Wife And I-- Asking For Needed Help

[201lady]

I have posted on this site a few years ago. Our 43 yr old daughter's outbursts, anger, foul language toward both of us is unreal. I do not know if it is part of a sickness-- has no care about her parents- or what. In the last year, it has been a little physical when I get up to leave from the name calling-- her arms go up-- pokes or scratches me- calls me a coward. I tell her I have respect for myself. She has lived at home the last 3-4 years-- and at times it is holy hell-- screams- rages. I believe she is an alcoholic-- drinks 4 large cans a beer. 

At times she is back to her normal self as a caring, enjoyable person that she always was until about age 27. Even today, I called her up had a nice conversation-- she even said-- have a nice day as we were out shopping.

Came home-- she came down from her room-- started out with a nice conversation-- then tore into her mother where are my f- - -  keyes. we hang them up in the kitchen-- she never took the time to look-- and the 2 hour roar was on-- cussing, swearing, , etc. I believe some was the result of a few beers.

This almost goes on daily or a lot at nighttime. When she got somewhat physical-- my wife called the cops. They have been here before.

Yes, I have read "Walking on Eggshells" and a few other books about BPD. I ask her what is making her angry or in a rage-- says nothing.

Tried to get her into counseling-- says she doesn't need it. She has been in a SPARKS program due to harrassemernt of her former bf when she was drunk.

Hate to evict her-- do not know what she can control or not-- narcisstic-- tells us we do not care or love her-- not true.

I told her she is not the same daughter as growing up.

Looking for help-- peace and serenity.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello 201lady
I am sad for what brings you (back) but glad that you are. It must be horribly frustrating for you to see your sweet daughter rage in such an ugly way. Am I correct in thinking she has not been diagnosed with BPD but you and your wife suspect it? If that is the case then yes, this behavior is caused by the disease. When people with BPD experience pain, and sadly for them, pain can come from anywhere, they lash out in an attempt to feel better. My son does it too. The most important thing is your safety. You mention she has been physical before. Are you and your wife safe now?
Hugs
Faith

[201lady]

Yes, my wife and I are safe. I have never in my life struck my daughter, spanked or hit her in any way. I was defending myself .  We have had the police here for a few times to talk with her.

I know about the disease (BPD)-- and id difficult seeing it displayed by your loved daughter.

We have tried to set boundaries especially about swearing, cursing at us. She starts and I leave. She hates when either of us leaves her in this distressed state. Calls us a coward and I tell her I have respect or myself.

We have tried to get her into  counseling and we have been counseling some ourselves. 

We can not continue to live in this way--- we are thinking if her behavior continues of evicting her. She has no money and no place to go.

Last night we left and stayed at our son's apartment.

I try to use a few "validating" techniques but get sucked into her rage myself. I love my daughter.

Her upbringing was very normal. She had many friends and we did a lot together . Her brother knows all about her mental disorder.

Be it jealousy, envy or feeling neglected-- her brother excelled in sports and that is where we we spent a lot of time. She volunteered for a summer theater helping out back stage and reminds us that we should have been at every show-- like her brother's sport games.

She is divorced after 7 yrs of marriage as she got into heavy drinking and serious arguments with her ex. It all started about age 27. Any help from others be appreciated.

Broken heart.

[FaithHopeLove]

What is it you want help with? Deciding whether to evict her?

[Lollypop]

Hi 201lady

I’m so very sorry to read your posts but glad you found us. You say your daughter has been with you since she was 27 and that things have deteriorated in the last year. It’s understandable that your finding your situation so difficult and I’d feel the same. Having an adult child with bpd sharing your home can be exhausting and leave us empty.

The good news is that things can change. You can take control over your situation.

I told her she is not the same daughter as growing up.

She was a little girl then. She’s a woman of 43 years old who is struggling to deal with life.

My son is nearly 29 and two months ago moved into his own place. It can be done. He struggles but is functioning.

You’ve said she has no money. How does she finance her life?

LP