Time perception in BPD

[MiaP]

Hello everyone 

My ex-partner is uBPD and shows NPD traits as well.

It’s been a long way since he first left me in 2016. We have a daughter together and my stepdaughter also stayed with me after her father left. For more background info, this is my last post here, a few months ago: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333220.msg13029628#msg13029628

I’ve been trying to extricate myself from his life, to reduce contact between us to a minimum for a long time. One of my worst fears was that he would show up at my place of work. I did everything I could to avoid that but eventually, the day came when he showed up and started calling me to the office. The situation escalated and after 3 days of this I eventually went to the police to file a complaint.

Since then, I’ve changed my phone number, blocked him in social media, I only contact him by email on children related issues. I’ve seen him a few times on exchanges but have tried as much as possible to do it in public places. Seemed to be going well, so I tried to attend a school party where he was present and it just appalled me how his speech was exactly the same as always, as if no time had passed and nothing had happened in between. I had realised before that his time perception is different but I’m not sure whether it just takes him longer to realise things or if he will just never be able to move on?

I have moved on, I have started dating, I need to and want to live my life but strongly fear his reaction to this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mia, I have experienced a similar time lapse issue with my BPDxW.  I separated from her nine years ago and we are now divorced, yet she has yet to move on with her life and continues to be fixated on me, at least according to mutual friends who I've seen in connection with business matters.  They relate that she keeps talking about me, even though they are sick of hearing the same old things!  It's weird.  I've grown and have had healthy relationships in the aftermath of our marriage.  I have no interest in anything other than LC with my Ex, as it relates to our children, yet she remains in this odd twilight zone with unresolved anger towards me.  She can't let it go, which I find sad.

It's her problem, not mine, so I continue to maintain boundaries.

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

His attachment is different.  

What do you fear, like he'll sabotage a r/s due to his fears and anxiety?

[MiaP]

Hi Lucky Jim,

the situation you describe is very similar to what's been going on, the inability to accept the end of the r/s and the strange fixation on me.

Turkish,
I fear that he'll use the children to "punish" me. Also, he tends to be very aggressive and confrontational and I fear that he'll react that way towards me or my new partner when he finds I'm in a new r/s.

His attachment is different. 

You mean it's not really a matter of time? It's a matter of him attaching to someone else maybe?

[Turkish]

He's stuck, you aren't. 

My ex was still madly attached to a previous bf who left her, and she briefly had a bf in between him and me.  She was stuck while he had clearly moved on. 

[Cromwell]

Im sorry to hear that you live with this anxiety, I think you have done everything reasonable and sensible to protect yourself. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing in cutting off all sources of contact that maybe if I left something such as email, it would be like giving a pressure relief valve rather than what she would do if she had no way of contacting me. The end result is that she visited my house twice and I just kept the door closed, she shouted (im sure she was drunk each time) and that was all that resulted. She did not appear at work but the context here is that it as a high security building you cannot get in without an invite first and obtaining a card, so, I know it sounds sad, my workplace became more of a place of sanctuary for a long time than my own home...

I can only suggest to not put into his mind any idea that if he tries long enough or hard enough, eventually you will respond, it is a situation where remaining firm and getting to the stage where he is forced to accept a sense of defeatism in his behaviour that despite what he wants to do, it simply will not have a result.

[MiaP]

Cromwell,

I hadn't thought of the email as pressure relief valve, but thinking of it maybe it does act that way. He has sent me several emails saying how much he misses me and so on, sometimes he even sends the same email twice on diferent days. I only reply to emails regarding actual information on the children or something related to them that needs to be sorted.

I can only suggest to not put into his mind any idea that if he tries long enough or hard enough, eventually you will respond, it is a situation where remaining firm and getting to the stage where he is forced to accept a sense of defeatism in his behaviour that despite what he wants to do, it simply will not have a result.

I will continue trying to keep a consistent response, just hope that alcohol never gets in the equation because he gets out of control when he drinks.

She did not appear at work but the context here is that it as a high security building you cannot get in without an invite first and obtaining a card, so, I know it sounds sad, my workplace became more of a place of sanctuary for a long time than my own home...

It doesn't sound sad, it's good that you had a place where, at least for a few hours, you could feel safe. I remember being in my car, alone in traffic, and thinking I really didn't mind being stuck in traffic because, at least during those moments of the day, he didn't know where I was. It sure is hard living with this kind of anxiety. Can I ask what was the time span of this and did she just eventually stop?

[Cromwell]

Hi MiaP

The time span, hard to recall precisely but it was about 3 months after NC she turned up at my new address (I went no contact and then moved away), and then about 6 months after that first visit, she turned up on her birthday, in both cases I just ignored her. In terms of if she has been stalking me, I would have no idea, but I made it as difficult as possible to contact me at all so I never got any dysregulated rooted communication, threats, pleading, possessiveness talk, etc. I bore no witness to the assorted bag of tricks she used during the relationship and besides the anxiety of not knowing what to expect, it turned out more or less uneventful detachment, I have peace today and indifference even if she still finds it necessary to 'watch from afar', I have no way of knowing, but the anxiety about it is gone, it took time, those action steps, boundaries (more like a fort) plus moat, I wanted to heal and recuperate and therapy for me was not possible whilst living under seige. The behaviours in itself, just did more to cement in my mind the increase in disappointment I had and made it easier to deal with any weak moments of "did I really do the right thing?" thoughts arising. She 'abandoned-herself', in my narrative of events.