Partner will not accept that there is anything wrong with her.

[becoming_a_Jedi]

My wife, aged 55, has been in therapy for about 15 years.  When she started therapy she told me she was seeing a psychologist to help her deal with childhood issues.  Her off the record diagnosis is BPD and I also see some dissociative personality disorder and NPD traits.  Her first psychologist ended treatment after 4 years and told me she is not qualified to help my wife further and that she would need more help in the future.    She is now on psychologist number 4 and been in intensive DBT for 3 years and is not making progress.  I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD three years ago (from all the walking on eggshells). I got myself into therapy and started taking care of myself,  got involved in a church and started cycling.  Taking care of myself has made things worse as far as our relationship is concerned and now her psychologist suggested that we try mediation.  We recently had our first mediation session.  Present was the mediator, a lawyer and her psychologist.  One of the core issues preventing us from moving forward is that my wife refuses any label, diagnosis and insists that there is nothing wrong with her.  I offered to go for a psychological assessment, because I wanted to be the best husband that I could be for her and asked her if she would do the same.  She refused and the meeting ended with an outburst from her claiming that there was nothing wrong with her.  In a private meeting with her psychologist I was told that she would not be able to handle a divorce and she is desperate not to get divorced.  I was also told that she is trying very hard and that she knows what her diagnosis is and that the mediation might be a needed wake up call.  She has threatened suicide in the past, cannot hold a job and has little or no friends.  Sexual intimacy is the only area of our relationship that has always been and still is great but it is always spoiled afterwards by being triggered by something.  I have three wonderfully supportive children and the youngest has just finished school.  Our next mediation session is Friday and I feel that without her taking ownership of her condition there is no hope for our relationship. I feel trapped. Am I out of options, should I just move on?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

HI becoming! Welcome!

This is a supportive group here. We get it. We've been there.

It sounds like you're dealing with a very difficult situation with your wife and I'm so sorry. It's a real struggle, living with these relationships. And your wife's resistance to diagnosis or help or admitting she may have a problem is quite normal. You'll see many fellow members here have gone through (or are going through) the same thing.

We make it a policy to never tell people to run from a relationship. That's something only you can decide. But what we can do is support you and help you as you move forward along whatever path you choose to take.

If you want to try to make your relationship work, we have tools and techniques that can make a surprising difference (and we've had members in seemingly hopeless situations experience a turnaround). If you decide you'd rather move on, we can help with that too.

Have you given much thought to the near future and what you want that to look like (regardless of what you think is possible)?

[Wilkinson]

Hello becoming_a_Jedi,

I think I can empathize.  I'm struggling with something similar with my wife.  People can really hate labels, so it's best to try not use them as much as you can.  I was trying not to use any and only talk about behaviors until my wife looked through my email and saw one where I labeled her. 

I'm glad you are finding ways to take care of yourself.  Make sure you connect with other people, not necessarily about your relationship, but just to have a social life.  Like see if there is a cycling club in your area to join.

[becoming_a_Jedi]

Thank you for your replies.

> Have you given much thought to the near future and what you want that to look like?

Yes. I want my days to be without constant drama.  I want to be able to love with reckless abandonment, without fear of stepping on a mine.  I want to stop trying to figure this all out, trying to figure out what the heck just happened.  I'm exhausted.  I need rest.

I am happiest when we are apart, taking care of myself, but it's anguish for her.  The constant conflict of, "how can I abandon her", when she is so dependant on me leaves me conflicted.  It's hard, hard work to help her when she is in denial and blames the universe for her unhappiness.  When I am her god, all is well, until I no longer am.  

[Ozzie101]

It's vital that you take care of yourself, as you're trying to do with your cycling and other activities. That's so important to maintaining your own health and equilibrium, especially in a relationship like this. I can speak from experience: it is exhausting. As you're discovering, though, your independence can feel threatening to pwBPD.

When you go out to church or go for a ride, how does that go down? What do you say to her? Sometimes how we approach something can make a big difference in the response we get.

[becoming_a_Jedi]

I tell her exactly where I'm going and when to expect me back.  I allow her to track me on my fitness tracker when I'm out cycling.  Most times she either makes a subtly abusive remark, a statement that could have an alternate meaning or asks a double-bind question.  Often on my return I find that she is not at home and cannot be reached and find multiple deleted Whats-app messages from her.  I make sure that I'm always back on time and will always let her know if I'm going to be late.     

Going to church always leaves her triggered.  She was an "on fire Christian" when we got married but discarded (split) Christianity when she took offence about something someone said. 

Eventually the love-bombing starts another cycle of wash, rinse, repeat.

 

[Wilkinson]

It's vital that you take care of yourself

Like you, I went through a period where I would do everything to not make my wife mad. I would allow myself to be tracked, I would stay away from supportive friends that she disapproved of. I kept denying myself in an effort to not make her mad. You know what happened?  She still got mad. She always found something. Either I didn’t handle something in a way she thought was right. Or she would just randomly get angry about something from months ago. Nothing I ever did could keep her from getting angry.

What I would suggest is to take care of you, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Stop giving into her I reasonable demands. I suggest the book Boundaries. It takes some self confidence that even though she may be angry with you, her anger is unjustified, you are making the right decision, and you can’t be controlled just because she is feeling irrational anger. That is very hard. I myself have not mastered it. I’ve always relied on feedback as a way to evaluate my behavior because I assumed I’d be too biased to be my own assessor. However, you can’t use her assessments any more. It will wear you down. If you need help, try to find someone you can talk to regularly like a mentor that can help you and provide feedback about your behavior and actions.

It is really hard when the ones we love and try to please becomes dissatisfied with everything we do. Our first action, justifiably so, is to improve ourselves and change our behavior. But some people are going to take advantage of that.

[Ozzie101]

Wilkinson is right. You need to take care of yourself and set and keep boundaries. Have you read much about boundaries? We've got some good info here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

It sounds like you're doing well so far, letting her know when you'll be back. The thing is, you have to do what's right for you, not adjust your life to suit her or to keep her from getting angry. She will still dysregulate. If not over this, then something else. The best you can do is set your boundaries, be empathetic (using SET -- Support Empathy Truth -- is a good communication tool) and do what you need to do. How she reacts is under her control.