Snarling Face

[Matthew19:26]

My wife finally agreed to see a BPD/DBT specialist.  I gave her the phone number to a place 10-25 minutes away (depending on traffic).  When she called and found out where it was, she refused to go there because of the drive.  The BPD office emailed her a list of behavioral health providers closer to our home.  I asked her to forward the email to me when she gets it so I can see which ones are in-network for our insurance.  She agreed, but she never followed through.

When I came home from work, I asked her if she had received the email.  She had.  I asked her to forward it to me and she snarled:

"NO.  I'm going to do this by myself, for me."

The look on her face was frightening.  The only way I can describe it is it looked like she was snarling like an angry dog - and it fit her mood.  It looked "demonic".

Has anyone experienced anything like this?  What did you do?  How did it turn out?

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

"NO.  I'm going to do this by myself, for me."

I’ve also heard this... many many times, across two marriages.

“I’m doing this for me, not you”

“I need to do this for me, this is what I want”

“I made an appointment... I called the number my doctor gave me, but I canceled”

“stop trying to control me, you’re the crazy one”

... I should write a book, I’m surprised I haven’t lost my own mind, or stroked out... or had a heart attack by now... my personal life, love romance and marriage... has been very stressful, and dysfunctional since August of 1994, first marraige, lasting 21 years... divorced, only to have learned nothing... and parlayed right into another disordered relationship, romance and subsequent marriage... but I’m still here!

Keep posting Matthew 19:26,

*Philippians 4: 11-12-13

Red5

[Notwendy]

I think the snarly "demon" face is a hallmark of dissociation. When someone with BPD is "triggered" into one of their rages, I think ( and this is only my opinion - I don't have any science articles to back it up- but maybe there are some) they are in an altered state momentarily.

PwBPD can't handle difficult emotions. They dissociate from them and project them. When they feel badly or upset, even though the feelings are inside of them, I think they truly in the moment, perceive the cause as external. They feel bad, it has to be someone (or something) else's fault.

Since BPD is a spectrum condition, I think there are varying degrees of this.

I think the "demon" look is a temporary disconnect in the consciousness. Our emotions are felt in a different part of the brain, not the higher conscious parts that interpret emotions. I've felt that when we look into someone's eyes, we feel connected to who they are, but when a BPD is in a rage, they are disconnected somehow.

I have a severely BPD mother and have seen this "look" many times. For her, it seems to get rid of the troublesome emotions and afterwards, she has even forgotten what she did or said during these times. ( other times I think she pretends to forget). It seems to act as a reset button. She's sometimes calmer and happier afterwards for a while.

These are just my thoughts on this after observing them many times- I don't have professional "proof". I think the most important part is to not take them personally and not react to what is being said to you in that moment. It is basically uncomfortable feelings being put in words and being projected. If you think of them in terms of how they function to help get rid of uncomfortable feelings, not about you, hopefully they won't bother you as much.

[Matthew19:26]

Red5:  Thanks for the insight and scripture.  Hang in there.

[Matthew19:26]

Notwendy:  Thanks for that.  Knowing that others experience the same thing makes me feel not crazy.

[isilme]

I second notwendy’s statement that it was a moment of disassociation. 

The personality you know has checked out and the body is running on emotions, pure emotions.  When my BPD dad did this, it was very frightening.  He would be ‘drunk’ on rage, and claimed he’d black out and not remember his actions, which usually consisted of beating me viciously as a small child with a belt, leaving all manner of marks.  Then, hours later, he’d come to me to ask forgiveness?  Like 5 year old me, terrified of you is supposed to now provide comfort for you? And I did... I tried because I bought the lie that I deserved it in the first place.

His eyes would go blank, dead somehow.  There was no one home at that point.  My h has moment like this too, you can tell he’s left the building, and all there is left to do is ride it out, try to stop jadeing or anything that makes it worse. 

I guess I’m so guarded in my emotions I can’t imagine having them take total control like that. 

[Matthew19:26]

isilme: That breaks my heart.

[isilme]

Matthew - it's okay, it was long ago, I'm 42 now, and I am trying my best to work through all of it.  The actual BPD related neglect from having two BPD parents seems to actually have done far more damage to me overall than the over abuse did.  That was easy to identify.  I am still having mini break thru crises, where I see something mirrored by my friends raising their own children, and see just how weird things were in my house.  I was kinda raised like a little pioneer child in the 1880s, but even they weren't expected in most households to provide emotional comfort to the adults, so I was 100 years off of when I guess I should have been born. 

Anyway, I know some people's belief systems make it look like their loved one has been possessed when disassociation happens.  And in a way they have, but it's a personal demon of uncontrolled emotions, not necessarily one that requires the clergy to expel. 

I see that moment as a huge warning sign to find a way to back off, cease all engagement, the rational person, even the minimally rational one that can be so trying at times, is gone.  Rage, anger, embarrassment, shame, these are all in their place, the person you know has stepped to the back of the mind and won't be back for a while. 

I saw a post on a facebook group about someone's SO dysregulating while texting.  She'd made an accusation of lying, after finding out he'd mislead people about their finances and friends gave them gifts out of pity and trying to be helpful, and she was mortified.  His response degenerated into repeating words about lying - over and over... and over.  To a level that was truly insane.  Like the words "deliberately dishonest" repeated over 20 times. 

She realized this is not the action of a person in any sort of rational control, and did her best to dismiss it, disengage, and not take the comments during that period to heart - there was no personality behind them.