My aging parent has undiagnosed BPD and I'm a newbie to this group

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.  My mom is 83 years old and is in declining health.  She still lives on her own. I am an only child with an amazingly supportive husband.  There is no other family nearby.  We do as much as humanly possible to support her including mowing her lawns, bringing her meals, fixing her many phone and computer problems, taking her on little trips, and a million other things, as well as trying to fill her emotional bucket which has a very large hole in the bottom.  Thankfully, she has always been very social and has a ton of friends, which has helped us.  I have been seeing a counsellor off and on as needed since my father died 13 years ago.  My mom's BPD is undiagnosed, but a family doctor and two different counsellors have all affirmed her BPD over the past 15 years after hearing my father or myself speak our stories to the professionals on different occasions.  I have observed a history of difficulty in relationships that are the closest to her - i.e. her deceased husband, her sister, me, my husband, and a best friend of hers.  Here's my metaphor:  if you bite the hand that feeds you enough times, the day will come when the hand no longer exists.  I feel like that hand after the most recent episode.  I am wondering if I must divest myself of my emotional attachment to my mother, and treat her like an ordinary person who is not my mother, because the hurt she can inflict on me/us is so painful, and I need to look after myself.  Anybody else experienced this?  BTW, I'm a health foodie, I go to the gym and manage to look after my own health needs now that I am retired.  But setting boundaries for my mom (who wants to be connected to me like an umbilical cord) has been challenging because either she ignores/forgets/dismisses them, or she turns it on me and says I make her feel bad about herself.  She can be vitriolic and and raging one day, and then send me a text telling me she loves me the next (usually when she wants or needs something from us).  This sounding familiar to anyone?  While my counsellor has given me strategies such as cloaking, breathing, setting boundaries, staying quiet, exiting the scene, and remembering it is the disease saying those things and not my mom, I feel that as she ages, her episodes are becoming more frequent, and having a compounding effect on me.  I also suspect she may have some early vascular dementia, but don't really know.  Bottom line, I need more strategies.  Looking forward to being part of a community that shares the same painful and negative influence from a loved one.  It sure does affect our well-being and enjoyment of life. We have a holiday coming up, so I can predict another huge crisis, before we leave and after our return.  It feels like craziness.  Thanks for reading and listening.

[Methuen]

Hello.  My mom is 83 years old and is in declining health.  She still lives on her own. I am an only child with an amazingly supportive husband.  There is no other family nearby.  We do as much as humanly possible to support her including mowing her lawns, bringing her meals, fixing her many phone and computer problems, taking her on little trips, and a million other things, as well as trying to fill her emotional bucket which has a very large hole in the bottom.  Thankfully, she has always been very social and has a ton of friends, which has helped us.  I have been seeing a counsellor off and on as needed since my father died 13 years ago.  My mom's BPD is undiagnosed, but a family doctor and two different counsellors have all affirmed her BPD over the past 15 years after hearing my father or myself speak our stories to the professionals on different occasions.  I have observed a history of difficulty in relationships that are the closest to her - i.e. her deceased husband, her sister, me, my husband, and a best friend of hers.  Here's my metaphor:  if you bite the hand that feeds you enough times, the day will come when the hand no longer exists.  I feel like that hand after the most recent episode.  I am wondering if I must divest myself of my emotional attachment to my mother, and treat her like an ordinary person who is not my mother, because the hurt she can inflict on me/us is so painful, and I need to look after myself.  Anybody else experienced this?  BTW, I'm a health foodie, I go to the gym and manage to look after my own health needs now that I am retired.  But setting boundaries for my mom (who wants to be connected to me like an umbilical cord) has been challenging because either she ignores/forgets/dismisses them, or she turns it on me and says I make her feel bad about herself.  She can be vitriolic and and raging one day, and then send me a text telling me she loves me the next (usually when she wants or needs something from us).  This sounding familiar to anyone?  While my counsellor has given me strategies such as cloaking, breathing, setting boundaries, staying quiet, exiting the scene, and remembering it is the disease saying those things and not my mom, I feel that as she ages, her episodes are becoming more frequent, and having a compounding effect on me.  I also suspect she may have some early vascular dementia, but don't really know.  Bottom line, I need more strategies.  Looking forward to being part of a community that shares the same painful and negative influence from a loved one.  It sure does affect our well-being and enjoyment of life. We have a holiday coming up, so I can predict another huge crisis, before we leave and after our return.  It feels like craziness.  Thanks for reading and listening.

[Turkish]

I'm an only child, too.

Here's my metaphor:  if you bite the hand that feeds you enough times, the day will come when the hand no longer exists

This is a sad script for people with BPD.  It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to confirm their core fears and shame,  that "nobody loves me," and deeper than that, "I am undeserving of love."

What happened in the latest incident?

[Methuen]

Yes we are aware of that.  At the same time, we are experiencing some burn out. 
I had invited my mom over to our house to make perogies.  It was something she had been wanting to do for a while, so I made the time while my father-in-law was also visiting from out of town. After the perogies, we also made a big gourmet dinner at the end of it with the perogies being one small part of the meal.  We worked together well, and at the end of it, she had about 50-60 perogies for her freezer as well as an extra plate of food for about two more nights of dinner (she's 83 and it was a big plate).  But the same afternoon I was making perogies with her, she had someone digging out shrubs from her garden, shrubs she had promised to us, which went into the garbage.  Then she invited us over to see her garden the next day.  We were shocked to see the empty ground where the shrubs were.  When we asked her what happened to the shrubs she had said we could have, she simply said they were in the garbage.  When I reminded her she had promised them to us, she said nothing and changed the subject.  I think her logic would have been "to teach us a lesson" because she is impatient and thought we were too slow in getting our shrubs.  Regardless of why she did it or what she was thinking, there was no sign of her feeling bad or sorry.  Meanwhile, my husband and I dedicate a LOT of time to helping her and supporting her.  So it felt like a callous and hurtful action on her part, and a strange way of saying thank you for all we do.  I can't imagine what she would do or say if we threw a shrub she wanted into the garbage. Not surprisingly, the conversation in her garden with my father-in-law was a bit forced and awkward after that, as my husband and I were trying to process what the heck happened, but we said no more about it.  The following day we had a thunderstorm which knocked the power and her land phone out.  She texted us and asked us to notify her land phone provider which we did.  We informed her of their response which was to wait her turn (we had explained to the phone company that she was 83 and needed a land phone, but the person at the other end assured us they were going to work until all the phone lines were back up).  The next morning her land phone still wasn't working, so she went to a friends house who also contacted the phone provider, and received an apology for the delay.  Then she accused us of not having made the phone call, and treating her like a nobody, and said she felt ..."picked on.  I don't belong anywhere."  I have no idea what the trigger for all this was for her, because she was as happy as a clam while I made perogies with her (while at the same time she had a friend digging out the shrubs she had earlier promised to us).  It feels like an impossible situation, because no matter how much we do, it is never enough.  Sometimes her friends tell me how much she appreciates all we do for her.  When she's in a happy place, she tells me I am the perfect child.  Then something like the shrub and thunderstorm episode happens, and it gets very confusing, frustrating, disappointing, and hurtful.  I'm past middle age, so this has been going on a long time for us, and we feel like we are burning out.  She has refused professional help her whole life, and is in denial of any problem. 

[Turkish]

What's the risk of you doing less for her? Not for her so much,  but for you? It sounds like even at 83, that she can still take care of herself (to an extent) and make her own decisions.  

[Methuen]

That is both a very good question, and a very good point.  It is a good reminder for me, so thank you for suggesting we could do less, and thus giving us permission to do so.  That stirs some emotion in me.  The risk is that she accuses us of not being there for her, not loving her, making her feel worthless etc etc, which translates into much guilt, anguish, and internalized frustration and further resentment from me. 
  I think some might call that emotional abuse, but I'm not really sure. 
I have to admit that since the perogy/shrubbery episode, I have kept my distance, because I had to. My mind was screaming: "how could you dig out the shrubs promised to us, and have someone put them in the garbage at the same time I was making perogies with you?  What kind of person does that?"  I am still feeling that emotion almost a week later.  So I have insulated myself to protect myself and her, and avoided contact.  For example, I have replied single word answers to her texts, with my responses taking several hours (no instant replies), sometimes followed up later with a neutral sentence about weather or how many apples I picked from our apple tree etc.  Today I have not heard from her.  But when I do, she will pretend that nothing happened.  Life goes on for her, but not so much for me.
    This type of mean behavior on her part, and her intense emotional reactions and meltdowns have gone on for so long that I am feeling like the only answer is to move away so we can have a life.  I realize that would feed into her sense of abandonment.  As she ages, and her physical and cognitive abilities decline, she is getting more negative, and more and more difficult, and it's just becoming harder to cope.  I'm not really wanting to move away, but for the first time I'm starting to think about it because it's difficult to see any other way out.  She has refused to acknowledge a problem or receive counselling her whole life, so does she have the right to make my husband and I feel this miserable because of her illness?
    The saddest part was that I had gone out of my way to make time to make perogies with her (which she had been wanting), and it was great!  We had a good time!  Then she completely sabotaged a positive experience by garbaging the shrubs she had promised us.  I'm having a super hard time reconciling that.  So I give you huge thanks for giving the permission to do less for her.  I really needed to hear that.  I'm trying to think positive about the outcome of what doing less will be, but my life experience with her has made me a realist, and I can already imagine the meltdown that is coming, and the hatred with it.  We will also be going on holidays in August, so that will cause another accusation and meltdown like "you always leave me", and "I feel so empty".  I understand she has incredible pain.  But we have pain too, and I don't have enough tools to deal with my pain.  Any support and advice is appreciated.
 

[pursuingJoy]

Methuen, I'm following your story. We are experiencing much of the same behavior from my BPD MIL. The aging piece heaps on the fear, obligation and guilt. My husband lost his only brother to suicide 20 years ago, and his dad died 10 years ago. He doesnt yet see how dysfunctional his mom's relating is. He talks to her every day, sometimes twice. She is 72 and lives alone, takes care of her dog, healthy, drives,  etc.

She bought me a climbing plant for mother's day several years ago. She knew I'd wanted a trellis, so she and I made a special trip to the store so I could pick what I wanted. We found exactly what I wanted, she decided she didn't like it and we left the store. I was left feeling really confused and frustrated.

Her deepest desire is to move in with us. My husband and I have decided that won't happen, but no matter what we say, she ignores it. Three months ago we went to her house to paint her bedroom. He had been there since the day before and within 30 seconds of arrival, I could tell he wasn't himself. Within 3 minutes, she launched into how they had decided she would build a garage apartment onto our property. She would let me decorate the outside, but I had to let her decorate the inside. I looked at hubby for help. Nothing. So I joked that they'd been busy planning. She kept pushing. I found out from him later that she had informed him that she wanted to "poke at" (her words) with this. I wasnt rude but after the 3rd time she brought it up with 5 minutes, I pushed back calmly and said that is not what I had discussed with her son, no, she wouldn't be building a garage on our property. I hugged her when we left and invited her to our house for my daughters grad party. I never yelled, called names, cussed or raised my voice. I set a boundary, one that my husband and I had discussed very clearly.

Aftermath: my husband yelled at me for two hours on the ride home and we have not stopped fighting since. To this day, he isnt able to voice what I did wrong, he just knows he is angry.  We are not strangers to conflict but we have fought bitterly for three months and we are in couple's therapy (which is where I learned about BPD). His mom has done anything from cry, rage, shame, dismiss, and threaten. He's come back to me with comments like, "See what you did? You do understand that I'll have to spend every single holiday with her from now on?"

I share these examples with you just to say (1) GREAT JOB for being honest with yourself about your mom. You love her well and you've had the courage to face the reality. You are doing a great job and you're stronger than you know. It's ok to step away and take a breath. It's really ok to do less. I am scared of being seen as unsympathetic too, but it helps me to remember there are deeper dynamics at stake. (2) You're not alone. I suspect that their behavior will worsen as they age. We need to take care of ourselves and model healthy behavior for spouses, friends, family and kids. My husband's upbringing drew him to a narcissist BPD. They're raising 2 kids together and because of what he is used to, he's allowing really unhealthy dynamics with his own kids. Maybe talking about the emotional damage being done to his kids will help him see that the same was done to him. The things we do have a ripple effect on those around us.  

A healthy mom would listen to your frustrations, acknowledge and validate and release you from expectation. The disease won't allow your mom to do that for you. I'm sorry for the ways that hurts you. You're doing great. Dont let guilt and fear drive your choices, whatever that means. Keep it up, and keep talking.

[GaGrl]

My mother lives with my DH and me. She is 93 with a frail body, macular degeneration, and yet is cognitively completely sharp. She is not BPD but has a few traits that I attribute to her abusive stepmother.

We have a caregiver come in three days a week. She drives my mom to most doctor appointments and bakes with her, runs errands, etc.  I don't know what we'd do without her.

Even so, we had had conflict over several relatively innocuous situations that triggered her -- then we got silent treatment and pouting. My agreement on boundaries with my DH is that we do not apologize for anything that does not deserve an apology, just to coddle her out of a pout. Sometimes we leave her for a movie, so she can figure out how to self soothe. And again, she is not BPD, so I can imagine how wearing it must be to deal with your mother constantly.

I wonder why you hear of her appreciation only second hand, from friends? My mom is very appreciative to both of us, and that makes it worthwhile even on tough days.

Is some caregiver help something that could alleviate some of the daily stress?

[Methuen]

@Pursuing Joy:
Wow. I found your words really supportive, and so helpful.  Thank you!  I've been feeling lost in the wilderness ever since my dad died 13 years ago.  I still feel in the wilderness, but I'm starting to think there are other people in there too, and I'm not as alone as I thought I was (super husband beside me in the wilderness all the way).  When my dad died, and after recent reflection and time spent on this site, I now suspect I moved from being the perfect child to the scapegoat. 
  Your story about the in-law wanting to move in with you, and telling you she would let you decorate the inside of YOUR house, but SHE was doing the outside, really rang for me.  Ever since my dad died, my mom has been putting pressure on me to move in with us.    I already knew that was never going to happen!  But my husband, unbenownst to me one day (after many years of haranguing), told her straight up that her and I could never live together.  Some time later, when her niece (and husband) were visiting, she announced to everyone at the family gathering that we had said she could never live with us!  Her announcement fell quite flat because her niece and husband are savvy to some of her issues although we have never spoken about BPD.  Mom simply has no filters or boundaries.  She seems to love and thrive on stirring up chaos.  Best thing I can do is not reply to those things, which would just give her more oxygen.  But I'm beginning to see on this message board that it's as if there is a "formula" for the dysfunctional behavior of BPD's, because when I read some of the posts on this msg board, it's as if people are describing my mom, "word for word".  One of mom's sisters, who I feel is much more intense BPD than my own mother, moved in with a daughter a few years ago.  I hear the odd story as my mom relays the conversation she has between her and her sister.  Not surprisingly, the move hasn't gone well for anyone inside the house.  So I'm supporting you in the hope that your wisdom prevails and your partner lets go of the idea his mom must move in with you two.  I pray that your couples counsellor finds a way to help him see that.  If my mom moved in with us, I'm sure she would try to break up our marriage (she's just so jealous of the time I spend with my husband). 
  I think I'm moving to fully accepting what my mom's BPD means for our (hers and my) relationship since my dad died.  It means I will never have my mom's support or unconditional love.  It's like I need an emotional divorce from her, but I think it's what I have to do.  Physically we're all still here going through the motions we have to go through, but I have to let go of the emotional attachments and expectations of a normal mother-daughter relationship.  If anyone thinks this is unhealthy or not necessary, I'm all ears and eyes for watching and listening what you have to say, as I try to find my way out of the wilderness.  Pursuing Joy, thank you so much for your reply to me.  Bad things are still going to happen here, but at least I now know there are people out there who truly understand.  I haven't felt that kind of support before. I am so appreciative.

[Methuen]

@GaGrl:

I think I hear of her appreciation second hand from her friends because she simply cannot bring herself to say anything kind to me personally.  She used to tell everyone I was the perfect child, but since my dad passed away 13 years ago, that changed.  I suspect he used to be her scapegoat (my dad was a saint) and shielded me from her BPD characteristics, although I clearly remember the things he used to say to her such as "why does there always have to be a crisis?"  "Why do you always twist things?"  At any rate, I am now her closest "loved one", so when he died, I became her scapegoat (I'm an only child).  During his illness and after his death, was when my BIG problems with her started.  So that's my theory about why I don't hear appreciation from her first hand. 
   Your point about home care is well taken.  She wanted me to do all her housework for her after all her surgeries, but I told her I couldn't (job, lower back problems and every other excuse I could think of) so she eventually found someone to pay to come in and do her housework.  She is social and outgoing enough that she thankfully makes friends out of these people, or, so she says.  She can be quite charming when she wants something.  She also wanted us to do her gardening.  My husband mows her lawn, but we drew the boundary at the lawn, so she pays another "friend" to come do all her gardening.  She was always an avid gardener her whole life, which is something she hangs onto of her mother (who died when my mom was 15 and left her with an abusive father).  So mom's garden is very important to her.  I know I could never do a "good enough" job, and gardening isn't my thing, so that was easy to say no to. 
    My mom also has macular degeneration.  She's also had two hip replacements, one knee replacement, and a major back surgery.  If you don't mind my asking, I'm wondering who pays for the caregiver that comes to help your mom 3 days a week?  I think my mom would probably WANT me to pay, because to my mom, $$=LOVE. I can see her rationalizing that if I don't want to pay for her home care, then I don't love her.   But as my mom's POA, I know she can afford it, so I'm thinking when that day comes, she can afford to pay for home care if it's not covered by the public system.  But I can see a crisis coming there down the road one day.  I am just wondering how other people navigate this with their BPD parents.
  Thanks for your post GaGrl.  I so appreciate the thoughts, questions, and interest. All the questions asked of me so far make me think and question how I have thought of and reacted to my mom in the past.   I just am so relieved to have discovered this message board!

[GaGrl]

I'm an "only" also -- my sister died of breast cancer at age 32, back in the 80s. She was bonded to my mom in a different way, never lived more than 5 miles away, always available by phone. Until I retired, I lived 400 miles away and traveled frequently for work -- a very different relationship. When my sister died, Mom tried to replicate with me the l nd of relationship she had with my sister -- wasn't going to happen. I think that made it possible to care for her now without undue stress. She can go waiting on us.

I'm on this forum because my DH was in a previous marriage with a uNPD/BPD, with whom he has three adult children and two grandaughters. We minimize interactions now to major life events (graduations, weddings). He was often told by friends that he was St. Julian (not his real name) for what he endured in that marriage.

On the finances...My mom pays for the caregiver -- three half-days a week, plus drives her to church on Sundays. The caregiver is a long-time friend of the family from her church, so very trusted. Mom also gives us $1000 a month, and we have taken over providing all groceries and other supplies, plus we pay all utilities, lawn maintenance, etc. Her caregiver and I write the few checks for personal accounts each month and maintain her checking account. She receives 50% of my dad's pension, plus  Social Security, so she is set up comfortably. She is adamant that she not be perceived as "living off her children. "

That's something for comparison...hope it helps to have a different perspective.

[pursuingJoy]

Methuen, I echo your observations about stirring up drama and no boundaries. Even my husband has stated, laughing, that his mother has NO filter. She can mask it temporarily but she’s also incredibly unhappy and makes efforts to remain so (she will not take her medication for depression or anxiety, will not exercise or take vitamins, continues to smoke and drink). Even though she is surprisingly healthy, she obsesses about her own death and has now decided that she has 4 or 5 years left to live. She is only 72, and her mother lived until she was 92.

Your scapegoat theory describes my husband’s emotional state exactly. My husband lost his only brother to suicide 20 years ago and his dad died 10 years ago. Your description of the wilderness is exactly where my husband has been since his dad died. He feels so lost. My husband was not expected to be her supply while his dad was living, nor did he feel the full weight of her disapproval. It makes the loss of his dad all the more intense. Things fell apart with his dad out of the picture. The patterns are uncanny. I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone, even in that.

For about 4 years now I’ve felt increasing disapproval from MIL because she wanted me to serve as a secondary supply, after her son. For the first three years she would say things like, “You are the best! You are the only daughter in law I’ve ever liked!” and literally follow me around the house during visits. She would go on and on and on about how much she disliked her former DIL, husband’s ex-wife. I wanted to be a dutiful, patient, loving DIL but was conflicted because I found her comments manipulative and her behavior desperate, needy and codependent. She held a heavy, uncomfortable expectation that I should meet all of her emotional needs. When she would visit she would follow me and was content to be waited on. After about 3 years of my quiet resistance to intense bonding, her attitude toward me starting shifting. I noticed that she started calling the ex-wife she supposedly hated, making plans to help her with kids and get together, even spending part of Christmas at the ex-wife’s house. She started calling me by the ex-wife’s name, which continued for over a year. During this time she would come back to our house and share nasty things the ex-wife said about me.

My MIL also charms others into doing things for them and forms ‘friendships’ although frequently she is unable to sustain these long-term. She made friends with a young, single, beautiful lady from her neighborhood. We heard about nothing else for weeks: she could do anything from plumbing to tiling, she was so kind and smart, she made her soup, they were the best of friends, she was so wonderful. She even invited her new friend to our house for Thanksgiving. I was relieved that MIL had found someone to care for her and I enjoyed the lady, she seemed really nice. (I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being paraded in front of me as the model daughter in law that I wasn’t. Weird, right?) The two of them kept going on about their relationship, although they had only known each other a few weeks. A few weeks after Thanksgiving, I realized I wasn’t hearing as much about her so I asked my husband if his mom was still hanging out with her new friend. He said they had a falling out.

As far as setting different emotional limits with your mom, only you can decide when and if that needs to happen. After years of therapy, ten years ago I went no contact with my NPD dad (due to emotional and sexual abuse). I’m currently on a medium chill with my mom and siblings, depending on how much they have processed the damage done by our dad. Cutting off contact with my dad, as much as he’d hurt me, felt like grieving a death. (Five years ago I was in a car accident in another city. I cried because I wanted a dad to help talk me through what to do, even though my dad was never there for me in that way.) I survived the loss of my dad, just as he survived after ‘losing’ me. I’m not an expert, but I think it could help to assess your motivations: make sure you’re not acting on FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. I trust that you’ll act out of love for your mom, yourself and your husband.  

GaGrl it’s helpful to hear how you’ve met your mom’s practical needs without becoming enmeshed. I am also expecting a crisis or breakdown and excessive charming when that happens, and I want to think ahead about setting up practical ways to care for MIL when this season hits.

[me2019]

You are definitely not alone!  Your mom's behavior is coming from a place where she only sees her side, not yours.  It's the lack of empathy that I think just comes with the disease.  What has truly helped me in strengthening my spirit and being more non-reactive is being more clinical about it all.  I tell myself that my mom is really not my mom anymore, but the result of a disease that has taken over.  She is incapable of rationality, of understanding that her words hurt and that she will never find the consequences of her behavior to be fair.  Once you understand and accept this, I think it can help you as you navigate, especially in trying to please her all the time. The story about the shrubs, it is all to reminiscent of so many things that happen in my life where she will say one thing, then do another without any instance of remorse, but God forbid something happens to her by accident that is a fraction of her actions and the world is now against her and we are horrible people.  I remember one time my inlaws (who my mom instantly raged a relentless war against because they include a photo of my dad in a slideshow at my pre-wedding reception) sent my mom a birthday card and my mom's first reaction is 'they spelled my last name wrong.  I"m sure they did that intentionally'.   Nevermind the fact that they sent her a birthday card to begin with...all she could see is the negative.  Anyway, I completely understand!

[Methuen]

Well my hubby and I just returned from our counselling session. I have so many take-a-ways from that, but at the moment, my biggest focus is the need to recognize my mom is not the mom I've always thought I had.  I'm in the process of accepting that.  It's gonna take a while.  What I need to learn to do is what has worked for "me2019", and that is see it all clinically so that I can become non-reactive, because the reactions feed her disorder.  The next time she says/does something completely unacceptable, I am going to try visualize a big blob of any disease, and remind myself that it is the disease saying/doing that thing, and just "move on" , kind of the way a doctor or a teacher has to "move on" past a patient or a student that abused them while they were trying to help (because of issues that have absolutely nothing to do with the doctor or teacher). 

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for the update! So glad you're finding a clear path through this, and that you're taking time to take care of yourself. Cheering you on!

[Methuen]

I have been on a self-imposed LC/NC with my mom since the perogy/shrubbery episode.  It has given me some space, and sometimes I feel better and sometimes I don't.  A few days ago she texted me she "needed some water".  OK, so hubby and I brought her water.  She wanted us to sit down.  We did not.  Instead we said we needed to get home to shower and make supper after our hike.  She didn't like that.  Then she informed us that for our anniversary, we could choose to either have ribs at her house, or go out for dinner with her.  We looked at each other, and replied that we hadn't yet had a chance to talk about OUR anniversary plans, and we needed some time to do that first.  She texted me later to say something was wrong.  I ignored the text.  As our adult son was coming home for a long weekend, and would be wanting to see his grandma, we decided we might as well do our anniversary dinner out with our son and my mom (his grandma), and kill two birds with one stone.  It would avoid a crisis.  It would also mean our first meeting with her would be in public, and our son would be present, so she would have to manage her behavior somewhat. So the next day, I replied that we would like to go out for our for dinner.  She seemed relieved and asked ME to make the reservation, which I did (she lacks confidence to do that on her own, but she seems to be able to do things that benefit herself).  Our son got home today.  Normally I would be inviting my mom to join us for supper at the house so she could be included in a visit with him.  Today I couldn't invite her.  I am quite honestly sick and tired of her talking about herself the whole time she is around us, including all her friends sicknesses and problems.  Everything is always about her.  If we try to change the conversation and talk about something neutral or an experience we had (like a hike) she often corners me when I am alone, and attacks me for leaving her out of the conversation, blah blah blah.  I have indicated to her many times I'm not interested in gossip, or hearing about her friends illnesses (people I don't know).  But she can't seem to help herself.  It's just how her brain functions.  Always looking for the negative.  She also often has her friends on death's door, but then a funny thing happens, and they get better.  Yadayadayada.  So hubby and I decided that today we were going to enjoy an evening with our son on our own-just the 3 of us.  And now I am definitely in FOG FOG FOG mode!  It's crazy.  I never knew about FOG until joining this site a few days ago, and recognizing it in myself is really disturbing.  The feelings that I always thought were "normal", (the obligation to include grandma when the kids come home, and the guilt if I didn't) suddenly aren't normal any more.  And I'm quite concerned because on the one hand I know that I cannot react to the stupid things she could say or do at our anniversary dinner tomorrow (because that is what she wants and needs to feed back into her BPD), but I don't know if I can be strong enough to keep my mouth shut because I don't feel like I've had enough separation to hold back on a reaction when she says/does something to trigger me.  And yet I have to, or the whole evening will be destroyed by yet another drama crisis.  At the moment, I totally resent that all the responsibility for any relationship with my mother is on me.  On the positive side, we are so happy that our son can join us.  Our son is completely unaware of his grandma's BPD.  He was always her "favourite" (aka golden child) and from the day he was born she idolized him on a God like status.  He has enjoyed his status (who wouldn't), and is familiar with her zany, unpredictable and sometimes difficult personality. He lives 6 hours away, so thankfully doesn't have to deal with her on any kind of regular basis.  I am doubtful whether he would accept she had BPD, and also don't know that I should put that on him about his grandma.  On the other hand, I may one day need his support.  My mom really resents how much we enjoy our adult children (and they us).  She always feels "left out" and "unloved" when our nuclear family does anything together, but the crazy thing is we've always tried to include her as much as possible, even on holidays off the mainland.  I have always had an active imagination of the worst thing that could happen whenever we are making any kinds of plans.  My MO in life is to put things in place to PREVENT anything from going wrong.  I think I may now know why.  My BPD mother has made a lot of trouble for me and been high maintenance, and a lot of bad things HAVE happened.  So I spend half my time strategizing how to pull off events and occasions, so that nothing bad CAN happen.  Done this most of my adult life.  That's a bit of a burden.  So now if she triggers me at our anniversary dinner tomorrow night, I guess I'm going to have to make a lot of trips to the bathroom?  Visualize a PET scan of a diseased brain as a reminder that it's her disease saying/doing those things?   I'm just so AFRAID of her unpredictability, and accusations, and hurtful behavior.  I don't want my mother at our dinner with our son, but it's a DUTY that causes a heck of a lot of apprehension.   I remember my father (when he was alive) often saying "why does it have to be so difficult?"  Now I understand what he meant!  I have actually had a bike and helmet at the side of the house, and spare shoes at the front door, so that if mom showed up at the back door while I am in NC mode, I could escape out the front and go for a bike ride without her seeing me.   Thanks for listening to my vent.  Any further thoughts or suggestions?

[Harri]

Hi Methuen.   

And now I am definitely in FOG FOG FOG mode! ... recognizing it in myself is really disturbing.  The feelings that I always thought were "normal", (the obligation to include grandma when the kids come home, and the guilt if I didn't) suddenly aren't normal any more.

  Breaking away from long standing patterns of behaviors and changing the dynamics in your relationship with your mom will take time and practice but it can be done.   I know how difficult FOG is to contend with.  One thing that helped me to fight through it was to recognize I did not have to accept it.  That it was going to take time to learn not to and hot to not take it on, but it could be done.

And I'm quite concerned because on the one hand I know that I cannot react to the stupid things she could say or do at our anniversary dinner tomorrow (because that is what she wants and needs to feed back into her BPD), but I don't know if I can be strong enough to keep my mouth shut because I don't feel like I've had enough separation to hold back on a reaction when she says/does something to trigger me.  And yet I have to, or the whole evening will be destroyed by yet another drama crisis.

How would it be destroyed?  What would happen?  Can you see yourself responding rather than reacting to her?  Being there more as an observer rather than a participant in her antics?

 

My MO in life is to put things in place to PREVENT anything from going wrong.

This is a pretty heavy burden to carry around.  For me, my doing prevention tasks and rescuing people before they even needed rescuing, was so I would stay calm more than keeping my mom calm.  Does that resonate?

So now if she triggers me at our anniversary dinner tomorrow night, I guess I'm going to have to make a lot of trips to the bathroom?

     That can certainly help.   

Visualize a PET scan of a diseased brain as a reminder that it's her disease saying/doing those things?

I am/was a fan of visualization of clear bouncy plastic bubbles where someones words (usually my now deceased mom) would bounce off me.  I could see them but I was safe.  I also used to picture myself surrounded by friends who had my back. 

I'm just so AFRAID of her unpredictability, and accusations, and hurtful behavior.

Can you be more specific?

I don't want my mother at our dinner with our son, but it's a DUTY that causes a heck of a lot of apprehension.   I remember my father (when he was alive) often saying "why does it have to be so difficult?"  Now I understand what he meant!  I have actually had a bike and helmet at the side of the house, and spare shoes at the front door, so that if mom showed up at the back door while I am in NC mode, I could escape out the front and go for a bike ride without her seeing me.   Thanks for listening to my vent.  Any further thoughts or suggestions?

I think it is a bit late to cancel at this point so lets see how we can work this.  Can you view this dinner as one for your mom's benefit but one that has no real emotional meaning to you?  I am thinking you could have a second, more official dinner with your husband and son on another night.  I am just looking at the words you used when talking about this:   

And yet I have to, or the whole evening will be destroyed by yet another drama crisis.

I understand the emotions here.  I get it.  I also think words like this can escalate the emotions and panic we feel.  Can you back up a bit and look at this with less emotion and use less emotionally charged words?  You are not powerless here nor are you alone.  We can help you with this. 

Tomorrow, think of what you have learned here and remember that you have choices in how to respond.  Take us with you as those friends you visualize that have your back and understand.   

[Methuen]

Harri, your response to my last rant was so helpful, I can't even put it into words.  Kind of checked me on some really negative thinking, put me in my place, and also put forward some super helpful ideas.  I needed that.  I really like the suggestion of visualizing bouncy bubbles - a great metaphor and much more positive than visualizing a disease.  Thanks for taking the time to analyze and respond to so many quotes in that post of mine.  Dinner wasn't a disaster.  It wasn't easy, but it certainly wasn't a disaster.  Today, was the last day our son was home visiting, so after a day trip up a mountain with him, our hubby and I put a dinner together and invited my mom over to join us.  After a week of essentially N/C, she is turning human again, so the evening tonight was really quite successful.  Not sure if inviting her over was FOG or not.  At any rate, it ended positive.  We watched some entertaining youtubes my son offered up, which helped keep everything neutral.  Of course there'll be another rage to come from her, but in the meantime I have some resources from this site to keep learning from, and time to practice some of the tools, before the next round with uBPD mom.  The biggest challenge is being able to check my emotional response.  Gotta re-program the brain and grow some new pathways! Thanks again for being so helpful, patient, and supportive in your response.  I read it 2 hours before the "anniversary" dinner out.  It made a difference.

[Harri]

Thank you for letting us know how it went. 

Dinner wasn't a disaster.  It wasn't easy, but it certainly wasn't a disaster.

    I am so glad to hear this.  Yes, it was difficult but (!) ... it was manageable right?   

Not sure if inviting her over was FOG or not.

It is okay if it was FOG.  Sometimes I think we put too much power behind the whole idea of FOG or give it too much power.  We have agency, we just have to recognize it and take action/make different choices.  Inviting your mom for dinner provided another opportunity to practice your skills, learn to recognize your own feelings without amplifying them and adding experiences with the new you to your memory banks.   

Even if you chose not to invite her, it is a choice and a valid one.  Same with the dinner.  If things had gone bad and you wanted to end the evening sooner than planned, that is okay too.  It would not be a something you list in the loss column right?  Choices.   

Of course there'll be another rage to come from her, but in the meantime I have some resources from this site to keep learning from, and time to practice some of the tools, before the next round with uBPD mom.

Yep she will rage again.   You already have some new tools and you will be adding more.  Don't forget that saying no is also a valid choice.  You can choose not to see her or if she drops by, hop on that bike of yours and go for a ride.  Just do it from a place of power (choice) rather than a place of fear.  There is nothing wrong with saying "I am not in a good place to deal with this right now and I choose not to", right? 

 

[Methuen]

Thanks for replying with the wisdom and experience of one who clearly understands this stuff.  Your feedback is exactly what I need to hear.  My brain is absorbing the theory I'm finding on bpdfamily.  Putting it into practice is a much bigger challenge.  It's so much easier to see and understand possible answers and actions, than it is to apply and use them the way they are meant to be used.  I am super thankful to be finding some tools to try, and figure out how to change what "I" need to change, since I now understand she is never going to.  Thanks to everyone for the support on that path out of the forest.

[zachira]

So sad that you are having to deal with an elderly mother with BPD. At the same time, I am glad you have found this site. There are many members with a mother with BPD,  who have found ways to not be so emotionally overwhelmed by the inexplicable behaviors of their mother with BPD. My elderly mother with BPD died last month. Rule number one for me was limiting the amount of contact I had with my mother. Rule number two for me was to walk away when the interaction was becoming really toxic. It sounds like you really have made a happy life for yourself despite having a mother with BPD. Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, as you find ways to be less negatively affected by the way your mother treats you. We are here to support you and help in any way we can.