Don’t want to ask for a divorce yet but don’t know why.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I left my husband 4 months ago.  We have generally been on good terms and in regular contact since. I am trying to reduce contact but we are sharing a dog. The problem is I still feel too guilty to ask for a divorce. I guess there is no real rush but we will both eventually need to move on with our lives.

 My husband was caught by the police  drink driving recently so he will likely lose his licence for a while. I am worried he may lose his job that he just started too as a small part of the job involves driving. Also, he has loads of debt, no money and no place is his own to live (he is staying with family tho). He is 35 years old.  He seemed to be doing well recently, enjoying his job, it’s as if he self sabotaged.

I feel to guilty and sorry for him to ask for a divorce (or to even change my marriage status on Facebook). He has done some awful things but he isn’t well and he really is a good person. It feels like I’m still the fog. I did everything I could to help him over the last 6 years. I gave his thousands of pounds, tried to satisfy him sexually, emotionally, nothing really worked. Any advice?

[littleblondie]

I left my husband 4 months ago.  We have generally been on good terms and in regular contact since. I am trying to reduce contact but we are sharing a dog. The problem is I still feel too guilty to ask for a divorce. I guess there is no real rush but we will both eventually need to move on with our lives.

 My husband was caught by the police  drink driving recently so he will likely lose his licence for a while. I am worried he may lose his job that he just started too as a small part of the job involves driving. Also, he has loads of debt, no money and no place is his own to live (he is staying with family tho). He is 35 years old.  He seemed to be doing well recently, enjoying his job, it’s as if he self sabotaged.

I feel to guilty and sorry for him to ask for a divorce (or to even change my marriage status on Facebook). He has done some awful things but he isn’t well and he really is a good person. It feels like I’m still the fog. I did everything I could to help him over the last 6 years. I gave his thousands of pounds, tried to satisfy him sexually, emotionally, nothing really worked. Any advice?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi littleblondie,

I totally get where you are coming from. I have been separated from my husband for almost two years, and I have yet to file for divorce. Part of it is due to financial reasons, but part of it has been due to the avoidance of the situation. It's hard. My stbx ubpdh also has self-sabotaged, getting fired from his job, not paying his bills, getting kicked out of his motel room for a while. I understand how it is to worry about his ability to take care of himself.

The thing is, if you have made the decision that you want (or feel you need) to end the relationship, it is okay for you to do that. You have the right to do what is best for you. You also have the right to wait, if that is what you want. But I get the impression that you feel you are just putting off the inevitable. If you are waiting for the "right time" to initiate divorce proceedings, that will probably never come. I have had to accept this too.

It's hard to let go of the tendency to feel responsible for another person's feelings or well-being. It sounds like you spent years catering to every need your h had in order to improve the relationship, and none of it worked. This is because the neediness of a pwbpd comes from a place inside of them, not from external sources or circumstances (though they will likely believe that it is and tell you the same). Even though you are separated, you are still falling into the pattern of considering his feelings/needs above your own and feeling guilty if you want to take a step that might cause him pain. I believe that you are correct that you are still feeling the effects of FOG. It takes a while to train ourselves out of this mindset, but it can be done.

Have you seen a counselor at all for yourself? I know that my progress towards letting go of guilt took off rapidly when I started trauma focused therapy. I was able to realize that the circumstances my h was experiencing were due to his own choices, and that I was fusing my sympathy for his situation and illness with guilt that I should somehow lessen the consequences he was experiencing as a result of his behavior. Through therapy, I was able to separate the two feelings and then gradually let the guilt go. 

[Wilkinson]

Hi littleblondie,

I too can understand where you are coming from.  I just moved out of my house and I'm going to have to file for divorce to force the custody issue with my wife because she isn't letting me see the kids, even when I did live in the house.  I have felt similar things that you mentioned.  After a year of different counselors, self reflection, self improvement, I could not cure the toxic environment in our house. 

What hurts for me the most, and what I think I picked up on in your post, is that this process is very tough and it is difficult to start on someone you still love.  I don't believe my wife is an evil person.  I don't believe she is intentional in the pain she inflicts.  I believe deep down she has some intense emotional turmoil, either from insecurity, or childhood issues, or something that have spiraled out of control.  I believe a divorce will greatly sadden her.  I wanted her to get help in the worst way, but we are all in charge of our own behavior and our own self improvement.   

We do our best to help bring people up, but we can't do anything for those that continue to choose destructive paths.  Eventually all that will happen is they will bring you down with them.  It's extremely difficult to let go.  I can't say that I really have at this point.  I keep hoping to hear from my wife acceptance of responsibility of her actions so we can both start working on the relationship.  It's hard.  We are taught marriage is hard work and you have to put effort into it and it takes a constant decision to love even when you don't feel it.  When you're truly committed, walking away feels like you're giving up.

And there will be people who tell you, that you are giving up.  There are going to be people on the outside that only see a portion of what is going on.  They can't see into your personal lives or into your hearts.  They will make judgement on what should have been done.  They may have had a rough patch in their marriage, persevered and now think if they can do it everyone can, but not everyone experiences what you are experience.

One of the important things to reflect on is if you are enabling any of the behavior.  There's a lot of posts on here about maintaining boundaries. It can be very difficult.  In some case, you CAN help train the person and extinguish some of the behaviors.  Some people though, will not stand for boundaries put upon them. 

It's a really tough situation you are in and you will have to come to peace with whatever decision you make.  On here, we know how hard this decision is and the agony you go through to get to it.  There's all sorts of stories good and bad for either decision.  However, this place offers support for those going through it.

[Lucky Jim]

He seemed to be doing well recently, enjoying his job, it’s as if he self sabotaged.

Agree, littleblondie, it's likely that he self-sabotaged, which is common for a pwBPD.  My BPDxW was constantly shooting herself in the foot, and still does, yet it's not my problem now that we have parted ways.  I am uncertain why you feel guilty for his own shortcomings.  To me, those are his issues, not yours, so I suggest you let go of the guilt.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Hi littlleblondie
4 months isn’t really a long time after 6 years. If there is no reason right now to divorce then leave it for now. Concentrate on recovering and becoming stronger. I think when we have been in a BPD relationship we lose some if not all of the person we once were, and it’s important to find yourself again. As for Fakebook, it doesn’t matter does it, it’s not real, who cares right now if people can see if you are married/divorced whatever. The people who you love and love you will know,  they will be there to support you, the rest don’t matter, yet. Take some time for yourself now, it’s so important.
Love from Sadly x

[Wilkinson]

I am uncertain why you feel guilty for his own shortcomings.  To me, those are his issues, not yours, so I suggest you let go of the guilt.

I agree with LuckyJim that you should try to let go of the guilt.  This can be very hard.  You have promised to love this person and take care of this person and now you have to let them go when you wish you could help.  I'm sure he has blamed things on you and made you feel like you were the problem and you did for a while believe it and try to do everything you could to fix yourself to fix him and it never seemed to work.  It's really tough.  There comes a point where you really have to be able to face yourself and be able to confidently say you did everything you could with as much knowledge as you had at the time.  You'll think of things you wish you hadn't done or said, but no one can be perfect. 

This is not something that you just decide.  It took me a long time of trying to accept this.  I would keep going back and feeling guilty for things.  My wife would say things that struck instant guilt.  It's hard.

[littleblondie]

Yeah, you are exactly right about the reason I feel guilty. It’s because I promised to love him forever and always be there for him. I made those vows less than two and a half years ago. To be honest I had doubts before the wedding but everything was booked and because I loved him I just hoped for the best. He really is a lovely caring person most of the time. I did get to the point though where I couldn’t do anymore, nothing worked. He is going to court soon to face his drink driving conviction and has been told he will probably lose his job. I don’t understand why he drove home drunk. He had a room to stay in at his friends house that night. He was making progress recently, had a new job that he seemed to love, new car, going to therapy, on meds, doing meditation. He was so adamant  that he was ‘getting better’ then he does this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again littleblondie, I'm sure you tried your best.  I took my wedding vows seriously, too, and felt enormous guilt after parting ways.  Yet, at the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that it was doubtful that anything I did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Hey, I'm human, and you are, too, so give yourself a break.

LJ

[OutOfEgypt]

I am actually struggling with similar things with my adult son (who is likely BPD, like his mom, my ex).  It's the same basic idea.  I feel guilty for shutting the door on him.  With anybody else, I could tell them plainly that they need to get their # together and stop trying to use and manipulate me to help carry the burden of their poor decisions.  But not with him.  With him, I feel badly.  I resist the feelings of (quite justified) anger.  It's like we still want to protect them.  It doesn't help them, though.  Or maybe we're protecting ourselves from what we know will follow when their life falls apart some more and they want to blame everybody.  It's a lot to deal with.