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Author Topic: I'm guessing she will see a psychiatrist  (Read 282 times)
Longterm
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« on: July 03, 2019, 03:21:53 PM »

The first part of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337604.0

Just a quick update.

My daughter had a letter come through today for an appointment the end of the month at a local mental health hospital. What happened to 2-14 days I dunno but she is very keen to go and that's the important thing. I'm guessing she will see a psychiatrist and I offered to go along which she accepted.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 03:28:09 PM by Harri, Reason: split and titled part 2 » Logged

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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2019, 03:57:30 AM »

LT, that is good news, your DD received the letter today for her appointment at your local mental health hospital. Ugh, timings, longer than you were told, kind of par for the course  It was an 8 week wait for DD back in 2015 to see a psychiatrist for the assessment and diagnosis. It is great to hear your DD is keen. How's she coping this week?

Thanks LT, yes it was your 14yr son I was trying to place.

I hear you, you are exhausted, one hours sleep! Are there regular core hours you protect for sleep during the day? Got to look after No1 first!

Your son did well to share his feelings, his truth with the Dr what's been happening. Wishing you guys fun at the gym, look forward to hearing how it goes. Did I pick up your son is in counselling?

Yikes LT, how come DD has access to your bank account? You are right it is stealing, money is earned. Are you planning to put a stop and close the account or change access rights? I didn't quite understand the transferring of money.

Hope you have a good day.

WDx
« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 08:28:15 AM by wendydarling » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2019, 07:46:50 AM »

Hi Wendy.

It was an 8 week wait for DD back in 2015 to see a psychiatrist for the assessment and diagnosis. It is great to hear your DD is keen. How's she coping this week? 

Wow! 8 weeks? Suddenly I feel a bit better about my daughter's wait time. Well I have spoke to her a bit but I get the feeling she is avoiding me, I know why, it's because she's in self destruct mode. I know she's doing drugs and what not and I know there is very little I can do about it. She will tell me she's fine etc but then disappear for days.

Are there regular core hours you protect for sleep during the day? Got to look after No1 first!

Yes I have regular hours. My sleep has been all over the place just lately though, but I know it will get better.

Did I pick up your son is in counselling? 

Yes, he's been in counselling quite some time. His mom stopped taking him last year stating she couldn't afford to take him, I was livid and when he moved to nan's I had more contact so I rearranged it for him.

Yikes LT, how come DD has access to your bank account? You are right it is stealing, money is earned. Are you planning to put a stop and close the account or change access rights? I didn't quite understand the transferring of money.

You tell me? She has more than likely got my card from my wallet and used it to pay for things online, it's happened before. She did it again last night although I emptied that account it still allowed her to make a purchase and left me overdrawn. I am quite angry at her right now but I have frozen online transactions now. What I meant was I emptied the account thinking she would not be able to make purchases. I was wrong.

I hope you have a good day too
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« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2019, 05:36:52 PM »

Whoops, I fell off the radar.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

How are you and DD doing LT?

I forgot how easy it is to fraudulently order online, no pin number required. Are you going to order a new card and keep it safe?

Hang in there for the upcoming appointment. Got my fingers crossed it is life changing for your young DD.  

WDx
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« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2019, 08:59:58 PM »

Hi Wendy.

How are you and DD doing LT? 

I think she's calmed down a bit? She has returned home and is having a bit of a "What have I been doing" moment.

We were chatting a lot tonight about BPD and she has disclosed that she sees all 9 traits in herself (I may have mentioned this before). She is determined to get herself on track to face these issues and has made steps the past few days to get back to a better place. Her recent behaviour has shocked her and I can see that by talking to her. Luckily there has been no self harming and she has ceased the drug use. On top of this she has also enrolled today in education that she will be starting on Monday. I'm a very happy bunny right now. I have been praising her for her efforts but more so that she recognises her dysfunctional behaviour, that's huge right?

She will be out the house mon-thurs next week so I'm going to do her a packed lunch etc and keep pushing her. She's not a bad girl, she's just never had a mom, I can't make up for that, but I can try.

Thankfully all is calm right now and she is still very open to go to her appointment and I have told her that I will go with her to any and all treatments offered which she is happy about.
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« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2019, 09:01:28 PM »

Forgot about the card .

Yes, I've ordered a new one and we have set out a payment plan for her to pay me back.
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2019, 06:53:02 AM »

LT

I'd be a very happy bunny too.   What kind of course has she signed up for?

Excerpt
She has returned home and is having a bit of a "What have I been doing" moment.
That made me smile, very relatable. You must be a proud Dad, she can be open and honest with you, you are doing great LT. My DD comes away from our chats, takes the next step forward.  

Yep, that is HUGE that she recognises her disorder and she's determined to help herself. Sounds like she's been online to research, identifying with 9 traits. Does she ever mention where she gains information from, what she's read, or you've read?

Excerpt
Yes, I've ordered a new one and we have set out a payment plan for her to pay me back.
Cool  

What does your DD do to self care, self sooth?

Hope you have fishing time this weekend.

WDx
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2019, 09:05:13 AM »

Hi Wendy.

What kind of course has she signed up for.

She is looking to start an apprenticeship but needs to improve on her maths so is trying to level that up.

Does she ever mention where she gains information from, what she's read, or you've read? 

When me and her mom split she began her own search for answers and sent me a link one night to an article called "unloving mothers". She is very intuitive and told me many times that she thinks her mom is PD. I kept very tight lipped and never disclosed to anybody that I believe my ex to be BPD, many now believe she is PD. My daughter began connecting the dots and said that she has many traits but believed as I did that being around her mom makes her act all kinds of crazy. The 14mths or so away from her mom did her the world of good and she showed no signs of BPD. But when the ex came back she has displayed alarming behaviour that has shocked her and we both believe her mom to be a trigger for her. This has made her (and me) come to the conclusion that there is something wrong and she is determined to fix it. There is a long history of broken mother/daughter relationships on her mom's side of the family and I have told her she has the opportunity right now to end this cycle, she wants this too and has said she does not want children until she's much older as she is petrified that she will repeat history. I could talk about this subject for hours

What does your DD do to self care, self sooth?

She has always enjoyed art, I encourage her to sit and draw etc when she is upset. She finds this along with music to be very therapeutic, I can actually tell what mood she's in by what music she is listening to. She has drawn some great pictures, my youngest to enjoys art and he drew me a lovely pic for father's day, I have it pinned above my desk.

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« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2019, 06:17:09 PM »

Hi LT

Excerpt
She is looking to start an apprenticeship but needs to improve on her maths so is trying to level that up.
good for your DD   goals help.

Excerpt
When me and her mom split she began her own search for answers and sent me a link one night to an article called "unloving mothers". She is very intuitive and told me many times that she thinks her mom is PD. I kept very tight lipped and never disclosed to anybody that I believe my ex to be BPD, many now believe she is PD. My daughter began connecting the dots and said that she has many traits but believed as I did that being around her mom makes her act all kinds of crazy. The 14mths or so away from her mom did her the world of good and she showed no signs of BPD. But when the ex came back she has displayed alarming behaviour that has shocked her and we both believe her mom to be a trigger for her. This has made her (and me) come to the conclusion that there is something wrong and she is determined to fix it. There is a long history of broken mother/daughter relationships on her mom's side of the family and I have told her she has the opportunity right now to end this cycle, she wants this too and has said she does not want children until she's much older as she is petrified that she will repeat history. I could talk about this subject for hours
Go for it! We are listening   Your DD is certainly intuitive, so very self aware. That is brave to send you the link. Continue supporting her learning about the disorder and her share with you, help her to be open with others if that is what she wants in time. It was a real game changer for us LT.  Check out Blaise Aguirre MD, my DD found it helpful to relate to a professional, who helped her make sense, provided context, gave her hope. A mentor from afar. Have you read the articles on The Mighty, there is also a twitter DBT chat Sunday evening (probably to soon for your DD).

Excerpt
has said she does not want children until she's much older as she is petrified that she will repeat history.
   Hard stuff, so true. My DD similarly said, I'm setting aside romantic relationships till I've sorted myself out, she's thrown herself into herself, to loving and putting herself first.

Excerpt
She has always enjoyed art, I encourage her to sit and draw etc when she is upset. She finds this along with music to be very therapeutic, I can actually tell what mood she's in by what music she is listening to. She has drawn some great pictures, my youngest to enjoys art and he drew me a lovely pic for father's day, I have it pinned above my desk.
   such a great way to express feelings, my DD is artistic too and finds much comfort. She was a big reader, more recently an audio book listener, she says it helps her keep focused and calm, listening. Think about all our senses. LT does your DD have a self care box at hand in her bedroom?

Gently does it.

WDx
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« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2019, 09:02:00 PM »

Hi again Wendy.

Go for it! We are listening

I have just sat with my son for around 2hrs, he's having trouble sleeping again so I am in the mood for a good waffle

The mother/daughter relationships on my exes side of the family are not very good, to my knowledge this goes back at least 4 generations. Nan (exes mom) had a difficult relationship with her mother who I also knew. She favoured her sons, one in particular, nan was always very hurt by this and claimed she never felt loved by her mother, that she was just there and an inconvenience. She was very close to her dad but struggled throughout her life to have a meaningful bond to her mom, this remained until her mother's death. She told me that she promised herself that she would never favour any of her own children, this is not what happened though. My ex and her sister claimed that they never heard their mom tell them she loved them. Their brother on the other hand is the proverbial mommy's boy. He can do no wrong but is so far from perfect it's untrue. Nan also favours my son out of all her grandchildren, she denies this and I have seen her become angry when others have pointed it out. Nan only had my ex because grandad wanted another child, he was very close to my ex and she felt like nan paid very little attention to her. My ex has pointed this out to her mother and again I've seen anger displayed, words like "you were fed and and clothed weren't you?". My exes  relationship with her mom in general is good but it is a relationship based on helplessness. I will try and explain. I think my ex has to play victim to her mother to get the emotional response she craves. When we were kids my ex would always be pretending to be Ill to get attention from her mom, she would pretend to have stomach pains etc and would forever be having days off school and be on the sofa with a duvet. He mom would bring her drinks/food etc but as soon as I got there she would be up and dressed and out. This still continues to this day with my ex often playing victim to get her mom to provide for her with money/babysitting etc and her mom always gives in, it's like my ex found a niche and exploited it in order to get the feeling her mom cares?
This is relevant to my daughter because looking back I think this in part happened to her.
When she was born my ex had very little to do with her, I literally did mostly everything. She had PND so this definitely did not help but still, there was never really a bond, it never got better. Looking back I think the issues with my daughter started around 3yrs old. She began to cut off her hair, she did it for years and years and even did it as recently as last year. Her mom would obviously shout at her etc but still, she kept doing it, did my daughter find her niche to gain attention? Is this classed as self harming? My ex has always hated my relationship with my daughter, a good example of this is when we moved out my ex said "Now you've got your precious dad all to yourself". She hates my relationship with all the kids actually. During our "relationship" She would often force me (not bluntly) to choose between her and my daughter. I felt that to a large degree I did side with my ex, not just with my daughter but the other kids too. I feel incredibly ashamed to say that and I have huge regrets looking back as I felt I could have protected them more and to varying degrees, i failed them. I have said this to them and apologised although they have said they hold nothing against me and for a large part don't seem to understand what I'm going on about. I think they just don't want to hurt my feelings but these are my crosses to bare and I know I should of stuck up for them more. The "relationship" I feel was all about the exes thoughts/feelings/emotions on any given day and I was preoccupied on keeping her happy. I deviated a bit there but I'm just making the point that I'm not here to BS and avoid the part I played, it haunts me and I will always feel it.
My ex and daughter have often shouted at one another and I have witnessed several physical fights. My daughter just does not feel wanted/loved/cared for. I have to agree. Many times I have witnessed her attempt to have a conversation with her mother when she is just completely ignoring her and then say "are you even listening to me?" She would get a reply such as "I don't give a toss about your ****, I wish you would just **** off and go away". I could literally go on.
I would say around the age of 11 she began cutting and it became a regular thing. Her relationships with friends became strained and she would sabotage them, find it funny but then become depressed, cut herself and hate herself. Many nights I have sat on her bed and talked to her about these issues. Tried to encourage her to build rather than destroy. She still struggles with this and has few friends. She often talks about past broken relationships like she cannot let them go. I think this is due to the fact that deep down she knows full well that she was the cause of the breakdowns. I'm sure I spoke about this before but I tried for many years to "fix" my exes and daughters relationship. I vowed last year to Give up on this, it's not mine to fix, and truth be told, I'm unable to fix it.
I spoke to my ex about this when she came back and she told me she hates my daughter and is extremely angry at her because she represents her having to give her life up at a young age. This made me angry and I told her it was HER choice to have a child and this is not my daughter's fault. She hated it when I spoke out in my daughter's defence. How can she blame that on her child? What this has done to my daughter I now see as very detrimental, it has broken her and given her many issues.
I see myself these days as someone who is very broken and I come from a family of very abused men (another library I could write and I'm sure I have mentioned some in other posts). These 2 factors right there (me and ex) has led us to form a very unique and damaging union that has without intention damaged our children. The fact that my daughter wishes to seek help and refrain from having children right now makes me extremely proud. The cycle may yet continue, who knows? But I will do my best to prevent it and help the kids as they continue to grow and come to terms with what has happened.

 Check out Blaise Aguirre MD, my DD found it helpful to relate to a professional, who helped her make sense, provided context, gave her hope. A mentor from afar. Have you read the articles on The Mighty, there is also a twitter DBT chat Sunday evening (probably to soon for your DD). 

I will be sure to check these out 

 LT does your DD have a self care box at hand in her bedroom? 

Do you mean like art equipment to use when she's feeling down? If so she has plenty of supplies, I've been telling her for a while (ex too) to not destroy, but instead create.

Sorry for waffling on but you did encourage it

Thank you Wendy 
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2019, 10:02:48 PM »

LT-
Your history here shows great insight and awareness. You seems to have a very good understanding of some specifics that led to your DD’s struggles. If this is truly a bio-psycho-social disease then your story points to the possible genetic piece and certainly the social/environmental piece.

I’m curious about the BPD research on repairing the attachment that never properly formed between a parent and child. I’ve mentioned before, my DD was adopted as an orphan and there is a high probability of international adoptees having R.A.D. I’ve read that this can morph into BPD.
I’ve wondered if other than DBT, is there evidence that trying to repair the broken attachment can create new neural pathways?  I truly believe my DD came to us highly dysregulated as a 2 yr old. Thinking out loud here.

Thanks for sharing your story. Keep up the loving support of your DD’s progress.



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« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2019, 06:52:28 AM »

Hi Peacemom.

You seems to have a very good understanding of some specifics that led to your DD’s struggles.

Not just my daughter's struggles but the other children and also myself. I wouldn't say I hate myself, that is simply not true, but I have a real inability to think about my own needs and wants and this has also played it's part. I have lived for 20yrs thinking that my ex is the centre of the universe, this has inadvertently rubbed off on the children, they too seek love/approval from somebody who is unable to give it, they have their own trauma bonds. You could say she is their mother and they should expect love/approval, but at the same time if I was more together I would have removed them from the situation a long time ago. It is that "hope" I have read about and can relate to so much. It all stems back to my childhood and the abuse I suffered at the hands of she who shall not be named (another story). There was cheating before any kids were born, why did I allow this to happen? Therapy cannot come soon enough, so so much to explore and talk about.

I’m curious about the BPD research on repairing the attachment that never properly formed between a parent and child.

That's very interesting what you wrote, the first thing that came to mind is is it even possible? The resentment in the middle will surely always be there? Was is R.A.D Peacemom? You have me intrigued.

I truly believe my DD came to us highly dysregulated as a 2 yr old. Thinking out loud here. 

I have heard this in a lot of stories. The damage is done before the child is adopted by early trauma. Think out loud 


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