Suspected BPD ex blocked me following his dad's death

Hi,

This is my first time ever writing on a forum like this and I could really do with some support as I don't think my friends understand.

18 months ago I met a wonderful man from a dating site. Initially there were a few red flags such as sudden outbursts, extremely needy behaviour and jealousy and also lots of insecure talk of how I'm out of his league and I should go back on the dating site to find someone more on my level. However, I just put this talk down to his last relationship experience, which was a 13 year marriage (he's 41 and married the first girl he dated). He was separated when I met him and the divorce proceedings had begun but I had to really put a little pressure on him to make it all happen as he kept dragging his feet. Due to my own insecurities from my past relationship (on/off for 8 years with a suspected narcissist) I needed firm proof that I was not getting messed around again and that he was going to do what he said he would do.

My ex put me on a pedestal, which was uncomfortable at times. He would tell me how beautiful I was every day and all the time. He would behave in a way that I was just not used to. So caring and attentive. But now when I do look back without the rose tinted glasses, I do realise that a lot of our connection was superficial and we didn't really ever get into the deep layers of each other. He used to tell me he couldn't concentrate on work as he was just thinking of me all the time. I thought it was cute and put it down to his inexperience with the opposite sex.

Within three months of dating he had cried several times in front of me and also had a few meltdown moments that were full of rage and name calling. This would be swiftly followed by him kissing my tears away and apologising a million times. I'd always forgive him but my gut instinct told me something wasn't right.

He had lost most of his money and assets in bad business decisions and then in the divorce (they were business partners too). So when we were dating he had moved into a one bedroom hundreds of miles away from me. It was a long distance relationship but we made it work by trying to see each other every few weeks and speaking several times during the day and messaging loads. He told me everything about his day and shared lots of details about his family. He never really asked me any questions about my family and I found it odd that he would forget my siblings names when I knew everyone in his family. I told my family about him and he met my best friends but I never met his friends and his family didn't know about me.

Things came to a head after about six months where I felt I was the one constantly being the adult in the relationship and always planning the dates and trying to find solutions to our practical problems such as distance but he never would. It was very frustrating. His simple solution was always 'I think you should go back on dating sites'.

His inability to plan and his moods and his hyper energy followed by slumps made me think he may have ADHD or depression. He told me was on a keto diet but he always seemed to binge eat when he was stressed and I mean he would finish three tubs of ice cream in front of me in one sitting. He also made lots of impulsive buys and that used to worry me as I knew he didn't really have the cash to be splashing about.

When things didn't seem to be improving and due to me being in a highly stressful job which involved lots of international travel, I decided to break up with him after five months. He took this very badly and said the pain he felt was the same as when his mum died. He didn't fight for me though. He just let me go. This led me to believe that he can't have been that into me as he led me to believe.

We stayed in touch for a few weeks after the break up but I got sick of his snarkey messages that were always so passive aggressive. So I asked him to stop seeing me such passive aggressive messages and he sent me a 'okay ' and then didn't contact me again for six weeks. I didn't either. At first I was relieved when I didn't hear from him as it had become so stressful dealing with him and I felt drained but then after a few weeks passed I started to miss him and I remembered all the loving times and I felt guilt (I am an empath and also codependent) and thought I should contact him to see if things could be fixed as maybe I threw in the towel too quickly.

When I contacted him, I learnt that his dad had died a few days earlier. His dad was a stroke patient and had been bed bound for a few years. My ex was one of his main carers. They also had a difficult relationship as my ex witnessed his father abusing his mother all through his childhood which led to his mother being a manic depressive and he himself was also physically abused by his father.

So we met up and it was lovely and he cried in front of me and said that he hadn't even cried in front of his sisters but in front of me he can just be himself. I asked him if he had gone back on the dating site or met anyone and he lied to my face and said he hadn't. A few weeks later I found out he was on the dating site and he was getting to know another girl. After being so lovely to me when we met, he completely switched. Screamed at me that I was selfish and self absorbed and that I shattered his heart. After that he continued to get to know this other girl and I'm sure others too but at the same time every time he felt like I was distancing myself, he would message me and say things like he thinks about me all the time and that he misses me and he's just confused and needs a little time.

Long story short, it didn't work out with the other girl (or so he says) and so after some toing and froing we got back together again. But it wasn't the same as last year. He would exhibit rage and resentment towards me frequently. Even when it was his birthday and I called him to wish him happy birthday, he was horrid. He would say mean things. Would never compliment me like he used to. Unless I organised a date, he wouldn't. Would act really happy and fun with his friends and family but be really morose with me. Would distance himself and ignore me for days at a time. I'd tell him that this was a trigger for me as my emotionally absent father used to give me the silent treatment and so did my narcissist ex and beg him not to do it and its almost like he enjoyed doing it more then.

He started to find faults in me. Would ask why I was dressed a certain way or ridicule me for the way I had done something. Then I found his profile on a dating website again. I confronted him by messaging him and he completely ignored me for six days and instead went on his friends stag do and messaged me saying that he would speak to me when he got back I. E. Don't contact me.

When he got back, he didn't contact me. I called him 12 times and only then did I get a response. When we spoke he was cold and distant. I asked him if I deserved to be treated the way he had treated me and how I had been patient even when he had brought other girls into the equation and he just wouldn't take responsibility for his actions and said he wouldn't have the conversation and ultimately hung up on me.

I finally said I couldn't do it anymore and told him that I wish I had never met him and to delete my number. I also said how he was a liar and that he gets his self worth from these dating websites. That really hit a nerve as he then told me to 'go away' and then blocked me everywhere.

It's been three weeks now and I'm still blocked on WhatsApp. I've not tried to reach out as I've been so broken myself I've had to focus on my own mental wellbeing. I feel like the last 18 months have completely drained me and I am so exhausted from having to deal with all this emotional drama.

He has done a compete 360 degrees and I can't compute that I dealt with two different people in the two stages of our relationship - pre break up and post break up.

I started reading on BPD a few weeks ago and everything I've read makes sense. His behaviour hits all the indicators. The irony is that he was doing a psychology diploma last year and he failed because one of his course units required him to keep am emotions diary and he refused to do it and turned up to class at the end of semester with an empty diary.

He has all these grand ideas of what will make him a millionaire, but never thinks things through. He is a people pleaser and has some kind of hero syndrome where he will be there for people no matter what at any hour.

Despite all of these things he is someone I love very much but now I do doubt whether I really actually loved him because does he really even exist or was he just playing a character until the mask fell off. In addition, did I get sucked in because I had a deep void inside of me following my previous abusive relationship so where he was adoring me so intensely for 5 months I believed that to be love when it was probably just infatuation.

Right now I'm lost as to my feelings and I do feel terrible that if indeed he has bpd and I am 98% convinced he has, then I've left him to suffer when his pushing me away was probably in all likelihood a test to see what I could tolerate and if I would stay.

I feel like his abusive father's death was also a trigger for him.

My friends are convinced he will come back and will unblock me when he has gotten over some of the home truths I gave him. I'm not so sure as he is such a stubborn and proud man. Do they come back? From all that I've read it seems that they do. I've already decided that if he does come back, I will only engage with him if he agrees to see a professional therapist with me. The goal for me would be for him to get a proper diagnosis so at least then he can try and progress.

Have I been discarded following the split? Is this it? In our penultimate phone conversation he told me that he just didn't feel the same about me anymore but also told me that it wasn't me and that he just had to 'man up'. Yet I still found him on dating websites straight after. I also know that he had a porn addiction too but he assured me when we got together that this was over, but I'm thinking it probably wasn't. He told so many lies I just don't know what to believe anymore. Was he real? Was our relationship real?

I believe I am also going through what is known as trauma bonding.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience. I'm really suffering here.



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