Today I turned my anger into compassion with great results

[Only Human]

Hello Family!

DD26 has had a rough few days which trickles down to GS4.5 getting the brunt of her dysregulation. Nothing he does is right, and that triggers his ODD tendencies. It's heartbreaking and I've been getting all worked up, ticked off, and angry, thinking, "Geeze! If you stop yelling at him and chill the out, try to find something positive he's doing, he will be more compliant!"

It turns out I wasn't taking my own thought-advice!

Today, we were all set to go out to buy strawberry plants. GS did something DD didn't like, and she withdrew her agreement to join us. Things went downhill after GS and I got back home so I took him out to the front yard for some water fun, giving DD about 45 minutes to herself and her garden (a source of both joy and frustration for her, depending on how things are going out there).

At lunchtime, she knocked a glass full of Kool-aid off the counter and began crying and getting worked up. GS was playing with a balloon and said, "Mommy made a mess and now she has to clean it up. It's not my mess." I said, "You're right, but it's okay if we help her. Here, why don't you hand mommy this towel?" He happily brought the towel over and lunchtime went fairly smoothly, followed by wind-down time.

I came into my room to hang with my elderly dog who hasn't eaten much in three days and whose right eye doesn't look "right." I heard DD ragging on GS and GS being defiant and got all worked up in here, thinking, "I can't do this anymore! She has to leave!"

Then, I heard GS screaming (wind-down time being over sometimes causes him to lash out) and held my breath. I heard DD say, "I know you're upset, I'm going to hold you." GS stopped screaming and started crying. Bathroom, story time, and GS is sleeping peacefully.

Before story time, this text exchange happened:

Me: I heard you say you're having a rough day and want you to know I'm here for you if you wanna vent. Also, you're doing great helping GS to stay centered. Not easy when we are having a tough time ourselves. I love you, DD. I see your growth. xoxo

Her: Thank you this made me feel very good.

Hang in there everyone!

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

What a healthy exchange. I just read an interview w/Dr. Manning (I’ve become quite the groupie!) and she said if you don’t know what to do or say to your pwBPD, simply pick the most Humane thing possible. That is exactly what you did. So kind and loving, it melts my heart.
Nice work, OH!

[livednlearned]

That is heroic to turn anger into compassion. Wow!

Do you think it's important to feel the anger first so that you can get to compassion?

I tend to be a stuffer. Sometimes I don't even catch my anger.

And what a nice text to DD 

[Only Human]

Thanks, y'all!

I love what Manning says, PeaceMom, words to live by.

LnL, yes, I do think feeling the anger is important. Like you, I tend to be a stuffer. My original thought, "I can't do this anymore, she has to leave!" was out of anger which usually comes from fear (for me).  The last thing I want is for her to leave. Often when I feel angry/fearful, I go on the offense and start telling her how I feel about her parenting. That never, ever, ever goes well! I tried a different approach, looked for some compassion, and found it. She's struggling, she may always struggle. The last thing she needs from me is to put her down, make things worse.

GS woke up on the wrong side of the bed and, for the first hour after waking, was pushing, pushing, pushing. DD was firm but kind, even validated his feelings. They are out back, putting the strawberry plants in bigger pots.

It's Family Dinner night, DD's BF's turn to cook, and we're having stir fry. But first, a nap for me.

I wouldn't be where I am without BPD Family and all you fine folks. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart  

~ OH

[PeaceMom]

LNL,
When Manning talks about self regulating first, it reminds me of a name it, claim it attitude. I’m a stuffer and take great pride (this is unhealthy) in staying regulated. Reading further into the book, this is a maladaptive learned behavior on my part.  So I’m actually not regulated, I’m in denial and stuffing.

The lesson is to slow down and acknowledge physical sensations-tight chest, clinched hands, short breaths.
“Name it”. Then go ahead and label the emotion. wow, I’m totally fearful and scared right now” Claim it.

She says giving words to and naming the emotion are very important.  Who knew? I was never taught to say my extreme emotion out loud. I guess this will take some practice.  My poor kid (my swan), I’m such a duck that I never thought to teach her this.

[Lollypop]

Hi OH

Wonderful to read your post and the acknowledgment that your daughter struggles with parenting and, yes, she may always struggle BUT every step you’re making through demonstration goes a long way in her practical understanding. Wow. I think it’s stupendous.

I laughed out loud at this. Thank you as I thought I was the only one!

It turns out I wasn't taking my own thought-advice!

It should start with us but I forget sometimes.

LP

[Only Human]

every step you’re making through demonstration goes a long way in her practical understanding.

Thank you for this reminder, LP.

~ OH