Have trouble expressing opinion

[Chosen]

Do any of you have trouble expressing yourself to your pwBPD?  I'm naturally an opinionated person, so usually when I engage in conversations I would like to chip in with my own opinion.  But it is not possible with uBPDh.  If I express my opinion (which is not necessarily contradictory to what he said), he would call me "selfish", "proud", "disrespectful".  It feels like he doesn't see me (or other people he converse with, in fact) as equals, and we're expected to just listen to his orders. 

Another thing is that when he makes a verbal attack, he has to do it until he completely breaks you down.  Even if I say sorry, he'll just keep going until I break down.  And then he'll scold some more because I'm crying and since he treats me so good and it's just me who was wrong (instead of him), he doesn't "deserve to see his wife crying all the time".  This behaviour seems so sadistic, yet it happens all the time.  I don't understand it.  If you remain calm (NOT arguing with him/ standing you point, usually just me apologising for what I said wrong), he isn't satisfied; then he got what he wants, you're broken down and you're crying and upset, and he isn't satisfied as well, because you look like sh*t.  Enlighten me- what does he want really?

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[Ozzie101]

He probably doesn't know the answer to that himself, really.

My understanding of pwBPD and how it often works is they have difficulty regulating their emotions. They also tend to feel things far more intensely and there are frequently in emotional pain. What would be a minor sunburn to a Non is like a 3rd degree burn for a pwBPD.

What do they do with all that pain? They don't know what to do. So, they lash out. And, unfortunately, the most common targets are the people closest to them who care the most about them. Frequently, I've read stories here with members saying their loved one is making a demand: "If you'd just do this (usually unreasonable) thing, I could be happy." Well, even if they comply, guess what? The loved one with BPD is still not happy. So they move on to the next demand.

I think a similar thing happens here. He's lashing out in his own pain/frustration/anger. He doesn't feel better, so he turns it around to blame you some more.

When you disagree with him, instead of hearing "We both have different, valid points of view" he may hear "You're wrong. You're stupid. You're bad. I hate you." Ridiculous, really, but that's often what happens.

To answer your first question, though, yes, I have trouble expressing myself at times. If I can tell H is in a mood (or getting close to one), I know that disagreeing with him will set him off, since he's spoiling for a fight. So, I just keep my opinion to myself -- while not agreeing with something I don't agree with, if that makes sense. Then, when I can tell he's calmed down some and is closer to baseline, I may share my thoughts, if appropriate.

What are these arguments between you too usually about, if I may ask? Do you think he might try to instigate fights on purpose so he can have an outlet/release?

[Chosen]

Do you think he might try to instigate fights on purpose so he can have an outlet/release?

Oh yes, definitely.  When he's in a mood, everything I do is wrong.  I am speaking to the kids wrong, I am washing dishes wrong, I'm opening the door too loudly... you get it.

But sometimes I don't know that he's already spiralling into dysfunction, and he would just blow up to something I say/do.  As you say, it's always completely out of proportion.  The way he puts it, though, would sound like I've cheated on him or sending naked pictures of him to everyone he knows.  For things "normal" (i.e. emotionally regulated) people could talk about calmly, he would shout at me and berate me.  It's rather like a kid trying to plug their ears and shouting at you so they can't hear whatever it is you're saying. 

It makes it hard to have a partnership with him.  Even with normal friends, you could discuss things and express your own opinion.  With him, it would seem a much safer choice to just keep my mouth shut (i.e. not raise topics for discussion) or nonchalantly reply to him so I don't seem to be disagreeing with him (with he raises certain topics).  There is no depth to the conversation.  It's sad though because the blow ups are usually about something minor- it's not like we have different values or fundamental differences that cannot be resolved. 

Sometimes I feel so stuck.  I don't want to withdraw from him but it's hard to feel emotionally close when you tend to avoid sharing too much with him.