Out of my depth

[tiltawhirly]

Hi everyone. First post here. I'm a woman married to another woman for just about a year now. To provide some context, about two years ago, while we were engaged, my partner experienced a significant loss in her life that led to a mental health crisis. At that time she was behaving erratically and it became difficult to manage. I eventually developed some unhealthy coping strategies including shutting down and becoming more absent. As I became aware of my declining mental health, I reached out to my support network and sought help. My partner then swung into a huge depression. She was having suicidal thoughts and lacked any motivation. This persisted into our wedding where she now has little recollection of the weekend and, in fact, feels very negatively about it because of how depressed she was at that time. After about 8 or 9 months, her depression started to lift but then her anxiety just seemed uncontrolled.

At one point she was diagnosed with bipolar II due to the manic like episode. She accepted the diagnosis but thinks that she is smarter than that psychiatrist and that he is an idiot. That psychiatrist is now questioning the diagnosis. Since then she has seen a second psychiatrist who has diagnosed her with ADHD. He has not yet wronged her but I'm just waiting for that moment to occur. She started ADHD meds earlier this week - it calmed her down a lot but she's still super distracted. She's been seeing a psychotherapist twice a week (three times earlier on during the depression) but she goes back and forth between thinking he's the greatest counselor ever, to not trusting him.

When she is highly anxious (which is often), she will speak very abruptly with me (it changes slightly if she speaks to someone else) and recoil from my touch. And then she will tell me that I'm not showing my love and affection or communicating effectively with her and that she needs more physical touch.

I will listen to her rant about work and friends for hours but 5 minutes into me talking about my day at work and she tells me she's bored and that I need to respect her wishes and give her silence.

I started to try to validate her feelings and emotions rather than use logic when speaking with her but it's like she doesn't acknowledge that I'm doing it when I do - then chastises me for not doing it when I make one mistake.

I'm almost at my wits end. Last night I broke down and balled in the bathroom for 10 minutes and contacted my friend who invited me over to get a break from it all. So I told my wife my plan, that I was planning on visiting my friend and needed some time to myself. Her demeanor changed instantly, she apologized if her behaviour upset me and asked if she could come because she couldn't bear to be apart from me. I stuck to my guns and said I needed time to myself to decompress.

When I came home, she was super depressed and crying. She asked me to sit with her so I did, and I listened, and I validated her feelings. After a while it was getting late and I suggested we go to the bedroom so that I could get ready for bed as it was a work night. She sulked and didn't have the motivation to do so, so I persisted and encouraged her to come with me. Then all of a sudden she flipped and was angry at me for "always" putting my needs before hers. When I told her that I respectfully disagreed and that this was an important conversation that we should have when she is feeling better she followed me into the bedroom and lectured me about how I was the cause of her depression last year and how I would be the trigger leading to her killing herself moving forward. She kept saying that she knew what the trajectory would be with her mental health, that she would inevitably fall into a deep depression at any time and would need help to get out or she would kill herself.

All I could say was that I understood that it sucks to feel that way and that she shouldn't have to live her life feeling like that. That I wish I knew how to help but I just don't have the tools.  The only tool I have is to call for help, which would mean calling 911.

Eventually she ended going out to our balcony for a long time (I think she fell asleep). I can't help but think she was trying to make a statement or trying to scare me or something. Eventually I went out and asked her to come in to bed and she came.

I've reached out to her family who are planning some sort of intervention or meeting to discuss what the plan of action should be to support both of us.

It's just so disheartening to feel like you're putting 110% into someone and they see only 10% of it. I think of marriage to be like a boat... your partner should be a sail, not an anchor. We've both been anchored down for a while and I just want to know if that anchor can eventually get pulled up off the bottom of the ocean.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[LoneRanger307]

It sounds like you are staying strong through a very hard time in your relationship! I hope the intervention goes well! What support do you have for yourself?

[tiltawhirly]

Thanks for your response. I have been seeing my own counsellor for a few months now as well as a psychiatrist (I myself am followed for bipolar II). We also have started seeing a couples counsellor but have only had 3 visits and I’m not certain how much the marriage counsellor has picked up on in terms of BPD in my wife. My personal counsellor and psychiatrist both individually suggested I read up on BPD after hearing some of my challenges that I was experiencing with our relationship.

I also have very supportive friends and my mother who are my sounding board when I need to hear from someone else if my boundaries that I’m setting are reasonable. They’ve also offered me a place to stay if I need space or like yesterday, if she locks me out of the apartment indefinitely.

I’ve let them know that I’m reaching the end of my rope and am unsure how much longer I can manage being on this rollercoaster. I want to be there for my wife because I know she’s in pain and she’s suffering. But it’s at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. The message that I’m consistently getting from others is that this is out of my realm of control or ability to help, and that I need to call for help (literally - to call 911) when she has another flare up. I understand what they are saying and would suggest that to anyone else in the same situation, but I feel crippled with fear that she will lash out at me in response. I get that it is for the greater good, but the fear of her hating me for doing it just paralyzes me for some reason.

[Red5]

tiltawhirly writes,
I will listen to her rant about work and friends for hours but 5 minutes into me talking about my day at work and she tells me she's bored and that I need to respect her wishes and give her silence.

I experienced this as well in my own marriage... exactly as you describe tiltawhirly,

It’s always amazed me how our significant others whom we suspect are borderline, either dx or not, seem to engage in the behaviors exactly the same, almost without exception,

I understand what they are saying and would suggest that to anyone else in the same situation, but I feel crippled with fear that she will lash out at me in response. I get that it is for the greater good, but the fear of her hating me for doing it just paralyzes me for some reason.

I too have been in this frame of mind, both in my previous marraige as well this current one... I remember thinking what you are saying, I was afraid I would anger her, if I took drastic action due to her suicidal ideation... afraid to even consider what the consequences would even be if she did go to far, codependency.

Hang in there and keep posting tiltawhirly,

Kind Regards, Red5

[tiltawhirly]

Since I last wrote, I decided to take a break from all of this drama and spend an afternoon/evening with my family. I packed an overnight bag just in case we decided it was better for us to keep some space or in case she locked me out again. I let her family know my plan and that she was going to be home by herself. An hour later her parents made the decision to drive 2 hours to pick her up and another 2 hours to drive her back to their place. She's been there for the past three nights. They keep me updated on how she's doing and have been asking me questions about her medications (they're both family physicians). She called me a couple of nights ago and was very sad and just wanted to hear my voice. I told her that I love her and that I would call her again the next night. So I called last night - she started off ok and then quickly it declined and she was no longer responding to me, and when I would repeat my questions a few times and ask if she still wanted me on the phone she would give very short and curt responses. After a while of this, I told her that I was not able to tell what she needed from me over the phone but that I would call her again tomorrow night and that I hoped she felt better.

Her father is convinced that she's experiencing negative effects from medication interactions - but I tried to explain to him that this behaviour has been ongoing and started before the new medication came into the picture. I said she needs professional help. Then he stopped texting... I think he's having a hard time processing what's been happening. Her mother is a bit more receptive though also a bit unsure.

I'm not sure what I should do... should I continue to speak with her daily? I seem to be a trigger of hers which then upsets me - I can't seem to figure out the balance of letting her know I'm not abandoning her but also establishing my boundaries to protect myself. 

Am I crossing any boundaries by speaking to her parents so bluntly about her behaviours and her need for professional help?