Grieving ancillary relationships

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi folks,
Really experiencing a lot of deep personal pain and grief right now.  (Backstory - 15 months out from a divorce after 21 year marriage (27 year relationship) to an uBPH.  He experienced a psychotic breakdown and I endured a terrifying 3 week 24/7 rampage of raging culminating in an unforgivable and degrading act of domestic violence toward me.  He dumped me and 5 weeks later proclaimed himself "in love" with a 28 year old he just met that weekend (she's long gone).  He's addicted to pot and other drugs and can't hold down employment.  I, of course, was to blame for everything, including issues in his childhood that predate me. His smear campaign was simply soul-destroyingly vicious in nature and based on absolute lies).
This is the week of an annual vacation that I would typically be spending with 17 in-laws and my ex and son.  This is the first time in 25 years that I will not be attending this vacation.  I deserved an Oscar today for the way I acted nonchalantly in front my son as I helped him pack for it.  It hurts so much to be excluded this week from this family vacation.  I'm not a native of this county so not only did I lose my marriage but I lost 17 family members most of whom meant the world to me.  I came from a tough dysfunctional FOO and I felt like my ex's family were an answer to a prayer - a dream family that I longed for my entire life. For 25 years, I celebrated being included in such a terrific and fun family unit and I thanked my stars almost weekly.
They let me down so badly around the divorce and the dysfunction of the parents and one sibling in particular was laid bare.  The circled the wagons and turned on me in the blink of an eye.  I have never, ever given them any cause to believe that I was capable of the abuse that my ex falsely claimed I subjected him to.  I was a good if completely codependent wife and I know I was an exceptionally good daughter-in-law, sister-in-law and aunt to all.  They say they will miss me but it was breathtaking how quickly they turned on me and even all this time out since the divorce - it hurts deep down to the bone.  The level of betrayal that I have experienced not only from my ex and his family members is so crushing particularly during times of vacations and holidays.  I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas alone and it looks like this will be the case this year too.  I have absolutely fantastic friends but they have their own families to take care of and be with at these times.   
My FOO is half a world away - my Mom now has dementia.  I haven't had contact with one brother who lives on an entirely separate continent for over 20 years.  My other brother can't be bothered.  The dysfunction was such that we were pitted against each other as children and we never really were able to establish strong adult bonds with each other.  Living on 3 different continents didn't help either.
I do not miss my exBPDh at all.  I miss his family.  I can't help but wonder what on earth I did to deserve this?  I feel like I spend my whole life centered around fostering my role as wife, daughter-in-law, in-law and it was all torpedoed in three weeks through what I perceive as very little fault of my own.
I'm trying so hard to be strong and pick up the pieces and move on but today is just one of those days where I just feel the unfairness of it all so much.
Thanks for listening.  This is the only place where I feel like someone has an inkling of the level of pain and grief that I'm going through.
Warmly,
B

[Baglady]

Hi folks,
Really experiencing a lot of deep personal pain and grief right now.  (Backstory - 15 months out from a divorce after 21 year marriage (27 year relationship) to an uBPH.  He experienced a psychotic breakdown and I endured a terrifying 3 week 24/7 rampage of raging culminating in an unforgivable and degrading act of domestic violence toward me.  He dumped me and 5 weeks later proclaimed himself "in love" with a 28 year old he just met that weekend (she's long gone).  He's addicted to pot and other drugs and can't hold down employment.  I, of course, was to blame for everything, including issues in his childhood that predate me. His smear campaign was simply soul-destroyingly vicious in nature and based on absolute lies).
This is the week of an annual vacation that I would typically be spending with 17 in-laws and my ex and son.  This is the first time in 25 years that I will not be attending this vacation.  I deserved an Oscar today for the way I acted nonchalantly in front my son as I helped him pack for it.  It hurts so much to be excluded this week from this family vacation.  I'm not a native of this county so not only did I lose my marriage but I lost 17 family members most of whom meant the world to me.  I came from a tough dysfunctional FOO and I felt like my ex's family were an answer to a prayer - a dream family that I longed for my entire life. For 25 years, I celebrated being included in such a terrific and fun family unit and I thanked my stars almost weekly.
They let me down so badly around the divorce and the dysfunction of the parents and one sibling in particular was laid bare.  The circled the wagons and turned on me in the blink of an eye.  I have never, ever given them any cause to believe that I was capable of the abuse that my ex falsely claimed I subjected him to.  I was a good if completely codependent wife and I know I was an exceptionally good daughter-in-law, sister-in-law and aunt to all.  They say they will miss me but it was breathtaking how quickly they turned on me and even all this time out since the divorce - it hurts deep down to the bone.  The level of betrayal that I have experienced not only from my ex and his family members is so crushing particularly during times of vacations and holidays.  I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas alone and it looks like this will be the case this year too.  I have absolutely fantastic friends but they have their own families to take care of and be with at these times.   
My FOO is half a world away - my Mom now has dementia.  I haven't had contact with one brother who lives on an entirely separate continent for over 20 years.  My other brother can't be bothered.  The dysfunction was such that we were pitted against each other as children and we never really were able to establish strong adult bonds with each other.  Living on 3 different continents didn't help either.
I do not miss my exBPDh at all.  I miss his family.  I can't help but wonder what on earth I did to deserve this?  I feel like I spend my whole life centered around fostering my role as wife, daughter-in-law, in-law and it was all torpedoed in three weeks through what I perceive as very little fault of my own.
I'm trying so hard to be strong and pick up the pieces and move on but today is just one of those days where I just feel the unfairness of it all so much.
Thanks for listening.  This is the only place where I feel like someone has an inkling of the level of pain and grief that I'm going through.
Warmly,
B

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, Baglady.     It’s an unfortunate example of that old adage of blood being thicker than water.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Baglady, that hurts for sure   You lost a lot.

It can be hard to have a good relationship with the in-laws after a divorce, especially when there's emotional dysregulation thrown into the mix. When my 'non' ex-husband (not my ex-dBPDh) divorced me after 10 years together, I felt like l lost my own family as I was so close to his big family. It was really hard.

I can't help but wonder what on earth I did to deserve this?  I feel like I spend my whole life centered around fostering my role as wife, daughter-in-law, in-law and it was all torpedoed in three weeks through what I perceive as very little fault of my own.

Very likely you did nothing wrong and certainly nothing to deserve this. It's probably a case of his truth being very different than the reality, and that family sticks together. I'm so sorry, I know it hurts to be set aside.

[Baglady]

Thanks so, so much for the kind words Scarlet and Cat!
I am feeling a little stronger today.  Some days are just tougher than others. I keep putting one foot in front of the other trying to move forward but I find it exhausting at times.  Grieving the lost of 17 relationships on top of my decades long marriage is crushingly exhausting.  I'm at a crossroads.  After my tough FOO experience, I really invested 100% of my time and energy in establishing good relationships with my in-laws.  I truly felt like the world was giving me a do-over and I was so darn grateful.  It feels like all that emotional effort was for nothing.  At my age, it's so hard to think about starting over again and I just have limited trust and gas in the tank for a whole new go-around.
So strange, in hindsight, I honestly think I tolerated a lot of my eBPDh's behaviors for so long simply because I think subconsciously on some level believed it was the price I had to pay to "gain entry" into the family.  All for naught. 
Life is strange. 
Warmly,
B

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad to hear you feel a little stronger today. It will probably go up and down for a while.

We're with you, right where you are.

[Zen606]

Hi Baglady.

Your family-in-law experience reminds me of my present one. Relationship issues with my friend -- not a bpd person -- of 14 years, a relationship I feel I should end, yet very attached to his family and now there is a little niece I adore, she and I have formed a strong bond. I maintain limited contact with my immediate family because they are toxic to me, I had a borderline mother and a flying monkey dad, now a flying monkey younger brother. I do have relationships with extended family members. But being a Hispanic woman that has rejected her mother I am marginalized by much of my family for this.

My dilemma in leaving the relationship is not wanting to lose his family and the niece. I do not doubt however, for a minute, that his family would turn their back on me if I leave him. That is the nature of the tribe.

In the meantime what I am doing is working through my own original trauma and the behaviors/responses I developed because of the trauma, behaviors that keep me stuck. I have an excellent therapist, have been seeing her for the past 2 years. I plan on continuing my work with her. I also discovered Kris Godinez "We need to Talk" on You Tube, she is a licensed counselor who appears to be an expert on dysfunctional relationships with narcissists and borderlines, etc. She tells it like it is and provides resources. When I begin to respond in the old tape ways, I watch Kris, and it does the trick, my awareness re-surfaces and I feel empowered, back on my road to recovery. I am fortunate that I have never lived with my fiend of 14 years. Have an independent life from him.

You will be OK but you need to work on you. Please watch Kris, she is awesome!

Zen606
 

[Baglady]

Thanks for the great tip Zen,

I just viewed a couple of Kris G. videos and they were just the ticket to help get me out of my slump.  I like how she cuts through the B.S. and tells it like it is. I needed a good dose of common sense advice to see that what I'm really grieving is not my exBPDh's family itself so much as the idea/fantasy of a family of in-laws that I thought I had instead of a group of disparate individuals some of whom are definitely dysfunctional and others less so.  It is hard to give up on those good people/good relationships who invariably are part and parcel of remaining connected to a person who is personality disordered.  However, it is just better for my overall sanity to move forward with my life and gather my own tribe of emotionally healthy people.
Warmly,
B

[Zen606]

Hi B,
So glad you watched her. I feel the same way, when I start letting my inner child dictate how things are going to go or let the old tapes do the same, I do the same thing. Put on Kris and so soon I am going forward again. The other night I watched her show on addiction, called "August 20, 2017, Show on Addiction" Its 1hour, 1 minute and 49 seconds. I was blown away. Just what I am working on, I am a love addict, I discovered this in therapy. Her show took me further into this issue. My perspective has really changed since that night. Interesting how you can think and do something and think nothing of it, then BANG! reality is right in front of you and you can't really hide.

Kris has a live show on YouTube where you can ask questions. She also has a internet site and  blog.

You go!
Zen