worn out and depressed

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all, been a while since I posted, but Im experiencing a personal low here and hoping that if I share some of this it will help. The last month with my adult DD and grandson have taken their toll on me and I'm at my limit. The constant stream of drama, confusion and negativity dished out by my DD is almost more than I can handle.
My DD and GS live with me 5 days at a time, then DD goes to BF house while GS spends time with his Dad who has emotional problems of his own. I've enjoyed 5 peaceful days, and while I can't wait to see my GS, I dread the thought of my DD coming home.  Im ashamed to say that out loud. It is very difficult to detach myself from DD's drama when Im in the same house and Im hoping to learn new way's of separating myself from her dilemmas.

the latest drama is around my GS who has been confirmed as having speech and motor delays.  He has had repeated ear infe.ctions since last year, 7 in 2019, and tubes were recommended last fall. Dad has refused the surgery saying that GS didn't need it and he didn't want him to undergo general anesthesia.  Three weeks ago, he texted my daughter a picture of a lump on GS throat telling my DD she had to take him to the doctor (this after he had him for 5 days and didn't take him to dr himself). apparently the daycare teachers noticed this 3 days before and dad ignored it. DD took him to 2 appointments, and made arrangements to pay for surgery, preop visits etc.  surgery set for last Monday.  without consulting DD, dad cancelled the surgery. DD was furious and rightly so. Last week appointment made with different dr. by Dad, DD took GS and was present.  US done later that day. GS needs surgery for this congenital cyst which is now the size of half dollar and causing him daily pain. Surgery still not scheduled. DD was in a horrible mood weekend before last, alternately crying and laying on the floor ignoring her son,sitting up cursing about GS father, or yelling at GS for something a normal 3 year does.  I stepped in and took care of GS because DD was in no shape to do so both Saturday and Sunday. I was full of emotions that day, absorbing hers, angry at her for wallowing in this and ignoring her child, but also feeling especially sorry for this innocent little boy caught in the middle of all of this. His parents are so wrapped up in their world that they won't get his physical condition treated.  I have been and continue to be concerned that GS is being neglected emotionally, and now physically. Its all so much to process.

DD relationship with BF and her interaction with coworkers is suffering as well. The intensity of her emotions is searing, when she's sad she is unreachably low, when she is happy she is soaring, but mostly she is disappointed, being treated unfairly(nothing is her fault), and her life is doomed.  such a depressing outlook. I'm usually looking on the positive side of things, but a steady diet of the negativity is really hitting me right now along with my worry about GS. He and I have a special connection, and I've been able to get him to start verbalizing his feelings and talking to him about how to handle those feelings. He is starting to open up and tell me when hes feeling sad or confused. Im concerned that his emotional growth is being affected by the yelling, animosity between parents, and emotional volatility of DD.

When I try to talk to DD about her problems, and validate her feelings lately, it results in her unleashing her anger on me and sometimes GS, so Im keeping my distance at the moment. her unloading on me will last for hours at times and when I tell her that I need to go to bed or go to work she responds with a snippy remark (passive aggressive) and cold shoulder. She is definitely dysregulated right now, needs help, and does not see that. She is not on meds and not in therapy (says she doesn't have time or $$).

All of this drama is affecting my relationship with my SO of 13 years, my concentration at work, and my general wellbeing. My efforts for exercise and other self care are met with disappointment by her that I wont be there to take care of GS so she can have a few minutes (in reality hours) to herself.

I know that I have to make a new change in how I handle all of this but I am overwhelmed emotionally right now.  Im hoping that with some time and self care I will gain the strength to handle this better.  For now Im just trying my best not to slip further into a depressed state.    Thanks for listening.

[hangingon]

Hi all, been a while since I posted, but Im experiencing a personal low here and hoping that if I share some of this it will help. The last month with my adult DD and grandson have taken their toll on me and I'm at my limit. The constant stream of drama, confusion and negativity dished out by my DD is almost more than I can handle.
My DD and GS live with me 5 days at a time, then DD goes to BF house while GS spends time with his Dad who has emotional problems of his own. I've enjoyed 5 peaceful days, and while I can't wait to see my GS, I dread the thought of my DD coming home.  Im ashamed to say that out loud. It is very difficult to detach myself from DD's drama when Im in the same house and Im hoping to learn new way's of separating myself from her dilemmas.

the latest drama is around my GS who has been confirmed as having speech and motor delays.  He has had repeated ear infe.ctions since last year, 7 in 2019, and tubes were recommended last fall. Dad has refused the surgery saying that GS didn't need it and he didn't want him to undergo general anesthesia.  Three weeks ago, he texted my daughter a picture of a lump on GS throat telling my DD she had to take him to the doctor (this after he had him for 5 days and didn't take him to dr himself). apparently the daycare teachers noticed this 3 days before and dad ignored it. DD took him to 2 appointments, and made arrangements to pay for surgery, preop visits etc.  surgery set for last Monday.  without consulting DD, dad cancelled the surgery. DD was furious and rightly so. Last week appointment made with different dr. by Dad, DD took GS and was present.  US done later that day. GS needs surgery for this congenital cyst which is now the size of half dollar and causing him daily pain. Surgery still not scheduled. DD was in a horrible mood weekend before last, alternately crying and laying on the floor ignoring her son,sitting up cursing about GS father, or yelling at GS for something a normal 3 year does.  I stepped in and took care of GS because DD was in no shape to do so both Saturday and Sunday. I was full of emotions that day, absorbing hers, angry at her for wallowing in this and ignoring her child, but also feeling especially sorry for this innocent little boy caught in the middle of all of this. His parents are so wrapped up in their world that they won't get his physical condition treated.  I have been and continue to be concerned that GS is being neglected emotionally, and now physically. Its all so much to process.

DD relationship with BF and her interaction with coworkers is suffering as well. The intensity of her emotions is searing, when she's sad she is unreachably low, when she is happy she is soaring, but mostly she is disappointed, being treated unfairly(nothing is her fault), and her life is doomed.  such a depressing outlook. I'm usually looking on the positive side of things, but a steady diet of the negativity is really hitting me right now along with my worry about GS. He and I have a special connection, and I've been able to get him to start verbalizing his feelings and talking to him about how to handle those feelings. He is starting to open up and tell me when hes feeling sad or confused. Im concerned that his emotional growth is being affected by the yelling, animosity between parents, and emotional volatility of DD.

When I try to talk to DD about her problems, and validate her feelings lately, it results in her unleashing her anger on me and sometimes GS, so Im keeping my distance at the moment. her unloading on me will last for hours at times and when I tell her that I need to go to bed or go to work she responds with a snippy remark (passive aggressive) and cold shoulder. She is definitely dysregulated right now, needs help, and does not see that. She is not on meds and not in therapy (says she doesn't have time or $$).

All of this drama is affecting my relationship with my SO of 13 years, my concentration at work, and my general wellbeing. My efforts for exercise and other self care are met with disappointment by her that I wont be there to take care of GS so she can have a few minutes (in reality hours) to herself.

I know that I have to make a new change in how I handle all of this but I am overwhelmed emotionally right now.  Im hoping that with some time and self care I will gain the strength to handle this better.  For now Im just trying my best not to slip further into a depressed state.    Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Hangingon
I am glad to meet you and sad for the circumstances. It must be heartbreaking to see both your child and your grandchild suffer so particularly since the little one is caught up in the conflict. I am no legal expert but I wonder if it may be that his father's refusal to let his son have necessary surgery constitutes legally actionable child abuse. Are you thinking that too? Please do whatever you can in the way of self care. I know it is hard but it is important.
Hugs
Faith