BDP Wife says it’s over

[Sad Husband]

Hello all and thank you. My wife of 20 years is undiagnosed, but has all of the symptoms of BDP.  I love her dearly and admire her and we have young children.

She went to a dozen or more therapists in the past and hated them all.  I’ve always know that she’s had an illness, but I always thought that I saw through to the beautiful person beneath it. A few weeks ago, I overreacted to something, and I told her that I want a divorce (I don’t want one—I was just over emotional) and that the relationship is over.  It triggered her, and completely fed her fear of abandonment—to the point that she insisted on the divorce while at the same time telling me that she constantly thinks of suicide. She now says that she has never loved me, and that I have been controlling, abusive, possessive, manipulative, , jealous, etc. for 20 years and that any good she thought she saw was actually me manipulating her through evil means. She says that she will never trust me again. She said that I sabotaged all of her friendships and convinced her that she was worthless.  I thought there's no point arguing about the last 20 years, so I told her that she is right—that I’ve been a terrible husband and I begged for her forgiveness, that I would never want to leave her.  

We’ve had terrible episodes that we’ve gotten over before,, but I never in our marriage had I threatened to leave (which was the trigger for this episode).

I’m afraid that our relationship will never heal from this. She seems to trust me less now everyday, says that she needs her space, and wants to live together only to raise the children. She says that I’m never to touch her, try to console her, tell her that I love her, or to try to have any emotional connection with her whatsoever.  She says that maybe she will learn to like me one day, but that would a long way off and that I shouldn’t count on it. I’m merely the father of her children.  She says that if she had a means to support herself, she would simply leave and take the children with her.

I may be denial. My wife says that I am. What can I do to rebuild the trust?  I’m afraid that it’s not possible because she has now convinced herself that I’m an evil man who systematically destroyed her life. After she told me that, I told her that it seems we’re growing farther apart in the past few days—we went from still holding hands to “don’t touch me ever!”  After I told her that we seem to be growing farther apart, it triggered a mini-episode in which she told me how stupid I am because she wouldn’t be talking things through with me (I.e., telling me how evils I’ve been for 20years)if we were growing apart. I’m sad and I’m confused beyond anything. How do I approach her and rebuild trust? How do I give her space without abandoning her? How do I console without smothering?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Sad Husband,

I'm new here, so much more seasoned people will follow... but on my first post I just wanted *someone* to respond, so will jump in.

I've been through everything you describe with my W, many times.  Fortunately for me, it rarely lasts more than a few days and never more than a week.  She is getting better for the most part and so it is usually less than a day or two now.

What I have always done, even before her BPD diagnosis.  I tell her she is safe with me.  That I love her unconditionally.  That I am hers until she decides she doesn't want me anymore.  While she will doubt anything you say at first, if you are consistent I think she will eventually come around.

There are a couple "tools" they teach here.  Don't JADE (judge, argue, defend, some E (I think).  And do SET (sympathy, empathy, truth).  I think once I get a handle on those two items my life will be much better.

So sorry you are having a tough time.  You are among friends here, it is a great resource.

[Sad Husband]

Thank you for the encouraging words, ventak. I will never give up on her (I hope, but the pain this time is so severe for her and me). It’s so hard to tell her that I love her unconditionally, and she tells me that I don’t know what love is except how to love myself, and that I destroyed her and that she’ll never love me again. These sorts of exchanges happen in perhaps every relationship at some point, but the parties don’t mean it. It sounds like my wife really means it this time.

[BPDGRF36]

Hi Sad Husband.
My situation is very similar to yours.
What has helped me was seeing a counselor weekly to help me cope with grief and feeling like I'm the bad guy.