what can we do with d16?

[StressedOutDaily]

So D16 is just out of control...
She leaves the house without permission - goes where she wants, sometimes will leave the phone on and I can see where she is, sometimes she will tell us where she is, and other times she powers down the phone so we can't find her.

She leaves the house in the middle of the night, she has people picking her up in cars to take her places, is getting high, rarely showers or brushes her teeth...perfume and gum are substitues (not!)

We are on a waiting list (6-8 weeks) for Multi Dimensional Family Therapy offered by a clinic in our state,  She sees a T weekly - however the T says she is one of the toughest clients she has ever had...refuses to think, talk or reflect on her feelings, isn't in a skills group yet because they are still working with her on trying to get her to participate in therapy.  We have spoken with the police department about a program that is called "Families in Crisis" that was recommended to us by a Police Officer that knows our D (he was an SRO in her middle school...she loved him, she wasn't in trouble back then) but it turns out it is for youth 15yo and under.

We have an intake appointment  on Wed morning at an IOP - however she has agreed to go to the appointment - but has told us she will not participate in daily therapy.  Our insurance will cover the IOP. 

Residential is what is needed, but insurance may only cover about 30 days...she needs long term and we can't afford it (see a previous post) .

I talked to her T and she is suggesting a Therapeutic Boarding school - if we can find one that will take her and we can afford.   

Any wise advise? Thoughts?

Not sure what else we can do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

My child had BPD as early as 1.5 years of age, if you can believe that (it's a fact even if hard to believe).  She went to every daycare in our area, because she would hit/bite/refuse to cooperate with naps.  At kindergarten, she developed a reputation for getting into everything, refusing, literally, every request made of her.  This continued up until high school, so school relationships were constantly fraught with multiple meetings with guidance/SROs/principals/teachers, etc.
My husband and I started with therapists when she was in kindergarten, because we knew what home was like...she would have screaming fits that resulted in her tearing up her room...destruction eveywhere...
Our school meetings included husband with school round tables and me with therapist.  This was every week and went on for years.  She refused to do ANYTHING/EVER...teachers asking her to move to another chair resulted in a shut down of that entire class period...for everyone.

As a result, even very early on, I sought these "places" I could send her for professional treatment.  I was not equipped to deal with all she came with, and we desperately needed help.  The T's always diagnosed ODD...conduct disorder...I literally never once heard about BPD.  I filled out countless novel applications to send her places, and every time, I was told "the level of care she needs exceeds what we offer here."  Translated, I almost think they didn't want a person "like that" coming to their facility, even though a person "like that" is the one that needs lots of hands on to really get better results.  My husband and I were just two people who, in addition to working with our daughter, had to earn a living, deal with our own lives, etc.  I spent hours and days seeking help in every direction possible, and literally, without me having a good 30k to throw at someone, noone was able to help us. 
We never got the assistance we needed.  I ended up stressed out to the complete max, being dx with PTSD at the very same time she, at 18 years of age, finally got diagnosed...BPD...I didn't have a clue what it was, because in all those therapists and school counselors and so forth that worked with our family, we never heard that term. 

Everything you describe, my child did...and lots more.  We gave until it hurt...she had car, phone, and so much more, and nothing was enough.  She felt entitled to more...
Reading what you wrote, she gets a phone and uses it for lining up her "getaways." What, if anything does she do to earn that phone?  ...or other resources/things she has or has access to?
Looking back, I tried too hard to help her be happy.  I supplied her with "things" that matched what her friends, or the age group had. I gave her a car even though she abused the chance to have one. She didn't deserve those things, and when she turned 18/19, she was completely unprepared to take on responsibility for herself.  I hate that I didn't "anticipate" that earlier, so that I could have prepared her for "the real world and real life" when she was 16, so she would have been far more ready for it at 18.
To date, she hasn't actually worked, cumulatively, for 3 months.  She sleeps till noon, watches tv and colors in a book often, and has no interest in taking care of herself, now that she's 20.  She acts spoiled...and I afforded her a lifestyle that she now cannot afford herself. I should have made her work for and earn the things she valued...perhaps then, she could have gotten an earlier start at learning that work is hard, having things is a luxury, and there are no money trees...
My daughter is just now really focusing on getting a job so that she can eat and have a roof over her head, and between 18 and now, it's been a real struggle.

If our kids were to go to a therapeutic boarding school, what would they do with her?  rewards based system?     

[StressedOutDaily]

She felt entitled to more...

LOTR...my D is the same way...she feels she should be handed everything on a silver platter.

What, if anything does she do to earn that phone?

She purchased her own phone with some of the money she got from her Birthday and Christmas. So she purchased a used iphone 6 on line - it was what she could afford.  Since then she has constantly complained that she deserves a new iPhone and that we should purchase one for her.  Nope not happening.  She likes to complain that we bought her older brother his phones, and we remind her that he saved his money and purchased his own phone also.  She tends to forget that fact often.  Last night she dropped her phone in the shower, and now the speaker doesn't work so she can't hear anyone. She came down stairs yelling and screaming at my H and I that we had to buy her a new phone, that the phone she has is a piece of  , and if we weren't such terrible parents we would have bought her a new phone.   My H said to her, why did you have your phone in the shower? her answer...Mom brings her phone into the bathroom.    I do, but only so she doesn't take it...I certainly don't use it while in the shower     As with pretty much everything, she takes no responsibility for her actions.

...or other resources/things she has or has access to?

. We stopped giving her any cash almost a year ago, because we found out she was purchasing vape pens and pods.  She does have a part time job at a camp - mostly volunteer hours, but does get some money - but it is direct deposit, and she cant access her account without my signing also.  We have a small safe we had to purchase to put cash, gift cards in, because she was stealing those. 

~SOD
 

[FaithHopeLove]

SOD I feel your frustration. LOTR yours too. I don't know if this will help but my thinking is our BPD children are not so much spoiled as they are unable to feel loved. They really don't like themselves and feel like no one else could possibly like let alone love them. So they try to fill in that hole with material things and privileges. But the need is still there so it is never enough. That is why the usual ways of disciplining children don't work with them. All we can do is to keep loving them, validating their feelings, and maintaining our own boundaries. Does that make sense?
Hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

The book “Loving someone with BPD” totally explains why these people’s actions are continually misconstrued and misunderstood. It’s laid out in simple layman’s terms and doesn’t use heavy medical/psych  terminology. It is hard to read because it hits you right in the gut with how it feels to be them and how everyday is an unbelievable struggle. No wonder there is a 10% suicide rate.

I’m really resonating with her explanation of “apparent competence”. This is something I’ve been perplexed about with a few of my kids who have MH issues. For example, my DS has an engineering degree so my mind tells me he should be able to handle his finances. He’s a numbers whiz, for Pete’s sake!
But he can’t. I’ve felt enabling and silly going back to parenting and teaching him basic accounting bc I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I tended to be sarcastic toward him and try to guilt/shame him into doing better with his money.

Dr.Manning is giving example after example of her patients specific struggles and how she handles them. I can’t recommend this book enough. I’d say it’s mandatory reading to have any real understanding of our loved ones.

My DD19 ubpd had been terribly unregulated last week and had left our home with a new BF for 4 full days. Sunday they went to an amusement park and as they were leaving she walked out of a store with a keychain without paying (shoplifted). She called me at 11;30 pm I was asleep. Immediately she starts telling me everything that had happened and how wronged she was. She is banned from going back, she’ll have a $250 fine and a misdemeanor charge. The new BF had to wait an hour while she was questioned by police.

I followed the rules of the book-I got very calm (zen like) noticed my chest tightening, told myself I was scared for her, I did my generous, open hearted listening, I said “that sounds so upsetting. I would have been embarrassed too. I’m really sorry about this happening. No I’m sorry I don’t know how to fix it, but we can talk thru ideas tomorrow” typically she would just cuss me out and hang up on me but she said “thanks mom for helping me here”.

I’m learning that what appears selfish, isn’t really self-care it’s their attempt at temporary self soothing.

Thoughts?

[StressedOutDaily]

BPD children are not so much spoiled as they are unable to feel loved

Faith - I agree, they try to fill the hole inside with material stuff from the outside.  We have always given our two kids what they need (and a little more) and have tried to teach them and set the example of when you want something, you work for it and save for it...our D does not get that, and is constantly trying to get us to buy her stuff and trying to guilt us by saying we did it for her brother, which we did not.  I know why she is doing it and we do try to validate (somedays I am much better at it than others) and stick to our boundaries.

She however, seems to get a lot of the stuff she wants.  For example yesterday, went to the mall with two others (and no money)- came home with a dress and a pack of hair scrunchies. Tells me that the dress was only $9 on clearance - and someone gave her $7 for a drawing she drew for them, and one of the boys she was with paid the difference. He also lost her hair scrunchie so he bought her a new pack at Target.   Today I am going to take that at face value and believe that she is being accurate in what she told me. 

Peace,  I think I read that book...but I am going to go back and re-read it.  She has escalated so much since I first read it ...a refresher is necessary.  Thank you . Sounds like you did a great job using validation with your D!

I am really trying to help her - to find someone or someplace that can help her to learn the skills that she needs to regulate her emotions (most of the time).  She is such a rollercoaster of emotions every day now... yesterday the day started with her cussing me out, then storming out of the house at 8am...she texted me on and off during the day letting me know where she was..then disappeared for a few hours in the late afternoon, evening. Texted H when she needed a ride home, and was frantically texting him (she wanted to be picked up NOW) Calm for the evening, and the at the end of the night she was sobbing on my shoulder missing her ex-BF.  I am not sure what else we can do, where else to look.

[PeaceMom]

SoD-
I am right there with you, just a few years older DD and a tiny bit more mature than at 16. Those hard core DBT skills are the next best step after our own self care. The main reason for self care for the caregivers of BPD is different than self care of say, a cancer patient caregiver. I’m figuring out from book that WE push them into further dysregulation when we are not grounded. Period! I kept thinking the self care stuff was really more about detaching with love and having our own self compassion and releasing our own guilt and shame. But now I believe at its core DBT developers figured out that the caregivers were so dysregulated by their ill loved ones, that they made the situation worse. It’s almost like if I could plop my DD in a nurturing environment with someone who didn’t have a history with her and could remain neutral and calm and detached from each daily crisis, my DD might really get healthier and more regulated overall.

Unfortunately I don’t know where I could send her! No options.
One therapist said RTF can be helpful but the reality is, in a bubble it’s fairly easy to practice coping skills-sometimes this falls apart soon after returning home.

Thoughts?

[MomSA]

I am so sorry. This disorder is so damaging and all consuming. Oh I feel your hurting heart

Our daughter had to be stopped in her tracks. We sent her away for 3 months to a place we could afford. It wasn't fancy and didn't have enough in house therapy but it did take away her triggers and get her free of weed and helped her clear her mind.

Her true growth has only started to come now 3 months after rehab with DBT.

Can you look outside of your state for places you can trust and afford? I know this is hard and we want to be the ones to help, but when mu daughter was wild, i couldn't be the one to offer the life line.

[StressedOutDaily]

if I could plop my DD in a nurturing environment with someone who didn’t have a history with her and could remain neutral and calm and detached from each daily crisis, my DD might really get healthier and more regulated overall.

. So true! 

I am in week 4 of an 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction workshop - I highly recommend it if you can find one and afford it. (DH & I decided it was worth the investment)  The homework is 1 hour of formal practice each day.  I think it is starting to make a difference in the fact that I am starting to see that I have a greater capacity for staying regulated with my emotions even in the face of my D's dis-regulation. 

Peace what does RFT stand for?

MomSA

- I have been looking, not much around that is affordable or covered by insurance.  Seems this research has become a full time job.  I just finished an intake interview with a residential program that our insurance should cover at least half of the cost for the 60-90 days.  I should hear back in a couple of days if she is accepted and about insurance coverage.  Hoping a change of environment and some intensive therapy could get her on the right path . -  fingers crossed!  Then maybe she will be willing and able to participate in the DBT therapy and skills group.    Right now I know she just isn't able to see that there is any other way to feel better than participating in risky behaviors.

[PeaceMom]

Oops RTF residential treatment facility. I agree w/MomSA. When they are running wild and there is no break in the cycle, sending them off can stop the run away train. I hear your desperation, too. I get it! Sometimes even though it may not be the ideal situation, it might just be the next best step to take.
We only found 2 DBT residentials but maybe only for adults.
Clear view in CA and Timberline Knolls in Chicago. If you call them they should absolutely have a list for adolescents. These “top notch” legit places do a good job with referrals. Those are 2 that are generally well thought of. The Meadows in AZ might be a good resource for you, too.
This takes so much energy and focus on your part, be extra nice to YOU!

[MomSA]

  I just finished an intake interview with a residential program that our insurance should cover at least half of the cost for the 60-90 days.  I should hear back in a couple of days if she is accepted and about insurance coverage.  Hoping a change of environment and some intensive therapy could get her on the right path . -  fingers crossed!  Then maybe she will be willing and able to participate in the DBT therapy and skills group.    Right now I know she just isn't able to see that there is any other way to feel better than participating in risky behaviors.

holding thumbs for you Dear One.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders