Struggling today

[Carguy]

Yesterday evening I had to go on a tow for my company and tow a car from one town to another. Ended up when I got to the other town the road that these people live on was one clear full of memories for me and my ex BPD. The flood of memories came back and now that she has left me and moved on to the next guy it really hurts and the memories hit hard. Do bpd's have this too? The other day we talked on the phone and we started getting into emotions. I told her I was thankful that I got to know her again and that I still care a lot about her and such. It started bringing up emotions in her for me still and she felt guilty because she's trying to make it work with a new guy and has decided that we can't be friends or talk anymore. This really hurts as well. My head is a mess with emotions and I'm struggling.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[4peece]

Hey Carguy,

I haven't been on the forum for long, but I can sense the pain and hurt in your words.  I too have felt pain from a relationship that I am actually still in.  My wife has now decided in the last 2 weeks that she absolutely will not consider divorce, but wants to just continue as "friends"  after 24 years of marriage and 4 kids.  The painful part comes that now she seems to be happier than I have seen her in a long, long time.  She has plentiful patience with the kids, seems engaging to friends and others and seems perfectly fine to be in a "platonic marriage".

It feels like she spent years sticking a blender in my head until I don't know what is reality, and now she's just fine with the outcome.  I don't know how you feel, but I am going to guess that it's maybe you feel the your exSO twisted up your mind and your life and now is trying to move on and you are saying "I don't know how to move on after the mind warp you dropped on me."

I absolutely do not want to put thoughts in your head or words in your mouth, so if that is not your emotional state, I am fine being wrong.

Just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone in feeling hurt, and not really knowing where to put that pain.  So many times I have felt monumental pain from things she has said and done and felt as if I was looking around for somewhere to store this pain, or put it on a shelf in my mind to evaluate how to deal with it.  In the end I just end up holding the pain in my lap and waiting for it to ease and decrease.

Just know that it's ok to just feel the hurt and emotion of sadness.  Just hold it, and feel it for a while and then just gently set it down and continue on your way.  It won't last forever, it will teach you, and you will be ok when it is gone.

Sincerely
4Peece

[Carguy]

Thank you 4Peece.

It really has been a struggle and has me down and struggling. We've been together three and a half years and several times we talked about marriage and we almost did get married. The last year and a half has been a lot of breaking up and Recycling and coming back together even recently.

A month and a half or so ago after not being together and not talking I reached out to her as always and we started talking and she ended up coming down to my house because she wanted to spend time with me but we're supposed to just be friends. It seems like it started going back to what was more like a relationship and she seemed happy with it then three weeks ago she got upset and says we are supposed to just be friends.

 A week later she goes to the retreat she went to last year and reconnects with the guy she did last year and comes back and tells me she wants to see where it goes with him. It is crushing for me.

The other day when we talked at the end of the conversation she told me she was going to move to the city that he lives in about 2 and 1/2 hours away. Even more crushing!

A platonic marriage. That's hard man! That is hard on mental and emotional levels and that in turn affects physical. I'm so sorry to hear that. That does not seem fair to you in my opinion.

I haven't been in this group very long either but have been doing a lot of reading on this disorder. I think both you and I have found a good group and good site with tons of useful information and tools to help us! And for me I know that support both on this site and from my friends has been a big help.

Like me I would have to imagine that you wish with all your heart that she did not have this disorder and that things were completely different. I know I wish it every day and have for a long time. It's hard on the ones we love so much treat us so poorly and then just walk away from us like that.

Hang in there 4Peece. It looks like we're all in this together here! And thank you so much for reaching out! Knowing that others are there to tell you it's okay and reach out is comforting and really helps in these hard times!