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Author Topic: All kicking off  (Read 181 times)
Blueskyday
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« on: July 12, 2019, 11:02:40 AM »

Hi everyone, well its all kicking off again with dtr who is BPD.

She slept with her best friend's brother who was/ is seeing her oldest friend. I said nothing and was labelled as unsympathetic when she found out she was pregnant. I could have said plenty. This is the second time she has slept with someone else's boyfriend and gotten pregnant . She found out 2 days later that it didn't take. She's told all and sundry she has miscarried. I continue to say nothing. Its not that I don't care. She had already told me she had an abortion apt all lined up. She also confessed she was never going to tell me. That's fine its her life

She was supposed to come this weekend to stay over. She said she can't afford a cab and can't bring the child and the dog so I have no choice bit to go get them of I want to see my Grandchild. She can't come Friday as she's exhausted. She snaps at me when she speaks to me, treats me very badly. I say nothing!


All this week I have been flaring with Lupus, sleeping at 7pm and waking at 6 to go to work. I am nursing a broken toe as well which won't heal and have the hospital next week. I deal with my own stuff.

She asks me today if I will babysit tonight so she and her friend can go out. I say no and then the pushing starts. Well you always wake up early etc etc..I explain calmly I need a rest on a Friday after a 40 hr week. Its not about tomorrow morning. She would go out, get wrecked and turn up here at 4pm tomorrow anyway.

She only wants to be around me when she needs to use me for some purpose.

Today I felt its time to call a spade a spade.

I said hang on!! I thought you were exhausted and broke. You clearly don't  want to come here. I told her we are not close and we are getting further apart the longer you are off your meds.

Then came the reams and reams of attack 
I have no empathy for her. I have never asked her how she is. She has had the hardest year of her life!! Every new year is her hardest year as she sets it up that way .
I am this and I am that and I am making her cry and on and on.



She refused to bring the  child last weekend as she had lined up a drinking session with her friend that evening. The child spent a beautiful day stuck indoors and I have a pool.

She really made me angry today so I told her to apologise to my Grandchild and say I will not be seeing them this weekend. I can't look at her. I don't want her in my home.

We are supposed to be going to the US in 7 weeks with the child but I am not allowed to mention the trip. She has not saved any money at all and talking about it "stresses her out "

I have given up!! I doubt I will be on that plane in 7 weeks with her the way she is. I asked to take the child to swim with a dolphin. Her response is I don't want to do it but you can't leave me for a day in a different country ..How selfish can a Mother be ...
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2019, 01:29:00 PM »

Ugh. That is horrible behavior. No wonder you are angry and not empathetic. The bad news is you can't change her. The good news is you can establish some boundaries that will help you stay centered and possibly help your grandchild too. Have you seen this?
boundaries

« Last Edit: July 12, 2019, 01:35:51 PM by FaithHopeLoveKC » Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Blueskyday
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« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2019, 02:21:17 PM »

Lord knows I have tried. The pushing started because I declined to babysit

Now she will play the victim with my Grandchild. She may even say Grandma doesn't want to see us. I am so beyond dealing with this.

She sucks all the joy out of a room unless of course she is off to get drunk.

She even said to me that she could find a Tinder date in Universal Florida. I wouldn't be having that nonsense. Who would be looking after her child? Muggings here?

She chose to have unprotected relations with a virtual stranger. She should deal with the consequences and not saturate everyone with her bad choices.

I am so sad and angry I stepped away because she loves the drama of a massive row..I am an inch away from pulling out of the holiday.

At this point its only for the child I would spend any length of time with her.

I am so beyond done
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2019, 04:43:42 PM »

I hear you. I would be done too. What is your main priority at this point? Improving your relationship with her? Caring for your grandchild? Self care?
Hugs
Faith
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Faith
Blueskyday
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« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2019, 04:21:49 AM »

I need to distance myself from her emotionally.
 I need to finally acknowledge that we will never be close.
She hates me. She needs me.
I hate you don't leave me is the # of our whole 29yrs together..well not the first 8 or 9 when she idolized me.

Its a sh** relationship for me.
Its one way all the way. I need to dig my head out of the sand and see our entanglement is emeshment and back off.

I don't prefer  do conflict but I can!
Yesterday was a moment after months of abuse..I had to draw that line in the sand and call her out on all of this nonsense.
Every conversation with her, every text leaves me feeling less than.
She runs me down in front of my Grandchild.
She snaps at me and makes snide comments about how I dress, walk, talk, my make up.
 The fact I wear perfume when I am alone is ridiculed.
The fact that I take care of my appearance is ridiculed.
This is when things in her mind are " going well" between us.


.She is just a mean selfish girl.
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2019, 07:54:54 AM »

Blue sky-
You sound beaten up and hurt. I would be too and having a grandchild would make it so much more painful. I don’t have any advice on that front, but I will simply offer what I’ve learned about avoiding people who berate me (mine lives here so it’s thought!). That’s In the boundary establishment materials. Then limit setting is next. I suppose Radical Acceptance comes along which is really part of the Grief Cycle.
Self care is the quickest fix to ease the pain- a walk, a vent here, a cup of tea, a book, a museum, hot bath, favorite exotic meal, baking, knitting, 70s  music blaring! Hugging a pet, hugging a friend.
Take care of you so you become strong enough to set some limits. You owe it to yourself. Hugs
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2019, 10:44:10 AM »

That's exactly how I'm feeling beaten up.
All of the following came along with screaming, wailing, sometimes threats of suicide. Massive histrionics..Unimaginable histrionics and massive blame of anyone other than herself..mostly me


There was
The depression
Constant berating of me and blacking my name
Ruining any relationship I tried to form including friendships
Leaving home and refusing to return to live with Heroin dealers. I had met a man. She made sure he knew she left because he was in my life. My partner had died and she wanted me alone.

The drugs
The binge drinking.
The sex with random strangers
The STD's and Herpes
The pregnancy with another mans child.He was of course in a relationship.
The police involvement as he and his gf became aggressive
The homelessness.
The gambling addiction
The 2nd possible pregnancy/ Loss with another woman's man. Not sure if this was real or imagined
The years of leaning on me to help raise her child.
The being moved due to her living situation.
More binge drinking/blacking my name
The outrageous spending
The drama with bailiffs knocking her door
Possible repossession of her home
The weight gain and drama surrounding that/attacks for never having been overweight. She is morbidly obese

The breaking of the law/fraud on a massive scale.

The bankrupcy
The rejections of me when she mèets a new best friend until they are rejected or reject her.

The house being so filthy that it smells like a trash tip. The splitting when I speak up

The emotional neglect of the Grandchild
Threats to stop me seeing the Grandchild.
The bankrupcy.

Then when things are calming the possible third pregnancy with another girls boyfriend.

Most of this is in the last 8 hrs.

She is still binge drinking. She got into my pool drunk with the child after downing 3 bottles of wine and 2 ciders and fell onto her.

She disnt speak to me for weeks when I sent her out of the pool and set her straight.

I had to order her home as she was out drunk with the child not so long ago.

I am woke
« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 10:53:09 AM by Blueskyday » Logged
Blueskyday
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2019, 11:00:29 AM »

I am so grateful for this forum. She tries so hard to make me believe I am evil and bad and undeserving.

My house is peaceful. I have international students all year round who love me and love my little house. People describe me a calm.

I floated around in my pool today thinking.
I can just let go!!
I can see my Grandbaby.
I do not need to allow myself to be sucked into any more of her drama.

I have a lot of health issues but I am essentially a happy positive person.
I change every contact with her.
Every text, every time I am with her I am left feeling less than and questioning myself.
I am being gaslighted and I see it.

She is fine when there is no audience.
She is fine with her friends, some of them.


She just hates me and everything I represent. It all seems so clear to me now
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Bluemoon23

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« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2019, 11:52:18 AM »

Wow. I can so relate. I hope you find a way to keep yourself strong and feeling that you are are a good person doing the best you can. It's so hard to deal with a child who has such strong love / hate feelings about us.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2019, 06:42:03 PM »

I think I will. I feel that I must

I needed her when I broke my toe. I never ask her to help and she left me. I have been extremely ill and she's never there for me. Not only did she leave me she manipulated the situation to leave me to look after the dog.

I know I have allowed things to get this bad.
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