New to the Forum: Where do I go from here?

[vinnie77]

Hello everyone,

I am French and live in Paris, so I apologize in advance for any spelling mistakes I could make. I am also extremely grateful that this forum exists because it has no equivalent in France. For me, it's a miracle to have found you.

I write to you because a little more than three years ago I met a man (M) with whom I am now married. I am 42 and he is 29. We had from the beginning a very passionate, enmeshed and conflictual relationship. At first, I did not want him, because he was dependent on both drugs and sex. But he was ready, he said, to engage in this relationship and to give up his bad habits. He swore that the attachment he already felt for me would allow him to live a new life by my side.

I threw myself into this relationship as intensely as I had done with all the previous ones, desperate for love. In fact, it was I who, the first, after a few weeks, pronounced the words "I love you". M seemed the most reasonable of us both because even though I rejected his way of life, I was fascinated by it, and I soon explored the nightlife with him. We took drugs together, and we started to "experiment" with other sexual partners. All this excited me but also made me feel insecure, and anyone could have said, at that moment, that I was the one who exhibited BPD symptoms. I threatened to leave him almost daily because I was terrified of losing him. I searched his emails and SMS — I was looking for evidence of his betrayals, while he guaranteed me his loyalty. Soon I became physically violent, and every time one of his behaviors made me suspicious or aroused my anguish, I came to blows.

I was in therapy and unraveled little by little the reasons of my violence. I was abused as a child by a mother with a paranoid personality disorder, and I often felt like I behaved with M exactly as she had done with me. Yet at each stroke, at each conflict, he forgave me and reassured me with unconditional love. Things, little by little, began to calm down for me; my jealousy and my anxiety became less intense.

But the more I calmed down, the more it seemed that, in return, M became insecure and irritable. He had always been so, but it was as if my uneasiness had always taken all the place, while he had settled in the role of savior. Now that he did not have to hold that role anymore, it's like his demons were released, and I felt like a yoyo in his hands, being constantly pushed and pulled.

We started couple therapy, and a few months later we got married. On the day of the ceremony, I was so happy that I did not touch the ground, especially since I still saw myself as "the broken one". After so many years of emotional wandering, how lucky I was to finally be loved!

At the end of 2017, M started a new job. He was dealing with a narcissistic boss and this made him particularly difficult at home. Moreover, the issue of his job had always been very touchy. M did not work when I met him, and the fact that I made enough money to meet our common needs kept him into the place of a « househusband » that did not suit either of us. At the same time, M had no confidence in getting out of this situation, and when I urged him to do so, he took it as an attack. Meanwhile, we continued to go out from time to time, taking drugs, and sleeping with other men. It was more often a source of conflict and insecurity than pleasure, but we could not help it.

I lived more and more in fear of M’s reactions, who began to confess that he mutilated his genitals and who asked me daily a good twenty times if I loved him, while always accusing me of having affairs (which I never did). He seemed terrified that I would leave him, his behavior was more and more aggressive towards me, and the slightest word or gesture from my part became sources of endless conflict. My daily life was becoming more and more suffocating at his side, and I too often "managed" his outbursts with anger or aggression. I then began to see a new therapist, who gave me some tools to keep calm but never uttered the word "borderline". I was totally helpless.

In March 2018, I almost died because of a heart problem. M showed himself infinitely present and available, and it felt like our love allowed me to survive. My friends were there for me, and so was he, but no one in my family came to see me at the hospital. M was my family now.

After this accident, M became more and more out of control. His harassment was now a daily occurrence, but at the same time, having been so close to death had a soothing effect on me. Indeed, my heart disease absolutely forbade me to do drugs and party. I could not mess around anymore. M faced this situation with great frustration and decided to continue going out and taking drugs with his friends while I would stay at home. I could feel old and useless, but at the same time, the jealousy that I felt at the beginning of our relationship had completely vanished, and I finally believed in the fidelity that we had sworn to each other.

Yet, life was becoming more and more unbearable. M was emotionally blackmailing and abusing me daily, and in the summer of 2018, I asked him to leave our apartment. He did not take any responsibility, unable to question what could have led me to such extremes. I had not understood that he had BPD, so I did not know that the last thing to do to fix a situation that was so deadlocked was to further exacerbate his fear of abandonment. A few weeks later, M told me that he wanted an open relationship, and later I realized that he had slept with someone else. I tried to be patient and accept his conditions, but our conversations were most often saturated with hate: he constantly reproached me for the fact that I had kicked him out, and that alone was enough to justify his rage.

M started going out and using drugs the way he did when I first met him. He went under Pre-exposure prophylaxis, which gave me a clue about the pace and nature of his sexual habits. When I told him that I was certainly in favor of an open relationship, but that I was hoping that he was being cautious with sex and drugs, he accused me of projecting my perverse fantasies on him, and that of course, things were under control. After all, at the beginning of our relationship, was it not me who had so much trouble not crossing boundaries?

At the end of 2018, M told me that he did not want to spend New Year’s Eve with me. He wanted to be able to use as many drugs as possible with his friends. He screamed at me —"Your disease will not bring me down" and "You're worth less than drugs in my eyes" (This one killed me). Furious and horribly unhappy, I flushed my wedding ring down the toilet.

After a dreadful winter, when I thought about dying on a regular basis, I started seeing other guys who gave me a little lightness and joy. I was feeling good outside of my relationship with M, but these "affairs" stopped and I returned to him with the firm intention of being happy. I had the feeling that we had finally got out of enmeshment: M now had a job, an apartment of his own, and we had perhaps reached a healthy distance. At last, we were spending beautiful moments together.

And then suddenly everything went down again. M asked for divorce twice, disappeared two weeks, insulted me and called me a monster because I had forgotten to buy the yogurt he had asked me or because I had bought him gifts that did not please him. Thanks to the help of some friends, I began to recognize in M ​​all the symptoms of BPD. Everything finally made sense, that was exactly him! This understanding relieved me at the same time as it made me terribly sad.

When M reappeared, he seemed to be getting worse and worse. He told me he wanted to die, that he was ugly, fat and old, that he was anorexic, that his sex was irritated because he had masturbated compulsively for a week... I advised him to talk to his therapist — someone he had been seeing for over a year and who, in my opinion, has no knowledge of BPD. Detaching gave me peace, as much as the reading of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and the use of nonviolent communication tools (validation, setting boundaries, etc.). I noticed a change in our conversations whenever M accused me of this or that. Practicing empathy made me much more serene and greatly shortened our conflicts... Maybe we could finally be happy?

That's what I was hoping until what I discovered last Thursday. M had left his Facebook page open on my computer. I had the curiosity to watch… I am still shocked by the horror of what I discovered. M makes a show to his friends on how extreme his sexual behavior is. He degrades himself and puts himself in danger, he speaks of himself with appalling cynicism and dark crudeness. Moreover, his drug use is much higher than I thought. His whole world revolves around sex and drugs. Without those messages, I could not have fathomed how much he hates himself…

I wanted to throw up and I broke down in tears when I discovered this side of M. I had perhaps had all the clues to guess it before, but I could not face this truth. Today I can, I must - but for what?

A few days later, last Sunday, one of his friends contacted me to warn me and tell me that M's violence and self-destruction were "unbearable". He knows me and says that he does not support M talking about me publicly as he does, disrespectfully and totally dehumanizing me. I have become what allows him to act out his most disgusting addictions, to whom he can return whatever happens, who will always open his door, whatever the number of drugs he takes and the number of guys he f***s. But this discovery made me reach a point of no return, and I cannot imagine to have him by my side without disgust. At the same time, the very idea of ​​separating or divorcing tears me apart.

Twice a week, I have talked about this over and over again in therapy. I suspected to have BPD myself because I could often behave as M does. But everything he does takes on such an extreme character: his mood swings, his provocations, his aggressiveness, his rejection, his disappearances, his anorexia, his dark thoughts, his addiction... I can only imagine how much he suffers, but I wonder how long I can still endure this almost daily violence in the name of love. But is it even love when all this is so similar to codependency? I know that I will not be able to help M if he does not want to help himself... I know, but not ever being able to overcome these ordeals together makes me so sad.

Tonight I write on this forum to help me find solutions, while I know that M will go look for his "answers" into drugs and sex. I wonder how things got so bad. I try to take care of myself one day after another, but I am terribly afraid to end up alone. And I know that I will not be able to separate myself from M as long as I am not separated from that part of me which remains attached to the abuse — this deep, excruciating belief that I am not worth any better.

I thank you for reading.

Vinnie77

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi vinnie77.

I’m not sure what time it is in Paris, it’s pretty late here ‘across the pond’.  I tend to fall into writing simile and metaphor, Iet me know if I get confusing.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a turbulent relationship.  I think if you can find some quiet time, you need to look at your life, the life you want with M, the life you currently have with M, and the most realistic version of life together possible.

I have been with my bpdH for 23 years, but he only proposed 5 years ago, we only got married 3 years ago.

I hit a turning point when he was engaged in forms of infidelity, and while I’d wondered if I could stand an open relationship, I hit a point where I had to be fully honest with myself and admit I am not.  This allowed me to finally tell him it was a dealbreaker for me, and we had a very tough couple of years as I worked to establish some form of boundaries.  I’d not quite found out about BPD yet, I’d learned of npd and it’s ‘cousins’ and I mangled my way into where I had to make a choice... stay and possibly never have marriage and give up on that desire as a price for staying... leave and strike out on my own after a decade together, hoping being alone or free to seek other companionship might yield a fraction of what the good times together gave me.

I chose to stay, and some of my pain lifted as I made my peace with the decision.  I think it was the right one for me.  It took a lot of soul searching, crying alone, and a period where I was very close to the worst self harm to finally get there, but as I adjusted my expectations to match him at his best, his best improved.  We still struggle, and we’ve both developed chronic illnesses which is very difficult, and your yogurt comment made me laugh a little, because two weeks ago I got screamed at for hours for buying jelly instead of jam.  And it almost happened again yesterday when I didn’t make it to the store and we ran out of eggs.

M seems to hate himself, and he sees you as an extension of himself.  BPD seems to use us as external emotional processors.  They can’t face their own darkness and need it all to be our fault. 

M is sad to say very self destructive.  Do you want him back as he is? Do you want him only after maybe rehab? What rules that respect you do you need in place?  You don’t need to figure this all at once, and you also don’t need to set anything in stone.  I gave myself a week at a time to stay, then a month, then 6 months, as things changed.

I hope this helps, I recommend reading the lessons on here.  They can guide you to new communication techniques.

[vinnie77]

Hi Isilme,

Thank you so much for your touching answer and kind words. Sharing life stories such as yours is what makes this forum so helpful and I'm very grateful for it.

What you say makes total sense to me and is not confusing at all. In fact, it echoes a lot of my experiences, even though you've been in your relationship for much longer than I have!

You advise me to find some quiet time, which is what I'm going to do very soon since I'm going on a vacation for three weeks. I want that time to help me address what I've been going through recently with M and the discovery of how far his self-destructive behaviors have gone. Yet it is another illustration of how distant we've grown, since we were originally planning to take this break together, and once again this won't be possible because of another dramatic episode.

(M had saved money to go partying to Berlin this summer, but his only plans for us were to stay in Paris together. He said that he didn't want to take the risk of another crisis between us while we'd be away, and that at least he'd be able to go back to his own place if that happened here. So one could say that it was a wise decision from his part, even though it's hard to swallow now that I know better where his money goes...)

Anyway, for now, I've decided to go by myself and process what I have to do to better the relationship, if possible. I've started thinking about the rehab question already, but I feel that it wouldn't be right, and even perhaps counterproductive, to make it a condition for staying together. Isn't it a decision that should belong entirely to him, and that shouldn't be forced? I don't want to be accused of having become his enemy or persecutor once again... It is just too draining.

I've thought of joining a group such as nar-anon but it's closed for the summer here, and I don't know yet if giving M an ultimatum about his use of drugs is not going to potentially make him feel more rejected, and could not contribute to making things worse. There's a fine line between setting boundaries and aggravating the other person, and that line is obviously still quite blurred for me. What do you guys think about this?

I really like your advice, Isilme, about taking things one at a time, I keep thinking about how codependency is, of course, a form of addiction, and how "one day at a time" is the proper principle to figure out a way out of such addiction. However, it's sometimes hard for me to think like this. I have a tendency to project myself in the future, either wanting everything between us to be solved or dreaming of a totally different life without M, but I've noticed that anticipating only makes me more anxious. So I try to focus on the here and now, and on taking care of myself.

Thanks also for advising me to have a more proper look at the lessons here. I still have a lot to learn and am trying to constantly keep doing so, which makes this very difficult journey more enriching and meaningful than simply enduring it as a victim. For instance, what does it mean for me to have exposed myself to his horrible Facebook messages? Perhaps it is that, somehow, I was able to face the truth, and in that sense, even though I'm not responsible for my husband's behaviors, I've created that truth. Now is the time to make something out of it.

Any advice or sharing is still welcome here. I'm quite lost, so don't hesitate to post if you feel anything could help

Thanks again,

vinnie77

[isilme]

Hi vinnie77.

Glad you’re working out ways to get centered and focus a bit on you.

Take a good look at the sections on boundaries, and see how a boundary is not usually an ultimatum or a demand (even though to a person with BPD it will likely seem as such) ... but it is something intended to show what behavior you will have in your life and what you won’t.  If you don’t like his drug use, some boundaries will need to be determined to protect and respect your needs.  Pwbpd do not like boundaries.  They often lack them and can’t tell where you stop and they begin. 

If you decide to stay together, it’s possible.  It’s a life long road, even with drastic improvement BPD is there.  Just make decisions with your eyes open.

[vinnie77]

Thanks again.

I've been ok-ish over the last few days but now I'm having a harder time coping -- angst is crawling and I have a constant hole in my stomach. I think it's first and foremost related to my BPDh's absence. Not really -- to be honest -- because I miss him, but more because I'm taking some time for myself and I realize that it is something which is very challenging for me to do. I knew that already. But now, having found out about codependency, I can see that not having to navigate his issues every day makes me really scared that he might go his own way, behave in an even more destructive manner, or simply leave me. As if constantly thinking about him and being present, even when it's for the worse, had that magical power of keeping the relationship alive. I feel like an addict having to let go of the substance, and that's so so hard

The issue of boundaries is therefore spot-on and I'm trying to find a way to define what's ok and what's not. I know for now that it's impossible for me to get back to where things were, so I have to take action regarding his drug use. But, ultimatum not sounding like a relevant option, I have to figure out something else, and I feel pretty stuck right now.

Pwbpd do not like boundaries.  They often lack them and can’t tell where you stop and they begin. 

About this, it makes me think of the time when, a few months ago, my PBDh told me "You are like a compass to me. I look at the way you live and I envy that life, so I want to live it too. Yet when I don't manage to live it I begrudge you; and when I do, I feel that I'm not doing it for me, but for you, so I begrudge you too."

So here I am, feeling like my hands and feet are tied, and trying as hard as possible to focus on the present. He wrote to me on Monday to ask if we could talk, but I don't even know if I should get in touch with him. I don't know what to say right now, and I'm almost certain he doesn't have much to say either, but keeping silent makes me terrified of him drifting away...

[vinnie77]

PS: also when I don’t manage to stay in the present anymore, I keep coming back to the idea of divorce. Not that I want to break up — I’d rather stay in our relationship, but I feel it’s impossible to not enable the addiction of my BPDh by staying married. At the same time, I’m concerned about how threatening to him such a decision could sound, and how bad I could be at holding on to it... Moreover I know that telling him this would somehow be a way to make him react — so we’re back to the ultimatum! What a mess :-/

What do you think?