Is he better for her?

[Carguy]

So my ex BPD of three and a half years ended it completely with me to see another guy. We have had our struggles the last 2 years and it wasn't until the last couple of months that I found out through my counselor that she is BPD. Since then I've done a lot of reading and became a lot more understanding once I knew what was going on. It's still failed.

 I found this new guy is a wellness coach at and alternative and Holistic Health Service. She was getting into that a lot as well when we were together. My understanding is they help people that are struggling with depression  and other mental situations . Is this guy better for her and will he be able to help her mentally or is it just a Band-Aid?

Also she has left things at my house and asked me to keep some kittens out of litter I have for her and her kids. She said she would take care of these things and I have not heard anything about it since(3 weeks no contact). I have decided to not say anything to her about it because it is her stuff and I have already talked to her about it before. To me it feels like she has left all of that in place so she can get in contact with me again down the road for a recycle if things don't work out for her.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again Carguy, I don't know if this guy is better for her. He may or may not be better equipped to deal with the ups and downs in the relationship, he may or may not have a good handle on validation, boundaries, avoiding invalidation and JADEing and all the things we talk about here. I understand why you ask yourself the question. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I support your decision to not get in contact with her about the kittens and her things. She knows.  Nothing good will come from contacting her about this again. I know it can be hard not to reach out. 

[Carguy]

Thank you Scarlet.

It really is hard to not contact her. Part of me is scared to because it would just make matters worse or I'll get hurt again or bull and part of me wants to to make sure she's doing okay.

I haven't looked at her Facebook profile for a while but yesterday my friend said that she still had just a picture of her and not one of her together with him. I was surprised and looked because the guy she dated before me for only a month she had a picture of them together and the minute she started dating me she put a picture of us together on there. When I looked I noticed that in her face she had gained some more weight. Before we split up she had said a few times. She didn't like the way her body looked because she had gained weight and this was the heaviest she had ever been. She has always been a small, slender person so it really bothered her. It kind of worried me because from what I have read people can do that when they are dealing with depression which I think is very possible with her. I guess it's the part of me that wants to rescue her but then I start to question my no contact.

The last time I talked to her she said we could not be friends because it brought up feelings in her that she felt she shouldn't have for me because she's starting a new relationship with this other guy. She said it was wrong. I have stayed out of contact with her since then but today I guess I'm just worried about her. A part of me wants to text her and just say that I hope you're doing okay and I care about you or something. But then I don't know if breaking no contact would be a good idea.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yeah, this is hard stuff. I know the feeling. You want to make sure she's okay, you care about her, you don't want her to feel lonely or depressed. It speaks to your good qualities that you want to reach out. At the same time you know it won't lead anywhere good.

Theory is one thing, though. The head and the heart aren't really connected when we struggle with this. It was an old member who used to say "Nothing good will come of this" when discussing what to do / not to do. I've kept that with me since.

Another thing that helps me from 'overstepping' is something I read in one of our articles here (I think one about the Karpman Drama Triangle) that letting our exes sort out their own lives and feelings are respecting them and their capacities. Trusting that they can handle it, and letting them grow on their own.

I don't know if any of this is helping. Maybe you don't want advice, but rather to just be heard and say how you feel. If that's the case, I get that.

[Carguy]

I actually was looking for advice so I really do appreciate that. Maybe it's best that this time I follow my head and remain no contact. Like I said, she has left things here and I believe they are so she'll still have a tie to me so I'm sure I'll eventually hear from her.

Interestingly, when I last talked to her and she said we couldn't be friends I asked her if I should just give her kittens away with the rest then since they would not be coming down to see them. She started crying and said that it made sense. I asked her if she wanted me to still keep them and then she told me she was going to move to the city this guy lives in and buy a house. I told her I would keep them then. It was pointed out to me that she had only played with the kitten's a few times and the reason she was crying was not the bond to the kittens but the link to me and possibly losing it. My therapist told me that it is a safe link to me without the risk of being rejected.