Finding it hard to move on & I am thinking about contacting her.

[bflare]

I was with my ex just over 2 years but knew her for a total of 6. I was very co-dependent & she loved this. I was basically always there for her. I did ridiculous things such as waking her up on a morning by phoning her over 30 times & making myself late for work. I borrowed her money, did shopping for her amongst other things. I became her fixer. At the start her behaviour was erratic. She would start arguments then block me on social media. She would verbally abuse me then blame her actions on me. I took all this & would often apologise. She needed for me to be in contact with her almost 24/7. If I didn’t respond to her text messages immediately, she would harass me until I did & call me ignorant. This happened constantly whilst I was at work even after numerous discussions explaining that I was busy sometimes & I couldn’t answer the phone. She would constantly accuse me of talking to other women when I wasn’t although I do believe she was talking to other guys. She said she couldn’t lie but I caught her out loads of times. She had no friends because they were all jealous of her or bitches apparently. She called me fat, ugly grotesque & I was beneath her.

The biggest issue was the break ups. She broke up with me 30 times in 2 years over stupid things until I said enough was enough. The last time in October 2018 she said she didn’t love me anymore. This was around the time I started setting boundaries & she said I wasn’t caring as much anymore. We broke up & then she tried apologising & even tried to say it was my fault because I was talking to other women that’s why I wasn’t as caring. She took no responsibility & couldn’t understand that I wouldn’t take her back because I was sick of all the break ups. We tried friends which didn’t work because she said I was no longer her priority. What I found strange was that we only saw each other once per week. She was so possessive but didn’t like spending a lot of time with me in person. She said she felt suffocated after just a couple of days. She wanted marriage & to have kids, but my intuition told me not to go for any of this.

I have no idea if she had BPD but a few people have suggested that she may have. What is for sure is that she was abusive & the relationship was toxic. Before I blocked her on Facebook, I witnessed her looking for her new supply. She would post meme about how she wants a boyfriend who give her all of his attention. She had this one guy drool over her. Telling her how much he loved her & how he would do anything for her. She actually belittled him on a post & he just took it. She started dating him & this made me see that she was testing him to see if he would stay while she abused him. She always said to me that she liked me because I never left even when things were _____! There were just so many red flags. She had a habit of adding ex partners or guys who she previously liked on Facebook to make them ‘jealous’ when we started dating. She said she always got her revenge.

I haven’t heard anything from her in almost 9 months but I find myself missing her a lot & I am tempted to contact her even though she is in a relationship. I don’t think she actually cares about me especially as Ignored her email telling me that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I ignored this because I believe it was a charm attempt & she had lied to me in the past about some serious stuff. I keep thinking now that I know about BPD & could act differently with her. Maybe I wasn’t as understanding as I could have been. Maybe it was her upbringing.

The first 6 months of the break up was horrendous as I was snooping on her Facebook & she was constantly posting things to make me jealous. These posts were made public which she never did previously as she knew I would be looking. She added all the old acquaintances too just to triangulate them all. I blocked her & her new boyfriend a few months ago & I am finding it a little easier although I still miss her each day. It’s really getting to me now & making me depressed. I believe I am trauma bonded to her due to the cycle of breaking up 30 times.

Any advice please? I know deep down it would be bad to contact her & it would just give her another option to abuse me that’s if she even replied.

[Lucky Jim]

I know deep down it would be bad to contact her & it would just give her another option to abuse me that’s if she even replied.

Hey bflare, Why are you agonizing over this question when, on some level, you already know the answer?  It seems like you are beating yourself up, to what end?

Maybe these questions will help to clarify your path.

LuckyJim

[Starfire]

First, ask yourself what you hope to get out of the contact, and whether you will actually get it.  Some reflection may lead you to a decision.

Second, time is your friend although it may not feel like it right now. Everyone mourns on their own timeline, and make no mistake, you are in mourning. You've lost something you really wanted. Perhaps more time will help?

[bflare]

Hey bflare, Why are you agonizing over this question when, on some level, you already know the answer?  It seems like you are beating yourself up, to what end?

Maybe these questions will help to clarify your path.

LuckyJim

I appear to miss her although I think I just miss what she gave me. I do know the answer I think. I know things would never change. I just want those good feelings back without the bad bits. Plus I often find myself wondering whether it was just all my fault.

[bflare]

First, ask yourself what you hope to get out of the contact, and whether you will actually get it.  Some reflection may lead you to a decision.

Second, time is your friend although it may not feel like it right now. Everyone mourns on their own timeline, and make no mistake, you are in mourning. You've lost something you really wanted. Perhaps more time will help?

I just want her companionship back & how she made me feel. I feel lonely & broken. I am still mourning & it is getting easier but every day I think that maybe I made a mistake not taking her back. The only way I get rid of these thoughts is by remembering the nasty things she said & the amount of times she had broken up with me. Then I imagine her treating her new boyfriend better than me. I bet she hasn't broken up with him yet like she would constantly do with me.

[Lucky Jim]

I just want those good feelings back without the bad bits. Plus I often find myself wondering whether it was just all my fault.

Hey flare, right, we all want those good feelings back, but the bad bits are all part of the package.  You can't have one without the other in a BPD r/s.  Just the way it is w/BPD.

Agree w/Starfire: you are grieving the loss of the r/s, which is normal.   I recommend that you allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings as they arise and to process them, rather than submerge them, because repressing your sad feelings only prolongs the process.  You may feel anger, too.  Suggest you allow the feelings and let them pass through you.

LJ