust by being aware, and will lose that trust if I wade in and solve their problems for them.

Looking at this thread on SI, I see it ends with a small step forward on communication.

We have a long ways to go.

SD22 did not get a job she was excited about, in a town 3 hours from here.

My input to H was, "It seems like you're the primary comforter -- that's a lot of stress for you. What do you think about the full evaluation idea for SD22? That might lead to support groups and a community of people dealing with the same challenges, so she has not only family and a therapist, but also a team of peers."

H said, "I don't even know what a full evaluation would entail."

Me: "Let's figure it out together. I'll see what I can find out." 

So that little engine is put putting ahead. Slower than a walk, but hey. 

Another small win is that I asked H if he had thought about SD22's living arrangements if she doesn't getting a job by fall. She might spend a short period of time here (appropriate) during a transition, but he knows that living here for the year is not an option.

Lots of anxiety when we talk about SD22. 

[formflier]

 
As a step parent, I have to tread feather lightly lightly lightly. I build trust by being aware, and will lose that trust if I wade in and solve their problems for them.
 

How did you "learn" or believe this as an axiom to step parent by?

How does "treading lightly" compare to the "splashing" that your T wants you to do? 

"have to" seems very limiting.  What do you think?

GG

[livednlearned]

How did you "learn" or believe this as an axiom to step parent by?

Trial and error. Also empathy, since I'm a bio parent, too.

How does "treading lightly" compare to the "splashing" that your T wants you to do?

I expressed some stress about feeling the need to *save* SD22 in terms of SI, that the pressure doesn't match with the kind of influence I have, which I perceive as limited.

Her response was supportive, that knowing that there will probably be a big gap between what SD22 needs (full evaluation, support group, intensive therapy, boundaries at home and with H, etc.) and accomplishing those big goals.

The point is to move deliberately and always in the same direction, and to be vocal when necessary instead of trying to blend in with the ostriches in the family 

I guess be more opportunistic and when in doubt, lean toward splashing.

An example from last night: H was trying to soothe SD22 because of her anguish about not getting this one job. She was catastrophizing, and had called 4-5 times, plus lots of texting. H had come home stressed and anxious and feeling frustrated. He wants to soothe her and he wants her to handle things on her own.

I asked him what we could do to create a peaceful evening for ourselves -- we had the house mostly to ourselves. He said, "Let SD22's calls go to voicemail," which he wasn't able to do.

I offered, "Maybe start with something more manageable, like not checking the phone during dinner. Then work your way to not responding to her texts immediately. Start with 5 min. Then 10."

Hearing it like that seemed to make him feel both better and worse. Better because old habits die hard and better to bite things off in small chunks (he knows this from his own work), and worse because he's disappointed that he has a problem with what seems like something so simple. He recognizes he has a problem.

Then during the call (that he didn't really want to take) with SD22, she accused him of not wanting to talk to her. This is where her (quiet) BPD is a bit different than what my ex and brother would do. SD22 is covert with aggression. H is trying to help her learn to deal with intense anxiety and emotion that pushes everyone away, so he recommended she keep a journal and write down how she felt, then let it sit for a day before acting on impulses, like emailing the school personnel too many times over inconsequential things following her interview.

SD22 accused H of suggesting the journal because he doesn't want to talk to her.

Except he was talking to her. He talks to her multiple times a day. He texts her all day long, responding immediately.

H spoke calmly and with some irritation in his voice, "I'm not a T, honey -- the journal is to help you center yourself. I'm not suggesting you journal instead of talking to people. It's simply a suggestion and if it doesn't work then don't do it."

It's painful to hear these conversations.

This one was followed by texting all evening, with SD22 saying, "Now you're mad at me." And H texting, "I'm not mad at you. You're going to get a job, this is stressful for anyone in your situation, let's talk tomorrow."

When H's stress is high from these exchanges, I can either wait until he returns to baseline. Or I can drop a simple comment and hope it sticks and begins to take shape. "It would help SD22 and take some strain off you if she had a support group. Maybe it's time to insist on an evaluation so there is a benchmark."

I don't know what else I would do or say in those moments. Timing seems critical.

[formflier]

But what about SD25s studies?

How is that going to be cared for?  How will YOU influence the entirety of your universe so that EVERYONE will explicitly and implicitly understand that SD25s needs are FIRST! 

Everyone else can self soothe with method of their choice...or not.

Again..not what you should do...what you can do.

Don't dial yourself back before acting...act...evaluate results.  Then potentially dial back for next time.

FF

[Panda39]

I'm not sure how to say this but as a step parent who has just moved in with my new blended family it is a challenge.  Step-parenting and trust building is a slow process and there are a lot of moving parts, a lot of changing dynamics, adding new people into the mix and adjustments.  I've been step-parenting from a distance as we waited for my partner's youngest to graduate High School.  We've been together almost 9 years, we know each other well and even so moving in changes things.

There is change and at the same time there is also the desire to make everyone in the family feel included and get their needs met.  This is a tough adjustment in the best of situations, but Lnl has the added difficulty of SD22's problems along with her DH's enabling.  I understand the treading lightly, when you are trying to create changes and maintain your relationship as a couple, and relationships with both SD as well as creating a new family.

Going in and forcing change with a bunch of people that don't want to change is just going to create conflict.  I agree it is about patience and nudging.  A nudge here, a nudge there.  I think Lnl can be the catalyst for change, she brings the outside perspective and tools that her DH's family don't know.  But maybe the big splash idea isn't what will work, maybe it's little nudges creating ripples.

I think maybe my question is to Lnl are you feeling pressured by the Therapist's comments to do more than what feels right to you given the dynamics of your family situation?  I'm not saying to go along to get along, it's more about how much pressure and change can everyone tolerate at a time (and that includes you).

[formflier]

I

Going in and forcing change with a bunch of people that don't want to change is just going to create conflict. 

I agree it is about patience and nudging. 

 

Yes...conflict...YES.  Open...honest...explicit conflict that can be discussed openly.  Lots of water dripping from people being splashed.

The pattern that I see and that I think the therapist is seeing is that lots of people are "pretending" there is no conflict..no resentment...no (fill in the blank) and that "a small nudge" will do...then everyone will just fall into place and be wonderful.

I'm not suggesting "splashing" should become normal...should be the go to tool or any of that.

I am suggesting that deliberately putting SD25s needs FIRST and letting the rest of the family engage in conflict over that..or not...will shift things and...AND take care of an unusual and limited time need.

Why should conflict show up?  Because it will likely help people become "more honest".

Take the example of hubby who apparently dropped the ball on the accusation "you don't like to talk to me". 

I'm not saying these exact words should be used..but..."You are very perceptive...I don't like talking to you.  I'm hoping we can have a conversation so you can understand my point of view."  (then let the earth shake...glaciers melt...teeth be gnashed...)

The experience in my own personal life is similar.  I used to "try to get along" with my wife's FOO for a long time. 

When I finally started saying no..."conflict" erupted...(glaciers, gnashing, earthquakes...floods...all of that)  They eventually apparently got over it...and I wish I had done it years earlier.

FF

[GaGrl]

I find that I can be much more provocative in seeing if someone is ready to make a significant move by all by probative questions. It takes practice.

One type of question is called "time-shifting" -- you ask a question that puts some in a different time period, past or future, so they can check their perspective on what's going on. In LnL's case, the time shift question(s) that I'm thinking could be effective are...

 "H, if nothing changes with SD22, what amount of time each day do you anticipate you'll spend talking and texting with her in five years? Ten years ? Are you okay with that? If SD22 gets more focused help now, like DBT, what could life look like in five or ten years?"

 I think H is in denial about the amount of energy that SD22 is sucking out of his resources every day. He must be exhausted.

[livednlearned]

Panda, congrats on the big move! Everything you wrote, I can relate to. Step family dynamics definitely take on a life of their own, even when kids move out.

The root of the problem in our home is that SD22 is controlling. I see it, H does not. That means she exerts control through H and I resent that.

SD22 is this kind of controller (from here):

Self-punishers turn the threats inward, threatening what they will do to themselves if they don’t get their way. High drama and an air of crisis, often blamed on the controlled, surround self-punishers who are often excessively needy and dependent. They often enmesh themselves with those around them and struggle with taking responsibility with their own lives. The ultimate threat self-punishers can make is that they will kill themselves.

I do not want to feel controlled, especially in my own home. It's happening by proxy, through H.

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

FF, this is where I think you're coming from. Compliance condones bad behavior. Stamp it out.

I'm on board with that. I think my T was trying to splash water on me. Make sure I understand what is at stake when I repeatedly reward SD22 for bad behavior. I'm there now. Got it.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to be effective without losing momentum. From the same article:

Step One  Don’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react.

I'm doing much better with this one. Learning to navigate the grey area between responding and reacting appears to be an art form. I have lots of options and I'm trying to weigh which ones work best for my nervous system () and for our situation.

Step Two  Let go of your emotional ties to being controlled, at least briefly, and try to be an independent observer. Gather the information you need to construct a wise response - one that is neither enabling nor confrontational. Remember, it's problem resolution, relationship retraining - not a battle. Remember that there are different levels of demands, and know where to be strong and where to be flexible- demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or personal integrity, demands that affect major life directions, and/or demands that are dangerous or illegal.

   

This is the hard part! Step two is a doozy. I have to go between independent observer to wading in. How far and deep do I go? I've thought about options I have for simple things like SD22 staying here.

To H: "SD22 and BF can meet another time, or meet somewhere else."
I could also make an offer like you and Gagrl suggested: "SD25, how about a hotel."
I could say directly to SD22, "Next time, please check with me, too."
I could say directly to BF, "How about take turns, next time SD22 goes to your place."
I can follow up with H, "Hey that remark about me not having two kids was unfair. Here's why. it hurt."
I can outline for H what I will do next time I'm not consulted, "I will tell SD22 that H said it was ok before talking to me and it turns out that weekend doesn't work."
I can say in front of everyone, "Hey, let's talk about schedules and ground rules for visits. I need to be consulted, too. This is my home, and lately my feelings are getting hurt because I'm last to find out what's happening. I want everyone to feel their needs matter. Check in with me to see if timing works before making plans."

I'm trying to gather the information I need to construct wise responses. I believe I'm an asset in SD22's life. I believe H and I both care about SD22 and we have different ideas about how to support her. I am learning to untangle the emotional ties I have to being (feeling) controlled by SD22 through H. What I'm trying to focus on is the relationship re-training piece because deep down it has felt like a battle.

Step Three  Respond in a constructive way.

This is where the grey area is. It helps me be more accountable when I write it out here. I'm more likely to speak out when I see an SD22 move that aggressively gets her needs met at the expense of mine, and others.

Sometimes I'm plain just on my heels.

The last part of the article is about knowing when to involve others. It doesn't mention suicidal ideation, although it probably belongs there.

Honestly, I don't know what else I can do with this piece except persistent well-timed nagging. When I sense H is exasperated with SD22 I say things pointing toward more intensive support from professionals. Evaluation, support groups, DBT, talking to her T, safety plan.

I know how to throw a bomb into our family and make SD22 feel unwelcome here and set firm limits so I'm getting my needs met, and I know how to be in a relationship with open conflict.

I want the alternative where we disarm the controlling maneuvers and focus on SD22 getting real, effective professional support.

Gagrl, I'm intrigued by the future/past suggestion. It has my mind working ...

[formflier]

LnL,

Yes..basically you get the gist of my point of view.  Uh oh...ESTJ judgmental moment coming. 

In my house I'm not afraid to correct a child...correct first, sort out emotions second.  (a wee little caveat that if there are "legitimate" emotional things going on...I'll do emotions first. 

I do not want to feel controlled, especially in my own home. It's happening by proxy, through H.
 

You are only halfway there.  In your home you should control!  Boundaries.

FF

[livednlearned]

A lightbulb went off last night.  

Old way: Don't react to SD22, talk to H instead. Sit back and wait, hope, stew.

New way: Talk to H, then talk to SD22. Do it as close to the moment something happens as possible.

Boom.

I will tell H what I'm feeling or thinking as a courtesy. Then I will handle whatever needs handling directly with SD22, as swiftly as possible.

Last night SD22 parked her car behind mine in the driveway, blocking me in. I felt irritated. I don't know if was intentional or not and it probably doesn't matter. She was upstairs with BF. H was home so I mentioned it to him and he said, "I'll tell her to move it when she comes down. I don't know why she parked there."

The old way, I would expect H to handle this. The longer he took, or the less effective he was, the more agitated I would become. Then there would be additional emotions involved, overly strong for the original situation. I didn't want those additional emotions leaking out so I would dither and ruminate and stew and feel powerless in my own home.

The new way, I share with H what I'm thinking or noticing or intending. Then I handle it.

 

Eventually SD22 came down with BF and I overheard H telling her about HOA rules in our neighborhood, about best places to park, and to move her car so I wouldn't be blocked in.

She said Ok then continued to sit and chat. SD22 procrastinates and is forgetful, plus whatever else. I could feel myself getting irritated. So I paid attention to those feelings and said, "Hey SD22 how about moving your car right now just in case. I'll be up early and would hate to have to wake you up to move it tomorrow morning when you're sleeping."

It worked. SD22 looked at her dad and he made a joke about how she doesn't like to wake up early. She hesitated and seemed to be waiting for H to step in, and when he didn't she grabbed her keys and slammed the door on the way out.

I know it seems like small potatoes but I've been having such a hard time with these kinds of interactions!

Each time I set a new limit or change my behavior, SD22 finds a way to regain control. In the past, she would have a crisis or drama that requires urgent attention when H is at work. I know she's unskilled and is trying to simply get a need met ... my hope is that H sees I am modeling skills that are healthy for our family and that SD22 rises to the occasion.

Thank you to everyone patient enough to keep reading. I really felt the momentum from working it out here. Didn't want to come back here empty handed 

[formflier]

and when he didn't she grabbed her keys and slammed the door on the way out.
 

Not small potatoes...  Good moves.

I like the deliberate looking at old way/new way and comparing those to how you feel.  While other's might not be prioritizing you and your feelings..you are..which has to provide benefits.

Did anyone address the door slamming issue?  What was time of day when that happened?

I wouldn't suggest..suggesting to her that she was mad, I think it's more appropriate to focus on boundaries.  "Please be gentler with door...we're trying to make things last longer around here"  (something like that)

If it's later in the evening.."we try not to disturb others".

How did she seem when she came inside?

FF

[worriedStepmom]

It always helps me when I take back some of my power, and it sounds like that is helping you, too.

You and H are equal partners in the house, therefore it stands to reason that you should be able to express basic expectations to SD22 without having to go through H.  This will hopefully have the added benefit that you aren't nagging him as much about more trivial things, so maybe he'll listen to the bigger stuff.  Maybe it will also show the rest of the family that he doesn't have to be SD22's gatekeeper, either.

It still concerns me that H isn't willing to address the SI, but I have zero advice for you.

[livednlearned]

I didn't address the door.

I was too busy celebrating.  

My T said this stuff is like building muscle. Lots of repetitions, listen to your body  

Last night SD22 was submissive with me.

I had a few other moments where I listened to my signals then made corrections. It's been way easier to do this stuff when there's no emotional build up.

Some more advice from T about addressing SD22's suicidal ideation and getting a plan for eval and safety plan in place. She thinks I should say, "Current T does not diagnose people she has not met. Even so, without me suggesting it, she said even if half of what I describe is not true, SD22 presents with textbook borderline personality disorder."

And to have names of someone who he can talk to (information gathering) about what a thorough evaluation looks like. To emphasize that the diagnostic process will focus on her strengths and evaluate how to harness those strengths so that she's successful.

If she is also on the spectrum, there are some wonderful upsides to that -- it means she will be more likely to adhere to rules and embrace systematic ways of doing things.

Putt putting forward...

[GaGrl]

I love the analogy to building muscle, because to take it a step further, eventually you create muscle memory and don't have to consciously think about what you are doing! Yay!

[livednlearned]

I built some more muscle today.

Nothing involving heavy weights, all relatively easy light stuff.

Gagrl, I'm going for full muscle memory  

[formflier]

OK..I'll go with the gym training thing.

And there seem to be two valid methods of building muscle.

Doing lots of lighter repetition with good stretching and all that.

or

Lots of warm up, then do heaving lifting where your muscles feel tired and you need a day or two recovery before lifting heavy again.

Knowing LnL and the advice bpdfamily generally gives..I'm going to suggest focusing more on the first.

The second one might be more for a super firm boundary or when/if LnL does some splashing on SI (even if her hubby says no).

So...what does lighter weight..higher repetition look like?  What does "warm up" look like?

Did SD25 get good studying done?  Any feedback yet on SD22 getting a job?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

The lighter reps works for the small stuff. Before, doing things the old way, I was getting frustrated.

I have to be super candid about the SI, something I went over with my therapist. I will work on creating a safety plan for SD22. I cannot prevent her from hurting herself.

Right now, the plan is to suggest to H: set up an appt with SD22's T to gather information. Not to discuss SD22's confidential issues but to help inform H about what he can do better. Let SD22 know. Then do it. I can push on making it happen.

I can find out what a full evaluation entails -- how good ones focus on strengths and build on them. Discuss privacy and diagnoses so H understands that SD22 can make informed choices.

SD22 received feedback from one interview that she has good answers and the right training and experience. They passed over her because she came across awkward and notably anxious in the interview, and they were concerned that she would have problems dealing with some of the behavioral issues that can go with special ed students.

They encouraged her to apply for an instructional aide position at the same school that according to SD22 pays close to what she would get as a new teacher. We never know if SD22 interprets things accurately but she seemed to handle the feedback better than expected.

SD25 did study, though she postponed her practice exam. She put on noise-canceling headphones and kept to herself as best she could. As a recovering codependent, I'm glad I didn't offer her to stay in a hotel at my expense  She is 25 and resourceful and I'm trying to get out of the rescuing business. Altho it's always an option for myself 

If SD22 gets the IA job in her college town, she will remain 6 hours away with regular visits to meet BF at our house.

Next time he arrives I'm going to let him know directly that he's welcome here and I'm glad we can accommodate SD22 and BF's relationship. And that it's appropriate to arrive after SD22 gets here, not before. If he gets here early and sees her car isn't here, there's a library down the road, coffee shops, etc. where he can wait. She can text when she arrives and he can be here in 10 minutes.

He is on the spectrum and if he's anything like my son, he will appreciate the concrete instructions and follow them.

It will be the first time I go directly to BF with something so there's a good chance some feather ruffling will occur.

[GaGrl]

I think you have to have that conversation with BF. If she takes the IA job (which would be a good idea), she can't leave for your house until after school lets out on Friday, so...3:30PM plus six hours gets her to your house at 9:3O PM. And do you really want to entertain BF every Friday evening? I think not.

[formflier]

Hey..."rescuing" SD25 from others dysfunction is really a bit strong use of that term.

As a parent/parental figure (one with knowledge of dysfunction and relationship building)...I would have thought making a move on that was part of relationship building/splashing water...rather than rescuing.

Basically..there is a dynamic that need to shift.  Kids should be equal..which means for a while it will "feel" like SD25 is being put "first".  Even if she was being put first...she should be.  Shift dynamics.

I like the suggestions about meeting with T.  When are you going to do that?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

It might be a semantics things, FF. Or a nuance that isn't coming across in text.

Paying money for a hotel so SD25 is protected from her sister because H can't say no is overstepping. By overstepping, I mean doing something for SD25 that she can do for herself. That she didn't ask for.

Saying to SD22, Hey I think your dad mentioned SD25 needs quiet. Let's give her 6 hours to be here alone. I'm heading out, you guys go grab something to eat, go to a movie, go for a walk, check out the art gallery, etc.

That's not overstepping. That's setting limits in my house that SD25 might not feel she can set herself.

SD25 booked a hotel the night before her exams 2 weeks away because her test starts early and she wants to get a good night's rest, no distractions.

She's resourceful  

[livednlearned]

I like the suggestions about meeting with T.  When are you going to do that?

An actual appointment probably can't happen until August, unfortunately. Travel schedules and whatnot.

I'll be traveling for a bit in the next week then H is away (I requested that SD22 not be here during our 2-day overlap, as well as my time here and SD25 in the last throes of studying and that plan is in place  ), then we go away together.

7 whole days where there will be many many hours to talk about our favorite topic  

[formflier]

It might be a semantics things, FF. Or a nuance that isn't coming across in text.

Paying money for a hotel so SD25 is protected from her sister because H can't say no is overstepping. By overstepping, I mean doing something for SD25 that she can do for herself. That she didn't ask for.
 

I think we are on the same page..I understand where you are coming from.  Much of my "push" and  "liking" the idea of you stepping forward for SD25 and doing a hotel was to create "splash"...and "make  a statement with actions instead of words".

That would "flip" the situation and have him "chasing" you for answers (potentially...or he may just not notice).

Essentially I was for the idea or something like it to change a dynamic that seems stuck...in a big way with a splash. 

Note:  I completely agree with your analysis of her being resourceful and all that...  I would also want to add that you have lots more wisdom and sometimes moves such as the hotel idea are helpful...and not "overstepping". 

Clarity:  I do see steps being taken in the right direction..even ones that don't perfectly fit for you (so you are pushing yourself). 

Please don't take any of my comments or other ideas as criticism...

Keep up the good work...you are creating a new path!   

FF

[livednlearned]

No criticism taken 

I appreciate the push. My T describes her approach as sledgehammer in therapy and recognizes that sometimes glue gun and staples is how it works on the ground.

In all of this, I want to support H. For the first time in my life, both childhood and adulthood, I am with someone who has my back and vice versa. That is the backbone to everything.

I am constantly moving forward, gathering information, building muscle, looking for opportunities, laying groundwork, however you want to phrase it.

The goal is to focus on the bigger safety plan and be prepared. It feels like how I prepared for my divorce. Goal-oriented, strategic, tactful, persistent, and prepared for the worst.

She arrives tonight after seeing BF in his town for the night.

We won't overlap again until August.

I predict she will blow up H's phone while we're on vacation in a few weeks. My ask will be that he sets up a time to call/text/talk. Let her know he'll be in the wilderness and cell reception isn't great, and to let her T know that she may need more support while he's gone.

Onward!

[livednlearned]

SD22's emotions are full tilt and some of it came my way.

I was gone for a week, then came home and H left for a short trip, so he's traveling. SD25 is studying for her exams and SD22 is back at her place, six hours away. So success setting that boundary  

H was exasperated yesterday, saying that SD22 is blowing up his phone, texting, that he needs a break, he wants her to just leave him alone, she's anxious and then gets mad at him when he tries to support her. I notice he becomes more fed up with her when I am gone. I came home and asked how things were going with SD22 and he said, I spent all week talking about SD22 with SD22. I'd really like to not talk about SD22 if that's ok."



Today, H is away and I get a text from SD22:

Hey LnL. At the risk of upsetting you, I wanted to ask you about something. Are you still upset after all this time about a concern I once brought up that BF had that's long been resolved? I know you took it the wrong way at first. And it seemed like after that you didn't like me anymore or want to have a relationship with me. Which was confusing. Because for a while before you and my dad got married we had a nice relationship and may have even been close. But when I brought up some of that from the past last time I was there it almost seemed to make you mad. How we went to your church once together. It would be nice if we could be on good terms, especially since you're technically part of the same family now. It's been bothering me for a while but we never talked about it so I couldn't be sure I was interpreting things correctly. And you have seemed to get mad at me in the past if I want to talk to you one on one about some sort of concern or thing to work out or clarify. That's also why I texted you. Because I had a feeling if I tried to talk to you in person, it might be upsetting and difficult to talk to you privately. Now you may ignore my text. You typically don't answer texts or calls. But I thought I'd try."

Meanwhile I talk briefly to H and ask him, "Have you heard from SD22 today?"

He says yes, "She asked me if I wanted to hear a joke. I'm glad she's doing ok -- the past week has been rough."

So with H she is joking around, and with me she's wondering if I'm mad?

My T says SD22 lives in a state of perpetual splitting, I guess meaning that she assumes in all relationships people are constantly in a state of discord or conflict. Maybe she doesn't think I would check in with H? I said to H, "SD22 thinks I'm mad at her."

His response, "SD22 thinks everyone is mad at her."

Then he gave me some suggestions that were trending on the codependent side of things, and then he shrugged it off. "This is why people push her away. It's too much work."

Meanwhile, SD25 told me that she talked to SD22 about their mom being BPD a while ago, and suspects SD22 may know that she is BPD herself. Because: Internet.

I don't know what I'm looking for here.

Validation?

I have been much better at setting boundaries and I suspect that is why SD22 feels I am mad at her. When in fact it is getting easier to be around her because of the boundaries.

Also, I don't know all that she's referring to in the text. SD25 asked to read it and said, "That's SD22. Something happened one time six years ago that you've long forgotten."

I noticed SD22 texted me when she knew H wasn't here.

And will probably resume blowing up H's phone when we travel.

I may ask H to set up a time each day that he talks to her, and try to stick to it so that it's at least a vacation for one of us  

[formflier]

So...how did you respond to the text?

Where are we at on moving forward with SI work?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

My response to her:

Not at all! We're good (thumbs up emoji).

Still stuck on pause with the SI stuff.

[formflier]

What if you and hubby worked to "take texting away from her"...at least as far as you and he go?

She can wait and talk in person about this stuff.

"This sounds important to you.  Let's talk in person next time you are in town."

How is her job search going?

I don't disagree with your response.  Trying to consider alternate paths forward.

I suppose by explicitly answering her the idea that emotional things are appropriate for text was validated/promoted.  Very likely a generational thing here about how "we" look at text.

Best,

FF