Am I being unfair/unreasonable?

[Ozzie101]

I seem to have stepped in it again.

My family's always been a big trigger for H. One of the biggest involves my sisters' kids and my SS8. I've always been close to my nieces and nephew. My sisters are not close to SS8. They barely know him at all. (Partly because they haven't been around him much and partly because, frankly, SS8 isn't an easy kid to get to know. Also, he's the only boy in his age range since my nephew is much older, so he just doesn't have the bond with the other kids.) H sees that as unfair to SS8, that I support or do things with my nieces and nephews while my sisters don't reciprocate. Bare in mind, SS8 has plenty of family on his dad's and mother's sides to support him and do things with/for him.

I don't entirely disagree with him. But I do think the situations are different -- I'm going to have a different relationship with the kids I've known since birth than my sisters will have with a boy they met at age 5, who they see once or twice a year (and who doesn't utter a word to them when they do). But I see the inequity.

Anyway, my oldest niece, almost 12, is getting into musical theater – a passion of mine. I'm excited about this. I've missed a couple of her productions due to timing, but she has one coming up where she's going to be the lead (this is a local, semi-pro theater). H and I went to one last month where she was in the chorus -- it was at a professional theater and we found out about it months ago. This one is more last-minute.

I texted him that I'd been thinking about it and really wanted to go. The fact that she has a lead role really excites me and I want to see her do it. I said if he wants to go with me, great. If not, there's a matinee during a time when H has to take SS8 to a baseball practice. I could go by myself then and not interfere with our family time or plans.

I guess I should have known better than to send the text but things have been so much better lately and our communication has improved so I thought it was better to be open and honest.

Now he's angry with me. My wanting to see N11 in a show just proves that I don't give a damn about SS8 or H. That my family has been awful to SS8 and I don't care.

He's keeping score and admits it. Also, he says we just went to one of hers. That's true. Maybe it's better to pass on this one and instead go to one that should be coming up in October.

I do see where he's coming from. It's not fair if we do stuff to support my sisters' kids and there's no reciprocation. But I can't force my sisters to do anything. And I don't want to punish N11 (or myself) for what her mother does or doesn't choose to do.

Is there something I'm not seeing? Someplace I'm being invalidating/insensitive?

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[MidLifCrysis1]

Hey Oz.

Without going into too much, I can say that I can understand the concerns with all the angles - but I think you might be overthinking things a little too much. Of course, I get that it is hard not to overthink things in our positions, but here's how I see it:

Your niece has an exciting opportunity to do something new and special - in an area that you have an affiliation for - she will value you being there and you will value being there. If you don't go, there probably won't be any catastrophe, but there will be a fairly significant loss on both your parts.

She's 12. It's her first lead role, right? That won't happen again.

But I TOTALLY GET IT, as I am currently grappling with probable separation coming up over absurd non-things that keep happening. So do as your gut tells you.

Maybe figure out a thing to do for/with the SS8 to show that you aren't playing favorites or something. Make a point of giving time to the SS8, if that's a sore point.

But it is not your N12's fault that you're in this predicament. She should not miss out on having you at her performance - and neither should you, really.

Just my two cents. Hope it helps some.

MLC

[Ozzie101]

Thanks. That's how I see it. And, yes, probably over-thinking. But I tend to do that. Especially when I can tell H is upset about something and I'm afraid to do the "wrong" thing.

My spending time with SS8 isn't an issue. He's with us 50/50 and I show up for all games, most practices, etc. If that were a problem, it would be easy to fix. I'd just start getting more involved. The issue is my family not showing up for his stuff. And that's something I have very little control over.

He doesn't have many activities. Baseball's the main one. I didn't send the schedule to my sisters because when it came out, they were still in the "We don't want to be around H" phase -- may still be there, actually. We haven't talked about it lately. Leaving it alone at the advice of our therapists to give them time to cool off and the turmoil to settle down.

But this keeps being an issue. And it will keep being an issue until/unless I can find some way to handle it on my end or reach some kind of understanding with H. But it's like we speak different languages.

[MidLifCrysis1]

Yeah, I get it. That whole "And it will keep being an issue until/unless I can find some way to handle it on my end or reach some kind of understanding with H. But it's like we speak different languages." bit sure makes life harder than it seems to need to be.

But the part that seems to be the most relevant is

My spending time with SS8 isn't an issue. ... The issue is my family not showing up for his stuff. And that's something I have very little control over.

I would say that you have your answer. You just need to implement it as delicately as possible.
Of course, you can not control what other people in your family do - but, of course, that's a rational statement, so that might not really help. :-(

Good luck. But, for the record, I still vote that you go to the show in whatever way causes you the least trouble.

[ChTown]

OZ,
I hope you go to the show. As a theatre person myself (as are my kids), I know how important it is to have that person in the audience that 'gets' it.  

As far as SS8, etc... I have dealt with that very same thing for all my years of marriage to my BPh. My dad, for instance, has seen my SSs perhaps 8 times in our 15 years of being together (maybe not even that often). But by BPh was irate that they do not have Christmas stockings at my dad's house. It's a losing battle. LOSING.

[GaGrl]

Some families readily embrace step-children, some do not. There are many factors involved in whether a family homes with a step-child.

It is what it is with your family and your drop-down -- you can't control their emotional life.

This may be one of those radical acceptance topics with your husband.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, it really is. Sometimes, he gets that. Sometimes, when he's feeling more emotional, he doesn't. A lot of it is, I believe, projection and transference. SS hasn't given any sign he notices or feels slighted at all. It's more about H's feelings.

He grew up feeling like he didn't fit in with his family (adopted as an infant) and I think he projects those feelings of abandonment and being "different" onto his son.

He's met his biological family now and was building a relationship with them but, still, he's kind of "different" because he didn't grow up in the family.

Now, his bio family has reduced their contact with him -- or he says he feels like they have, though he's not sure why or what could have happened. Regardless, he's feeling abandoned again. Knowing that, now (he told me last night) I think that's part of why he reacted so strongly to my niece's play.

It breaks my heart for him because I wish he could have what he craves -- a family where he feels valued and a real part of things -- but he keeps missing it either through his own behavior or things outside his control. It also scares me because I know this could trigger more rough times for us.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Helloe Ozzie, although I can't speak to the step child dynamic that is at play, I can certainly empathize with the "stepped in it again feeling."

For a long time I tried to play the 'keeping score' game with my uBPDw...I would often get close enough to think I could voice an opinion of something that was important to me but without fail, I would "step in it again." I could never keep it "even enough" to avoid her becoming upset. Somehow, me having (and voicing) needs that were not met by her, somehow meant I didn't care enough about her. I have come to realize that for my situation, I have to remember the only way i can "win" is by not getting drawn in to the dynamic.

Also, he says we just went to one of hers. That's true. Maybe it's better to pass on this one and instead go to one that should be coming up in October.

I do see where he's coming from. It's not fair if we do stuff to support my sisters' kids and there's no reciprocation. But I can't force my sisters to do anything. And I don't want to punish N11 (or myself) for what her mother does or doesn't choose to do.

What you expressed here is very kind, rational and understanding; something that nonPD people appreciate and value. I often find myself twisting in to a pretzel to find a way to keep my wife "happy" but all I end up doing is sacrificing for the mirage that I never reach and ending up miserable anyway!

I think the most important question, something MLC touched on is, how do you respect your own boundaries in this situation? You cannot control him, your sister, your mother or any of the kids. You can only decide how you will behave and what you will participate in. It sounds like you participate w/both SS & N. This isn't about playing favorites or saying something about their value.

Is this a situation where, you can draw a line and simply say, "I am going to my niece's production"?

Instead of framing it in, "How do I keep him happy?" can you flip it on its head and ask, "How can I respect myself and what I need?"

Complete disclosure: I AM TERRIBLE AT THIS! In my last T session, I brought up a question about an upcoming event my uBPDw wants to attend. When my T asked, "What do YOU WANT to do?" I said, "Not go, but then I have to explain why." My T said, "No, just leave it at you don't want to to, do not get drawn into a discussion." MIND BLOWN and of course, easier said than done!

[Ozzie101]

The show is sold-out at this point, so my going is kind of a moot point. But, I know it will come up again, so all your support and advice will be helpful.

Setting boundaries is something I struggle with, big-time. Like so many here, I'm a natural people-pleaser. I genuinely like to make others happy and I'm fine ignoring what I want if it means someone else gets what they want. With H, add on a layer of fear (fear of triggering a rage episode) and it's even worse.

With help from my therapist and from all of you here, though, I'm working towards becoming stronger and learning to take care of myself and my values.

[once removed]

I do see where he's coming from. It's not fair if we do stuff to support my sisters' kids and there's no reciprocation. But I can't force my sisters to do anything. And I don't want to punish N11 (or myself) for what her mother does or doesn't choose to do.

did you make this case to your husband?

is there something coming up involving SS8 that you can invite your sisters to attend?

[Ozzie101]

I have, yes. When he's in a calm mood he agrees. But when he's not, he doesn't -- and will rant on things he agreed with before.

Baseball will start before too long. I plan to send the schedule. Problem is, my sisters likely won't come. One has four kids, all in various activities, and stays busy. The other is similar. Main reason, though? They don't want to see or be around H. And that's my fault for, in a low, weak time, telling them about his verbal abuse.

[once removed]

The other is similar. Main reason, though? They don't want to see or be around H. And that's my fault for, in a low, weak time, telling them about his verbal abuse.

they wont come if you just send the schedule.

why not pick one of the dates (or a couple, let them choose), let them know how important is to you and SS8 for them to be there, and that you hope they can make it?

[Ozzie101]

True. I just need to be careful how I word it. One sister, when I talked to her about the situation, accused me of "pushing" SS on them. I really didn't think I was doing that. I thought I was just trying to bring some things to light and get him included more. But, as usual, it probably didn't come across in the way I'd intended.

The play is a non-issue now. It sold-out before I could even decide to buy a ticket. She has another one in October and H knows I plan to go and sounded just fine with it.

But a new issue came up: Family dinner next weekend. The first since everything really hit the fan in February. It's at my parents' house. I responded and asked my mother if the invitation was for all three of us. She responded with "Of course it is! We want you all to come!" H has been very stressed since I told him and I can understand why. This is the first time he would be around some of them since everything happened.

We haven't really talked about it yet. He's been in a funk over a number of things and I want to pick my time wisely. I understand this is likely to ratchet up his anxiety. I plan to talk to family members to make sure everything's OK. I don't want him to walk into something where he's not welcome -- or only grudgingly. That would be awful and I would never do that to him or anyone.

But I think both of us are in anxiety mode over it. I knew something like this would come up. I just start feeling helpless and hopeless. My family has been an issue since we got married. And despite his claims a few months ago that he wanted to be more open and accepting and make more of an effort with them, deep down, I don't really think it will happen. This will continue to be an issue. I can only do so much. But I can't force him to interact and not sit and glare at everyone. I can't force them to be more patient or more friendly. I can only go so far and then it's in their hands. Yet, I feel like, ultimately, I'm the one who suffers most: forced to constantly choose between the family I love and the husband I love.

Sorry for the rant. It's been a rough week.

[MidLifCrysis1]

Oz...do not apologize.

Supporting each other is why we're here, remember?

I literally just effortlessly wrote in a group text to my friends that I am trying to visit on Saturday a line that I've never honestly uttered or felt before: "sometimes I wish I never had a family"

I kind of horrified myself. I know it is because the insanity and relentless onslaught of my BPD wife has me completely worn-out and threadbare. But that doesn't change the fact that I do not want to wish I never had a family.

It's so tiring when the person you are supposed to share life with and share strength with is a psycho-emotional vampire.

I have personally lost/given up SO much for my wife that, at this point, I am wondering what the H3ll is wrong with me. There's a fine line between compromise and inappropriate self-sacrifice. It certainly isn't an easy distinction for me to make.

Good luck navigating the shifting terrain of such situations, but try to remember to step back and do a self-care sanity check from time to time...and don't hesitate to ask folks on here for an assist.

MLC

PS: Sorry if I sound SO dark everybody...not to make Oz's thread about me, just saying by way of explanation that I'm doing really poorly for a while now...

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, MLC. It helps to hear that because, actually, I've had the same thought. I adore my family. I love being around them. But I actually feel my anxiety shoot through the roof any time I get an email or text about an activity. I've had that thought "I just wish I had no family" or "I wish I had no husband."

A part of me just wants to pack a bag, get in my car and just vanish. Not a rational, reasonable or mature approach, but there it is.

I, too, struggle with seeing the lines: what's appropriate? What's my giving up too much? What's reasonable? What's not? When the main voice in my ear is a person who might have BPD, holding onto my own beliefs isn't always easy.

And no need to apologize. At all.