Bpd parent who just lost her spouse.

[Samiam1290]

Recently after confiding in a friend  (who is a psycatric professional) about my history with my mom and the escalation since my step father passed a few months ago, she asked if she had underlying issues. I told her she had never been diagnosed but I’d always suspected there was something. She informed me she would bet money she was BPD. I found the book “ stop walking on eggshells.” In a google search and it seems like all the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place. However, since my step father passed she’s been more extreme (which is expected). I’m having a hard time trying figure out boundaries between being their for my grieving mother but not returning to that emotional punching bag I was as a child. It’s escalating even more the last few days and I’ve had to draw a line in the sand. My 2 kids adore their Mimi but I’m afraid if I allow them to be around her too long she’ll begin to rage at them (has never happened before but she’s out of control right now). What do I do? I feel lost right now as I’m grieving too but was told recently I wasn’t grieving like she was. She’s seeing a grief counselor right now but is now using those sessions to justify her actions. “My therapist says I’m allowed to feel how I want and do what I want.” I’m so over my head right now.

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think basically, this comes down to how pwBPD deal with difficult emotions. It's hard as it is to lose a spouse, and when someone doesn't deal with their own emotions well, it must exacerbate the dysfunctional ways that they do deal with them.

My father died after a long illness. BPD mom's behavior was over the top. She was also cruel to me when I was grieving too- but I don't think she had much awareness of other people's feelings beyond her own. She doesn't have this even when things are going well.

I didn't allow her to be abusive to me. I understand you wanting to be there for your mother, but for me, the way she was treating me, I didn't want to allow that. Also, you need to take care of yourself at this time.

A wise friend suggested I have her on a schedule. Call her once a week, at a similar time. This way, she didn't feel abandoned- she knew we would speak, but also I didn't have to speak to her more often. This was a difficult situation, she had basically disowned me. I could have cut contact but it didn't feel right to me as she is elderly. So I would call, whether or not she wanted to talk- I made the gesture. But if she wanted to call at other times and I didn't feel I could deal with it, I didn't feel the need to talk at the moment.

Yes, she got a lot of attention and sympathy for being the "grieving widow" and used it to justify her behavior, but abuse is abuse, and we don't have to accept it.

Take care of yourself- this is a tough thing to deal with.

I'm not disowned anymore, for what that's worth. It's not about material things- the only things I wanted were sentimental things that belonged to my father. She didn't let me have any at first, and I now have a few of them. The "disownment" at the time was designed to hurt my feelings. It did- as it included my father at the time. Now, honestly, I don't care if she disowns me or not materially. Since I chose to have a relationship with her, my goal is to manage my own feelings and boundaries in this and not be as reactive to her emotional state.

[madeline7]

When my elderly uBPDm lost her spouse (my Dad, a good guy and enabler all rolled into one), my first thoughts were to be there for my Mom. I didn't allow myself to cry, as I had to be strong for her. Conditioned to take care of her needs front and center from the time I could remember. Then literally 3 days after the funeral (less than 1 week after his passing), she starting in on trying to split family, talking behind family members back, etc. When I gently told her I wouldn't talk about family, or even listen to her talk badly about family, only wanted to speak nice words about my Dad, she went off. Full blown rage. Told me to leave, then told my sibling I made her feel unwelcome. Same old story, no change whatsoever, and this is finally what got me started on this journey of healing. I am in contact with my Mom, but feeling mostly detached. She is starting to slowly decline, finally in Assisted Living, and working with staff there to ease her transition. I was told a BPD may never change, and this was made crystal clear by her actions following my Dad's passing. It is sad and exhausting, a total time suck. I spent yesterday with my 1 year old grandchild, and my priority is to soak up all the good things in my life, as my Mom will NEVER change.

[Turkish]

Trust your gut.  When my mom started accusing me of stealing from her and going though her stuff (a portable filling cabinet, her purse), that was bad enough.  When she started accusing my little kids, that angered me, because I knew it was a matter of time that she'd accuse them to their faces.  Thankfully, she chose to leave the house not long after.  I got a call from a deputy a few months later when she accused me of stealing her purse.  No. She left it here and I was unaware.