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Author Topic: Strained marriages due to BPD child  (Read 464 times)
MomSA
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« on: July 11, 2019, 07:43:18 AM »

In another thread it was mentioned how marriages take strain when there is a BPD child in the home.

I would like to chat about it and thought I would start a new thread here...

My husband has ASD as do two of my sons. There are 6 of us all together in our home and my son in law makes 7. Relationships have been complicated our whole lives.

Add the BPD and we have fireworks...

I tend to be the peace maker between warring parties and often have had to take a stance against my husbands B/W thinking, his inability to filter his words, his missing of emotional and social cues and his very authoritarian manner.

This has meant that we have over the last 18 months, the peak of our daughters BPD episodes, become very distant as it seemed better than the blood curdling arguments we have been in with each other.

I want to get back to a place of openness, kindness, intimacy with him. I know the first step is forgiveness for the mistakes he's made with our kids, but in general his insisting our daughter be sent to rehab involuntarily...and then?

Who has walked a path like this? Can we chat? What has helped? Ideas?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 08:36:26 AM »

<raises hand> me. My marriage has also felt the strain of having a child with BPD. We are fortunate that we had a vacation already planned to celebrate our anniversary so right now we are away in Mexico focusing on each other. I will be away in Africa for a few months (I am a missionary) but when I return I think we will go for couples counseling. We have done it before and it really helped. Do you think that might help you too?
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tamismom

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« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2019, 09:08:24 AM »

I'm trying soo hard not to let this happen. We've only been married a month! In our 60's and the man has the patience of Job. My BPD DD came for the wedding and is still with us. We got a two day honeymoon away that was filled with long distance drama, after a lead up and wedding full of drama. (She objected to the marriage, and demonizes him...for obvious reasons)  I have spent almost every moment I'm not at work with her in order to make her feel like he hasn't made me abandon her and make her less of a priority. He's been holed up in our bedroom most of the last 5 weeks. When she leaves at the end of the month we are off for a two week road trip. She will be flying home to her husband and work. I'm already feeling nauseous at the thought of what drama may ensue with me being away and not in constant contact. I really need this break, and my husband most certainly deserves it.

Wish us luck!

I really wish I could be of more help MomSA, but I'm luck in that my husband doesn't really contribute to the problems at hand, other than my own guilt over how neglected he really is. Do you think your husband wants your daughter inpatient so that you can reconnect in a peaceful environment? If so maybe you have the same goals but not necessarily the same paths in mind to get there?
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Tamismom Smiling (click to insert in post)
MomSA
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« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2019, 09:27:30 AM »

Tamismom, can I suggest the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for you and your new   husband to read to better prep for boundaries going forward with your daughter?

Faith, my husband won't go to counselling. Its the Aspergers thing... :/ I need to find peace in myself about who he is and the struggles we have faced due to my daughter over the last 18 months...

I hope, despite your struggles, you are having an amazing time away
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2019, 09:33:55 AM »

If your husband won't go to couples counseling maybe you could go to individual counseling? That helps too.
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tamismom

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« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2019, 10:09:57 AM »

MomSA, I have the book. Had it for ages. Now if only she would give me time to read it!   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

Honestly I was considering using vacation time to do so, but not sure that's the best use of my alleged downtime. *shrug*
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« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 11:33:19 AM »

here, too.

It was hard.  My wife, DD step-mom, was my rock and saving grace.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.  If he won't go, cool...but it might help.  Either way, please consider it.
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« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2019, 04:15:43 PM »

Ditto! I’m right here with you.

 I sent a response earlier but it’s in cyberspace. My DH struggles w/emotional dysregulation at times which I believe might actually be C-PTSD from the train wrecks we are made to watch w/our DD. He has always been quick to label behavior into certain columns and his words can be so harsh with very little care or understanding about WHY the behavior occurred. We are in the conservative Christian South and there is very little grace when kids make BIG immoral choices. Sad, but true down here. Shame and guilt are given in heaps if one is nonconforming. I’ve said 100 times to DH “please criticize and label the behavior as bad, but do not label DD as Bad or flawed”
I resent him for his harshness but I understand it, too.

He’s a scared man who still has a young boy deep inside who is supposed to be the Rutter of our little family ship. Talk about pressure!

I’m using SET and DEARMAN w/DH as he needs validation as much as she does. I’m also letting him sit with the fallout from his b Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) w thinking. I’m sure it can be lonely for him. I try very hard not to punish him by using tactics that a pwBPD would use -like silent treatment, retaliation, etc. Ha. It’s a fine line between sanity and insanity.

We know better so we do better, right?
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« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2019, 02:39:33 AM »

I found being in two different parts of the process challenging. Well, we both did to be honest.

I took the lead in all of this “new” approach and H criticised me most of the way. Sometimes I’d have a wobble and he’d latch onto it. I learnt I couldn’t count on him to support me in the earlier days and so, to not be mirroring or triggered by his b/w thinking and judgments, I got the confidence to say “I can’t listen to you right now. You’re not helping the situation”.

H started to acknowledge the real but tiny improvements made over a period of time. The truth of the progress could not be denied and he started to focus on what was right, not wrong, for the first time.

He’s a negative person generally, old school, b/w thinker and bless him, finds it difficult to be kind. Even to me sometimes.

With Son28 stable and son18 hopefully going to uni in  September we will have the opportunity to reconnect. It’s a long time coming as I’ve felt “in between” an old life and a new one for a few years. I’ve got through this by throwing myself into my degree. Our relationship has been very strained this last year.

We went on holiday recently and had some good times, we also had a horrible argument (one that won’t be easily forgotten as his unkindness was stinging). I forget he has his limitations and he’s super sensitive. I resent having to treat him like my children and validate his feelings. I also won’t put up with being treated unkindly as my confidence has grown. We are work in progress.

We need to spend more time together and have some fun.

LP
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MomSA
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« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2019, 12:53:17 AM »

Lollipop and Peacemom, it seems our husbands approaches are very similar. My dh does however have the ability to detach on most things - and leaves the dialogue and rule setting up to me after he's given me his ultimatums...but that makes it hard hard hard when she doesn't keep them - which we know she won't.

I also have to watch my "wobbles"(love that Lollypop) as he will then go on a long rant about her and it makes me feel more anxious.

We are currently in a relatively good space, staying away from very hot topics and I also simply say "I'm not discussing this now" if I see him getting fired up...

I do think that I can grow in forgiveness and grace on my own and have amazing women who have also had hard paths to walk who counsel me...but I would like to not always have to feel like I must almost "protect" my daughter from him or myself from his rants. That just adds to my anxiety...
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Lollypop
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« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2019, 02:07:54 AM »

Hey MomSa

Excerpt
but I would like to not always have to feel like I must almost "protect" my daughter from him or myself from his rants.

I understand this positioning of yourself in the middle. I am not responsible for how my husband feels. I’m not saying I ignore his negative behaviour but I often don’t comment - I let it sit in the room. Is that validating the invalid? I guess. I find I don’t have the energy - he’s supposed to be a grownup.

He often says that he feels that he can never say things right so he’s says nothing at all. He then simmers until he can’t stand it any longer.

I’ve got to say he has learnt from me without even realising,  how to interact better. Things are better between H and both of our sons. But you know, I feel they are more mine than his. I have a better relationship with them but, again, his relationships are his responsibility. I can’t fix things, he has to change himself if he wants that.

LP
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2019, 07:28:22 AM »

MomSA and LP and anyone else who can relate,

My DH is right there too and I am sometimes the buffer when he gets upset.  It is painful to even share here about times when I’ve heard him escalate and had to jump up and hurry out to “check on things”. As explosive as DD can be, I’ve told my DH we aren’t allowed to react in kind and we must become super human to avoid it. I have a funny carton picture of Superman and Wonderwoman that I will text him as a reminder!

I’ve found if I involve myself as the voice of reason and use SET with him he simmers down. We are all adults legally and can remove ourself from situations we don’t like in theory, but we all live here so I can’t just sit by and watch ineffective harmful communication so feel I must jump in.

Tricky stuff and no clear answers here.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2019, 08:04:16 AM »

The biggest conflict I have had with my H is he does not have the same boundaries with my son that I have. But over time we are coming closer together and unifying our approach. It took time though. I encourage all of you to not give up

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StressedOutDaily
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« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2019, 10:45:27 AM »

I wanted to jump into this thread...and also want to start by saying my H is a wonderful man, great husband and father, but we are struggling right now with very different points of view on treatment for our BPD D 16yo, which is causing a strain.

The T's are recommending residential - which you all know is financially unbelievably expensive.   

I am feeling that we are running out of time and need to get her into treatment asap, he is dragging his feet and doesn't want to spend any $.

I am of the  POV that this is our daughter, let's do what we have to do to get her the help she needs...and its only money (that we don't really have). 

H on the other hand is extremely hesitant to drain our savings, put ourselves in more debt (we are so close to being debt free) for no guarantees of having a stable healthy child when treatment is done, and not knowing if we will need another type of placement (Boarding school, private school, etc that will cost even more $)when the RTC is done.   

I am trying to see this from his POV...he grew up with a younger brother who had mental illness from a young age - Bipolar/schizophrenic.  He was in and out of RTC, hospitals, etc.  It caused a lot of stress and chaos in his family, his brother is now 55 and has been living in a lockdown unit of a nursing home for the past 6 years.   They do not really have any relationship and he is very bitter about the energy and attention his mother gave and still gives to his brother at the exclusion of everyone else.  (lots of baggage there)  I did not grow up with anyone in my family having MI - our daughter is my first intimate experience with this.   

I have tried discussing this with him, and he pretty much shuts down.  I think I am going to try to make this the subject of our next session with our T, when she is back from vacation.

As far as the way we both view our D ...I am finally able to see her behaviors as the result of her illness. (of course I that doesn't mean I am skillful 100% of the time, probably not even 70%) I realize that she isn't doing these things on purpose, and if she knew how to regulate her emotions, and had the skills to do things differently she would, but she is not there yet, which is why she needs an RTC.   H still thinks she is doing the stuff she does just to piss us off most of the time...but he is getting there. 

~SOD


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MomSA
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« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2019, 07:28:09 AM »

I have tried discussing this with him, and he pretty much shuts down.  I think I am going to try to make this the subject of our next session with our T, when she is back from vacation.
~SOD

I am sorry for your struggles. Sometimes the only way to get resolution when we are on such opposite sides of the spectrum is by having a 3 neutral party to help us navigate the discussions.
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« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2019, 08:11:05 PM »

MomSA,

One of the most important things my wife and I do for ourselves is couples therapy, roughly every two weeks. Both of my children have significant mental health issues. She is their stepmother. The relationship stress can be immense, but so can the opportunities for our growth. Taking time away for some semblance of vacation each year is also good if you can do it.

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2019, 05:24:28 AM »

Couples therapy has helped us too. So has pastoral counseling.
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MomSA
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« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2019, 07:50:16 AM »

Yes, I am sure it would.

My dh refuses to go, but I have seen if I actually apply DBT principles and use SET communication skills we are ok.

Must just remember that in the heat of the moment.
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« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2019, 07:39:52 PM »

Besides learning how to interact with my DS38 and how to protect myself from his emotional storms - the strain of my sons BPD on my marriage is the second reason why I'm needing the experience and support of this group. My husband is my son's stepdad and came into my son's life when he was 20 and on his own. There has never been conflict between them though my husband has heard my son rage at me. My DH is old school, b/w thinker, believes you can overcome anything by putting your mind to it. He has no tolerance for my son's fears and neediness... Actually he has a hard time with interacting on a vulnerable level.
So I sit with my fears, worries, concerns... And don't share them with my DH. I feel alone in this important area of my life. DH will not go to counseling, he doesn't believe in it. I've gone before on my own and I'm sure I will go again. I know I'll learning healthier thinking and actions through connecting here so some of my hopeless feelings are easing up. I guess I've lived through so much drama with my son for the past 30+ yrs and with his Dad and my own that I'm hiding from conflict from my now husband. I believe there are ways we can all make progress if we're willing to learn and apply what we learn. I'm glad this topic was started. I appreciate you all.
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Normlee
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« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2019, 01:45:41 AM »

Hi normlee

Excerpt
I feel alone in this important area of my life

I totally get this. I just accepted it as I pushed forward with my relationship with my DS28. It is lonely and when I arrived here on the forum,  I complained “who takes care of me?” I kind of resented the lack of support. At the same time, I kept H  “out” and away from the problems most of the time, I could feel that distance and disconnect. How I was feeling was about “me” and how I reacted to others.

Excerpt
I'm hiding from conflict from my now husband

I did this too. I felt I just couldn’t cope with too much. Even though I was lonely, and sometimes resentful, I knew his b/w thinking would cause a ... disturbance in my rhythm at a time all of my focus was on learning new skills. When I did open up H would react, I’d say to him “that’s not helping”.

I’m work in progress. I learnt new interaction skills because of DS28 but found they’ve helped me with my other relationships. We all want to be loved and understood. That takes a deeper emotional connection. I’m not a superwoman and, you know, I just can’t do it all. I think we set ourselves up and maybe we can just say “we’re all doing our very best right now, maybe we could try a little harder”. I’ve found this year that I need to improve my relationship with H - we get on great generally but have bickered this year. I need to also learn to take better care of myself. It’s a long game played slowly for me.

LP

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