Invited in the Morning, Blocked at Night

[simallat]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, in fact I'm new to BDP (slightly over two weeks). I've had read similar posts on this board, but those are usually concerned with 6+ month and monogamous relationships, mine just lasted two weeks, but feels way longer. This will be a long post.

There was this girl I followed on FB for a long time. She's an artist. Three weeks ago she messaged me and said my name and face looked familiar, but she didn't recall me bother her. "So I didn't delete you, was it you who did?" I said we had never been friends in the first place. Then she started telling me she had BDP, had been smoking so much weed lately, which used to cause anxiety but now made her feel good. She wasn't able to type much (sober or high), but my responses seemed to amaze her. Apparently, I was saying the same exact things her therapist did. She even wondered if he was setting me up for her, which was ridiculous. Within a few days, it turned into "you are exactly me, just in a more ordered and better educated form." She was posting me photos of her balcony she was rebuilding as a gallery, she hadn't been productive for a long time and was excited to go back at it. I am a writer and an academic, I told her about a book I was working on, I always wanted a female hand to add visuals to it, and being familiar with her style, I knew it'd be a good fit, though there is still another year for me to complete it. She was highly interested, and told me she'd been writing her thoughts to show them to her therapist, but they were embarrassingly deranged, amateurish and needed help before she could show it to him. So she invited me to her place. There was only one problem that week; one of my family members had a heart attack and I had to deal with it, so I couldn't text her until night. In fact, the day before I had told her to approach me as she felt safe, because I realized she was having trust issues and said everyone approached to manipulate her. She seemed appreciative, but that night when I came home she said "you didn't talk to me today, so I texted someone I felt close, though I didn't get a reply. You were on my mind, but since we haven't met yet it didn't feel wrong. Don't take me as polyandrous, I've never been." That she even felt she had to explain that to me was awkward, because I didn't even think she was considering me more than a friend. I said the only problem in her narrative is that it seems she is talking to me because she needs someone, she said it wasn't the case and I didn't dig it further.

So one week after we started talking, I went to her place on July 13. We went shopping, had a lunch, she kept saying it felt surreal that someone could be so receptive to her words, that I almost spoke her mind the entire previous week, now that I was listening to her, she really saw in my eyes that I understood her. Apparently nobody had listened to her more than 2 months. In fact, I was the only one with no mental disorder who had shown interest to her, except for one married guy she didn't have any romantic interest for, and knew his interest resulted from an illusion that she was different. She said she left her last boyfriend because he blamed her for sleeping with this guy even though she hadn't. They'd met in a psychiatry clinic, and he'd grown over-controlling, jealous even about his own friends, while she thought she had to learn to make friends so she could have a healthy romantic relationship. She also told me about the guy before him, the one that introduced her to weed and hard drugs, though she used to be against them and knew they wouldn't help her. Ever since she tried some chemicals, she couldn't sleep without sleeping pills.

Then came sex and darker hours. The more she talked the more I felt hypnotized, and the more I realized how traumatized she was. She had very deep, perhaps a dozen of scars on her thigh, some others on her arm. She also had bulimia until 8 months ago, her bodyweight had dropped to 80 pounds until she recovered, though she was barely 100 pounds now she had too many stretch marks for a girl her age and frame. A name kept appearing, say Joe, who used to beat her and have sex with her when she was too drunk to remember, saying her pleasure didn't mean anything anyway. That was her longest relationship (1 year), that had seven breakups and reversals. For the next 20 hours or so, it was a cycle of sex and every detail of her life from childhood to the present: She decided on what starts when. One moment she was so caught up with me and the present, showing extreme care about even a little mosquito bite on my feet, saying things like "I've had nobody do this so good, where did you learn it?" and she hadn't come closer to orgasm with anyone before, she couldn't wait until she felt a bit more comfortable with me to achieve it, and the next minute she says she wants to take a cigarette break, and restarts her life story. She said she didn't have sex until she was 25, when her cousin suggested it could help her recover. "I wish I never had," she said, and after Joe, she had slept with a few guys she knew wanted ONS but she wished they would change if she showed love. Even though she didn't care when it didn't work out, guys would act like they owed her something, as if they were heroes different from others. That's what she said she liked about me, I wasn't giving her false expectations and I never judged her, but she could already see my difference without me explaining or claiming to be different. She said she felt like she knew me forever, to the point that she couldn't read more than 2 of my FB posts after she added me, because it felt so like her that she lost her sense of self.

By the end of this cycle I didn't know what to think. My brain was overloaded with information, I hadn't slept for so long. She slept for an hour, woke up smiling and kissing me violently, then made me breakfast, saying she had stopped cooking things for anyone but I was different, right before asking if there was any question mark in my mind about us. I said no, and if it happened I'd let her know before it became a problem. For the first time she stared at me blankly and said "no, I'd expect the opposite. If it happens just ignore it. I can't always feel inside a relationship, it's not about you, it's about me." It felt like she was going to kick me out for no reason, but she initiated sex again. She said first impressions let her see where it would go, and just to be sure, I asked what impression she'd got from me, she answered "can't you see" and showed extreme affection. She told me we should go camping, I should teach her math and chemistry, I should train her in my home gym so she could get stronger (I'm a former athlete and still train as one), etc. Then I got a phone from my parents about the said family member, that he had to be taken to hospital again. She wanted to come with me, but in my mind I was asking if we were not going too fast. Besides, I really did feel like a zombie, even more so when she told me there were more things she wanted to tell me if we had time. Before I left though, I told her weed didn't really work as well as she thought, because I observed it messed with her perception of time terribly. She said I was right, and she couldn't do much under its influence. She had rolled her last piece a few hours ago with a machine she'd got from her ex (she couldn't roll manually, which is going to get important in a minute), I said maybe she should stop buying anymore and she should consider removing all the remnants from her past because she seemed too stuck there, and we could build something new and strong. Do you know what her answer was? She asked me if I had friends who smoked weed, because the only drug dealer she knew had approached her sexually and she didn't prevent him so she could get weed. "Back then I had no boyfriend and I didn't feel guilty." Then she told me he was an older man in his 40s looking even older but living so fast she couldn't keep up with him, and that he got jealous when she had boyfriends (just to let you know what kind of unnecessary details I dealt with for dozens of hours). "I have an appointment with him, I'll to buy some more for the last time and never see him again. This time we won't be at his place, we'll meet outside and there will not even be a handshake." She asked if I would be upset with her for meeting such a man even under those circumstances, but reassured me there would be nothing to worry about. She said she was just letting me know because she didn't want to do anything without letting me know, and she could never lie, claiming her mother was teaching her to lie a little recently because she was too honest, to the point she couldn't help but hurt people through her excessive honesty. She added that she knows everything she does is stupid, and I should never ever think she does them to hurt me. These were the last things we talked about before I left, and she texted me to ask about the family member.

When I finally came home though, my mind was totally shut, which is expected as my sleeping pattern is strict and I am not used to staying up for so long. I was asleep for about 12 hours, during which she called twice, texted "I feel bad we need to talk," sent me a teary photo and finally texted "you disappeared, and even though I wouldn't have preferred it, I revived my old ghosts," which meant she had called someone from the past again. When I woke up I explained the situation, I said I didn't "disappear." She said it felt like I was ghosting her like many others did before, but then she came to her senses and knew I wasn't like one of them. That was Monday, July 15, just the day after we were together. But she didn't text or call me after saying it was OK and she knew I wouldn't just disappear, until the next morning when she said she had gone to her parents. I said I was worried all night long that she was silent, that she didn't have to report me about anything she did but she could at least tell me she was OK. She said I was right and she would be more careful. The following days, though, it was just us saying goodmorning, me talking about my work and busy schedule, and she videocalling me before going to bed, when she looked so lovely and warm, but throughout the day I had no idea what she was doing. I knew her inability to text long messages, and I need my own personal space anyway, but it was nothing like the week before when she was showing me her balcony, things she did, etc, which can be important early in a relationship to learn about your significant other's routine. Now she was just texting "I'm gone mwah" in the middle of the day, just to come back in the evening to text something totally irrelevant, and disappear mysteriously again. This went on for three days, until Thursday, when she texted me in the evening to say she had bought weed, smoked before she got home, and she would love to see me, bombarding me with her smiling face. Imagine the scenario. She can't roll it manually, she is not home yet, she saw that man she promised she wouldn't shake his hands again, but she is all smiles and calling to see you. I wanted to trust her, I said maybe he rolled it outdoors for her, still not what I'd have liked to happen but that I could handle. I was so tired that day, and said we better meet the following day. She said that was better, we could spend the entire weekend. But then she texted "I am too stupid," and it was only two hours after I had asked why that she replied with "I don't remember."

So we met on Friday in a cafe. The first thing I said was that she knew how my week went, but I barely knew hers. She said I was right. "My mind works too fast, thoughts turn to actions, I get lost." After an hour of small talk, she started about her past again, and slapped me with "I don't even know who I am saying all these to, yesterday I didn't know who I was saying these to." I could barely ask if she was seeing someone else, and she was evasive. "What does that even mean?" she said, "who even am I to see someone?" She said she didn't exist, nobody could value her, she claimed I didn't. She cried, she said Joe had killed her, and she couldn't die twice. I was upset as hell, I said all week long she was in my thoughts, I had never listened to anybody in my life for so long, and now I was there for her with my flesh and blood despite my doubts about her for the past few days, especially the day before, which I confessed I couldn't ask because the answer might hurt me. It didn't mean she owed me anything, but she could at least acknowledge she wasn't talking to a ghost. As I said these I started crying too, which she wasn't expecting, she said she would never make me upset again, and kissed the bruise in my arm that I was pulling off. She said she'd told me she wasn't polyandrous. I didn't know what to make of it. It could mean my doubts were paranoiac, in which case I was just ruining something beautiful by my questions. She had cut her arms just to hurt her last boyfriend because she was convinced he fantasized she was cheating on him, she thought he was a masochist who couldn't hurt her, so she hurt herself to hurt him. I was worried I could cause a similar trauma, and I was a bit ashamed. On the other hand, I could see that something in her eyes read "I am not promiscous, but..." So I was confused, I told I wanted to get out of the cafe and go somewhere without many people, or just walk, which we did. And one of her ex's called her, the one who had introduced her to drugs. She told him she had called him about weed and the problem was solved now. But she could sense that I was upset she still had all these people. And she started re-telling me everything about this guy (even though I kept insisting I just cared what he meant to her in the present), in a total stream of consciousness style that lasted from 5 pm to 3 am when she finally told me I didn't need to worry about him at all. In between her deranged narrative were drizzled public kisses, holding hands all the time, hugging me, saying she loved me. She even sent her mother our photo, saying she would surely love me but she would introduce us later because due to her previous chaotic relationships, her mother would consider me as a therapy tool for her. She said she was tired of chaos and digging other people's mental disorders, I was the most stable person in her life and that would do her good. She would tell her mother all these before introducing us, she said.

But it wasn't a day starting with doubts and moving towards love linearly. Far from it. At midnight, when she left her phone with me to find a bathroom to try and roll weed, I saw an unanswered call from a guy. When I asked her who he was, she said it was this drug dealer. I said she had told me she wouldn't see him again, she said she didn't want to, then told me about him as if she hadn't before, or as if that was the question. Later, a few times she yelled and treated me like trash for no reason, with a stare that wasn't her at all. For instance, I had made a joke about one of her sweet behaviours, she found it "scientific" and said she was so aroused she wanted to kiss every inch of me, raised on her feet to kiss me wildly in the middle of the street. Five seconds later, she said she had to text her brother to ask what bus to take at 3am in the morning, and started looking for a seat. Knowing she wasn't good at texting, I thought that was the reason she wanted to sit. She got so furious for that. "How could you not see I can barely stand on my feet because I'm tired and high? Are you that detached from me? If I passed out here would you be kind to see it and call an ambulance? Are you playing with me?" But she was so energetic 5 seconds earlier, and wasn't aware her sense of time was warped again. And a few minutes later she apologized and gave me a hug, saying she loved me. (Will continue below)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[simallat]

This push and pull continued throughout the night, I was getting tense and she was saying I wasn't learning a lesson, then apologizing and saying I was the most patient person ever. As the morning approached, we found somewhere she could have breakfast, I was too confused to feel hunger. There, my patience and will to listen became a problem. She said for the first time she had a question about my previous relationships. We had agreed she wouldn't, because she had told me it had become her habit to dig people's past, and use it as an experiment field. And I had told her it wouldn't take us anywhere, as it didn't take her anywhere with others, and my past wouldn't matter anyway, because it didn't define who I am now and I wouldn't project my past upon her. But this time she asked what drived my past relationships. Up to this point she loved me listening to her without judging or calling any of her acts nonsense, now she was blaming me for not reacting strongly. "Are you quiet because of me, or are you always like this? How do you drive your relationships? What topics do you talk mostly?" I said trust drived it, and that I talked about everything. She called it nonsense, said I lacked expression skills, which I feel might be meant to insult me about my profession. That Friday night, as opposed to the week before, she mocked me for being awkward a few times, and then said it was a good thing because that made me more skilled in other fields (and I do admit she made me feel and act a bit paralyzed). So, apparently you couldn't talk about everything in a relationship, there must be some hole to dig and you need to focus on that. My reply to that was my last relationship had lasted 7 years, 5 of which we had lived together, of course you can and do talk about everything. That's not something she could comprehend though. "Then you can't be happy with me" she said. But for some reason, she said we should continue at her place. I know it couldn't be for sex, because she was having her period and from the previous week I knew she was too insecure about her body. There would still be some intense intimacy though. But I was once again a zombie, and I wanted to go home.
As we were waiting for bus, she started the "I don't exist" conversation again. She said she never loved someone after Joe. She felt some remnants of that love in her last relationship, but that wasn't enough. Everyone was an image for her, she made that image, not knowing who was who. She said I wasn't who she was talking before she met me. And that she met someone new and fell in love with him two days after the weekend we spend together. "That person doesn't exist either, so my feeling is both true and false." Then she said she had slept with the drug dealer the last time she bought weed, though she didn't remember when. It was Saturday morning now. I said "am I hearing right? You mean the last time you bought? Just this Thursday, now barely two days ago, the day before you saw me?" She said "how do you know that?" I'm like "are you kidding me? You said you wanted to see me right after, that was the damn question of yesterday when I came to see you." She was furious again. "Who do you think you are? Will you be like every other idiot acting like my hero? You are different, how could you stoop so low?"

That's when I realized my bus had come and gone like 50 yards. But I couldn't stay there, I ran like I was running from lions to catch it. And when I got on bus she texted me, saying "this is what I've been trying to explain since yesterday. I could have a desire for you, but your feelings couldn't get through me. I'm not promiscous, I just have nobody in life."

I felt so manipulated. Spending such an intense weekend with me, falling in love with someone two days later, videocalling me and saying she wants to see my place the same night, sleeping with some drug dealer that looks and acts Dickens' Fagin the day after, and seeing me like nothing happened for another 20+ hours. If it all went right the plan was to spend the weekend with her, and let her in my place on Monday, something I don't really do if I don't feel special. I was just in bed thinking what the hell had just happened in only one week, and she called me. "After I made you upset, I got upset twice" she said. She was harrassed by someone after I left her, she was scared to death and she called that drug dealer for help, and he was too high to even understand. She called him an oversexed idiot that just cares about her for the sex, and feels like he could possess a woman through his perverted antics that didn't ever make her feel anything. "She slept with me when I told her I had a boyfriend, how could he ever care for me?" And she added she wasn't talking about this last time when she had me, but before that. So she was lying when she told me she didn't feel guilty because she didn't have a boyfriend back then, or she was focused on that one time when she told me about it, failing to see the whole picture. And she said that nothing she did or said made me less special for her, had some suicidal stream of consciousness for a while, then asked what I thought of her now. I honestly had no thoughts, I said "does it matter?" and she said I was right, it didn't matter.

The next day, on Sunday morning, she texted me "I'm sorry." I told her she didn't owe me an apology, that if I ever got upset it would be my fault because I allowed that person to upset me. I spoke a bit about my past relationships, told her she wasn't the only one who went through traumatic ones. But I learned to overcome my grief, not project other people's faults upon the ones I care about, which is crucial for a healthy relationship. I let her know I couldn't allow myself to go through all the pain and drama I went through in my late teens and early twenties. She was silent for a while, and on Monday evening she texts me "You really are the only one in the world that can see things like me, we react to chaos differently but we are essentially the same. That's why lack of desire occurs. We are so similar that it feels like there is nothing new to find." Then she says she has an appointment with her therapist in two hours, and she wants to see me before that. Of course I was still upset and refused to go. I told her I needed to protect her from myself and myself from her for a while. She said she was the person who could understand me the most, and would support me whatever I did. But if I chose to see her, she would be with me in her realest self. That left me confused again, because if she left it at my message the day before, I would probably never want to see her again. That's when I started reading about BPD, and I realized I was dealing with symptoms. Prior to that, it never occured to me that a disorder could define a  person so much, and I never judged her behaviour in those terms. Three days later, this Thursday to be exact, I hit her up with "I'm sorry." That night she told me not to be sorry, "you did get through me inside, you really did, I liked it a lot, I believe in everything you said, maybe if it was 10 years ago I could see you differently, and I know everything you want could be true, maybe someday it will be, maybe with me that's not me, but all the women you knew and will get to know. But there is something outside that doesn't fit, that prevents it from getting mutual. Still, you really mean a lot to me. I like seeing myself through your eyes. Please don't disappear from my life altogether." She didn't explain what she meant "something outside," I don't think she could, but I didn't even care. I said I wouldn't disappear, that I hadn't even approached her with expectations, it was her behaviour and words that gave me expectations and changed my behaviour, but I still wanted to see her as the person I first met, and we could still do a lot of the things we were planning to do, as we have a lot in common and that doesn't have to involve all the drama and romantic relationship. That's when I went to bed, and I woke up at 6am with her text bombs, I was trembling as I had slept with the window open. Apparently, she was texting me from the house of that guy she "fell in love" after she met me. I don't know how many days she had been with him, but she was saying things like "for the first time since Joe I'm feeling this intense, but this time more mature, without getting unrealistic. I have no idea if he loves me, I can never believe someone could love me as I love them, mine is unhealthy anyway. But I think he loves my love for him, because he had this unrequited love for another woman, but now he gave up the idea of approaching her, I guess he loves me more than her because unlike her, I love her. But I've been analyzing it all and couldn't find a big problem yet, neither inside nor outside. I know this anonymous love was produced inside me long time ago and I'm just projecting it upon him, but that may be enough to settle down. It's not good to be a perfectionist, neither should you be, I know it hurts and it's not worth it." She said he'd soon wake up and go to work, she didn't want to stay there anymore because she wanted to be in her own bed and do some more analysis about her feelings. She said his place was close to mine, so we could meet and drink something before she went home. I sent a voice recording so she could hear I really woke up trembling and I could barely speak, let alone see her. She texted me "when you are cold, imagine I'm with you and giving you a hug. But know that I can't be." She added it was okay I didn't feel good, she hadn't slept for a long time herself and we could still meet regardless. "Another day we can meet again for longer when we have energy" she said. I kindly said no, I'm not even used to jumping out of bed and going out to see someone, she sent me photos smiling, with kiss emojis. I took it as a joke, I said "I'm going to fix your posture." She joked back, said "that sounds like a threat, I'll straighten you up" and sent kisses. Then she said he just woke up, "time for Cinderella to disappear now, see you soon."

That was it. That night I saw her active on FB, sharing a song. When I woke up yesterday morning, she had blocked me. I realized one of my posts from this week had a like I couldn't see, and as I checked from my friend's account, I saw it was her. Why would she like a post before blocking me? It was my only serious post from this week, something about avoiding toxic encounters in every part of life because we in turn get toxic. My other posts were from silly moments I was trying to distract myself, like juggling and singing, playing basketball and hanging out with friends. If she took it personal about that post and got pissed, why would have she liked it? And I told similar things to her when we were together. Does she really feel a loss of sense when she reads my thoughts? But unlike hers, my posts aren't public, she could have simply deleted me if it made her feel bad. And she didn't block me from WhatsApp, where we had been talking since day one (it is awkward but we talked through Messenger for a day at first, exchanged numbers without adding each other on FB for three days). Yesterday morning when I realized she had blocked me, I sent a light note to her, asking if she doesn't think this move was a bit uncalled for. It's been over 24 hours and no answer yet, I'm starting to doubt she'll answer. I just don't get it. I've never insulted her, I've never judged her, and she wasn't pissed off when I refused to see her. In the end it got friendly, she was the one who told me not to disappear from her life, she was the one  who in her last messages was sending me kisses. Even when she attacked me for no reason there was still passion in her eyes. She knows I'm not a guy who will push her to talk to me. The place where she blocked me wasn't even where we were communicating. Is she trying to give me a message? Maybe she thinks she can't keep friendship boundaries and it would be wrong to talk to me when she claims to be in love? Then why was she kissing me passionately just a week ago, inviting me to have a drink right after she left his place two days ago?

I don't even know what to expect, or what I want. I still can't comprehend all that happened, I still feel kind of paralyzed. Will she talk to me again? It is annoying because she was just an artist I had been following for a long time until three weeks ago, now I can't even do that. It is even more annoying that just last week she was telling me she had a lot of idiots in her list and she would delete them, she was adding like-minded people herself anyway. Now does she just see me as one of them? Or have I turned into another figure in her story that she will retell with spite, saying she never met a sensible person who didn't leave a bad mark on her? I am not even an inexperienced guy. I had all types of relationships and went through a lot, I shouldn't even be feeling anything. It hasn't even been enough time for her to become an addiction. One side of her is a total wreck, but there is this other side of her that feels like we could be the best duo for life. I'm not even a jealous guy. What I told her was true, I don't let others hurt me anymore. I have my shields. If I knew I was dealing with symptoms I would have acted and felt differently anyway. I know I probably won't tell her anything anymore unless she talks to me, but should I expect her to reach me, or has she never seen me more than a guy she had ONS with and is now really disinterested? If she does come back, how should I treat her? Is it possible that she could friend-zone me if she returns, or is it more likely that she'll maintain her sexual advances? These are the questions nagging my mind. Sorry for the long post, that's all there is to it.