I am in a cross road again. I'm Exhausted and I need help.

[FaithHope]

Hello,

I'm new here. I signed up yesterday when I came across this site. I'm honestly not comfortable sharing my thoughts here with strangers. I'm also feeling guilty doing this as it's almost like I'm betraying my husband. But after reading different threads, I felt this is the right place to start sharing my thoughts, learn from each other and hopefully make my current situation a better place for myself.

Just a side note, I will need help on understanding the meanings of these: uBPD, pwBPD,uwBPD, hBPD. I took it as past wife with BPD or unwanted wife BPD or husband with BPD. Thanks.

I thank the courage of everyone who posted their thoughts, it helped me understand myself better. In just 2 hours of reading different threads, I already learned that I'm a codependent caretaker and have an echoism traits. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201809/what-makes-person-echoist . This is in addition of having an APD (Auditory Processing Disorder)  https://www.verywellhealth.com/auditory-processing-disorder-in-adults-1048289 . I normally don't comprehend the first 2 words in a sentence, specially in a loud environment.

Having a husband with BPD (hBPD) with my type of traits and disorders, makes the situation worst and frustrating in both of us. I wonder if there's some member who has similar situation who can give me advise. Thanks in advance.

I first known about BPD through my husband. He came across a video about BPD few months ago, and sent me the link admitting he may have BPD. And he nailed it. So, I spent days after that, learning about BPD. It made more sense to me now why I felt exhausted emotionally, mentally and financially as well as the roller coaster emotion rides. The series of walking away from the marriage and lured back in again and again. The guilt..sympathy.. and other feelings that I didn't understand. It got me very very confused. Thank God for the internet.

I felt that I have given more than I could ever give and yet get very little back. I hardly ask for anything but still I get disappointed and frustrated. The worst feeling of it all is that, all the efforts I put in, all the saving him from consequences of his poor actions, other people benefited from it and I ended up the bad person one day or the best person the other (in a good day). It challenged my sanity.

I felt that my cup is near empty. And when I expressed this feeling to him, he also felt his cup is empty. Then I felt guilty for not being able to fill his cup. I felt so tired, exhausted and drained. It almost feels like carrying buckets after buckets of water to help fill up an empty cup that has no bottom. It's very frustrating.

Just this past weekend, I watched series of videos from Ross Rosenberg. He convinced me that a relationship with BPD is not sustainable. My hBPD also convinced me that our marriage is no longer working (while in influence of alcohol). I finally admitted and accepted to myself recently that he is right. When I think about it, this still makes me sad. My hBPD also has alcohol issues, but he is still a good person. I find him 'perfect hBPD' when he's sober, manageable and more focus, very loving.. life is more peaceful... but this only stays a short period of time. It is a shame because he is a smart man, respectable, lots of potential, sensible, and overall a good man.

It is so difficult because you love the man and I know he loves me too and it will break his heart. We are bestfriends. I'm the only person that understands him and he can depend on (or so I think). But I felt I don't have much to give. I honestly felt exhausted.

I'm in a cross road once again. And I guess the very reason I started this post is the hope that I can get some light from my current situation.

How can I get enough emotional strength if I decide to finally leave him? How can I not feel guilty of my decision? How can I refrain myself for going back when he buried his soul to me?

If I decide to stay, how can I keep my own sanity? To not be miserable in tough times? To be emotionally strong? How can I gather strength to not react or activate the triggers when I am being attack?

I'm still confused and exhausted. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance and thanks for taking your time to read my post.

Have a wonderful day!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

We understand how exhausting it can be to be in a relationship with a pwBPD (a person with BPD). Here is a list of acronyms we use on this site: Acronyms

I’m going to move your post to Bettering where you will learn needed skills to manage conflict in your relationship whether you stay or leave.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi FaithHope,

I'm honestly not comfortable sharing my thoughts here with strangers. I'm also feeling guilty doing this as it's almost like I'm betraying my husband. But after reading different threads, I felt this is the right place to start sharing my thoughts, learn from each other and hopefully make my current situation a better place for myself.

I'm glad you decided to sign up. It's important to have a soft place of support who can walk beside you and build you up. As you say yourself, you feel like you have give all you can give and that your cup is empty. So it's important that you take care you you. Coming here can be part of that. I hope you feel okay about it as you continue to read and post here.

Just a side note, I will need help on understanding the meanings of these: uBPD, pwBPD,uwBPD, hBPD. I took it as past wife with BPD or unwanted wife BPD or husband with BPD. Thanks.

Hm, I think there's a list somewhere. Here's the rundown:
u=undiagnosed
pw= person with / people with
uw= undiagnosed wife
h= husband.
So uhBPD is for example undiagnosed husband with BPD.

Having a husband with BPD (hBPD) with my type of traits and disorders, makes the situation worst and frustrating in both of us. I wonder if there's some member who has similar situation who can give me advise. Thanks in advance.

I think you'll find that there are. I myself, for example, had strong care-taking traits and was high on the co-dependent scale. I also have issues with sensitivity to noise and busy places. What's for sure is that people here will truly understand how you feel, and you'll find stories similar to your own.

How can I get enough emotional strength if I decide to finally leave him? How can I not feel guilty of my decision? How can I refrain myself for going back when he buried his soul to me?
If I decide to stay, how can I keep my own sanity? To not be miserable in tough times? To be emotionally strong? How can I gather strength to not react or activate the triggers when I am being attack?

Hard questions. Important, but hard. In any case, you have taken a huge first step, in coming here. As you post and read, you'll see that there are skills and tools you can work on to help yourself and make it easier for you at home. It can sound like a lot, you are exhausted, but I promise it will lower tensions some at home and in turn give you space to breath. Take it at your own pace, we'll walk beside you where you are.

These relationships are typically messy, with the highest highs and lowest lows.
What can you do to take care of you right now? 

[FaithHope]

Thank you Cat Familiar and Scarlet Phoenix for your responses. They are very insightful.
You're right, I think I did the right first step. I feel a bit lighter.

This is a great site. Thank you for the team behind the creation and maintenance of this site as well as all the members participating in different discussions. Didn't realize how helpful it is to have a support group outside your family and friends who truly understands what you're going through without judgement on your choices and to pwBPD.

Cheers!

[MiseryMarriage#3]

Just this past weekend, I watched series of videos from Ross Rosenberg. He convinced me that a relationship with BPD is not sustainable. My hBPD also convinced me that our marriage is no longer working (while in influence of alcohol). I finally admitted and accepted to myself recently that he is right. When I think about it, this still makes me sad. My hBPD also has alcohol issues, but he is still a good person. I find him 'perfect hBPD' when he's sober, manageable and more focus, very loving.. life is more peaceful... but this only stays a short period of time. It is a shame because he is a smart man, respectable, lots of potential, sensible, and overall a good man.

I don't know that I would allow anyone to convince you of what is or is not sustainable except your own self.  Meaning, we can listen to good advice but at the end of the day you have to do what YOU believe to be the right thing for you, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.  Boundaries and consequences seem to be in order.  Is he willing to quit drinking to save the marriage?  Have you given him a timeline or even yourself? Like this is what I would like to see happen and if not I plan to leave this time next year? It's always helped me anyways.  For example, when deciding to sacrifice for my mom and manager her care, I set certain expectations and said let's give it six months.  Well, six months to the day she hacked it and held up her end of the bargain.  She has been doing so for 4+ years now and we sometimes have to reset the bottom line. 

Same with my hBPD.  The only difference now is that leaving puts me in a bit of a financial pickle, so I tread more carefully.  Sometimes time away from each other can help.  Can you take a vacation or stay with someone for awhile? Men, BPD or not, realize things in absence.  Absence can make the heart grow fonder and possibly motivate change.  I guess that would be the deciding factor.  If you want change or not.  Change is not easy for anyone.  I have found that it takes being a detective to figure out what motivates someone and leveraging my influence to help the process.  For example, as someone's friend, my influence is limited.  As my mom's POA, she is more dependent on me, so from time to time I use my influence.  What does he have to lose/gain by having you or not having you in his life?  That is the question.  The more you fill your own cup and treat it separate from his the better.  Your happiness is influenced by his behavior, but it is not 100% dependent on it.   I have a friend who just went to prison and she is filled with joy because it's an inside gig.  Wierd, but she understands that happiness is circumstantial but joy comes from within.  I have another friend who was cheating on his wife, and when busted she forgave him!  He thought for sure that it was done that it was the nail in the coffin, but when they both had to evaluate the reality of life independent of each other, they realized it was worth doing what it takes to work it out.  They got a fresh start.  BPD is a specific challenge but there's a lot of reasons marriages fail and make it through difficult situations.  The main component in my opinion whether it lasts or not is the willingness of both parties to work at it whatever "it" is.  And there are season to a marriage too.  That dude who cheated then reconciled had love and affection withheld for something like 7 long years.  No luvins.  I would have quit long before that!  Maybe she was wise in understanding her part in the breakdown.  I could be wrong, but BPD makes it complicated, but at the end of the day love can conquer.  My mom was a single parent with serious mental illness, but her love for me motivated her to overcome and be the best parent she could be.  I learned unconditional love and acceptance.  If there is no love reciprocated and there is not a willingness of both parties, that in my opinion is the real problem, not BPD.