How to respond to my BPD son when he blames us parents for everything

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello family
My DS24XBPD is now relatively stable after bolting from rehab. He is probably still using drugs but has not been high when visiting us. That is good. The problem is he still blames his father and I for all his problems. It is our fault he was hospitalized, arrested etc. He sees no connection between his behavior and the results of his behavior. So here is my question. How can I respond to his accusations in a validating way without validating the invalid? I mean can we work on a script for me? For example. DS says "You are the reason I got arrested and locked up in the psych ward. It was all your fault. You never understood me. You keep f-ing up my life." I respond how?
Thanks in advance for your help. I always think the responses we work on together are better than what I come up with on my own.
Hugs
Faith

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomSA]

Hello Dear Faith,

I am glad for the good news in this post.

Our daughter uses the same language about her arrest, rehab, trauma at rehab etc. We asked her therapist and he said the following at different times which I have collated.

"Their sense of self doesn't allow for acknowledging their part in the situation. They cannot handle the blame and subsequent guilt. They will continue to use this perceived abandonment by you as parents as a weapon to hurt you. They want you to hurt as much as they do. They want you to take the blame for their choices so they shift it in their thinking to you being the one who did it to them. It is best to avoid all discussions of this time."

So what I do is the following...I say a few standard lines.
I am sorry you feel that way
It must be hard feeling that way
Would you like to speak to your therapist about that?

If she carries on and gets disregulated - or i see the signs of it coming (short sharp tone, red face, swearing) - I will say to her, I am not willing to talk to her if she continues to get agitated. I have had to leave her room gently and quietly many times to her ranting.

Knowing how she feels about abandonment and not being validated, I can see where her ranting about how we messed things up for her comes from and not take it personally and therefore can respond and not react in pain and because of false accusation.

I have now got the the point where I do not discuss her arrest, rehab or the reasons she went. I feel this is the hardest part because I want her to see she was on a path of destruction and we had to halt her in her tracks...but she cant see, so we leave it as unresolved and just say our standard lines.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks MomSA
Leaving it alone and just validating the feeling without taking it personally may be the right way to go.

[Bluemoon23]

Thanks MomSA. This is really helpful for me as well. And thank you Faith for asking this. I will now do my best to come from that place with those kinds of phrases when I see the convos with my son going down that road. That's very helpful.

[livednlearned]

I wonder how this would go over, too:

"You are correct I called 911. I feared for your safety and mine. It is much better lately when we're together. I see no reason to make an emergency call when I know you and I are safe."

After years of validating so much, I'm beginning to see that I did more SEt than seT with SD22. With her particular brand of BPD strategies, she was able to cover a lot of ground. She isn't dangerous in the way your son can be, but for some reason I still had a hard time setting boundaries with her.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is what I often do say, LandL. Maybe I will try again.

[livednlearned]

In Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD she talks about validating memories along the lines of, "It must've been awful to end up in the psyche ward. But that was then and this is now. What are we going to do going forward?"

Or "I realize that calling the police and being admitted to the psyche ward had to be so difficult. No wonder you are angry."

Then wait and see how he responds.

Later, if he returns to baseline, that's the time to follow up with the t in SET.

I also have to keep reminding myself that validation is generous listening and if I am not feeling generous, that's what my BPD loved one will feel. The words won't mean anything because I'm not in a place where I feel genuinely supportive.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks, L and L. That is wise advice.

[StressedOutDaily]

Wow such wise advise here .  ...thank you FHL for asking the question (I had come on line to ask a similar question)

~SOD

[FaithHopeLove]

There is a lot of collective wisdom in this group.

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

I’m glad your son has stabilised somewhat and able to visit you.

The problem is he still blames his father and I for all his problems.

There are two versions of “truth”. I learnt that I was unable to correct his ideas directly. I couldn’t reason with him.

There’s two things going on here.

Your son needs it to be your fault (for now) because he is splitting off from his own negative feelings.  

Also, I think you need to find a way to protect yourself from his dumping of anger/negativity.

I accepted his feelings. I knew my truth. I found it best to not discuss problems or the past if I could help it. My priority was: to form a deeper connection and learn how to have a healthier relationship. I avoided buzz kills and lightened the mood - it was my protection. You may call this avoidance. Even invalidating the invalid - something I’ve found the most challenging to overcome. My point is: my relationship came first above everything else that had happened in the past. It was like me drawing a line in the sand, that was then this is now. I told my son that I would work hard at getting along better, he felt it by my actions. I stopped talking most of the time and listened - when we did talk it was about nothing important.

Is your son raising the point?  Is it possible do you think to steer to some middle ground to chat about? How are the tone of his visits?

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks LP
That makes a lot of sense. I haven't really had much conversation with my son sonce he got out of the hospital. My H has. He tells me DS is in the blame game. That is why I am preparing for DS's next visit. I like what you are saying about focusing on listening and on the relationship and letting his truth be his truth for now. I think I can do that.
Hugs
Faith

[MomSA]

My point is: my relationship came first above everything else that had happened in the past. It was like me drawing a line in the sand, that was then this is now. I told my son that I would work hard at getting along better, he felt it by my actions. I stopped talking most of the time and listened - when we did talk it was about nothing important.

This is something I would like to confirm. Yesterday in a joint meeting with dd, dh, T and I he said the same thing.

"We are not dealing with then, we are dealing with now, so our conversation will focus on how we can heal and build from here on." Thats how he started the meeting and it was productive.