Well, that’s a new one

[HopinAndPrayin]

After a week traveling internationally with my elderly uBPD mom and NPD father, who seems to be at early Alz, we ended the trip with my exiting the relationship.

On the last day of the trip, after being harassed and abused all week, I started the conversation with both parents with a few simple statements:
- relationships exist to the extent that they meet the needs of both people
- the relationship I have with you does not meet my needs
- there is no love, connection, or caring
- in the absence of that caring, there is a lot of reliance on obligation
- I have spent years trying to resolve the conflict between the narrative you have about who your daughter is and who I actually am
- we haven’t made any progress resolving the conflict between that and you don’t seem to be able to see me for who I actually am
- I don’t see a path forward from here and think we need to end the relationship

The precipitating event? My mother became convinced I was going to kick her out of the car and leave her for dead in a field.  We had been in a hotel room. I had and have never threatened her safety.  My dad, ever her co-conspirator, retold the issue as - your mother believes you were going to murder her.  MURDER. That’s the word he used.

I had two three-hour “conversations” with her during the week and she seemed absolutely determined to go through all the “false memories” I had and believed if I would abandon my grasp on reality and accept hers, everything would work out. During the first conversation, I realized our views of the world, our relationship, and my core identity were entirely incompatible. It was during the second recitation of wrongs that I had to circle back to how broken the dynamic was. The “murder” comment was the last straw. Eventually, someone would believe the retelling and I don’t care enough for either of them anymore to endanger myself.

The day after, I found out my parents had been trash talking me to the entire family with renewed vigor since they came out last Christmas. I had set boundaries when they were visiting and told them I would not accept abuse in my own home and they could return when they could respect me and the rules of my home. They stayed away for 3 days, while traveling to another city with my sister. Upon their return, they apologized. I’ve since found out they’ve forgotten all of the apology and trying to mend fences.  They did immediately after the visit ask my other sibling to take over their POA and as executor of their estate.

I’m left on the one hand truly hopeful about a life without them in it, exiting on my own terms and with my dignity in hand felt right and like self-respect, not defiance.  On the other hand, I feel manipulated and taken advantage of (I paid for their flights at Christmas and for this vacation) and somewhat humiliated that they removed me as POA and executor without any discussion. I know this is just more of their toxicity, but the whole of the week was just shocking in how quickly the abuse and insanity came back. This time, I had done enough work with a therapist and enough self-validation that I could observe the insanity and gracefully exit, without getting arrested for a capital crime.

[Turkish]

The “murder” comment was the last straw. Eventually, someone would believe the retelling and I don’t care enough for either of them anymore to endanger myself.

When my mother started making what were accusations of legal elder abuse, I realized I was about done. Kidnapping and stealing her truck (which I had gifted her), and stealing her money have nothing on atrempted murder. That's insane!

What's your safety plan going forward?

[HopinAndPrayin]

Turkish, I am so sorry you had similar accusations thrown at you. It’s heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time.

I’m not entirely sure yet on what I will need to keep myself safe. Aside from NC, I am still working through how to address with extended family and how to continue relationships independently with them.

I exited a relationship with a sibling years ago and the way I went about it was to tell the family I had chosen to end the relationship for my own reasons. I shared that it should not interfere with their relationship with this sibling. I did not trash them or discuss them in any way. I did however ask that they not share details of the sibling’s life with me out of respect for my sibling’s privacy. Aside from my mother screaming at me that I had broken her family, it seemed well received by others.

Any suggestions on how to manage or create safety plans would be appreciated. Will also work with my T this week on it.

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear how badly you are being treated by your parents. It is understandable that you would love to have a healthy relationship with them, and it is not possible considering how they turn you into the enemy when you do not go along with how they mistreat you. I come from a family where the scapegoating and mistreatment has existed for generations. My personal experience is you can't be honest with these people and you have to do what it takes to protect yourself and keep your sanity, whether it is low contact or no contact. Whatever you decide, it will always hurt to be mistreated and devalued by your family, though with time you can become less negatively affected by their behaviors whether or not you have any contact with them.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Thanks, Zachira.

I’ve spent my life as the scapegoat, so it’s nothing new. It’s the level they now seem willing to go to that is. There is part of me that thinks it may be that my dad is starting to fail and my mom feels threatened. She says she married him for money and stability, then became a full dependent on him. As his health fails, she seems to be ramping up her playing victim and seems to be trying to cast me in the role of tormentor. My dad does still play his role of rescuer to her, but he is one of those nasty, angry people who as Alz progresses has started offending everyone. It’s full Karpman, but doesn’t seem to consider what happens after my father is no longer well enough to rescue her.

Having read up on splitting and getting painted black here really helped understand it intellectually, but I don’t know that in my heart I will ever truly understand it. It often feels like trying to understand an alternate universe.

[zachira]

You feel like your parents are from an alternative universe. They seem to want the opposite for you for what a loving parent would want for their child.You have done enough therapy that you were able to observe the interactions and were not so overwhelmed like in the past. I too have found going to therapy and being present key to being able to not becoming so overwhelmed by the latest round of mean behaviors. Glad to hear you will be working with your therapist on a safety plan. We are here to support you and help you go forward. There are many people who post on this site who are/have been in similar family situations to yours, and I have found their replies to posts and individual threads very helpful. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[madeline7]

Your remarks about trying to understand an alternate universe rang true for me as well. And when I try to explain my BPD family member and situation to others, they see if from a "normal or typical" universe, the reality we are living in, and cannot understand. It's like we have a glimpse into this alternate universe which does not make sense to us. Sounds like you are able to see things from your healthy perspective and are taking steps in the right direction for you.

[LeneLu]

HopinandPrayin,

Your statements resonate so strongly with me.  I wish I had the clarity and courage to say such things to my BPDs.  I am curious about the statement "in the absence of that caring, there is a lot of reliance on obligation". Whose sense of obligation do you mean?  The BPD uses obligation to manipulate you (which my BPD definitely does)? Or, you don't really "care" for (not by your own choice, of course) your BPD in the purest sense of the word, so your overtures are motivated by obligation (like agreeing to pay for your parents' trip)?  Or both?

Your statements about seeing you for who you really are hit home too.  I say to my Hubs all the time, "it is like my BPDs don't even know me."  They assign all sorts of intentions to my behaviors that are so far afield that it is shocking...I guess like being told you are going to "murder" someone. 

I love this forum and the vulnerability that can be shared because it is anonymous.  But sometimes I really want to see/meet you people so I can give you a giant HUG!

[HopinAndPrayin]

Madeline7, it’s funny you should mention sharing with others. I’ve had 2 appointments with my T this week. I was just saying it’s challenging talking with friends about my parents because in any other context, what actually happens sounds outlandish and implausible. “Traveled with my parents, was accused of making my mother fearful of being murdered by me. You know, the usual.  How was your weekend?” So hard. My T was talking about what a violation it is to have a mother who had no regard for my experience of life. She started talking about mothers are supposed to be loving, nurturing, caring. My only response was, “I will have to take your word for it, as I never experienced that.” It is like hearing about other alternate universes. Living in a world where you matter to your parents and are loved and respected - totally foreign. I am starting to create that with my chosen family but don’t have a template for it. Strange world.

LeneLu, I found it easiest to communicate with my parents by removing the actors from the sentences. An example of this is there was milk in the kitchen, rather than you brought milk and put it in the kitchen. When there was an actor and action in the statement, it seemed to be interpreted as blaming even in totally neutral situations. Similarly, when I spoke of obligation, it was a nod to the difference between relationships, which operate on affection, vs (dysfunctional) transactions, which tend to operate on fear, obligation, and guilt in the absence of affection. Obligation was the most neutral word I could use. Fear or guilt would have resulted in insult and argument.

I personally have a rule that I don’t give more than I am willing to walk away from. When it came to this trip, I had anticipated it might be the end. I also knew my parents would start a smear campaign afterwards. I decided to pay for their flights and hotels so that if they try to smear me with the extended family, I have evidence that I wasn’t profiting from them, leaving them stranded, putting them in the poor house, in fact I was generous and kind to them, even taking my mom to urgent care for her UTI. This may be controversial, but given the 40 odd years of scapegoating I endured, I have no issue with being over exculpatory when extended family members are recruited as flying monkeys to do my parents bidding. If they see the facts and evidence and are still willing to try to blast me, they go in the LC/NC bucket. To quote Roger Murtaugh, “I’m too old for this.”

[LeneLu]

Yes, I love this language.  Transaction is exactly what I feel every interaction is (or was) between me and my bpdsis.  It is objectively measurable and she gets to place a value on what I did for her vs. what she did for me.  And, inevitably, her gestures are always WAY more "valuable" than mine.  It really speaks to the respect that she doesn't have for me.  I had observed this pattern for years, but never really knew what it meant for me until recently.  The sad part is that I never "gave" with the expectation of getting the same or more back.  

I have relinquished a substantial piece of property that would be passed down to me and my sis for similar reasons that you site. Primarily, I don't want to fight with her over it (literally, I can't stomach it) and it means something to me to be able to say it and back it up with action.  I know how it is going to end (like you) and my values just won't allow it.

I like the way you de-personalize your statements.  That is very good advice that I wish I could tattoo on myself somewhere.

I am finding that the more people I share this part of my life with, the more I meet that have the same (unidentified) syndrome in their lives.  I am happy to share with them that it is a "thing", it is not just in their heads and it is NOT them.  If there is a silver lining in all of this, that would be it.