Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:59:23 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: disordered relationship issues and (life) becoming eclipsed by them  (Read 382 times)
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« on: July 07, 2019, 07:55:42 PM »

Did anyone ever feel that the rest of life became overshadowed by these relationship turmoils and experiences?

I just do not feel I would have got on the path to getting better until I altered course by having to take this out of what seemed for a long time, centre stage.

Impossible when I was in the relationship, going no contact was the start of breathing space, let alone contemplating. Therapy is not easy to do under the circumstances I was in, it is hard to make sense of much of anything when you are in a soup of; depression, anxieties, stress, sleep deprivation.

It is only as I have got a grip on these things, tackled them systematically and this has involved what felt like temporary shelving the issue, the questions of what happened with my ex, what is this disorder? etc, the ruminations. Maybe I just started to get angry at this by itself, the opportunity cost involved, had I not already neglected others in my life, if not the rest; other hopes, dreams, wishes for fulfillment and traded it with being stuck in a state of what felt forever ongoing, never resolving emotionally painful thought processes.

I guess im sharing a different sort of problem that I never expected to encounter. Ive moved on, I feel a renewed sense of strength, emotional resilence but in some ways it is overwhelming in itself. I came across a woman who left an abusive marriage, she told me the first thing she did was go out and buy pizza for her and the kids, the very next day. In the years together she had been controlled to the extent of even what to eat. It sounds sociopathic, I felt like crying, but I could not help but relate a similar theme. It troubles me that I got to an experience in life that I can relate, have empathy, even if the fine details are different; the abuse took different forms. It took me long enough to even identify elements as abuse and to use the word.

It has been a year and a half since I went no contact, i mostly stuck by it. Maybe it is a milestone of sorts that I ever got to this stage, the first one was "you kept your sanity" and if that was the only one, I would have still been grateful. Ive since passed others and I guess the unexpected difficulty here is re-adapting myself to a life I once had and seems slowly returning. It feels a bit like a friend who told me that when they retired they found themselves all of a sudden, lost, it takes time to adapt to a different way of life.

I really dont know how to express it other than how I feel today if anyone can relate, the contrast is the feeling that since I met her, the world felt it had stopped on its axis, time became obscured and it did not start to jolt along again until I left, slowly getting more traction even post NC, out of sight was one hurdle, out of mind took awhile too.

the ruminations are rare and simply to diffuse, I just go out, interrupt them, go and connect with family members, friends, work and the more I build and connect, the easier it gets, the less they resurface, it is hard to comprehend today just how important all of this once was, compared to what it became. im not in denial, but I am a bit lost. Hoping someone who has either gone through this or knows what it is, can help me make sense of it.
Logged
gizmo7247
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2019, 11:04:42 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

I can't relate exactly, but I can relate to some of what you've said. I'm only six months out - not a year and a half out as you are. I think because all of my energy, focus and emotions was centered on her - and whatever latest theatrics or drama she was unfolding - that I lost touch with other parts of my life during the four years. So in a way, those four years seem to be all about her - not about the rest of my life.

I also think, for me at least, between hiding what was going on (so family and friends wouldn't judge her) and constantly being pulled to her when she "needed" me, my relationships with family and friends suffered during the four years. So it's like this 4 year dark spot (or eclipse as your refer to it), in my life.

I've certainly had problems reconditioning myself to things I loved before I met her. I wrote about this on another thread, but I used to love photography. I didn't have time for it with her - but I've recently started taking it up again. It's weird, it's like relearning to love something I used to.

I don't know if this is the same feeling you're describing?

For me, and this is something I picked up from these boards, I want to grow from the abuse and trauma...not "survive" it. A lot of my recent focus has been on what can I learn from it, what can my acceptance of the abuse teach me about myself, and honestly...now that I'm free from the abuse and turmoil...what do I want out of life?

I don't know, hopefully my thoughts aren't completely off base from what you're conveying?
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2019, 03:01:08 PM »

Hi Gizmo

What you say matches up with what im meaning here. I think it is part of the issue about actually getting better and finding joy in life, it is strange in a way to find it unusual, what was once just something I took for granted.

I have not really reconnected, it has been a form of bulldoze and start again. The reason is that even stuff like my music interests, I could not listen to because she had appropiated them for herself, associations made, same goes for a lot of other things, even so far as friendships, anyone or anything was up for being taken over as her own. I see this now as linked to a disorder, ive researched enough to conclude that there is enough information out there, even if I find the theories a bit outlandish, elaborate, often hard to grasp and still have skepticism. It has been enough to get to the point where I could move on from this rather than just my laypersons theory; that I had spent 3 years with an attention seeking ar%ehole. Even though that theory/hunch is a strong one by itself. I wanted to move on regardless, concious of how much time of my life was being used up. I see the post relationship recovery as more than just that - as you do, but it took time to shake off the victim mindset, I think there was a place and time for that too.

It has helped to interact and co-help members here, as much to get advice and hope from those who have been through it and to see those who have came here distraught, dust themselves off, and work towards a different path. It is hard to tell someone who suffers resulting deep depression, anxieties to start making friends, do stuff that gives joy, new hobbies if not reconnect with old ones, but my experience here is that it helps even just to try, do as much as possible, for me it cumulatively added up in terms of where I started off. It is why I used eclipsed rather than wasted, the reason is taking pragmatic steps that give tangible results. In short, I wanted to do all I could, as best I could, to not allow it to become categorised as such.

Even if all I had left was a list of illnesses to deal with, when I went no contact. At least they were mine, and I could do something about. This was preferential and a good starting point to deviate away from concerning myself about her. My long term goal is to look back and see her as nothing more than a historical character that came and went and what she did never got carried onwards. No "walking nightmare" accolade, or anything special, something like a "nuisance" at best. Part of achieving this is by making it so. Which means more along the lines of what you are doing gizmo - reconnect with joy and grow from it, rather than see it as simply surviving a calamity.

I am grateful to all those who have likewise given their time to help me. Part of not going back for the last recycle was the relationships I have built here, they are significant to me, it would have felt just wrong in otherways to have continued on after I got to a stage of enough mental clarity that my choice to go back is rooted in recklessness rather than ignorance.   
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2019, 04:38:34 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

It's about 7 years out for me, and sometimes I still ponder the past.  It seems like a dream, like another life.  At times I can still remember the pain acutely, but other times it feels like I'm remembering another life from the third-person and shaking my head at all of the utterly crazy things I went through, and the kids went through, knowing that there was probably more that went on that I didn't even know about.

I have a younger friend/family-member that is going through an awful time with his wife.  She really puts him through hell.  And I see him and how he responds, and I think to myself... watch out... watch out or this will become your badge, your identity, and some day when it is over, you'll still be tempted to make it your badge and identity.  When you become the life-raft, the one a dependent person depends on for stabilizing their insanity, time essentially does stand still... or at least your life does... because your entire existence becomes inextricably wrapped up in them... which is how they want it and which is, at the time, the only way we know how to survive.
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2019, 04:42:41 PM »

I guess what I'm saying is... I remember this.  On one hand, I would grieve how much of myself was spent (seemingly wasted) in being this person's life-support system, but on the other hand, how to live, now?  What do you do when you basically had two full-time jobs -one in whatever profession we have and the other in revolving around another person and their endless need and lashing out?  What do you do when that became your identity?  Well, you need to find another one.  It's like we're freed from captivity, but captivity was so familiar and comfortable, in a bizarre way, that stepping out into the light and standing on our own two feet in the world is new territory.  So I both remember this and, in a way, still go through something like this, though maybe its because I'm now older and thinking about what I really want to be when I grow up... you know, to really make an impact on people's lives ;).

That's where my nickname comes from.  It is similar to the Exodus story in the Bible.  The bonds of slavery are broken, we are even led out, but being free is so foreign we don't even know what to do or how to feel about it sometimes.
Logged
gizmo7247
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2019, 11:39:03 PM »

Cromwell -

Here's a little piece of what I experience that's similar to what you're saying. I've always loved comic book movies - and over our four year relationship she came to love them to. We'd go see everyone when it came out in the movie theater, honestly some of our best memories were seeing movies. Like when we saw Suicide Squad, and she was so enamored with the automated reclining chair that she kept raising it and lowering it...over and over. We both laughed so hard. It was this magical moment. Movies were one of our things I guess.

We split in January. I'd seen Avengers end game part 1 with her at the movies. I still haven't seen Avengers End Game part 2. I haven't gone and seen the new Spiderman movie (even though Spiderman is my favorite character.)

I get anxiety even thinking of going to the movies, let alone a comic movie. And part of me is so angry because that was something I loved before her, and it's as if she stole it from me. Another part of me thinks about her taking some new guy out to those movies, without even a thought of me. And another part of me hates myself for letting her steal that from me, for still having that control over me.

I try to remember that I'm still healing though - and that in time I'll be able to go back. Of course, the catch 22 is that until I go back, with others, and build new memories around going to the movies - I'll always be stuck in this place, afraid to approach it for the first time without her and the memories I'm certain it will spark.

That's just one tiny piece of a hundred different pieces of my life that she invaded and took as her own, and took away from me.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 03:23:14 PM »

Both of you thanks for writing, sharing your thoughts.
At times I can still remember the pain acutely, but other times it feels like I'm remembering another life from the third-person
Hi OutofEgypt and Gizmo thanks both for sharing.

OutofEgypt, whilst I was with her during the relationship I was distracted enough by each day of ongoing activities that these memories we talk about now were not recalled. The actual experience of emotional hurt really peaked when I took the decisive step to end the relationship and go no contact. So with her gone, there was this expectation that I just had to wait a short while and normal life would return by itself. I had based this on previous relationships, but what I had mistaken or screened out was the significance of these stockpiled memories accumulated that had never been properly resolved. It was like a dam bursting, the first month of no contact was overwhelming and for this reason. The way I dealt with it is to get out a label maker machine and when each event was recalled, id label it as best I could, then the next and so on. Whatever fitted best, whatever would stem that overwhelming feeling, it is like going from room to room in an emergency triage, it was a stage that would then need to be revisited, because these labels just did that: temporary allay the hurt, they did not cure them.

To take an example based on your association here; "it was crazy". I could have and have used that one, the issue is the definition and what are we really applying it to - was the relationship involving 2 people, entirely crazy? is that sufficient? Dig a bit deeper - what is being missed out. What is being missed out is a significant question to ask because we selectively screen out of conciousness in daily life, there is always stuff 'missed' out, we cannot take the entire picture. Leading to Gizmo and these episodic memories that you say have a form of causality, meaning the ability of the past to bring about effect to today and the future. I ask to consider viewing this a different way, in my own revelations it is actually the converse way of thinking that these hurtful events that appear disjointed are not so, the way we declare "the happy times" demarcated from "the hurtful ones" and it is these hurtful ones that are causing emotional pain. This again has been a result of the screening process to fit our definitions, here is of an exploiter who has robbed you. But what has been missed out is losing sight that happy and unhappy go together as much as these are not events but are connected to one another. So the solace I find today is based on recognition that it is not the past that affects the present, it is the present that affects the past. What I mean by this, when we speak of these memories they appear to eminate from the past but they really are not, they are conjured up in our mind in the present and we process them, choose to accept the label that was attached and it is this pivot point which influences the emotional response.

This is not about denying those thoughts, it is not about lying to ourselves, it is acknowledging the wholeness of the interconnected nature of the relationship as a whole, rather than to focus and label the whole based on segmented events even if it 'appears' they fit a pattern. To see a pattern is to not see the rest of what happened. This is what I refer to as screening.

The same applies to my bracketing of (life), life itself is up to definition, but what it is is a continual progression not fragmented events that sit next to one another. There is flow between which might appear to be a subtle thing except it is actually hugely significant to acknowledge the interconnectivity. If we refer to our partners as being crazy, remember this was a relationship, a convergence. If we consider ourselves as order that converged in a relationship with disorder, this coming together is a synthesis of both. For crazy cannot exist without sane and via versa, so to label a thing as being only one of the two is to exclude the other. Both were in interplay, at all times, for its entire duration.

Take for example how I feel during some days - generally in order but certain interactions I leave feeling "you are unravelling a bit today, feel a bit flaky" - yet this reflection is a result of a relationship with another that gets me to identify it. Can I be considered crazy if there is not another person that ever witnesses it? As much as if a tree falls in the wood, did it happen if no-one has ever heard or seen it?

When I label my ex as a nuisance in the relationship, it is because I am labelling it according to the noise she brought into my life, picked up my sensory nervous system. Yet a lot of my hardship has been categorising those nuisance events - first as events disjointed from the rest of it all (she was more than "crazy" and more than "nuisance" it is just my choice to screen the rest out) the suffering comes from a belief in the causality of those old events having power over the present. Meditation has guided me to be able to choose to accept a thought but not label it (for me this has been a source of new knowledge) that I have this option, to not pass judgement on a thought. acknowledging the difference between events and activities and seeing activities not events, that are things that happen along a linear progression called life, it is not disjointed by (traumatic events) or other events but connected. The good times non detachable from the bad. The crazy not disconnected from the sane. A connection between a Yekyll and Hyde, not two seperate states that appear in isolation. More a "Yekyll-hyde connected to us" complementary to us as ying and yang for as long as the relationship exists, for better or worse, the interconnection is something I had to face up to. Sure I can call her whatever but it has to be relative it has to be in a context.I dont like labels like caretaker, if i was to say "I was a caretaker" it has to be in context otherwise it is leaving something out. Explicity I appear as a caretaker, just giving to anothers needs, implicitly there is more going on. It appears antagonistic on the surface, it appears crazy, but was it really. It held together for years, is that not evidence itself in a sense of order interwoven with disorder?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!