Self-Aware BPD

[RufusTFirefly]

I'm struggling with my wife, who understands that she has BPD. We've talked about it, read a book together, and she's aware that there's "something wrong with her" (her words, not mine).

But even though she understands that her feelings aren't always rational, that understanding doesn't always help.

I love going to the movies, but it makes her very uncomfortable if I do, to the point of pain (what many would consider a relatively benign movie once sent her into a week-long suicidal spiral). She's worried I might see someone in the movie who I think is prettier than she is (I won't — my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world). She also knows that if she tells me not to go, she's being controlling and she doesn't want to be controlling. And I know that if I go, it's going to hurt her (I understand that I'm not the one hurting her, but it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts). This is more or less the same issue whether or not she joins me.

What's nice is we both want the same thing: We both think I should be able to see movies and we both don't want her to be hurt. The trick is getting that thing and what to do in the meantime.

Do you have any suggestions for how we can work on this? Or, to put it another way, how I can help her deal with and possibly overcome her feelings so we can both get what we want?

Thank you!

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[once removed]

its tough.

sometimes we can recognize that our fears are irrational, but they may still be debilitating.

so what normally happens when you come home from the movie? does she tend to want to talk about it?

[RufusTFirefly]

She generally does not want to talk about it or much of anything. She doesn't want me to touch her or even get close to her. To me, it feels nasty. Every word she says has an edge to it and feels accusatory and she looks at me like she hates me. It's difficult to put into words, but her BPD makes it difficult to enjoy things because I'm worried about the consequences (Obviously, it's difficult for her, too).

She's told me, when I get home, it feels like she might have been cheated on. She doesn't actually think I was sleeping with someone else, but she wonders if I was turned on by the people in the movie and, to her, the feeling is the same.

[Still Here]

RTF

That sounds pretty complex.  I'm sorry.

Is your W threatened by you seeing and interacting with women in everyday life - outside of the going to the movies setting - at work, at the gym, at the gas station etc.?  If not, what do you think makes movies different for her?

SH   

[RufusTFirefly]

No, it's everywhere. Depending on how severe she's feeling, it can be very stressful to go out.