Still learning...need help and support.

[survivor82]

Hello everyone.  My wife was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago.  We have three children under the age of 10.  She struggles with classic BPD symptoms and severe anxiety.  She used to self medicate (for years) with alcohol, she has been sober for 2.5 years now - we both quit drinking.  While that has improved (dramatically) many of the struggles in our marriage, it has also unmasked a TON of her BPD symptoms.  My latest concern is that she was prescribed ADHD medicine, which can literally make her BPD symptoms dissappear...while she is taking it, but because it's a controlled substance, she tends to take more than she should and we fight about that.

• She rages about the messy house
• She rages about being tired
• She rages about not having enough money
• She rages about me mentioning her medicine (taking less)
• She splits me constantly...best husband/worst husband
• She breaks down into tears for no apparent reason because she can't stand the way she feels in her body.
• That is usually followed by RAGE towards me for not comforting her like I should.  (I'm honestly just burnt out and have fatigue towards her mentally and emotionally)

Now, for me.  I am obviously codependent in this relationship - her mood dictates my mood. She makes me feel like I have BPD sometimes...am I crazy?  I exhibit all the classic traits that attract someone to someone with BPD - I'm a FIXER by nature, I grew up with low self-esteem from a dad who didn't build me up, I'm a little narcissistic, etc..

I know all the things I should be doing, but I am having such a hard time working them out practically...focusing on my own mental health, setting boundaries, validating her emotions, but not engaging with distorted thinking.  I swear...I practice and preach to myself constantly, but she draws me in every time and we end up fighting before I can walk away.

Anyway, it feels good to find a place to connect with others struggling with the same situations.  My main concern at this point is for my own mental health, so that I can be there for my children and give them some stability in their lives.

**She has agreed to start DBT again, this time with the group component.  She tried it before, but didn't really open up and give it her all IMHO.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello survivor! Welcome!

You've found a safe space here. So many of us have been through or are going through situations very similar to what you're experiencing.

It's a difficult road to walk, definitely. It's wonderful, though, that she's agreed to DBT. Hopefully this time it will hold. I also commend you for your self-awareness and your desire to work on things. That's a big but important step in making things better.

It sounds like you know the tools to use but you have trouble implementing them in the heat of the moment, right? I can identify with that, absolutely. Using the tools takes a lot of practice and hard work and it's something I struggle with myself. The patience can pay off, though, and if you are able to use the tools, you may begin to see some improvement.

Do you think you could describe one recent incident -- how it started, who said what, how you felt and reacted? That might help us pinpoint some weak spots, as it were.

[survivor82]

Thanks for the welcome!

Last night she started spiraling because she had committed to an event (she loves to commit to doing things because she wants so bad to be/feel normal).  When it came time to go to her event she wasn't able to go because she just felt scared, uneasy, tired, anxious (I have no idea how to navigate what she's feeling).

I told her that whatever she decided to do was fine and that I support her either way.  I did ask a few questions about what was making her not want to go...she then snapped at me "I DON'T KNOW, OK!"  "YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY?"  "YOU THINK I DO THIS ON PURPOSE?"  I calmly said I'm not getting into a yelling match with you and I walked away.

30 minutes later I walked into our bedroom and she's in there crying and hyperventilating.  In that moment, I felt zero compassion for her.  I was 100% annoyed.  In my mind, I freaking do EVERYTHING around the house, for the kids, work, etc..  Part of the reason also, is that this type stuff happens multiple times a week...there's no such thing as a normal evening for us.

I responded very coldly and said "I have no idea how to help you right now, because your emotions make zero sense to me"  Well, that did it.  She then switched to raging towards me and screaming at me to get out.  She locked herself in the bathroom and started throwing stuff and screaming.

I waited 15 minutes then went in there to try to calm her down and saw how much pain she was in and my sympathy kicked in.  I just told her I loved her and I was sorry she was hurting.  This calmed her down and with 1 hour she was back to herself.

[Ozzie101]

I've found it helpful for me to look back at incidents and my own role in them (even if the pwBPD is dysregulated and acting totally irrationally, we nons often play a part in how things go). If you look back at this incident, is there anything you'd do or say differently?

[survivor82]

Oh I think I know what I should have done, but it's actually controlling my own emotions enough to do it.

The moment she started going down the path of freaking out about her event...I should have validated her emotion, but removed myself calmly once it started going downhill. (that's our usual agreement/understanding).

My tendency is to try to fix her/the situation everytime it arises, when logically I know I can't.

[Ozzie101]

It's really hard in the moment, isn't it? The pwBPD is acting on pure emotion. It's so easy to get pulled in and triggered ourselves -- fear, anger, frustration, you name it. Or we try to jump in and fix it when that's not going to happen.

Have you looked at the tools we have on the site? Here are three that might prove useful (and my apologies if you've read these already):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

You can't control her. You can only control yourself. But one of the first big steps is to just not make things worse. Often, our reactions just escalate the situation. Learning how to avoid that can go a long way.

Take a look when you have time and see what you think.

[LoneRanger307]

My tendency is to try to fix her/the situation everytime it arises, when logically I know I can't.

I relate to what you are saying so much! I remember a year ago when my BPDh was having panic attacks because his wall of lies was breaking down--I was just so pissed off and cold to him. I did not care about the pain he was in. I was only focused on what I felt and trying to my life as fast as possible.

Last night, I started to get distressed by his depression. He was getting annoyed with me, because I was looking for solutions. I just stopped myself and said, "sorry. I am trying to fix things and rescue you, but I shouldn't do that. It's not my role. I'm just really distressed by your distress." And things calmed down from there. It helped to verbalize what I was feeling.