A new kind of block

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been here a few times. I’ve been on a sort of relationship w a guy for 10 months now. I can barely say it’s a relationship. We have been talking barely for 9 months and have yet to see each other in that period of time. He cancels atthe last minute on plans, flakes and does all kinds of odd things. Generally he only connects sexually. But I’m not here for advice on all of that. He is a bdl male I suspect w heavy narcissistic tendencies. I really don’t even know him that well but we’ve done a dance for 9 months and can’t seem to leave each other’s lives. Until 2 weeks ago.

So here’s where I need help. I’ve noticed his pattern. In life. It seems he picks up some kind of hobby or obsession and it’s kind of his life for some period of time. Two weeks ago his phone number disconnected. He blocked me everywhere (he has never done this to me -FULLY blocked me), his Instagram went private and he went off the grid. I suspect some kind of depression of reinvention of himself to a new person where he cuts everyone out and makes all new friends and a life. I have since contacted him and he has only said horrible things and to leave him alone. He shows small signs of wanting me to stay in the “leave me alone” but not many. But he has said leave me alone many many times before to me. It’s just this time prior to leave me alone he went dark. I didn’t even know he was gone until I tried calling his number and it was disconnected. I just happen to know another number of his so I tried it. He blocked it too. It took me a few different attempts to finally get through to him w a service that allows for me to change numbers. Now he has yet to block me but is telling me to stay away.
Long story short, do I stay or go? Has anyone had experience de with someone reinventing them self and leaving all contacts behind? If so what are their thoughts? Do they think that no one cares about them when they leave them behind? He keeps telling me I’m delusional and that we were nothing which is partly true. Bit he is also saying he told me to go away for 9 months which isn’t true. I don’t know if I should make sure I let him know I’m there for him. Give him some space and then stay. Or if he is justgone? I’m so conflicted. Except for when we met, he has never really left me like this. He has told me to leave him alone and come back within 3-5 days manytimes. But never this long. And has never gone off the grid without a word. What do I do? I want to stay bc I think he wants me too. But all words point to nonway. Don’t stay. I don’t want you too at all.

[Jbombjas]

I’ve been here a few times. I’ve been on a sort of relationship w a guy for 10 months now. I can barely say it’s a relationship. We have been talking barely for 9 months and have yet to see each other in that period of time. He cancels atthe last minute on plans, flakes and does all kinds of odd things. Generally he only connects sexually. But I’m not here for advice on all of that. He is a bdl male I suspect w heavy narcissistic tendencies. I really don’t even know him that well but we’ve done a dance for 9 months and can’t seem to leave each other’s lives. Until 2 weeks ago.

So here’s where I need help. I’ve noticed his pattern. In life. It seems he picks up some kind of hobby or obsession and it’s kind of his life for some period of time. Two weeks ago his phone number disconnected. He blocked me everywhere (he has never done this to me -FULLY blocked me), his Instagram went private and he went off the grid. I suspect some kind of depression of reinvention of himself to a new person where he cuts everyone out and makes all new friends and a life. I have since contacted him and he has only said horrible things and to leave him alone. He shows small signs of wanting me to stay in the “leave me alone” but not many. But he has said leave me alone many many times before to me. It’s just this time prior to leave me alone he went dark. I didn’t even know he was gone until I tried calling his number and it was disconnected. I just happen to know another number of his so I tried it. He blocked it too. It took me a few different attempts to finally get through to him w a service that allows for me to change numbers. Now he has yet to block me but is telling me to stay away.
Long story short, do I stay or go? Has anyone had experience de with someone reinventing them self and leaving all contacts behind? If so what are their thoughts? Do they think that no one cares about them when they leave them behind? He keeps telling me I’m delusional and that we were nothing which is partly true. Bit he is also saying he told me to go away for 9 months which isn’t true. I don’t know if I should make sure I let him know I’m there for him. Give him some space and then stay. Or if he is justgone? I’m so conflicted. Except for when we met, he has never really left me like this. He has told me to leave him alone and come back within 3-5 days manytimes. But never this long. And has never gone off the grid without a word. What do I do? I want to stay bc I think he wants me too. But all words point to nonway. Don’t stay. I don’t want you too at all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jbombjas]

I just want to say I’m in so much pain too. I’ve been crying for days. I’ve been going awfully nuts on him. I went nuts trying to find him. Make sure he was ok. He was silent for quite a while. It was only until I texted him from many different numbers that he replied. I’ve just never experienced him disappearing w a total block on my before. Usually he leaves a door open. Now that he has this number of mine the door is open again. He has not blocked me. But he keeps telling me to go away. So I just don’t know if it means he needs space and I’m overloading him w emotion or he’s gone forever. He’s just never left this long before. And he has never shut off all communication from me. He only ignores me when he needs space usually. 2 weeks is a long time for him.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jbomb-

I’m really sorry you’re so sad and struggling with this right now.  I just read through the history of what you’ve posted over the last 7 months describing the rs with your uBPDbf / friend.  It’s been obviously unsettling for you (both), with a lot of push / pull.

Here’s my take.  You and he have developed your “dance” so to speak, over the last 10 months.  There seem to be few boundaries or conditions for his behavior or words - you have stayed available to him.  He has made and canceled plans and you have remained available for him.  He has gone silent in the past, and blocked you, and you have welcomed him to reinitiate contact with you.  Tho’ you may have “scolded” him for pulling a disappearing act?  Have you scolded him? 

There is something about his action now that feels different to you.  This feels more personal, even though you haven’t said that - perhaps that’s a hard thing to say?  It FEELS personal.  And despite the fact that you’ve stated all along in your posts that you were aware this wasn’t a real “relationship”, it is fair to say you’ve come to rely on these interactions to meet an emotional part of you.  You’re bound to feel sadness for awhile.  And to have unanswered questions.  I’m sorry.

Have you seen evidence that he’s somehow changing his whole persona?  Some pwBPD can tend to do something similar, known as mirroring... but this normally has to do with taking on interests of a new lover.  I may be wrong, but it’s generally more apparent in women with BPD.  Although my uBPDbf adopted my ways of thinking.

Finally, he knows how to reach you.  As difficult as this is, I believe your only choice right now is to step back and respect the space.  He has told you in many ways that he currently wants no contact.  Your best chance for future contact from him is to respect his wishes now.

To give yourself peace, and this is really hard, you’ve got to focus on yourself now.  Sometimes our pwBPD force us to stare into a mirror and ask deeper questions about ourselves. 

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jbombjas]

Thank you for your reply. I agree. As difficult as it is to accept, it has never been a real relationship. I just find it odd that someone can keep someone in their life for so long, claiming it is something sexual without even being able to meet to have sex. There must be something more to it than that then. I have written him letter and texts and seen his reaction to them. He has said little to me but my gut tells me there is more. Perhaps I am delusional as he claims.

Yes, it has filled an emotional need for me and I’m afraid maybe it hasn’t for him.i don’t deny that. I have never scolded him for his disappearances. They have always been brief. I have acted rather irrational but he simply blocks me out and returns without a word. This time it’s just strange and part of me wants him around selfishly and is sad and he other part is concerned. His Instagram, going private, has nothing to do with me. I suppose there is a chance there is someone else in the picture as There May always have been but this guy is so aloof, I doubt there is anyone special. I could be wrong.
Yes, I know. I have decided to take a step back. He needs space. With him keeping the doors open and not blocking me through text I feel hopeful he’ll come around but I also know this goes no where. Ever. He is dishonest. Unavailable to anyone, not just me. Unable to communicate. He doesn’t know himself or his feelings and everything is anger. There is little to no hope of him getting any help. He leans heavy narcissistic and is largely controlling and mean and aloof. You cannot tap into him and no one ever will. I guess I cannot be that one who tried to love him any longer. If he comes back I imagine I’ll continue the dance. It is my addiction. As a recovering addict I know what this is. And I’ll continue to try to love him like I always have. But I know. Thank you for your support.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear jbomb-

I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.  I’m hoping some of your sadness has begun to lift.

It definitely sounds as if he’s got a whole host of fears, poor guy.  Doesn’t want to be totally “alone”, yet cannot shed his armor long enough to let you (or likely anyone) close enough to learn the most benign details of his life.  And I’m betting there’s probably some “performance” angst around sex that keeps him from seeing you - especially if you’ve expressed any sensual / sexual confidence.

I think sometimes these people are brought to us for a reason - to make us dig more deeply into ourselves and resolve some intense past issues we THOUGHT were boxed up, yet were never fully put away.  Mine did at least.  That was / is a painful process but I’m finding it long long overdue and very worthwhile.  Have you thought about this possibility for you?

Yea, Jbomb... sometimes it’s not so much about them, but more about us.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jbombjas]

Thank you for checking in. I’m still pretty sad. Haven’t made it to the gym(my biggest obsession) and am smoking a little (bad). I’ve texted him a couple times. It’s just. I’m a recovering addict. As much as I want to stop sometimes I just can’t. It is my addiction and withdrawal I have to deal with now.
I’ve spent my time obsessing and trying to find hope. The odd thing is he keeps replying. I just don’t get it. It’s all filled with hate. Threats. He’s going to get an attorney. I suppose I should feel stupid even posting this & think to stop there. Don’t think I don’t want too. Or that I’m not embarrassed. It’s just addiction doesn’t allow for any of that stuff sometimes. It doesn’t care. I sent something to a spot where he had me blocked and told him so and he immediately went and opened it. And then sent some nasty reply and threat to me. I just don’t understand. Why reply. Why open up the block to reply? If it was me and I truly wanted nothing to do with someone, I’d ignore them at every opportunity. I’d never reply. But it’s hard to put myself into his shoes when his head is going a million miles a minute. It just leaves me in a very confused state. Ignoring me leaves a very clear message.
Yes.  I know this stuff is about me. With 7 years of sobriety under my belt and I know what all those things are. It stinks to face them again but so be it. I’ll survive. I just don’t know the rest. Actions show one thing. Words show another. But geez I look like a crazed woman (partly for him partly selfish I admit) trying to care. Thanks for reaching out. Probably not in the right state of mind right now writing this.

[Jbombjas]

Also thanks for your guesses assessment of him. I think it is spot on and also been my assumption all along so hearing it from someone else is reassuring. Who knows but it’s always been my intuition. I think now he’s so very angry with me. Perhaps so angry he doesn’t even find me attractive right now.. But there’s a part of me that thinks he wants me to keep trying. He responds immediately. He took the block off just to see what I sent. His words sure don’t say it. And man I could end up with a protection order against me which sure could be embarrassing. So I think I need to back off a little and tread lightly. Give him a bit more space and time than I have been. But I truly think he wants me to stay. It really offers me nothing either way. I either recover or I stay in something the goes no where. But I have a lot of love for his sweet fragile heart. After all my selfishness and sadness I want him to be loved the right way. I hope I’m making the right decision. Thanks for listening. This group is surely priceless.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Jbomb-
I’m here and want to talk but we’re having a MAJOR electrical storm so I need to shut down until it passes.  I’ll be back in a bit, ok?

Gems

[Jbombjas]

Thank you. I feel like a crazy delusional person!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Jbomb-

Got waylayed during the storm... always do that!

Can we talk about his “sweet fragile heart” versus the nasty, angry and hate-filled messages he sends to you?  I’m interested in understanding your take on how he attracted YOU to begin with.  I don’t like the term “hooked”.  Some people here say that our pwBPD “hook” us and blah blah blah.  I don’t care for that term because it’s like we’re a fish or something.  We’re not fish.

I’m not sure about a Restraining Order when it comes to texting?  Is that actually possible?  You’re not going by his place, so you’re not physically “stalking” him.  What are you saying in your messages to him?  And what is he saying in response?  And yes, I agree... if he had no interest in contact, he would completely block you.  But I’m not sure how good it is for you to feed into his emotional dysregulation.  It MAY benefit both of you (but you’re really my concern) if you were to take some space and see what transpires.

Do ANY of his communications border on a threat to you?  For instance, if a good friend of yours were to receive these messages, would you feel alarmed at all?

And no, don’t be embarrassed.  This is THE place to lay it all out.  Do any of your friends know about this relationship?

And... accountability.  I know, you don’t like this.  Neither do I.  But we’ve got to be accountable for however we’re interacting, whether it’s “good” or “bad” for us.  Whether he’s good or bad for you.  With 7 years clean, you’re likely beyond engaging with him because you’re in recovery.   You’re doing this because you want to.   It’s okay to say that.  And we can try and figure out the real WHY of it.

Your thoughts?

Gems

[Jbombjas]

Boy you sure are sharp. I’m appreciative for your feedback. I don’t have any problem looking in the mirror. Sometimes it’s hard but this whole interaction has been a good lesson for me.

Let me address each thing. Is he good or bad for me? Hahah. No. He’s def not good for me. I started this whole thing trying to do him right. To love him even when for 2 months I wasn’t interested. Sexually he did actually “hook” me. I’m very sexual and quite captivating to men as such so it’s hard to find a partner that does that to me. He did. I got addicted. And then later I became attached and addicted to his attention. And now I actually care deeply for him. As little as I know him. I’m fully accountable. I take responsibility for my part in the dance. Engaging. The possible trauma bond. The whole thing. And yes. I want it all. Or rather I don’t want to go through the withdrawal. And I don’t want to walk away knowing how terribly it seems I have hurt him.

My messages are short. Many are sexy pics. Again embarrassing bit it’s always been sexual between us. And he likes them. He rushed to the block to open it and get the pic. And then tell me I’m “sexually harassing” him! I always knew as much as I used it as an emotional connection it would go no where if he wasn’t ready or got help. So why not have great sex (even tho we can’t-the irony!) and support his illness with as much love as I could. He just says I’m disgusting and he’s going to get an attorney or he went to the police. I’m
Sexually harassing him. Im gross. He’s said these things before. I imagine it’s part of his dysregulation and I’m not respecting his space. But he also usually goes off the grid when he does this. This time he keeps responding. It’s almost like he wants to get all his anger out at me and he wants me to try. He needs an outlet to let me know how mad he is. he’s still so so angry. Like a hurt angry child. None of responses go past that. He’s harmless. He would never hurt me. And he doesn’t threaten too. He’s just a scared sweet little boy masked in words and anger. That’s why the nasty barely breaks my surface. It doesn’t affect me. I forgive it. It doesn’t hurt me.

Lots of my friends know but they don’t know the extent of things. They know the gist. But they don’t know how crazy I act. I mean I have share it but not every time. It’s addictive behavior and I’m ashamed of it. Impulsive. Definitely defined as crazy. But I can’t stop sometimes. My abandonment, anxious nervous system and pmdd baggage.

I imagine space at this point will be good. I’ll do my best to offer it. I know it’s what best for him. I appreciate your concern for me. I know after I recover from this if he weren’t to come around I’d be fine. I’ll dip into a serious depression but I see it for what it is.

You are truly brilliant. I appreciate your insights and I appreciate you. Thank you.

[Jbombjas]

Ps my behavior isn’t good for me either. I’m not happy with how I’m acting. Bit I also am grateful for the experience to se emyself and improve.

Last I want to say I hope you are safe. Not sure where you are but appreciate you taking the time to be selfless and help me while you are in the midst of chaos yourself. You are appreciated!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Jbomb-

Sex and sensuality are very powerful things... IF the person you’re engaging with has that wiring.  Since my younger days I believed (probably stupid, I know) that each person’s sexual dye was cast, so to speak, the night they were conceived.  If their bio parents made them with passion, then they carried passion.  If the bio parents were simply going through the motions (“is he almost finished?” / “What TIME is that meeting tomorrow?”), then the offspring would sadly view sex as an “obligation”of sorts.

I happily say “gather thee rosebuds while ye may!”  Where my sibling thinks and says “yuck, rosebuds, ewwww”

Over the last 20 years, my best girlfriend and I had delightful and hilarious talks about sex.  Nothing was too much or off base with us.  I’m 61 now and she was just shy of 51 when she died unexpectedly 18 months ago.  I miss her everyday.  I don’t know why this reminds me of her, but every memory is happy.

But I digress way too much.  Sorry, Jbomb.

Even though I haven’t said it yet, what I’m trying to say is that your directness, and teasing, and sexy time texts may have become too overwhelming for him.  Too powerful.  He is afraid.  Most anger is driven by fear.  And if you’re seen as too powerful by him, he may be too exposed.  He’s got too much to “lose” by being near you.  But he doesn’t really know.  Anger. Fear. Fear. Anger.

So here’s what can maybe can help move this thing forward, if you want.  It does take some work and you do care for him.  He is telling you a LOT with his anger.  He is also telling you something by still engaging with you.

You can take this information, read through and study some of the communication tools here and perhaps creatively apply these tools to YOUR relationship.  Something to think about?

After all... nothing changes until something changes.

What do you think?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jbombjas]

You are amazing. Perhaps this was the trigger all along. We were supposed to get together once again and he got angry and flaked. And once again I went nuts on him. Maybe that time he was actually ready and felt vulnerable and I stepped right on his vulnerability.
My prowess is powerful. I’ve always been very open sexually which had become my double edged sword in life. With this man, I’ feel a bit diffferent in that even tho he is completely closed off, sex is his only tool to connect and feel intimacy. I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Those kinds of women are priceless. Fortunately it sounds like you have grieved and while miss her, have fond memories!
I have tried the tools in the past and feel at a loss but I’m willing to do the work. I agree. He IS telling me something by both his anger and engagement. And I’ve always known all of his feelings are just wrapped up in anger, usually it’s fear.
This is where I’m at a loss. In the past I’ve told him that I don’t care. About sexual performance. If he cannot or cannot orgasm. Any of that stuff. Nothing seems to get through. Seems. Everything in that manner has come through as a letter/email. I’m not even sure if he reads it.
Do you have any suggestions on how or what I might communicate? I just don’t think it’s right moving on either. He’s like a wounded child unable to communicate and leaving him this way will only deepen the wound. I want to make things right so he isn’t hurting.
Want examples of what I could say around these kinds of things. Or tips would be helpful. Anything that helps ease his fears physically with me. Or if you want me to tell you what I’d like to say, I can do that too. I’m just truly at a loss. Drawing a black.
Thank you!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Jbomb-

I’m short on time because uBPDbf is coming over to spend the day with me.  Gotta put on my communication tool belt, take a bath, remove all triggers, fluff, buff, pluck, whiten my teeth, locate and extract all migrating hairs and stop laughing at my reflection before he arrives!  And then get ready. 

Gotta remember to put an anxiety pill in my bathroom drawer (just in case) even though I’ve been off them for months.. I never know what woes he brings that I may need to “handle”!  But GOD love him and I do, too.

What I’d like to suggest for you /us to roll over is this... think about, or journal about, all topics of interest he’s discussed over the last 10 months.  Maybe you do a bit of stream of consciousness writing about things he’s tossed out there, places he’s been, things he’s seen, liked, etc and what you’ve said in response to those topics. Examples...cycling, ocean, lakes, boating, skiing, dogs, horses, gardening, trees, redwoods, mountains, favorite foods, hiking, travel locations, etc., you get the picture.  Things you can connect on.

Also, when was the last time y’all tried to meet up and he canceled when you stated you “went nuts”?  And describe what you mean when you say you “went nuts”... your words, tone of voice, volume, etc.  and his reaction.  Did he shut down, yell, use profanity, etc.

If you’re really really honest with yourself, can you see wanting to fully engage with him on a level that involves more than teasing and sex?  It’s fine if you don’t.

And aside from the above, if you already do have some things in mind, what WOULD you like to say to him?

I may not be able to talk until tomorrow, but this may take you until then.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jbombjas]

Thanks Gems.

I’ve got some more thinking to do. Love your first two paragraphs. Oh the things we go through for these men!

Yes, I’d like to connect on a deeper level with him (I think-I mean gosh I’d like to know him well enough to decide but I think I do) but he keeps it strictly sexual. I just don’t think it’s possible. And I’m ok w it. He is so volatile and extreme it would probably never work, even if I had every tool down pat. He’s just too scared. Almost since the very beginning it has been hard to connect with him on any level. We have talked very little. We don’t, well he doesn’t share much. And as time has gone on, his communication has gone from daily but only minutes of time each day to nothing. He used to Skype me here n there and the last few times we did it lasted seconds. He always says he’ll call me back but he never does. His fears are that great. And I imagine my emotions and crazy scare him. I’m just not sure as much as I care for him, it’d ever be a good match. I’m far too passionate! I’m Sure it’s what attracts him but also scares him away. So I’m ok with it being sexual and teasing. I do have immense love for him and I’m very attached. But I also see it for what it is. If he ever left (like now) I’d be very devastated for a while. But I’ll never deny what it was.

So with that said, doing what you recommend is hard. Sadly, we have a lot in common but haven’t shared it much. We are both into physical fitness and music. But as far as what he does, who he spend his time with and how he lives his life, im bit clueless. Sometimes I think he has bromances that take his time- idolizing some guy in his latest obsession -currently jiu jitsu - and he spends all his time with the men there socializing. Sometimes I think he just gets high all the time & isolates and feels very lonely and watches porn and goes to work and obsesses over his “training” but goes there and home and that’s it. Other than that his life is lonely. I really don’t know. So I can’t say we’ve shared much intimacy. He’s says there’s no other girls but who knows. He lies constantly. And I’m not really the jealous kind. I don’t care. I want him happy. Bit of he can’t see me, and he pulls w them what he pulled w me when we met, I imagine very very few stick around after a second or third date if they can even get there. He flaked on our second date and his behavior was clear even before it to me. . There’s not a lot of recall I can bring up to bring us closer together. It’s more been me, revealing myself to him. My life. My experiences. My TRANSPARENCY. My love letters and expression. While he remains a mystery. Andike I said. I’m ok with it. Only because I know with his behavior it just won’t go anywhere. I’m here to hopefully have good sex and because I’m extremely codependent and care a lot about him and want to provide him with love of even for as long as this thing lasts between us. As long as I can. He is not reachable on an emotional level.

So I’m open and appreciate your suggestions. Bit really have very little. The only things I’d like to tell him is that it’s ok. I accept him. W any fears. Any flaws. If he has performance anxiety or can’t & anything related to that. I accept him. I don’t judge. I’m here because I care about him. Not just for perfect sex. I am a beautiful sexy woman. I can find that. With many many hot men. This is more. So I understand. And I care. Nothing he does changes the way I feel. Bit I’m a much sweeter softer way. I’d express that.

Me going nuts means endless texts. Tons. It used to be emotional texts but with love. Lately they have become more angry. Telling him how it is without any softness or kindness or love. And being angry. Telling him I’m done. That is why this is a valuable lesson for me. It’s tome to get back to me. The girl who was loving and tolerant. No matter what. I just think he started to respond to a certain treatment. So I continued it. Until he didn’t. And it just doesn’t matter what he responded too. It wasn’t right. Love is the answer. It’s always the answer. My sobriety has taught me valuable lessons in this respect. And I need to get back to those values. Generally my texts are in response to his disappearance. He will disappear for a few days and come back for whatever reason. A flaked get together. A silly mild reason he gets angry w me.  It triggers me so I go nuts trying to hear from him and get a response. A man going silent is my big trigger in life. A partly narcissistic father who always gave me the silent treatment. So I always find these guys trying to heal my childhood wounds. Obviously it never works. Rarely he would disappear and i  would go nuts because of some texting war we got into. I stopped engaging in those a while ago however.

How was your time w your man? Please do let me know. Xoxo

[Jbombjas]

But yes Gems, If i could make it into something more than sex I sure would like to try. I’m just not sure it’s possible.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Jbomb-

We had a good visit.  A funny visit.  We’ve been together for almost 6 years... we’ve been through it.  A LOT.  His lies, cruelty, stealing from me, rages, hating me, abandoning me to drive cross-country by myself, a million things that I’ve forgiven.  I’ve issued ultimatums and he responded because he didn’t want to lose me forever.  He’s way more honest now.  He is a good and giving man (most of the time).  With a horrible and painful childhood.  That never changes.  His past never changes.  As much as I’d like to forget all the things he’s done, it’s important for me to keep those things filed in a corner of my mind.  His impulsiveness remains at his fingertips and always will.  The relationship with his mother boils over into our world - she twists him and I nearly bite a hole in my tongue.  His inclination to rage is ALWAYS at the tip of his tongue.  And I cannot revert to the cowering girl that is the historical me.  My insides are shaking at something that’s coming up, but it’s beyond my control; and now it’s beyond his... I’ll stop.  But yes, it was a fun visit!  We are lovers and best friends.  Today.

So Jbomb-

In reading through what you wrote, there are some things to discuss.  I don’t know his age, or obviously his background or anything about his past.  Has he disclosed anything at all about past relationships to you?  The things you said about his “bromances” with guys he works out with, and then going home, getting high, watching porn and other than that his life being “lonely”.  Which of these are guesses and which has he sort of told you?  Here’s the “lonely” thing.  In color.  My uBPDbf cannot stand most people.  He will tell you he hates most people.  He is extremely intuitive about the WORST character traits any person has, target that, and never want to be around that person again.  Mine is NOT lonely, and would be just fine living a solo existence... that’s how hurt and disappointed he has been by people. 

And that may be the way your man feels.  If your worst angry behavior feels familiar to him (even though HIS behavior has partially fed YOUR reaction) , you may be validating what he already thinks.  AND... this is NOT meant to hurt you, please know this, my friend.  AND, if there is anything in your sexy or sensual behavior that remotely reminds him of ANYONE who was unfaithful to him, boom.  Done.  You will hurt him - that’s how his mind may work.  He’s got to somehow come to understand that how you’re approaching him is reserved for him and no one else.  You’re not going to send sensual pix to him and then go wrap your arms around another man.  Am I making sense?  This is a start.

Again, nothing changes until something changes.  And the change HAS to start with you.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jbombjas]

Gems,
You nailed it! That’s it! And that is him. It’s not loneliness. I’ve never seen him lonely. Just angry and hating peoples and the world. That’s him to the T.

How can I show him? For 9 months I waited to see him. I stopped seeing other men and I had a few believe me! I wasn’t with anyone. I don’t do anything for anyone other than he. He inspires it. He makes me feel good and comfortable. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t do any of that stuff for anyone but him. He’s the one!

How do I tell him or show him?

Man you’re good.

[Jbombjas]

ANd yes. He’s revealed he “survives on anger and caffeine.”  Also that when he was married (very young) she cheated. And it was the one thing he doesn’t tolerate.

[Gemsforeyes]

Ok, Jbomb-

Then maybe that’s it.  The fidelity thing.  THAT is the THING with my man, too!  Here’s my man...  in Fing credibly handsome.  I am cute, not beautiful.  Even tho’ we’re old. 

After we met the first time, I told him I would NOT see him again because my mother told me I could not date men who were prettier than me.  He pursued me like mad.  Would NOT let up.  Thinks I’m drop dead gorgeous.  He has NEVER looked at another woman when in my presence when we’ve been out in public.  Never.  It is honestly unbelievable.

He knows there are two other men who contact me. (Even though he and I have been together for nearly 6 years).  After my best friend died, uBPDbf acted up really terribly and I made him leave (for 8 months).  I wasn’t sure I wanted him back.  But I could NOT see either of the other men... not for lunch, or anything.  I had to be able to say “yes, I was faithful in all ways”.  That’s how much I needed to retain his trust.  That’s how deep it goes.  Man, girl... the relief he felt when he asked me that question... looking at me and asking me if I had been with any other man for any reason.  And I said “No, HB.  Not as long as there’s still love for you.”

So yes, Jbomb... you’ve got to find a way to tell him, that despite the way you tease and play with him, this is especially for HIM.  And ONLY HIM.  Reserved for HIM.

Are you on social media?  I’m not really, so I don’t know much about instagram or anything.  Is that an issue?

Gems

[Jbombjas]

You’re awesome. I will tell him. I write him all kinds of letters and emails. Hopefully he will read it. And luckily I’ve told him that stuff all along. So even if he may have felt slighted for a second, I may be able to move the course back. My case is the same as yours. He chased me for 2 months and I stayed away. Moreso bc I saw his illness from the get go and I wanted something healthy. I have men around. I’m not gonna toot my own horn but I’m 42, have a workout obsession and a curvy sexy body that kills! And well, I’m quite damn pretty. So it probably makes him very self conscious. But he’s is damn sexy too. Like make my heart melt and body weak sexy. Pretty perfect in my eyes. And he’s 36. But yes. I’ve told him all along. He’s the only one. I’ve stopped with the other men. I really just don’t have an interest. He captures my attention. I only deviate and chat and entertain the idea when he’s not available. But it never comes to fruition. He’s the one for me. I want him. He even asks sometimes and I’ll tell him it’s just him.  I’m even attracted to his volatility. It shows how soft and sweet he is in there. With as little as he gives he still has me that b! Hahaha. Sounds like we are very similar and so are these men we associate with. It’s interesting to bc you read so much about pwbpd being cheaters and I don’t see my guy tjisnway at all. It sounds like he even stopped a other womenbit is somehow only barely talking to me. Who knows if that’s the truth but maybe it is. He always seems to find me so beautiful & I feel awfully confused by that as he is just perfection. Maybe it’s the ale case as yours. Maybe he’s a faithful kind of guy just full of all other kinds of issues and fear. Oh man. Hahahaba.

You are so on point. You have nailed it every time. Hopefully he will listen and read. I think he is.
Fingers crossed he reads what I wrote. I’m never sure if he does or doesn’t.

[Jbombjas]

So glad we crossed paths. And glad you had a nice time. Sounds like you two have really come a long way in your relationship but that sure has created some lovely intimate bonding for you both. Lovely. ❤️❤️

[Gemsforeyes]

You know, Jbomb, pwBPD generally have an issue with object permanence. 

So where you and I would experience “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, they would be more apt to experience “out of sight, out of mind”.

Sometimes I take space from him, when he periodically does bad things, says mean things. To pwBPD, if you tell them they did a “bad” thing, they can interpret that to mean they’re a BAD PERSON.  My bf loves to garden and placed some beautiful orchids for me, which I cherish.  He also LOVES my service dog.  If we’re apart following an “episode”, so he remembers me and that I still love him, I send him a pic of my dog smiling or of the flowers.  It softens everything up.  He feels good.  He knows he’s been forgiven.

He still needs to take responsibility and apologize and admit that he knows he hurt me.  I’m teaching him about empathy through what he sees missing in a political figure who ENRAGES him.  And it’s sticking.

It’s all a fascinating lesson.

I will tell you, though.  If he wasn’t such a good man inside, I would NOT be doing this.  He is a good man.  And he’s a great cook!  My ex-H was not a good man (19 years there).  Good GOD... 

I really hope you can find out if you love him.

But  Jbomb, I think you’re going to have to see if you can get one step beyond the physical.  He’s too afraid of that to start.  He’s thinking she’s going to leave through the back door if I say a word.  And I can’t keep my mouth shut.  So how do you get the first brick out of the wall?

Gotta strategize... email a song?

Gems

[Jbombjas]

Oh man. This is just too much. I send him songs all the time. All the time. I declare love and send love letters. That’s why sometimes I just think it’s impossible and accept it for what it is. I know he’s a good man in there. Bit he may just never show it.
I also understand the object permanence thing. That’s why I don’t go. Well there’s a few reasons. Selfishness and fear. And I don’t want him ever to think I LEFT HIM or DIDNT CARE. So I stay. Bit I’m a little nuts. So I probably remind him a bit too often! Your tips are a bit nicer. I’m going to think of some good ones! I actually thought of buying him a nice shirt to send as a gift t surprise him. He’s so into camo. Might be a nice surprise and catch him off guard to let him know I noticed that he likes it.
I do tell him these things aren’t ok but I have said he’s isn’t a mad person for them. I understand that concept. I let him know I’ll always forgive him. He gets that. I do think he needs to hear it over and over tho. The not a bad person part. Just because you say something once or twice doesn’t mean it’s reinforced. These guys need constant reassurance I think. 

More amazing suggestions. You sure do get this stuff. And definitely this guy. IN Love or not I want love him. I want him to be loved. And that will never change.

[Jbombjas]

Oh man. You are amazing. More ideas. He’s never met my kitten but I know he thinks he’s the cutest.  A persian kitten. Sometimes I send him pics of him. Another amazing idea! Wow. I just cannot begin to thank you enough for all of these breaonstomed ideas. You are an angel from above!

[Harri]

this thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338104.0