Why did I do that?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been months and months since I've been here.  Two years ago I was a complete wreck.    But I slowly picked up and rebuilt, with a lot of help from folks on this site.

I'm in a new sane and loving relationship and I'm happy.  Business is rocking.  Everything is fine.

My current girlfriend mentioned in passing that she doesn't come up when you google her name.  I decided to confirm that today.  She's right.   I wondered if I came up when you google me, and yup ... there I am.  Then really foolishly I googled my exBPD gf.  The internet came up with her phone number.  I had erased it from my memory.

So I looked up her phone number on my cell phone and a flood of texts came back.  Pictures.  Months of pictures of her and me together, in good times and bad.

And now I'm sad.  I miss her.  I did really love her.  Really really loved her. 

So weird. 

Not so sad that I would try to contact her.  I don't miss her so much I would reach out to her family to see how she's doing.  If she and they can completely disappear, why should I scratch that wound.

But I'm blue now.  It's like seeing a ghost.

And I guess I'm sharing to let that be a cautionary tale.  Don't look back.

[Seenowayout]

It's been months and months since I've been here.  Two years ago I was a complete wreck.    But I slowly picked up and rebuilt, with a lot of help from folks on this site.

I'm in a new sane and loving relationship and I'm happy.  Business is rocking.  Everything is fine.

My current girlfriend mentioned in passing that she doesn't come up when you google her name.  I decided to confirm that today.  She's right.   I wondered if I came up when you google me, and yup ... there I am.  Then really foolishly I googled my exBPD gf.  The internet came up with her phone number.  I had erased it from my memory.

So I looked up her phone number on my cell phone and a flood of texts came back.  Pictures.  Months of pictures of her and me together, in good times and bad.

And now I'm sad.  I miss her.  I did really love her.  Really really loved her. 

So weird. 

Not so sad that I would try to contact her.  I don't miss her so much I would reach out to her family to see how she's doing.  If she and they can completely disappear, why should I scratch that wound.

But I'm blue now.  It's like seeing a ghost.

And I guess I'm sharing to let that be a cautionary tale.  Don't look back.

[Gemsforeyes]

Ooohhh, my dear friend!  I’m sorry you’re feeling blue.

Here’s that saying... “doctor, it hurts when I do this!”  Then don’t do that!

I know, I know...

If you can Seenowayout, try to recall (and you know I know your story), the only really GOOD time was the beginning.  The rest of your time together was chaotic and confusing and sad and torturous.  You were going mad trying to keep up with what you THOUGHT would make her happy... it never worked.  Never WOULD have worked. 

Again, I’m sorry you’re feeling blue. Maybe those photos need to be placed a little further away than at your fingertips?  For your own wellbeing?  Just a thought...

I’m still here.  In fact just the other day I was wondering how you were doing.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[clvrnn]

Sorry to hear you felt a little low, recently. I think it's only natural that we feel nostalgic towards people we loved - but it's also a real mark of strength that you were able to say "nope. not contacting her" and remembering everything that went on between you both.

[Seenowayout]

GEMS!  Thrilled to see you again.  I hope you're well.  Update me if you have time.  Thought of you and all your help the other day too!

Thank you too clvrnn!

Yes, I offer the story up as a cautionary tale and a simple story of hope for others who are in the sad shoes I wore two years ago --

1)  Sad feelings will come and sad feelings go.  It's normal to be blue. Nostalgia, longing, regret might feel crushing in the moment, but it passes.  Try to ride it.

2)  I'm most vulnerable when I'm tired.  I decided to look at those pictures at the end of a long work day, when my cerebral cortex wasn't fully firing to defend me from my reptile brain.  Need to be more cautious when I'm tired.  Get plenty of rest.

3)  I love myself.  Others love me too.  I'm lovable.  And I'm loving.   I didn't deserve that craziness.  I can still have love and pity and regret and fond memories of her and for her.  But I'm not the one who disappeared,  who scolded, who blamed, who painted me black -- in between all her loving moments.  It simply obviously wasn't meant to be.   

C'est la vie.