How to handle self when PWBPD is going to continually have severe depression?

[sotiredofthis]

 
I've accepted that this is a roller coaster. I've accepted that I can't change my partner and can only do my best to not make things worse. I use all the tools on here and have gotten better and better. Things have been pretty peaceful after a separation (requested by me so I could have some peace and calm and get myself together).

And we are now back in the severe depression, hopelessness, not wanting to live part of the cycle for my wife. My wife is on medications, is in therapy and is doing all the 'right' things and this is still her reality.

Knowing this is going to be a continued pattern, I can only take care of me, right? I can do my best to keep life stable, stress-free, financially afloat, etc. and plan fun things that may or not fall in the calm part of her cycle. When fun (amazing, wonderful) vacations that I am seriously looking forward to happen when she is in her most despondent self, I struggle to continue to stay positive and enjoy myself because she is so miserable. (This is happening in three days, I'm returning to my hometown after 26 years away in another country).

Any tips? Support? Ideas on how to stay in my zone and not be pulled into hers? Without seeming callous and uncaring?

Thanks in advance. I really appreciate your support here and even though I don't post much, I read a lot and gain a lot from the information and support here.
Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

When fun (amazing, wonderful) vacations that I am seriously looking forward to happen when she is in her most despondent self, I struggle to continue to stay positive and enjoy myself because she is so miserable.

it sounds like you may not be only supporting a partner with BPD traits, but a partner that may struggle with depression, do i have that right?

in that case, continuing to stay positive and enjoy yourself may be alienating and isolating.

i dont mean to suggest that you shouldnt take good care of yourself and your mental health.

i do mean that you, as a partner, are in a powerful position to help her feel connected and supported.

sometimes, what a person experiencing depression needs most is care, mindfulness, the feeling that someone is fighting that battle with them. that they arent alone in it.

show her that.