Feeling confused

[Macy345]

  Hi everyone,

I have been dating someone for 9 months who I suspect has BDP. He had opened up to me about the 5 month mark he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had severe depression during school years. He has also told me he suffers from abandonment issues. I have always been supportive as we have had a connection and good relationship between each other until about the 6 month mark..I started seeing another side of him. It started by what I see as a trigger started  by me when he showed me some older photos of himself (much slimmer).  My reaction upset him. I did apologize but ever since that time his behaviour towards me had changed. And slowly had been getting worse by always having digs at me and every little comment I would make about certain thing he would over react or exaggerate them. It has been getting to a point now where I feel I can't freely speak without upsetting him. This has been extremely upsetting for me and hard to grasp and understand. He has also mentioned he thinks he has a diagnosis of BDP but has never reached out for help. Our relationship has turned toxic. I feel he puts me down regularly now by making comments such as I am selfish as the other day I cleaned his kitchen bench without asking him and he became angry and upset I didn't ask (?). His behaviour has just reached a point of insanity and I'm tired. Last week we had a falling out over this and he has declared we should not see each other any more as I have been so upset by his behaviour I have been very emotional around him lately as o feel he has so much built up resentment towards me. I have been so upset all week and my self esteem is just low. I feel his behaviour at times was also quite narcasstic (his point of view,his way or no way). I feel stupid for putting up with this behaviour and him ending on his terms. How do I heal and get over this. His words have really stuck with me and I am struggling to move on!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

If he is BPD this behaviour is unlikely to change anytime soon, and no tweaking on your part will turn it around. What tends to happen is you start to adapt and accept/work around it. This can have negative impact on who you are as a person

Given this is early stages in a relationship you need to do a tally as to what is there that it has going for it before you become too invested.

[Macy345]

From what I have read on this site. His behaviour definitely fits into the BDP caterogry.

It is quite sad as he does have a wicked personality but his insecurities and paranoia is just to hard to deal with. He makes these unreal scenarios up in his head and exaggerates everything but always transfers the blame onto me. I feel that one trigger/ comment he cannot move past and is holding this against me and there has been a build up on his side and now I'm the 'bad' person. Which is completely unfair on me.

And the hot/cold moments. Some days I feel are great and within a moment he will just randomly make a PLEASE READty comment. His mood swings were becoming unbearable (I feel the built up resentment towards me).

He has this distort reality about relationships and idealises perfection (see a real naracassit side).

It has been a real crazy emotional journey with him.

But I agree I cannot have a future with him for my own mental health and sanity.

This website has helped me realise this. I do feel for him though as he has always been honest about being 'PLEASE READed up' and incapable of having a normal relationship..

I also find it weird reflecting back that all his 3 ex girlfriends have all cheated on him (unacceptable)but I wonder the truth in this.

[waverider]

I also find it weird reflecting back that all his 3 ex girlfriends have all cheated on him (unacceptable)but I wonder the truth in this.

If you do move on you will be added to this list, whether there is any truth in it or not.

[Macy345]

I find this so sad and hurtful. It is hard not to internalise the projection and false reality. I feel so sorry for him. What a horrible way to live.

Even though our time together was short and i am glad it has ended. As the pain from being together for a relatively short time is bad enough. He really took an emotional toll on me. Especially how it ended so harshly on his terms. But lesson learned to get out when red flags appear!

[once removed]

have the two of you not spoken again since?

how are you holding up?

[Macy345]

Hi,
After 9 days of no contact. He text messaged me at midnight declaring he thinks he made a mistake. He said he has been thinking about us non - stop..

We have been texting. But i know i need to end it. Far to many red flags over the past 3 months.

I do want to try and highlight my concerns and his behaviour and that he should reach out for help! But i don't know how to do this without a reaction. Maybe i should just leave it. I do really feel for him! But I need to care for myself! Not easy.

[once removed]

I do want to try and highlight my concerns and his behaviour and that he should reach out for help! But i don't know how to do this without a reaction.

it probably would not be received as you might hope. in a breakup, a person will hear "its you, not me".

We have been texting.

whats going on?

[Macy345]

True. I agree with that.

We have been talking like we used to (texting), to a point where it's like nothing has happened. I know this is not great on my behalf but I feel I cannot help it. As my feelings are still there (despite the downfall in the past 3 months). He is proposing we meet to talk things over but I know as you said that he will most likely make me out to be the bad guy. I have so many mixed emotions, i do want closure and to end it on better terms (may not be possible).

As you can see I am not thinking very clearly   

I have started reading the walking on eggshells book. And it is scary how much i can relate our relationship to almost everything. However, he is most certainly high functioning.

I probably shouldn't meet with him! But my head is all muddled

[once removed]

As you can see I am not thinking very clearly

this is the most important thing. the first step that dictates the rest: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

it doesnt sound like youre done with the relationship, or prepared to end it. thats okay.

i wouldnt proceed as if nothing has happened. i would work to get a clear sense on what the goal is. if you want to give it another shot, you will need a very different game plan. if you want to detach, or if you arent sure, there are ways to approach that differently as well.

[Macy345]

Thank you for your link. Much appreciated.

We are meeting on the weekend to talk but I am thinking of ending. We will see. Definitely will be highlighting how he made me feel and I do not accept his behaviour moving forward or before. So will be interesting.

But yeah we had a strong connection from the beginning  (despite the rollercoaster that began a few months ago). Feelings are definitely there but I do not wish to have a miserable future! My mental health and sanity comes first.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Macy-

I’m sorry, and like everyone here, I can relate to what you’re experiencing. 

The position I take with my uBPDbf is that this love is NOT unconditional.  This sort of happened after I did my own therapy and finally, FINALLY... learned how to express my own anger.  He had never, in almost 5.5 years seen that.  It wasn’t on purpose at first, but then it was and I PUSHED words out of my mouth in reaction to a ridiculous rage he was having.  Mean words.

Now I say what I want to say.  I use the communication tools, but I say what I want and need to say without fear of his reactions.  And I give him the choice to stay or leave.  He stays.  He has changed.  He did therapy.

I believe you have an opportunity here with your uBPDbf.  He has basically told you he thinks he has BPD and he has told you he has abandonment fears.  Out of respect and care for him, you’re reading  SWOE.  Why NOT tell him you’re studying up on BPD to better understand what he’s facing?  Why NOT suggest therapy if he wants to continue a relationship with you?  Why NOT give him “choices” versus ultimatums if you think you may want to continue the relationship?  All the work and heavy lifting should NOT fall on your shoulders.  You came into this relationship healthy.  You do NOT want to exit sick, do you?

During my 19-year marriage to a very mean guy, I used to tell myself “I have to remember I feel like this”.  And then I would forget.  I cannot seem to forget the night he threw me across the room. 

You have to remember how you have felt the last 3 months.  Your uBPDbf said what he said and you NEED that to stop. You need his behavior to change.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes