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Author Topic: Moved to a new country and wife left me  (Read 379 times)
whoisthis
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: July 11, 2019, 12:11:27 PM »

Hello there,

This is my first time on this website. So I hope I am posting it in the right place.

So I met my wife 5 years ago, at first we were flirty but I was not as into her as she was into me. I have heard stories of how she used to be obsessed with me. Any way over the two years we got to know each other. We lived in different countries and we flew back and forth visiting each other. I felt like I had met my dream girl and I popped the question.

Long story short she said yes. We got married a few months later, I came out to visit her and she was not the same. She was depressed and not her self. Anyway, during the trip I also discovered messages from the night we got engaged. She was sexting a guy she had dated before me, lied to her that I left her, and made plans to meet at a hotel. I confronted her about it and she said "It did not happen", so I showed her the messages and she claimed "She never met him". Since we were married, I decided to work through it.

I went back home and we used to visit each other, but there were incidents when she used shamelessly flirt with guys in front of me, she used to get angry at every small thing. I was criticized about how I ate, how I spoke, nothing I did was good enough. She would act with out care for me, and when I called her out on it she would make it my fault. I started to belive I needed to fix things. That I was at fault for everything. I used to shower her with gifts and kind words because she made me feel like I did something wrong.

Besides that I realized she had lied to me on various details of her life, getting a degree, borrowing neighbors dog and claiming it as her (because I am a dog lover), claiming she was mugged (later when i questioned if it was real, I could not find a police report or any evidence to support it. When I confront her on the lies, she would yell at me and ask me "Are you saying I am a liar?". I would feel guilty of accusing my wife of that, and would start to question my own judgement, things that were self evident were questioned by me. I found her on a dating app once and I called her out on it, and she yelled at me. I started to doubt if I saw the app on her phone.

She would go back and claim that I said things I never said. I would try to reason with her, use logic but she was stubborn. She constantly acted in an impulsive way (over spending, Gambling and over eating). Her eating habits got so bad that, she weighed at one pint close to 390 lbs. She would lie about how much she ate, while I have dinner with her. She always acted with out thinking about consequences, she would rack up credit card debt and I had to bail her out.

To add to it, my parents were not a fan of my relationship with her. When I decided to be with her, I ruined my relationship with my family, was isolated from my friends and I felt like she was all i needed.

Not to long ago she was diagnosed with cancer and she was going through radiation therapy. I quit my job and visited her. Against the doctors advise when she was given the radiation pills I used to stay in close proximity to her, which went on to effect my health later.

All of this happened after 2 years of marriage. Finally I got all my visa stuff figured out and I moved to live in the country she resides in. After I arrive she told me she has slept with multiple people, how she was never faithful to or never will be. She moved out and moved in with her "Boy friend". I am utterly confused.

Just before I came out, I gave her an ultimatum to go seek professional help. The therapist said that is sounds like she has BPD (she has since stopped seeing him). I did not give to much thought to it. Later after this devastating loss I started seeing a therapist and the my therapist said "It sounds like BPD". He told me to read the book, "stop walking on egg shells".

My wife says she does not want a divorce but does not want to be with me. She has told multiple people how even though we are not together, she considers me her life partner. Since the break up she has treated me in a humiliating manner. She would yell at me, and make feel like I am not worth it. Due to effects on my health from her radiation treatment, I had to go for some major tests. She did not even inquire to see what my results were.

I am completely lost, I don't know what to make of this. I am in a new country and I dont know anyone here. The person I love, is with another man and tells me she is in love with me, yet says "You are my life partner and I don't want you out of my life". She has repeated this line to other people as well. We own a s business together, hence it is hard to go with out seeing her.

I miss her, and I want her back. But I don't know if she will ever want me back. I feel lost and so confused. I am seeking professional help. Honestly, I dont even know if she ever really loved me

To be honest, I don't know why I just said everything I said over here. I feel like when I tell people my story they don't believe me. I don't know how to move past the pain. All I do is wonder if she will ever come back to me. I spend every waking moment alone sobbing and wondering what happened. Any advice on how to deal with this, or personal experinces of dealing with similar situation might help.

Thank you
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once removed
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« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2019, 10:37:19 PM »

wow. what a lousy situation. im glad you reached out.

im glad youre getting professional help too, theres a lot going on, and being isolated must be really hard.

this new relationship may simply have to play out. about how long has it been going on?
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whoisthis
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« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2019, 06:09:02 PM »

As in how long has this new relationship going on? At least 4 months, as far as I am aware. Unless she is lying to me about that too.

When you say, "simply have to play out", what do you mean? I should sit back and wait if she will come back or finally decide she wants a divorce?

Thank you!
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once removed
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2019, 12:16:03 AM »

Excerpt
When you say, "simply have to play out", what do you mean?

most relationships dont last more than 90 days. impulsive relationships especially.

thats no guarantee, of course.

Excerpt
I should sit back and wait if she will come back or finally decide she wants a divorce?

not exactly.

i think you should determine whether you want her back, or whether it would be best to pursue divorce yourself. we can support you either way, but determining your path will help you.

if you want her back, that would likely entail you keeping a fair amount of distance, and as i said, letting the relationship play out and implode, assuming thats whats going to happen. it would mean learning the tools here. it would be a tall order.

Excerpt
I ruined my relationship with my family, was isolated from my friends and I felt like she was all i needed.

have you reconnected with your friends and family?

Excerpt
I am seeking professional help

what sort of help? how is it going?

how often do you and your wife speak, and when was the last time?
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