Very close friend just got diagnosed with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm blindsided. My very close friend, who is like family to me, just got diagnosed with BPD. She has been there, hearing me go on and on about my husband's BPD, and I'm so concerned that maybe I scared her about it. She just got diagnosed and says she doesn't want to talk about it yet, but how can I be a good friend to her when she is ready to talk?

From my perspective, she's spent years and years in treatment trying to do different things to alleviate the persistent emptiness inside of her and now she finally has a diagnosis that she can work with. I know she's one of the rare types who is really dedicated to self improvement, and I know she'll follow regimens and be successful in her treatment. How can I help her to see that this is a good thing for her, when she's ready?

[WitzEndWife]

I'm blindsided. My very close friend, who is like family to me, just got diagnosed with BPD. She has been there, hearing me go on and on about my husband's BPD, and I'm so concerned that maybe I scared her about it. She just got diagnosed and says she doesn't want to talk about it yet, but how can I be a good friend to her when she is ready to talk?

From my perspective, she's spent years and years in treatment trying to do different things to alleviate the persistent emptiness inside of her and now she finally has a diagnosis that she can work with. I know she's one of the rare types who is really dedicated to self improvement, and I know she'll follow regimens and be successful in her treatment. How can I help her to see that this is a good thing for her, when she's ready?

[Harri]

Hi.

It really is great news that she has an accurate (I hope) diagnosis.

I think just accepting where she is at is the best way to support her. 

When she is ready, spend most of your time listening.  Let her figure out her own way through this with her therapist and be a secondary support. 

I think if it were me in your position and she said something about my (your husband) I would say you are not my husband and the situations are different.  Be as brief about it as possible, let her lead.   She may be able to see the difference between the way you talk about her husband and the way you support her so I would not stress too much about it.

Does that help?

[Turkish]

Ouch. That sounds awkward.

The good thing is that you have the Bettering/Validation Tools to help, yes? Being a friend is a better position that being in a familial or romantic relationship. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi WEW-

Like Harri and Turkish, I agree that you primarily listen and provide support to your dear friend.  I would perhaps add that it must be a relief to finally have a clearer answer that could provide a good path to proper therapy techniques.  And yes, emphasize that the love and friendship you share doesn’t change, but can grow stronger.  

And heck, if she’s REALLY open, as her therapy progresses, perhaps ask her if you can practice certain communication tools with her to see how they sit with her.

Her diagnosis doesn’t change how much she means or who she is to you.  Make sure she knows that now... maybe a friendship “love” note.  I don’t think you want her to think you’re “afraid” of her, right?  

Is my line of thinking too codependent?  Sorry... I’m one, too.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Notwendy]

I think I would just listen and tell her you are here for her if she wants to talk about it, or just hang out and do something. She may not want to talk about it for a while. If you google it, there would be many posts about how much someone with BPD has hurt them. It must be tough to read those, for someone with BPD who is self aware.

As tough as the label is, it gives her direction and what to work on. BPD is a spectrum and not all are at the severest end. I think her willingness to share the diagnosis and to work on it are positive signs.

With you working on co-dependency, this is a good time to practice being supportive but not crossing over the line to trying to fix or do too much. If she's upset about the label - let her manage this. It's part of her work to do - to manage her feelings. Be present for her, but don't try to fix her feelings.